Hello StayLDS Forum!

[Anonymous]

Well, I want to give the forum a quick intro to me without getting too bogged down in the boring stuff. I’m an early 30’s male born in Utah to two fairly active Mormon parents. I never enjoyed church as a child, and my parents weren’t too forceful about attendance. My dad drifted away. My mom was always active but never overbearing. When I was about 14, my two older siblings started getting in lots of trouble. Addiction to drugs and alcohol led to them dropping out of high school. Calls from the police, and theft from our home became commonplace as their addictions became more severe. Of course, my parents were crushed, and their marriage severely strained. During this time my dad got back into church and really wanted me to step up my activity as well. With all the disappointment created by my siblings’ trouble, I wanted to please my parents.

(This is all ready getting too long, so I’ll try to speed this up)

I went on a mission, and hated the first few months because I didn’t believe. I finally put my doubts aside, got way into the mission, and loved most of the rest of it. I suppose I had a few spiritual experiences; mostly just feelings of peace and satisfaction that what I was doing was true. It just started to feel good, and right.

I got home, started dating a friend from high school, and married her just a few months later. When we were dating, we really connected through church. We prayed together, read scriptures, went to firesides, and did baptisms at the temple. I fully intended to be her good Mormon husband forever and ever. I feel like she married me with the promise that I was going to stay “true to the faith”.

Well, within a year or two the religious fervor was beginning to grow a bit colder. I still believed, but my old doubts were surfacing again. Nothing momentous happened. Time passed and I felt myself less and less interested in the church. After a while, I started to really dread church meetings, because they were just so boring. Little by little I accepted that I was not a believer. (There were lots of little experiences: blacks/priesthood, science, polygamy, church membership to world population ratio, etc, etc. ) I told my bishop that I was losing interest. He listened and was kind.

Then about two years ago, I got a call from the stake clerk. The Stake Presidency wanted to meet with my wife and me. We were due for a new bishopric, so I kind of knew what it was about. For the couple of days before that appointment, I thought about what I would do. I finally decided this would be my opportunity to vanquish my doubts, rekindle my passion, and “lose myself in the work”. I was called as the second counselor. My family was proud. My wife was overjoyed that my gradual disaffection was now behind me.

Being in the bishopric was miserable. I thought the three hour block was boring? One day sitting through an endless ward counsel I had a vision of sorts. I saw the church as this great sailing vessel in the port. It had all the appearance of something designed to really tame the sea. But then I was called to help sail the boat. And I realized that this boat had actually been built with thousands of holes in the hull. Our job was to bail water all day every day. In fact there were so many holes, that we couldn’t ever go sailing. We were stuck in the port week after week just trying to keep the whole thing from sinking.

At the start of the third month of our tenure, it was my turn to conduct fast and testimony meeting. It was my turn to bear my testimony. You should have heard me mince words. It was embarrassing. I asked to be released about a year and a half ago. I didn’t renew my recommend. I go to sacrament with my wife and kids, but that’s about it. I love going home while my kids are in primary and enjoying some quiet time. I’m not a believer.

Thanks for enduring that story. I hope it was more fun than an hour in High Priests. Here’s where I need the forum’s help. Should I stay at all? My wife already has promised she’s not leaving me over this. My parents would be disappointed but I know they won’t disown me. My in-laws already know my feelings, and are still welcoming. I’m naturally not really a people person, so I don’t feel the need for the social connection. My friends (all Mormons) are pretty understanding people. I have no doubt that my wife is going to keep taking the kids to church. What’s my motivation to stay? I could get my name removed which would finally give me the impetus to go buy some new underwear. The church wouldn’t take my tithing anymore which would save me a bunch of money. And I would have three quiet hours on Sunday instead of just two.

I eagerly anticipate your counsel. I hope that I can use this forum to support others in their journey as well.

[Anonymous]

Welcome!

If not believing doesn’t bother you, and if church itself doesn’t bother you in your current situation, and if you like the people, and if they like you and accept you – stay because it’s not going to get any better anywhere else for you. Seriously, attending with your family in a place where you’re accepted for who you are? Some people here would swap places with you in a heartbeat and dance naked in the street with joy.

(Sorry, when I think of certain avatars, that’s not an image I want to have. )

Oh, and you said:

Quote:

The church wouldn’t take my tithing anymore which would save me a bunch of money.

Are you kidding me? Sure it will. It would be STUPID not to take it!

[Anonymous]

There are many meanings and levels of staying. Choose any of the following:

[Anonymous]

Hello MtnMan!

The only thing that comes to mind is I feel better when I’m thoughtful of other people’s wants and needs. You do need to take care of yourself, that is a given and I want to lay that down first. If you think you can handle doing some things that your family will really appreciate, I think they deserve some consideration.

Welcome to the forum!

[Anonymous]

Welcome.

Thanks for taking time to tell us your story. It’s great for people to hear how others go through all this stuff, and see what works and what doesn’t work for others.

Why stay? I don’t know. Do it because you want to, or don’t stay because that’s better for you. It’s your decision of course. What most of us find though when faced with this decision is it isn’t so easy or obvious. It ends up really being a range of smaller choices and changes with a spectrum of costs and benefits.

Instead of only focusing on name removal or full participation, perhaps dissect it into small decisions. It really does sound like you are in a situation with family and friends who love you for you. That helps a LOT! (and really should be more the norm, but that’s another discussion).

Want to not attend, but sometimes still support your wife and children in their desire to attend? Then modify your attendance. Maybe skip some Sundays, or only attend certain meetings together.

Want to wear different underwear? Then do it. Will this upset your wife or other family members? That’s a cost / benefit decision to make.

Don’t believe in paying tithing? Well … I would still recommend following some principle of charitable giving. It really is good for our souls. Perhaps give to the Church what you think they are worth to you and your family in your life. Then start giving also to other worthwhile charities in your community.

I guess what I am ultimately getting at is this: ALWAYS TRADE UP!

Let stuff go that bothers you. But keep in mind to trade for something better. Don’t go to church? Make sure you do something else, even if it is going for a walk in the mountains or meditating. Find what works and trade up.

Glad to have you here with us to kick around ideas.

[Anonymous]

I think Brian’s “trade up” advice is right on the money. I often fantasize about “shaking the dust of this crummy ward off my feet”, but as yet I have no better alternatives — not that I won’t in the future, but for now, here I am. And it’s hard to gauge how important my attendance is to my loved ones. Probably more than they let on. So I take one for the team (not my only motivation, but certainly an important one) and keep going, but in the knowledge that it’s 100% my choice.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

MtnMan wrote…

(There were lots of little experiences: blacks/priesthood, science, polygamy, church membership to world population ratio, etc, etc. )

Ya, these and other issues just wouldn’t go away for me either.

Quote:

Being in the bishopric was miserable. I thought the three hour block was boring?

I didn’t like the bishopric experience very well either.

MtnMan I say do what’s best for you! I often send text messages throughout SM, skip SS and head to Starbucks, and return to help plan scouting activities with the Deacons. Works for me! And as far as tithing, I pay my share of the upkeep, nothing close to 10% of my income. I also look for the “One” who is suffering in silence like I did for years thinking that I was alone.

f4h1

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your posts. After I made my original post, I started to get abdominal pain. It got so bad I finally went to the ER yesterday morning. I had appendicitis and just had my appendix removed last night. Was it just coincidence, or was it a sign? I think it must be a sign, but now the difficult part is to know what it means. It could be a sign to stay or maybe a sign that I should go. Or maybe it’s a sign that my appendix was inflamed :thumbup: .

Anyways, the reason I tell you that is, I really wanted to respond to some of your posts but I’m in a bit of a post-op haze, so that will have to wait. But, do know that I’ve read them and have been thinking seriously about what you have said. Your concern for a faceless stranger on the internet is greatly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Wow, MtnMan! You’ve had an eventful week! I hope you are recovering well and speedily.

[Anonymous]

Fatherof4husbandof1 wrote:

I often send text messages throughout SM, skip SS and head to Starbucks, and return to help plan scouting activities with the Deacons. Works for me! And as far as tithing, I pay my share of the upkeep, nothing close to 10% of my income. I also look for the “One” who is suffering in silence like I did for years thinking that I was alone.

The Church truly needs a dozen or more people like this in every ward — down to earth people who contribute, are happy enough about it, and can help others when it’s time to pass through a crisis of faith (for those of us destined to do so). And working with the youth? I think it’s fantastic to have a variety of adult mentors in their circle of leaders: highly faithful to more nuanced and comfortable with doubts and questions.

If there were more of these types around, I think my teenage kids would have stayed engaged in the youth programs.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Or maybe it’s a sign that my appendix was inflamed

Yep, definitely a sign.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

If not believing doesn’t bother you, and if church itself doesn’t bother you in your current situation, and if you like the people, and if they like you and accept you – stay because it’s not going to get any better anywhere else for you

In genreral most of these things don’t bother me. There are things about the church that bother me. I’m not too thrilled about teaching people that mormonism is the only true church. I’m not too thrilled about all the politically conservative rhetoric that I have to endure most fast and testimony meetings. That stuff seems to creep up in SS a lot as a well. Most sundays can’t go by without someone bemoaning the impending doom of homosexuality. There’s other stuff as well, but what I”m trying to say is that me not believing makes it hard to stomach a lot of this stuff.

I like the people, but don’t really connect with any of them. I don’t have any close friends through church, especially now that I have distanced myself a bit. My wife can’t relate because she loves and is loved by nearly every member of our ward.

People are nice to me. I feel accepted, but I really don’t thrive on acceptance. It’s just not that important to me.

I’m not sure there isn’t something better. Maybe there’s an organization that spends more time serving and less time just talking about. I kind of feel like I won’t find this in any church.

Ray, Thanks for your reply. I do agree that I have it pretty good, and that I should see the bright side to my situation. I promise not to run through the streets naked.

[Anonymous]

Tom Haws wrote:

There are many meanings and levels of staying. Choose any of the following:

Keep calling yourself LDS

Keep your membership

Keep showing up every few weeks

Keep home teaching and serving in a calling

Keep attending for 3 hours every week

Keep a temple recommend

And I have touched only on activity, not at all on orthopraxy.

It’s your choice. It’s not a binary question with faithful bishopric service on one hand and atheistic rabid anti-mormonism on the other.

Tom, thank you for the insight. I do need to remind myself that this isn’t an “all-or-nothing” kind of situation. This is a hard mind-set to get away from though, because I’ve been hearing it most my life in church. Someone asked me recently if I was LDS. The answer wasn’t just a reflex. I thought a brief moment, and said yes. I didn’t say it because I still hold membership, but because being a mormon is a part of who I am, and always will be whether I’m a member on the books or not. I’m not embarrassed by being a mormon. I just not enamored with it either.

[Anonymous]

Orson wrote:

Hello MtnMan!

The only thing that comes to mind is I feel better when I’m thoughtful of other people’s wants and needs. You do need to take care of yourself, that is a given and I want to lay that down first. If you think you can handle doing some things that your family will really appreciate, I think they deserve some consideration.

Welcome to the forum!

Very true about my family’s needs. For a year or two I kept the whole doubt thing under wraps and maintained full membership just because I knew that my wife would be too upset. Finally one evening we sat on the couch and I told her what I’ve been keeping bottled up. She was crying and told me that she was scared. I felt awful, but I knew I couldn’t hide my feelings without feeling dishonest. I need to find a new balance point where my both my family’s and my needs are met. I think I’ve been too concerned about myself lately. Thank you for the advice Orson.

[Anonymous]

Brian Johnston wrote:

ALWAYS TRADE UP!

I like it. Unfortunately sometimes trading up means just doing something I like. For example, I would rather go skiing than go to church. That’s a trade up for me, but my wife just sees this as more “selfish time” (She’s probably right, because I already ski quite a bit).

Thanks for your comments Brian, and thanks for helping to administer this forum. If often feels like there isn’t a lot of people for an unorthodox mormon to talk. I’m very glad I found this site.

[Author]

Posts