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I am 16 and my name is Scott I have been born and raised in the church. Recently I have been trying to find a way to tell someone or my parents/siblings about a problem of mine. I’ve been trying to keep a good testimony and a ctr but things haven’t been the best at the moment. When I was about eight or nine I found out that I am gay. I’ve done my best to keep clean thoughts and a good mind but I can’t block this thing out of me. Its not like a obsession or stage, its like a mental illness and I need help. I’ve tried everything to stop this from growing in me but I can’t find a way out. Its been getting to a point where I don’t feel worthy to bless the sacrament or keep up my abilities in the church. My parents have always taught me to tell them or the bishop if I ever have a problem but I’m afraid that if I tell them I’m gay, they might treat me like an outcast and never let me out of their sight…I believe in keeping clean morals and keeping the commandments but I’m stuck and I’m confused about myself and my testimony. What do people do in our church if they have this problem? I feel like the only guy out there who is like this…I read once about lds social services but I don’t think this is something they could help. How do I stay active and have this? Right now its getting hard because my leaders and few friends are pressuring me to get ready for a mission in two years…Does going to a therapist do anything or do they just solve the depression? First and foremost, this doesn’t make you bad or evil or anything else. It is simply a part of life for you. Yes you are right, often telling leader/parents or others might cause problems if they aren’t very tolerant. However, they can also be a great support. Unfortunately, you will have to judge for yourself how you think they might react. I wouldn’t rush into telling anyone until you have their trust. I have dealt with this in my life. I have had some wonderful bishops in college that were great. They did not judge, they did not rush me off to counselling or anything like that. They just listened and recognized my desire to do what’s right. It was great to tell them because I wasn’t shouldering the burden alone. I have also had bishops that I would never tell. So it can be a tough decision. I completely understand the position you find yourself in. You are taught that to be happy you must have a wife and family and kids, be married in the temple. Yet you can’t see yourself doing that because of the way you feel. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have a mental illness or anything like that. It really doesn’t matter how this came to be. Many in the church will try to tell you that you can be “fixed” because you couldn’t possibly have been born that way. The fact is, we don’t know what “causes” it, and it really doesn’t matter. The fact is that you have those feelings and desires, and they don’t make you a bad person. You cannot help the way you feel.
Yes, going to a therapist can help a great deal with the depression. You do not have to tell them everything. They can help you learn to view things in a new light. Many of the therapists at LDS social services are great. I and my wife have dealt with several. They can help you view things in a new way. You don’t necessarily need to go see them just about being gay. I would go just to help put life in perspective. Being a teenager is hard enough without everything else.
And for the bright spot of hope. Yes, I did say my wife above. I have been happily married for several years now. It wasn’t one of those get married to proove to myself that I wasn’t gay. It was a long road of self discovery and growing. If you have faith in God, he will lead you and guide you. I always keep in mind two scriptures, Eather 12:27-God gave us weakness so he could make us strong (yes I know I paraphrased) and the one in Nephi that says that God will give no commandment unless he prepares a way for you to accomplish it. If you want to serve God and stay faithful, he will show you the way. It will require growth and learning and most of all a change in your point of view. But it is very possible to remain faithful and have all of the blessings that God has promised. You are welcome to PM me if you have any questions.
You are not alone. I am currently a student at BYU and there are students currently here who identify as either gay or lesbian. (I would imagine that there are also individuals who identify as bi, perhaps as transgendered, but I have not personally met these individuals.) Partly due to the influence of these men and women, the BYU Honor Code was recently altered so that the language would be more inclusive for gay students. Also, an art piece an art piece was recently shown at BYU that focused on the LGBT community here. (The post is titled “Censorship Sucks.” The piece was quickly returned back to the art show where it was being shown, citing “miscommunications” for why it was originally pulled.) You can see that piece on the artists’ blog: http://areyou1too.blogspot.com/2008/12/censorship-sucks.html ” class=”bbcode_url”> http://areyou1too.blogspot.com/2008/12/censorship-sucks.html There are resources for gay LDS, including blogs, books and therapy. However, I will defer to others who have a more intimate knowledge of these resources and their strengths and weaknesses, rather than recommend them myself. If nobody speaks up, however, then I will go ahead and share those with you.
quick replies. thx. interesting website bty. I want to stay in the church and be active I just don’t want to keep these actions creeping in. I’m feeling pressured at the moment, not only because of future things like my mission and ect, but because I’m graduating from highschool a year early and I’m going to be on my own soon. Could I go on a mission or attend byu if I told someone before I turned 18? thats why I think that it would not be the right choice to tell people now because it would prevent me from later opportunities… At this point, the only thing that would seriously effect you going on a mission is if you had committed some serious moral transgressions as a result of your feelings, and sometimes even that won’t put a stop to a mission if you have repented. They would just want to know it wasn’t a problem anymore before approving your request and issuing a calling. The only thing that would affect the BYU thing, is if you couldn’t agree to or broke the honor code. You can be an openly gay student at BYU. They don’t want you to be “loud and proud” about it or act on it while you’re there, but you won’t get kicked out for admitting you have these feelings. So your decision about telling someone should be based on whether you want to overcome the challenges My question is, what is your eventual goal? I know you want to go on a mission and stay active in the church, but did you want to have a family someday and overcome these challenges? Do you want to eventually be free of those feelings, or are you okay with them? That makes a difference. There are some out there that feel that they can remain gay and still live the gospel. They hope that the church will someday come around. What you want out of life after your mission will greatly effect how you handle this now.
That would be a tough challenge — being gay and struggling to stay in the Church. I really wish it wasn’t such a problem. It shouldn’t be. Sounds like some good advice so far. I recommend really thinking things through carefully before you tell people. It’s impossible to take it back. On the other hand, don’t let things stay bottle up inside if they tear you apart. The most important thing is to be happy and find joy. From a spiritual and religious standpoint, don’t feel like you are not a good person or that you are defective. You will have to decide how you want to approach your feelings, but there is still time. Life in the teens is tough enough without the added pressure of your situation (and society’s general reaction to it).
If you really want to go on a mission and attend BYU, I don’t see your feelings alone stopping you. Like others said, it is the actions. That would be true regardless of your orientation. I think the Church might be catching on to that important nuance. I hope so.
It really wouldn’t be a bad idea to wait until after those life experiences anyway to settle down into serious realtionships and sort everything out. You know what I mean? I’d give that same advice to anyone.
mazer16, the important thing to me is to realize that the foundational teachings of the Church on sexuality at your ageare exactly the same at the most basic level – that sexual activity outside of marriage is what is forbidden. Sexual orientation is not considered a sin anymore – a HUGE step forward. That standard still limits gay members more than straight members, since the vast majority of members still see some things as being ok for heterosexual members but not gay members – particularly kissing and obvious signs of affection. I hope that changes in the future, so there isn’t a double standard in that regard, but if you are ok with that . . .
mr_musician and valoel have given some great advice. Let me add one more thing:
Find a local adult, preferably in a leadership position, who will support you without telling you that you are a sinner for your inclinations / orientation. I don’t believe in lying about this AT ALL, but I also believe at this age there is no need to loudly proclaim your orientation – if you are willing to accept the slight double standard I mentioned above. However, I do believe you will need to “come out” at least privately to your bishop and stake president prior to going on a mission (and bishop, if you plan on attending BYU), and it will be MUCH easier if you have the support of a visible priesthood leader in your area to vouch for you at that time.
Old-Timer wrote:Find a local adult, preferably in a leadership position, who will support you without telling you that you are a sinner for your inclinations / orientation. I don’t believe in lying about this AT ALL, but I also believe at this age there is no need to loudly proclaim your orientation – if you are willing to accept the slight double standard I mentioned above. However, I do believe you will need to “come out” at least privately to your bishop and stake president prior to going on a mission (and bishop, if you plan on attending BYU), and it will be MUCH easier if you have the support of a visible priesthood leader in your area to vouch for you at that time.
This is great advice. You will feel much better letting someone know. It really releases the burden that you carry by hiding it. It doesn’t fix it, but it does help with the stress. It is really scary to tell someone, but find an adult friend that has shown they are trustworthy and accepting. They should also be someone that you know can keep a confidence at all costs. You might be surprised, often a good friend like that may have already figured it out. They just respect you enough to let you tell them when you’re ready.
Not that you asked for it, but if you’re interested in a non-LDS point of view, I think musicman sums it up very well here: mr_musicman wrote:My question is, what is your eventual goal? I know you want to go on a mission and stay active in the church, but did you want to have a family someday and overcome these challenges? Do you want to eventually be free of those feelings, or are you okay with them? That makes a difference. There are some out there that feel that they can remain gay and still live the gospel. They hope that the church will someday come around. What you want out of life after your mission will greatly effect how you handle this now.
From an evangelical perspective, this statement hits the nail on the head. We are all sinners, and we should all support one another in striving to overcome our weaknesses. If you are coming to your community of support, whoever that may be, and openly saying that this is something I am struggling with and need your help it is completely different than saying this is who I am and the scriptures should bend to me rather than the other way around.
Dear Scott, Thank you sooo much for sharing what you are going through here. My youngest son discovered he had a same sex attraction at 16 and it really devestated him. We found out by accident when he was 17 and learned how hellish of a trial this had been for him. So, please know that my heart goes out to you. Many things have happened since then (my son is 26 now) which have actually become a huge blessing to our whole family and others lives because of our son’s SSA! I want you to know that God loves you very much and will use this to bless so many lives. Ours is a very unusual story that became a book I wrote for family and friends and those with issue. Here is a link to my book:
http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=12053 It tells about me, our son, and our journey. Since writing this book I have changed much of my thinking but the most important thing I learned was that LOVE is the most important thing on this earth. God will use you for his glory and how others treat you and those who have this issue, will show God what is in their hearts. I like how others on this group have responded to you here. God bless you. Bridget
Hi Scott. I wish I had the best advice in the world to give you but unfortunately I don’t really know what to say. There is at least one thing that I can think of right now. Since you have come to this conclusion some time ago, please ( if you are ) do not beat yourself up over this. I believe people are born gay just as I was born liking men ( no different ) and should be able to be married-which does not fit in with the Church teachings – as of now .. Who knows what the future will bring. I wish I had more advice. Be careful on who you come out to as well-there are many out there who can be insensitive. You might be able to bring some issues up maybe in front of certain family members just to test the waters out .. See how they view things .. Just a thought. Anyway .. your story really brakes my heart. You are so brave just to speak it even here. I commend you on your willingness to share. We are not alone in our struggles. I have same sex attraction but am happily married to the man of my dreams with bi-sexual tendencies. These tendencies have been around since before the age of my baptism at 8. I do know that the more I had beaten myself up thinking I was less than worthy, the more the issue became problematic. I dwelled on it more, wanted it more and desperately wanted to have the experience. I couldn’t even look women in the face or let myself have natural relationships with them for fear of them “knowing” I could possibly have an attraction.
When I accepted that this is part of my life and realized that God loved me anyway and I loved myself and forgave myself for believing I was less than worthy because of my feelings, it’s not so much an issue anymore. For me, the more I thought about how taboo it was, the more I was attracted to it.
That’s not to say that this is what’s happening to you, nor will you choose the same path as me or anyone else has, but I will say to accept yourself as you are and if you decide to tell anyone else, prepare yourself for the comments and feelings they may have in regards to what you are telling them. You are challenging their core beliefs and asking them to think differently. In the long run, self-aacceptance is far more important then what anyone else thinks. This may come to you in time with age and different experiences.
Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with you. It can and has been blamed on many things, lack of nurturing of a loving father, a mother that was abusive, being molested as a child, watching two dogs of the same sex trying to have relations (I threw that one in..hehe) etc.
Has this desire gone away? Not completely; I know at anytime, it can creep upon me and weigh heavily upon my mind. I’m not actively engaged in seeking out the experience, but if you ask me if i’m capable of doing so, YOU BET. It is a part of who I am.
I appreciate everyone’s candid openness here. As I have been to places, listened to podcasts, talked openly with friends, I have learned a lot about sexuality. It is certainly not a binary issue, the spectrum of sexuality is very broad. Just know that you are accepted by many for who you are, myself included!
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