Help with a letter to my BP and EQP

[Anonymous]

Hello everybody. I have really benefited reading the thoughts of all of you over the past month or so, especially those new to the site.

I have come to the decision that I need to be released from callings while I figure out how to stay in the church. My thoughts are complex however, and I don’t know whether or not I am coming across clearly. I could really use a few pairs of eyes to read this letter and to help me clarify my ideas.In case you need a little bit of background, you can read my introduction here: http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=4848&p=65939#p65939

Quote:

Dear BP and EQP

I am writing you this email to let you know what is going on with me, and to ask for a very important favor. The two of you have been extremely kind to me. You have shown caring and a willingness to listen and help. Unfortunately, neither of you have the power to relieve the immense pressure I feel from the institutional church (i.e. the teachings and emphasis of the brethren, church policy, and church culture). This pressure has been mounting for over two decades now, and I feel that I can no longer continue to hold callings in the church until I can find some viable solutions to the pressures that are now beginning to rip apart my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

I currently have deep resentment toward the institutional church, a feeling that has been growing for over two years now. I have only recently become aware of the damage done to me that the Church’s teachings, policies, and culture regarding homosexuality over the past 40 years have caused. I’ve taken meekness and a forgiving attitude so far that I haven’t even allowed myself to feel anger about these impositions on my soul. I know that it wasn’t anyone’s intention, but I was taught by the church to hate myself. To believe that I could not be acceptable to God or the church unless and until I could change my sexual orientation. To believe that I am a second-class citizen in the kingdom of God because I am not married, nor do I have children. Yet I am asked to give my all to the church regardless of whether or not I have full citizenship in the kingdom.

I have tried to maintain patience and hope for most of my life that things would somehow get better – that either I would change, or the church would change. It is clear from 15 years of therapy and effort that my sexual orientation is not going to change. It is also clear to me that the church is changing too slowly for my life to be significantly better. I am filled with a deep sadness, knowing and understanding that the church must do all it can to support and protect families, but also knowing that as long as the church is embroiled in conflict over same-sex marriage that it will be very difficult for members as a whole to be kind to gay people. As long as same-sex marriage is held up as a threat to the family gay people will be seen as enemies of the church. I appreciate that a few of the brethren have taught that members of the church should never be unkind to gay people, regardless of a difference in belief; but maintaining kindness and acceptance of gay people while holding up their relationships as a threat to civilization is a subtle and difficult thing to accomplish.

I think that both of you know my attitudes about this problem. I love the church. I know the Scriptures well and I believe very deeply in building Zion. I don’t want or intend to run out and have homosexual relations or relationships. Yet I believe that God has a plan for me, and my homosexual orientation is a part of that plan. I don’t believe that all has been revealed to us regarding the phenomenon of homosexual attraction and its relation to the plan of salvation. Yet the fruits of the apostles suggest that many if not most of them are unable or unwilling to ask God the important questions that will lead to revelation on this matter. If I didn’t care about the church or Zion it would be very simple for me to just walk away and never look back. But I do care, and I think that’s why my heart has been so deeply deeply wounded by all of this.

So what am I going to do about all of this? I want to come to church but I have so much anger and resentment about my church responsibilities because I feel like I’ve been left out to dry. I need to forgive in order to have peace. But I think that as long as I feel like the church is only interested in me for what I can give it, I will continue to feel resentful. I’d like to ask to be relieved of callings and home teaching while I work on this. I’d like to have the freedom to come to sacrament and feel the spirit, to chat with the two of you, to focus on forgiving, and then to go on from there. I don’t want to walk away or have my name removed from the records of the church. I believe that things can and will get better. I believe that I can learn to feel that I have a valuable place in the kingdom. But I have to get past this crushing spiritual emergency or I’m never going to get better. I’d like to sit down with the two of you to discuss a plan.

Thanks for your patience and love.

[Anonymous]

I have thought of you often Turinturambar. You put a “avatar” to a problem I had never thought much of in the church, because I didn’t understand it and didn’t know anyone who struggled with it. I also have a friend with family member who has SSA :wave:

I think your letter is painful to read because I can tell how hurtful the doctrine is and that you have tried to stay. I find it sincere, concise and I imagine that your leaders will be sad to see you go. I would.

Thank you for sharing your story. As things have come up around me in my world, I think of you and others and voice my opinion. I have also heard my husband voice his. I have also seen an entire 180 from members of my family as we discuss these situations in our home and families. It isn’t enough, I understand for you to stay, but thank you.

[Anonymous]

I am an editor by nature, and I wouldn’t change a single word. Perfectly, beautifully written.

[Anonymous]

Hi Turinturambar,

It’s nice to hear from you again. I think this is perfect just as it is. My favorite line is, “But I think that as long as I feel like the church is only interested in me for what I can give it, I will continue to feel resentful.” Yeah, wow, many of us have felt the same way over different issues, but none to the extent that you must have.

I think you should send it exactly the way its written, but don’t let them sit on it too long. It’s not really a favor and it’s not something that you need to ask for… If you don’t want to keep your calling(s), you can just resign from them. I like the approach of asking, because that is courteous. But be ready to follow it up with more direct talk if they don’t grant your request within a couple weeks. The EQP, in particular, I mean, it’s not like anybody has done their HTing in February.

[Anonymous]

Very well written. I am a decent writer myself and I was very impressed.

I am wondering about the plan that you mentioned in closing. Is it a plan for personal progress/forgiveness? Do you have one in mind or are you hoping for the leadership to help you form one.

I personally prefer having personal wishes that can then be respected and honored by others. I would loath to open up my spirituality to leaders for judgement or suggestions. I personally believe that nobody is in a better position to be inspired about your life than you.

P.S. The plan may have been about how to hand off your church responsibilities. If so, then that might be a point that could be clarified.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Dear BP and EQP

I am writing you this email to let you know what is going on with me, and to ask for a very important favor. The two of you have been extremely kind to me. You have shown caring and a willingness to listen and help. Unfortunately, neither of you have the power to relieve the immense pressure I feel from the institutional church (i.e. the teachings and emphasis of the brethren, church policy, and church culture). This pressure has been mounting for over two decades now, and I feel that I can no longer continue to hold callings in the church until I can find some viable solutions to the pressures that are now beginning to rip apart my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

I currently have deep resentment toward the institutional church, a feeling that has been growing for over two years now. I have only recently become aware of the damage done to me that the Church’s teachings, policies, and culture regarding homosexuality over the past 40 years have caused. I’ve taken meekness and a forgiving attitude so far that I haven’t even allowed myself to feel anger about these impositions on my soul. I know that it wasn’t anyone’s intention, but I was taught by the church to hate myself. To believe that I could not be acceptable to God or the church unless and until I could change my sexual orientation. To believe that I am a second-class citizen in the kingdom of God because I am not married, nor do I have children. Yet I am asked to give my all to the church regardless of whether or not I have full citizenship in the kingdom.

I have tried to maintain patience and hope for most of my life that things would somehow get better – that either I would change, or the church would change. It is clear from 15 years of therapy and effort that my sexual orientation is not going to change. It is also clear to me that the church is changing too slowly for my life to be significantly better. I am filled with a deep sadness, knowing and understanding that the church must do all it can to support and protect families, but also knowing that as long as the church is embroiled in conflict over same-sex marriage that it will be very difficult for members as a whole to be kind to gay people. As long as same-sex marriage is held up as a threat to the family gay people will be seen as enemies of the church. I appreciate that a few of the brethren have taught that members of the church should never be unkind to gay people, regardless of a difference in belief; but maintaining kindness and acceptance of gay people while holding up their relationships as a threat to civilization is a subtle and difficult thing to accomplish.

I think that both of you know my attitudes about this problem. I love the church. I know the Scriptures well and I believe very deeply in building Zion. I don’t want or intend to run out and have homosexual relations or relationships. Yet I believe that God has a plan for me, and my homosexual orientation is a part of that plan. I don’t believe that all has been revealed to us regarding the phenomenon of homosexual attraction and its relation to the plan of salvation. Yet the fruits of the apostles suggest that many if not most of them are unable or unwilling to ask God the important questions that will lead to revelation on this matter. If I didn’t care about the church or Zion it would be very simple for me to just walk away and never look back. But I do care, and I think that’s why my heart has been so deeply deeply wounded by all of this.

So what am I going to do about all of this? I want to come to church but I have so much anger and resentment about my church responsibilities because I feel like I’ve been left out to dry. I need to forgive in order to have peace. But I think that as long as I feel like the church is only interested in me for what I can give it, I will continue to feel resentful. I’d like to ask to be relieved of callings and home teaching while I work on this. I’d like to have the freedom to come to sacrament and feel the spirit, to chat with the two of you, to focus on forgiving, and then to go on from there. I don’t want to walk away or have my name removed from the records of the church. I believe that things can and will get better. I believe that I can learn to feel that I have a valuable place in the kingdom. But I have to get past this crushing spiritual emergency or I’m never going to get better. I’d like to sit down with the two of you to discuss a plan.

Thanks for your patience and love.

I put bold highlights on certain parts that caused reactions in me. Not because they aren’t necessarily accurate descriptions, but because they could open the door to defensive statements or platitudes.

For example, the idea the church taught you to hate yourself (in spite of no intention to do so) may well garner defensive reactions. I would be more inclined to say:

“The result of my church experience has been to receive the implicit message over and over again, that I should hate myself”. I would suggest a phraseology that doesn’t imply the church taught this, even unintentionally, but that the experience sends this message. Church leaders never seem to take kindly to blanket references to the church when it does bad things. It leads to questions like “What is the church???” or statements that make the church unaccountable. Leaders have done this to me multiple times whenever I refer to what “the church;’ did. To indicate it was the church experience providing implicit messages still holds the church somewhat accountable, but softens it to the point the leaders may not mount a defense based on this statement.

Also, you mentioned anger and resentment. I used this same phraseology in front of a church leader over something the church did. Not only did he disagree that it was “the church” that was the problem (see the previous paragraph), he held me fully accountable for holding those feelings — as church leaders are prone to do. Given the emphasis on forgiveness in the gospel, I think this phraseology weakens the message, although I full empathize with the feelings you are having. Perhaps softening anger and resentment to words such as feeling disturbed, not at peace, or other words could prevent this kind of predictable reaction.

Also, I am not sure what your objectives are in this case beyond getting released. I see a lot of value in the leaders knowing the impact your church experience has had on you; its the gradual awareness of situations like that from good, believing members that could eventually lead to change in the church or contribute to it. So, if that is one objective, I think it’s very good. The other seems to be to work with the leaders to come up with a plan. I would like to know what the objective of that plan is….that part is not clear to me at this point – perhaps to restore your inner peace?

Of course, as Schultz said in Hogan’s Heroes “I know nothing”, but you wanted feedback, so these are my initial impressions when reading the letter. Overall, I like the ideas in the letter (it may end up permanently in a file though, for other eyes to read – I know because I was charged with cleaning out files as an Exec Sec once and ended up learning all kinds of things about people I’m sure they would rather I didn’t know). That is the risk of putting these things in writing that I think should be at least acknowledged as possible.

[Anonymous]

turinturambar wrote:

. . . maintaining kindness and acceptance of gay people while holding up their relationships as a threat to civilization is a subtle and difficult thing to accomplish.

Hi, turinturambar – You’re right. Even if it could be done, should it? I’m beginning to comprehend the horrible predicament you find yourself in. You have a very thoughtful faith and your basic kindness really shines in this letter. I hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

T,

I’m with Curtis you laid it out there beautifully and I think they’ll get the message.

However, If this were my letter I wouldn’t be asking for release, I’d be informing that I was done with the callings and I wouldn’t be asking for permission, or favors, or explaining myself. YOU are in charge of what you do, not them. My letter would be one short paragraph long and it would likely offend someone. Your way is probably better.

I feel for you, hard situation That I can’t completely fathom. You are apparently a nicer person than me as well.

Good Luck

[Anonymous]

Turinturambar said this, but it’s worth repeating: His Bishop is a wonderful, caring, supportive person. I can attest to that.

[Anonymous]

Origami wrote:

T,

However, If this were my letter I wouldn’t be asking for release, I’d be informing that I was done with the callings…

With my experiences in this regard, I agree with Origami. In my experience, they drag their feet while you sit there in agony when it becomes tortuous to keep serving.

I would consider telling them how long you are giving them before you go away for a few weekends to reflect and then return. Give them a reasonable amount of time — and reasonable is what you think and need this time.

I am glad that you have a wonderful man as a Bishop. Perhaps he will be responsive.

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

Quote:

Dear BP and EQP

I am writing you this email to let you know what is going on with me, and to ask for a very important favor. The two of you have been extremely kind to me. You have shown caring and a willingness to listen and help. Unfortunately, neither of you have the power to relieve the immense pressure I feel from the institutional church (i.e. the teachings and emphasis of the brethren, church policy, and church culture). This pressure has been mounting for over two decades now, and I feel that I can no longer continue to hold callings in the church until I can find some viable solutions to the pressures that are now beginning to rip apart my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

I currently have deep resentment toward the institutional church, a feeling that has been growing for over two years now. I have only recently become aware of the damage done to me that the Church’s teachings, policies, and culture regarding homosexuality over the past 40 years have caused. I’ve taken meekness and a forgiving attitude so far that I haven’t even allowed myself to feel anger about these impositions on my soul. I know that it wasn’t anyone’s intention, but I was taught by the church to hate myself. To believe that I could not be acceptable to God or the church unless and until I could change my sexual orientation. To believe that I am a second-class citizen in the kingdom of God because I am not married, nor do I have children. Yet I am asked to give my all to the church regardless of whether or not I have full citizenship in the kingdom.

I have tried to maintain patience and hope for most of my life that things would somehow get better – that either I would change, or the church would change. It is clear from 15 years of therapy and effort that my sexual orientation is not going to change. It is also clear to me that the church is changing too slowly for my life to be significantly better. I am filled with a deep sadness, knowing and understanding that the church must do all it can to support and protect families, but also knowing that as long as the church is embroiled in conflict over same-sex marriage that it will be very difficult for members as a whole to be kind to gay people. As long as same-sex marriage is held up as a threat to the family gay people will be seen as enemies of the church. I appreciate that a few of the brethren have taught that members of the church should never be unkind to gay people, regardless of a difference in belief; but maintaining kindness and acceptance of gay people while holding up their relationships as a threat to civilization is a subtle and difficult thing to accomplish.

I think that both of you know my attitudes about this problem. I love the church. I know the Scriptures well and I believe very deeply in building Zion. I don’t want or intend to run out and have homosexual relations or relationships. Yet I believe that God has a plan for me, and my homosexual orientation is a part of that plan. I don’t believe that all has been revealed to us regarding the phenomenon of homosexual attraction and its relation to the plan of salvation. Yet the fruits of the apostles suggest that many if not most of them are unable or unwilling to ask God the important questions that will lead to revelation on this matter. If I didn’t care about the church or Zion it would be very simple for me to just walk away and never look back. But I do care, and I think that’s why my heart has been so deeply deeply wounded by all of this.

So what am I going to do about all of this? I want to come to church but I have so much anger and resentment about my church responsibilities because I feel like I’ve been left out to dry. I need to forgive in order to have peace. But I think that as long as I feel like the church is only interested in me for what I can give it, I will continue to feel resentful. I’d like to ask to be relieved of callings and home teaching while I work on this. I’d like to have the freedom to come to sacrament and feel the spirit, to chat with the two of you, to focus on forgiving, and then to go on from there. I don’t want to walk away or have my name removed from the records of the church. I believe that things can and will get better. I believe that I can learn to feel that I have a valuable place in the kingdom. But I have to get past this crushing spiritual emergency or I’m never going to get better. I’d like to sit down with the two of you to discuss a plan.

Thanks for your patience and love.

I put bold highlights on certain parts that caused reactions in me. Not because they aren’t necessarily accurate descriptions, but because they could open the door to defensive statements or platitudes.

For example, the idea the church taught you to hate yourself (in spite of no intention to do so) may well garner defensive reactions. I would be more inclined to say:

“The result of my church experience has been to receive the implicit message over and over again, that I should hate myself”. I would suggest a phraseology that doesn’t imply the church taught this, even unintentionally, but that the experience sends this message. Church leaders never seem to take kindly to blanket references to the church when it does bad things. It leads to questions like “What is the church???” or statements that make the church unaccountable. Leaders have done this to me multiple times whenever I refer to what “the church;’ did. To indicate it was the church experience providing implicit messages still holds the church somewhat accountable, but softens it to the point the leaders may not mount a defense based on this statement.

Also, you mentioned anger and resentment. I used this same phraseology in front of a church leader over something the church did. Not only did he disagree that it was “the church” that was the problem (see the previous paragraph), he held me fully accountable for holding those feelings — as church leaders are prone to do. Given the emphasis on forgiveness in the gospel, I think this phraseology weakens the message, although I full empathize with the feelings you are having. Perhaps softening anger and resentment to words such as feeling disturbed, not at peace, or other words could prevent this kind of predictable reaction.

Also, I am not sure what your objectives are in this case beyond getting released. I see a lot of value in the leaders knowing the impact your church experience has had on you; its the gradual awareness of situations like that from good, believing members that could eventually lead to change in the church or contribute to it. So, if that is one objective, I think it’s very good. The other seems to be to work with the leaders to come up with a plan. I would like to know what the objective of that plan is….that part is not clear to me at this point – perhaps to restore your inner peace?

Of course, as Schultz said in Hogan’s Heroes “I know nothing”, but you wanted feedback, so these are my initial impressions when reading the letter. Overall, I like the ideas in the letter (it may end up permanently in a file though, for other eyes to read – I know because I was charged with cleaning out files as an Exec Sec once and ended up learning all kinds of things about people I’m sure they would rather I didn’t know). That is the risk of putting these things in writing that I think should be at least acknowledged as possible.

I was about to say something similar to SD on potentially being tactful with some of those phrases that some LDS leaders could react to defensively. Don’t, for a minute, attribute blame to yourself for feeling that, but use a more neutral phrase – I think that’s important for maintaining empathy.

Having said that, you know your audience better than me, so if you feel they’d be ok reading that, then go for it.

[Anonymous]

I thought that the letter was great as written. It is obvious you have talked stake president and bishop in the past so they already know you and the struggles you have faced.

Since getting to know you on this board, SSA has taken on a new face for me and I want to thank you for sharing some of your most personal feelings. It had caused me to take a stand on this issue and to no longer keep quiet when bigoted people whether sincere or not speak their words of hate. I wish nothing but the best in your future pursuits. Please let us know how things go.

[Anonymous]

Love this letter. Honest, respectable, genuine and non forceful and dogmatic.

The letter is really quite tame, especially if you compare it to church manuals or GC talks, I wouldn’t change a thing. I get sincerity, love, compassion and understanding from it. I don’t know what more could be said.

I feel for you. I have a different situation but one that makes it very hard as well to straddle who I am while being fully active… I suffer from that choice constantly and don’t understand why I insist to subject myself to the pain. In that way and level is how I relate to the situation even though it is different.

I really wish you the best, peace, love and happiness.

Take care.

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

“The result of my church experience has been to receive the implicit message over and over again, that I should hate myself”. I would suggest a phraseology that doesn’t imply the church taught this, even unintentionally, but that the experience sends this message. Church leaders never seem to take kindly to blanket references to the church when it does bad things. It leads to questions like “What is the church???” or statements that make the church unaccountable. Leaders have done this to me multiple times whenever I refer to what “the church;’ did. To indicate it was the church experience providing implicit messages still holds the church somewhat accountable, but softens it to the point the leaders may not mount a defense based on this statement.

I’ve had a similar experience with my bishop over tithing. It seemed like we were on the same page when we were talking about how I had assumed certain blessings from tithing compliance, derived expectations from those assumptions, and then became disillusioned when I felt that the blessings came up short.

He even brought up how there are businesses all over Utah filing for bankruptcy. These businesses are sometimes owned by faithful Latter Day Saints that work hard and do everything they know how to keep the doors open. Some of them probable felt that their tithing compliance would help them.

I was so encouraged that I brought up a statement in a current church manual that promised both physical/tangible blessing and spiritual blessings for tithing compliance. My bishop then testified that tithing brings blessings.

We then moved on rather than try to argue the point. It just surprised me how quickly the conversation seemed to change when I tried to tie my expectations back to what I was taught and what is still taught in the church. It was instructive of the limitations of my bishop to see things from my perspective.

I still believe him to be a good man and a good bishop.

[Anonymous]

Incredibly well written. Good luck.

[Author]

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