Help with anger

[Anonymous]

An REBT therapist by the name of Ed Garcia gave a great talk on the anatomy of anger that has helped me with my anger at the Church, and helps me not get riled up every Sunday. He states that anger is fueled by 3 thoughts, without which there is no anger. 1) Demand that it be another way. 2) Omniscient mindset that you know the right way or that one is doing it THE wrong way 3) Devaluing a person or thing.

As I looked at my thoughts I realized this was true. When someone gets up and starts talking about how without the priesthood there would be nothing; families would be miserable, and forget the chance of them being together forever, I get a little angry. I get angry because I feel the Church places itself higher than the family, as the prerequisite to things all mankind are entitled to, as the gatekeeper of universally available principles. For example, intuition. Sure a non-member can get guidance from God, but if you want to constantly have it, you need the Ordinances of the Church. Maybe my anger is apparent already. So where does that anger come from?

1) My Demand that it be different. That an organization never sell something to someone that they can get on their own, and especially offer itself as the one and only way to get it. 2) My attitude of omniscience is saying that this is absolutely wrong, and amoral 3) I am devaluing the Church as I picture it is as a con. All of this is of course magnified by the embarrassment that I fell for it, and lead others to it, as well as the frustration that comes from being bound to this crap (Oh see there is Devaluing) to keep my family together.

So knowing this I can now tell myself things that help me counter these thoughts. A lot of this is along the lines of the main Essay of this site. 1) Really? I am going to expect that an organization seeking to promulgate and grow will never sell something to me that I could achieve on my own? Do I really expect them not to market? I might think they shouldn’t, but that is different than demanding they stop. Along those lines it is a rare movement that will say, “Oh yeah we do a pretty good job at delivering x,y, and z, but you can pretty much get the same thing from another group.” Good luck filling the pews with that mindset although I prefer it and there rare organizations who do that. 2)Maybe it isn’t wrong. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe more people are led to the principles that bring happiness then would be with another mindset. I think probably not, but it is an interesting world out there, and my most certain perceptions have been dead wrong before. 3) Looking at the Church as an insidious organization equal to that of a con is not realistic. It feels dishonest, but even if it is that dishonesty doesn’t define the organization.

I have also been helped by journaling and from the sage advice that anger is a secondary emotion, the tip of the iceburg, that can subside as we address the emotions that make the rest of the iceburg, and maybe even give them to God.

I hope this helps someone. It has helped me.

Aloha and Warmest wishes,

Broofturker

[Anonymous]

I really like those reasons as causes of anger.

I tend to phrase them as unrealistic expectations, black-and-white thinking combined with pride, and lack of charity.

[Anonymous]

broofturker wrote:

… anger is a secondary emotion, the tip of the iceburg, that can subside as we address the emotions that make the rest of the iceburg, and maybe even give them to God.

Thanks for your post. If I’m missing something, I’m sorry, but what do you think the primary emotion is?

[Anonymous]

These are some great thoughts. I also find that when I am irritated by actions of other members, it’s partly my embarrassment at being associated with people I disagree with or who say or do things I don’t like. It reminds me a little bit of growing up, and the only thing people knew about Mormons was polygamy. So when kids found out I was Mormon, out came all the polygamy jokes. I had zero belief in polygamy, no polygamous ancestors (my parents are converts) and no experience (until I went to college at BYU) with any Mormons who had polygamous ancestors and saw it as a part of Mormonism. To me, it didn’t even register as a real part of the church at that age. So, I hated being put in a position of having to defend something that was not what I belonged to or believed anyway. (I didn’t defend polygamy, just Mormonism – it’s just that people in rural PA didn’t know the difference).

Having lived abroad and traveled extensively, the same thing happens to me as an American. People think I am Annie Oakley, carrying a concealed weapon and ready to blow someone away at a moment’s provocation, even though I am not a fan of guns and wouldn’t own one. So I have to defend our freedoms as Americans while disagreeing with my fellow Americans.

When I hear someone at church say something that I believe makes us look bad (judgmental, narrow-minded, stupid or gullible, or just plain ignorant), I get mad thinking that they are an embarrassment to me and others. I want to change them so they don’t reflect badly on me, so that Mormons are not seen as those negative things.

Anyway, that’s how I sometimes feel and deal.

[Anonymous]

Ann wrote:

broofturker wrote:

… anger is a secondary emotion, the tip of the iceburg, that can subside as we address the emotions that make the rest of the iceburg, and maybe even give them to God.

Thanks for your post. If I’m missing something, I’m sorry, but what do you think the primary emotion is?

DW places a high value on what others think so for her embarrassment might lead to anger. Embarrassment is a very uncomfortable emotion and anger feels more comfortable. For me my trigger is feeling disrespected and that can lead quickly to anger. This might translate in a church setting to someone teaching a concept that disrespects me and people like me – but more particularly if I express an idea that is completely discounted and devalued. Maybe that has to do with embarrassment too. 😳

[Anonymous]

broofturker

I love the reasons of anger. I have also learned anger as a secondary emotion and believe that. It is great to hear different reasons of what may trigger it, so thanks for the post.

I do NLP emotional release processing. I totally agree in releasing emotions and giving them to God.(I may have interpreted what you said to my own beliefs/actions. So excuse me if that isn’t what you meant). I do this during mediation, sacrament, before I fall asleep. Whenever I feel “stuck”. It really helps to get to the bottom of the actual reason of the anger.

I feel the sometimes my brain hurts because my first reaction is anger and I want to make a rash decision. Then my second thought is fear of burning bridges that would be difficult to rebuild… so no rash decisions. This is causing me to take the time to really discover the root of the anger. I feel the SAME way about the things that are making you angry. I love hearing your reasoning process.

Hawgrrl, I never even considered that it was the embarrassment of being associated with the culture and being lumped in with them. but that is so true!! It is part of the anger trigger. Wow, that is a whole ‘nother can. I have a lot of writing and releasing to do.

[Anonymous]

Ann wrote:

broofturker wrote:

… anger is a secondary emotion, the tip of the iceburg, that can subside as we address the emotions that make the rest of the iceburg, and maybe even give them to God.

Thanks for your post. If I’m missing something, I’m sorry, but what do you think the primary emotion is?

The primary emotionS (There is usually a whole slew of things going on) would be things like fear and sorrow. For example, when a person is mad because their spouse leaves a mess every day, despite promising otherwise, anger is the tip of the iceburg, underneath is sorrow that you are stuck with someone who doesn’t value you enough to live up to your expectations. You may feel guilty for feeling that. You may feel anxious because you are trying to stuff the feeling that maybe your spouse just doesn’t give you the priority you would like. Fear could linger as you imagine that the rest of your life you may have to live like this. Even this example leaves off a host of other thoughts and feelings that may be fueling your anger.

Hey, I am no expert on this but I hope it helps out.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

DW places a high value on what others think so for her embarrassment might lead to anger. Embarrassment is a very uncomfortable emotion and anger feels more comfortable. For me my trigger is feeling disrespected and that can lead quickly to anger. This might translate in a church setting to someone teaching a concept that disrespects me and people like me – but more particularly if I express an idea that is completely discounted and devalued. Maybe that has to do with embarrassment too. 😳

Thanks, Roy. I never though about feeling disrespected, but I totally have. I spotted the embarrassment, but, wow, good call on the disrespect. It is disrespectful to have ideas poo-pooed especially from your people, and that leads to sadness and confusion for me.

Look at us. Aren’t we just the models of feeling I feel like I need to go watch the Expendables or something

[Anonymous]

opentofreedom wrote:

broofturker

I do NLP emotional release processing. I totally agree in releasing emotions and giving them to God.(I may have interpreted what you said to my own beliefs/actions. So excuse me if that isn’t what you meant). I do this during mediation, sacrament, before I fall asleep. Whenever I feel “stuck”. It really helps to get to the bottom of the actual reason of the anger.

.

Thank you for your insights. I think you interpreted me right on. I think this practice of digging deeper into our anger and facing the reality of what causes it by meditating, writing, and now posting is good for the soul, and if there is just a lingering fear or sadness we can release to God or our higher power or the Universe.

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