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Long time lurker, very infrequent poster. Been asked to speak in sacrament this Sunday on Elder Bednar’s conference talk And Nothing Shall Offend Them. I’m not a big fan of perpetuating the stereotype that people who leave the church due so because they were offended. Any thoughts on how to attack this from a more staylds-ish perspective? I’m generally not a fan of Bednar, but last year I was asked to give a talk on one of his talks. (This is the worst idea in the history of mankind, talks about talks!) I haven’t read the talk you asked about, but here’s how I approached my talk. I read the talk and looked for something I could agree with. In my case, Bednar talked about the vision of Elijah. I noted that “Bednar skips some very important events as he jumps from 1823 to 1836 and I thought it would be good to fill in some details.” So the rest of my talk, I talked about what I wanted to talk about. Then at the very end, I tried to tie it back to Bednar so I could legitimately say I started and ended with Bednar’s talk, but the middle was all mine! I posted my talk on my blog. See https://mormonheretic.org/2016/07/11/doctrinal-history-of-vicarious-work/ The bishop came up to me after the talk and said, “Wow, I really learned a lot from that talk!” (Which if I had regurgitated Bednar’s talk, I doubt he would have said that.) It worked out VERY well, proving that sometimes you can make lemonade out of lemons.
If it was me, I would take a bit of a risk and talk about how hurftul, damaging, and unfair it is to assume people leave because they are offended or any other singular reason. Bednar in his talk mentions the Thomas Marsh story. I would take this opportunity to discuss the actual details of that story as an example of how there is always so much more under the surface of what we assume. I would use the quote from Uchtdorf’s talk about how there are many reasons why people leave. Then I would spend time focusing on Christ-like messages of love and acceptance and not judging and striving to be a Christ-like people and making our ward a Christ-like ward where those who are struggling with a desire to engage for whatever reason (be it history issues, LGBT, policies, offenses, burn-out, etc) can still come and feel loved and non-judged.
The end.
I just read through the talk, and I think here’s how I might approach it. I like what Elder Bednar said at the beginning. Quote:During the years I served as a stake president, I often would contact one of the bishops and invite him to prayerfully identify individuals or families we could visit together. Before traveling to a home, the bishop and I would kneel and petition our Heavenly Father for guidance and inspiration, for us and for the members with whom we would meet.
Our visits were quite straightforward. We expressed love and appreciation for the opportunity to be in their home. We affirmed that we were servants of the Lord on His errand to their home. We indicated that we missed and needed them—and that they needed the blessings of the restored gospel.
I might ask something for people to look at themselves, much as Jesus at the Last Supper and say, “Lord, is it I?” When we do HT or VT, are we doing as Elder Bednar suggests, “petitioning our Heavenly Father for guidance and inspiration”? Are we letting people know “we missed and needed them?” I think these are great questions we should ask ourselves. Do we really miss them, or are we simply checking a box, going through the motions and saying we miss them but don’t mean it? People can tell when we are not sincere. Nobody wants to be a project. Is our concern real? Do we miss them, or are we simply trying to manipulate them into believing it. Do we make an effort to reach out, even when it is not our responsibility to visit as a HT or VT? Do we really miss them, or are these words empty of true empathy?
Elder Bednar goes on to list some reasons why people may not come.
Quote:“No one in this branch greeted or reached out to me. I felt like an outsider. I was hurt by the unfriendliness of this branch.”
I live in a ward that has new people every week. It can frankly be difficult to know who is new. Are our wards friendly enough? Our we too insular? Do we reach out to visitors? Once again, Lord is it I? Am I friendly to everyone I meet? Do I think it’s someone else’s responsibility to meet others? Am I seeking the stranger?
Elder Bednar cites another reason.
Quote:Many other causes of offense were cited—from doctrinal differences among adults to taunting, teasing, and excluding by youth.
Are we teaching our youth that taunting, teasing, and being excluded are not Christian conduct? Do we notice when our youth are excluding others? I have lived in wards, and even been the subject of exclusion. It is not fun to be excluded. Do we have conversations with our youth that let them know to be kind to all? Are we as parents modeling Christian behavior, or are we guilty of excluding others? Lord, is it I? Are we a barrier to someone’s activity in the church?
If someone expresses a less than orthodox answer in a Sunday School lesson, are they excluded? Do we get offended when someone expresses a political opinion different than our own? Do we avoid people, or do we welcome their participation? Do we welcome sinners? Let’s not forget, I am a sinner, you are a sinner, we are all sinners. Do you welcome me, a sinner? Elder Uchtdorf said “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”
I had a bishop who said his favorite smell in Sacrament meeting was cigarettes, because it meant someone was trying hard to be like Jesus and be a better person. Would we feel comfortable sitting next to someone who reeked of cigarettes? Would we feel comfortable sitting next to someone heavily tattooed, or would we shun these people? We all know that Jesus would embrace these people, and be thankful they came to church. Would we be thankful they came to church? Lord, is it I? Would I embrace them, or would I make it so uncomfortable for them that they chose not to come again? Once again, am I a barrier to someone’s activity in the church?
I have served in the temple, and our temple president said that as temple workers, our #1 responsibility was not to offend the patrons. On the one hand, as temple workers, we were to perform the ordinances correctly, and exactly. However, if a patron didn’t do it exactly right, we were to assume they were doing the best they could. He told a story about Elder Oaks who attended the temple following shoulder surgery. It caused tremendous pain to raise his arm to the square, but he did the best he could. A well-meaning temple worker came and straightened his arm for him! Do not offend. Assume people are doing the best they can. As temple workers, we were constantly reminded that we need to be careful about repeated corrections. We don’t want to embarrass people. We want them to continue to come to the temple and have a good experience. We should keep this mind at church as well. Don’t embarrass people. Assume they are doing their best. Avoid repeated corrections. We want them to come back, so we should treat them with the utmost of kindness.
Romans 14:13 Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this–not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother’s way. I like where Gospel Tangents and Mormon Heretic have you turning. (I am not a Bednar-ite either). Grab the less obvious, but important, good stuff. Adding to Gospel Tangents points is a great article about a Bishop who dressed up as a homeless man and how his own ward responded to him.
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865591437/Mormon-bishop-disguises-himself-as-homeless-man-to-teach-congregation-about-compassion.html ” class=”bbcode_url”> http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865591437/Mormon-bishop-disguises-himself-as-homeless-man-to-teach-congregation-about-compassion.html Definitely dig into Uchtdorf’s talk about why people leave.
If this were mine, I would follow Mormon Heretic and slant to 3rd Nephi 18 vs. 22, 23 and 25. It’s a commandment to us to include everyone. No matter what, or how.
Even the offended. I think the message about not ever getting offended is horrible and has been used horribly by members. However, I think there is plenty in the talk you can use as the core of a talk of your own. In other words, what everyone else said.
I am also not a fan of Bednar but I’ll put this in some context. My talk assignments come with two “reference talks” from the most recent GC. There is a topic given along with the references. It is expected that the references are used, but it is not expected that we regurgitate the talks. Sometimes I don’t like one of the references very much, and sometimes I don’t like either of them (like last month). Just for the record, most of the time I do like them and I have some input into the topics. In the cases where I don’t like them I try to find something in there I do like or at least agree with use it – and they’re in there even with guys like Bednar. What that means is that sometimes (often actually) my talks will have only one quote from a reference talk and at least once I have only used one quote from one talk. The rest is the topic referenced with scripture and often other GA (usually Q15) talks not necessarily from the most recent conference. Those who follow me also know I always include a quote from my hero. So…I’d take something I agree with from Bednar’s talk and use the quote somewhere and the rest would be what I wanted to say on the subject, appropriately backed up with scripture and quotes (and someone already suggested the quote I would use from my hero).
I’m not a big fan of Bednar’s talk, because it seems to be a blame the victim approach. However, I think if we can take some of the quotes and turn them into self-reflection, (lord, is it I?) you could end up with a very good talk. I have read through this talk and I do not like it. I do however like the suggestion of Gospel Tangents in turning this question around to how we might be offensive to others.
My initial reaction was: Why are they reaching back to a conference talk given nearly 11 years ago for sacrament meeting subjects? Maybe your ward council believes there’s a problem with people taking offense in your ward?
Good luck.
^This. I really enjoyed what GospelTangents wrote. I do think one of the biggest problems we have in the Church, is that we pat ourselves on the back when we hear about positive and virtuous traits, and condemn others whenever we hear about the negative qualities. The “sins mostly apply to other people” mentality. I would try to make sure the congregation asks “Is it I?”. Members can greatly offended when anyone questions their beliefs; even more when people leave the Church. How many people who are now inactive, would’ve remained if the members in their ward did not “take offense”? What can we do to ensure that everyone feels comfortable, and at home in our Church?
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. I read through all of them. I too have never been a Bednar fan, and didn’t think much of the assignment. Talks on talks never seem to go well, what was particularly interesting was that both my wife and I were assigned to speak on the same talk. 
I ended up taking a lot of the advice here. I only had a bit more than 10 minutes to speak (thanks honey
I focused my talk around the theme of Seeking Understanding (Proverbs 4:7). On how quick we are to judge one another as lazy, fat, stupid, heretics and sinners and we fail to truly understand them. I shared a couple of stories in that regard. Shared how Christ “[took] upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people” and how we through baptism have committed to do the same – to bear one another’s burdens.
I used gospeltangents suggestion with Lord is it I as well as Roy’s reference to Roman’s 14. I made sure to mention that I didn’t believe nor did I think the brethren think that people leave simply because they were offended (quoting Uchtdorf -“It’s not that simple”). Anyway I have never received more praise after a talk than this one so thanks for all the help everyone (including from the stake president who was in attendance)!
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