Helping Teenagers Deal with Church Boredom

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

NightSG wrote:

Heber13 wrote:

– It is a reflection on the parents. If the parents understood the importance of the Sabbath Day better, they’d be teaching the kids better that they have to stay all 3 hours

What a wonderful tactic; shame the parents and see if the whole family will go inactive instead of just the kids.

I know…right??? The kicker was…they were talking about my step-son and step-daughter by name…with me in the room…and talking about the parents not teaching them right…with me in the room.

Hellllooooooo. I’m right here. I get the picture…you all think I need to teach my kids better. I just tried to give them my point of view…if they wanted to hear it…that if church is boring…telling the kids they SHOULD like it will not help. Guilting parents WILL NOT HELP.

Meh…who cares. I took my step-daughter out to get a sandwich 2nd hour so we could talk about her stress she had that day. Then she went back to 3rd hour of YW and was in a great mood. It made a great memory for our family.

I think people need to relax a bit at church…and make things more meaningful to the individual youths…that they are important…more than rules and attendance records. Youth need to feel they are important and cared about to help them overcome their insecurities.

Notice how few of the suggestions address the internal church problem of the EXPERIENCE. They did talk about treats in class and carrot stick stuff, but what about making church INTERESTING????? That is what gives me passion in my current calling in the church — that I am actually working on improving the experience for everyone.

When I taught youth, we had them bringing their non-member friends because the experience was enjoyable. When I have taught certain classes, people started coming from other classes and overflowing the room. People will come if it’s good.

I notice they didn’t mention leveraging the teachers council either, or supporting it by sending their teachers there, or getting really good teachers in place to teach the youth.

The other thing — blaming the parents. What happened to me when my son refused the priesthood at 12 is a case in point. People immediately said “it depends if family prayer and FHE is happening”. Well, No, I said, look at my daughter who is near perfect TBM — the family culture is not the only driver of gospel acceptance in kids. Fast forward 2 years, and we find it was that my son was self-conscious about people seeing his diabetes pump when he passed the sacrament. When we told him he didn’t have to pass as a teacher, he agreed to be ordained a teacher.

So, was it the family culture? Bad parents? No! It was an underlying, practical/emotional concern.

last of all, I have a friend who was by the book with his kids. An Ex-Bishop of 10 years. Both his sons want NOTHING to do with the church. They resented seminary to the max. They hated going to church, and he forced them. Me, I was loosey goosey and I have a TBM daughter who has a TR and is her own person when it comes to the church. My son is still active although barely. And we WON’T be forcing him to go to Seminary…he can sit home since we know how strongly he feels about it. I suspect we will get more from him this way, than if we force him to do drudgerous things.

That’s why I posted this thread! To figure out how to get him to church without forcing him…

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

The kicker was…they were talking about my step-son and step-daughter by name…with me in the room…and talking about the parents not teaching them right…with me in the room.

Oh, that would have had me at the very least walking out right then. Quite possibly after a lecture that would make a Pentecostal preacher cringe. Fair chance I’d even send a written notice that anyone sent to my home would be getting a notice of criminal trespass filed against them.

SilentDawning wrote:

I suspect we will get more from him this way, than if we force him to do drudgerous things.

And that’s the key; when someone is on the fence, you don’t start yanking hard unless you’re willing to accept that they might just as easily fall to the other side. For all the talk about the Church being for imperfect people, the attitude at the local level, often including leadership, is often focused on that sort of intentional shaming. On top of the (presumably) unintentional insensitive comments, it gets overwhelming pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

And that’s the key; when someone is on the fence, you don’t start yanking hard unless you’re willing to accept that they might just as easily fall to the other side. For all the talk about the Church being for imperfect people, the attitude at the local level, often including leadership, is often focused on that sort of intentional shaming. On top of the (presumably) unintentional insensitive comments, it gets overwhelming pretty quickly.

Totally, and in my experience ostracization can be part of the experience.

We have a black and white stake president. He was in our ward hunting for a Bishop last week (I think). I ran into him a few times and once we were like almost hip to hip. I moved to keep heading out of the room, but he interpreted my movement as an invitation to shake hands. I kept moving, not realizing what his interpretation was, and he quickly retracted it. The movement was slight but it was clear that he really didn’t know what to do with me. I find this also happens — I know our Bishop and his counselor (a very close friend) must have talked about me as I have held PPI”s as HPGL and formerly strong members names come up all the time.

They quickly fall into mistrusting us if they know we are not fully invested in the church experience anymore.

But back to teenagers — not a lot of practical ways of making it better, is there?

[Anonymous]

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but you might have to choose between having your son resent church and letting him attend fewer hours of it. Obviously this depends on the reasons your son wants to attend fewer hours of church, but for me, church has been a much better experience after cutting down the number of meetings I attend. Not just because of what is often said in those meetings, but also because church is honestly too long. Sometimes there isn’t a way to convince or force yourself to have a net positive experience with something, let alone someone else.

[Anonymous]

I hope this isn’t too off topic but I wanted to offer up a few apologetics. I hope this doesn’t get so long as to strain people’s patience.

Heber13 wrote:

Our ward councils have been trying to address this issue for months.

Here are some of the things that have come out of that discussion:

– Tell the youth they SHOULD want to be there, it is for their own good, someday they’ll thank you

– It is a reflection on the parents. If the parents understood the importance of the Sabbath Day better, they’d be teaching the kids better that they have to stay all 3 hours

– Youth cannot spiritually grow if they don’t put in the time. Testimonies don’t happen by themselves.

– Youth have to stand in holy places…they have to be in church to experience the good in church

– Make games and give treats in class to keep youth there, reward them like rank advancement carrot and stick programs…and while there they will pick up on spiritual nuggets

(actually followed by the next comment by someone else that we should not be here to entertain the youth and bribe them…they should WANT to be there if they really love God)

– The ward is strengthened when we attend, we become a unified ward

– We don’t always get to do what we want, we have to do what we should do and obey our leaders

– “When I was a kid, we didn’t have a choice. Our parents just made us go.” (My thoughts listening to him say that- so apparently…because we had to live through it as youth, we want others to live through the boredom too…and maybe that is fair to us???? They might as well start talking about how they had to walk uphill both ways in the snow to church when they were young…for some reason that makes some point???)

They’re afraid. They are afraid that the rising generation is lost and will lose their very salvation if they aren’t active in the church. Eternal life is at stake and these kids don’t even realize it! And to some degree they’re afraid of god’s judgments being aimed in their direction if they fail to rescue the youth.

D&C 68:25 – which IMO culturally extends to parents and leaders of adults, not just kids younger than 8. The sins of the people with stewardship are not on the heads of the people under that stewardship (if [the prophet] ever tells you to do anything, and it is wrong, and you do it, the lord will bless you for it) but the reverse doesn’t seem to hold up in our culture… the people with stewardship are accountable for what the people under their stewardship do. I don’t want this to turn into that debate, I’m just saying that the fear of losing one’s own salvation may or may not be coming into play.

Fear is a powerful emotion.

– – –

They aren’t wired to accept that the church isn’t for everyone. I don’t have much to add on that point.

– – –

The reason I caved and replied. Those comments about the parents… I made similar comments years and years ago. Why? Exhaustion.

Nibbler, 66.66% of the youth are inactive. What are you doing to fix it?

Nibbler, we need you to drive to the kid’s house, knock on their door, find out from their parents that the kid is out playing, track the kid down in their neighborhood, bring the kid to church for mutual, and then take them home afterwards. You also need to do this for the 5 other kids that aren’t coming.

Nibbler, 66.66% of the youth are inactive. What are you doing to fix it?

So I broke.

“Can we ask the parents to do something? Like call when their kid needs a ride to church. Make sure their kid is at home and waiting for the ride when it shows up. The parents bear some responsibility in all this. They have to do something.”

And I was quickly shamed because someone in local leadership owes their activity in church to some dear brother that did all those things for their family for a solid decade because their parents were inactive/deadbeats/hostile to the church/whatever. Fair enough.

My little story isn’t a perfect fit but it relates a little. I got to the point where I was frustrated because it was absolutely vital that these kids make it to mutual to be bored out of their skulls. The parents weren’t lifting a finger so it was up to nibbler to become their parent. Add enough kids into the mix and enough time and it’s burnout city. Can’t the parents at least pick up a phone? No. So nibbler got a little impatient and started tossing parents under the bus.

I was also operating under the mindset that “the kids must attend our meetings.” Also, looking back, I think I took church callings far to serious/personal. FAR to serious. I couldn’t allow things to fail, I couldn’t let things go, if there was a failure it sure wasn’t going to be because of me… but I don’t think that’s a recipe for growth, that’s a recipe for the same dozen people in a ward becoming Atlas… and the subject of a different thread.

– – –

I think being “fair” comes into play. If I had to, you have to. It doesn’t even have to be about past injustices, if I have to go to church and be bored you do too.

You raise good points in your post. I think most of those sentiments come from a place of viewing the church as the only path back to heaven. Don’t underestimate what the world looks like through that lens.

[Anonymous]

nibbler wrote:

They’re afraid. They are afraid that the rising generation is lost and will lose their very salvation if they aren’t active in the church.

If you’re afraid the yard is looking patchy, you don’t go put down a two foot layer of compost. That just guarantees the huge pile of rotten crap will kill off most of what’s left.

There’s a lot of indiscriminate, high-volume manure spreading going on, and very little soil analysis. They ask “experts” what’s wrong, but don’t send those experts to examine the lawn closely before giving an opinion. Then as that fails, they assume they just need more manure.

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

But back to teenagers — not a lot of practical ways of making it better, is there?

Not from the institution, not really.

The practical way is to take it upon yourself to make it better for an individual youth by connecting with them in and outside the church. That means being creative on how things are done for them. Perhaps there are some small, incremental improvements leaders can change the activities and lessons, but that takes time and the youth are in need of something now…this week…not in the amount of time it takes to make a cultural change in the ward or even the whole church and the curriculum.

I don’t think youth care much about 90% of all the stuff going on at church.

They just want to feel good about themselves and learn how to see the world and the challenges in it.

Find the learning experiences, despite the boring meetings. Take it upon yourself to teach your teenage children those lessons. Reach out to other teenagers when you can.

Otherwise, there isn’t much that will change.

ydeve wrote:

you might have to choose between having your son resent church and letting him attend fewer hours of it

That is one realistic and rational approach. As I’ve shared…we let them have fewer hours, without throwing in the towel completely on it.

nibbler wrote:

someone in local leadership owes their activity in church to some dear brother that did all those things for their family for a solid decade because their parents were inactive/deadbeats/hostile to the church/whatever.

Those are always the stories brought up to try to inspire us to do this kinda stuff…and if it works and we do something and it makes a difference great. But for every story like this that is told…there are hundreds where it was a failure. Hey…they make for great stories…but…is it realistic to do this kinda thing?

IDK…only if someone wants to do it and it makes them feel better about themselves and it helps increase love by reaching out to a youth that needs something. It can be ok…but it just isn’t really the answer for a church losing so many youth.

Perhaps it is the starfish story…it may not make much of a difference overall with the struggles the church faces in today’s world…but you might make a difference to an individual. And perhaps that is worth it.

My experience is that church might stretch us to try to do something, whatever we can. But we can’t get caught up in the “fear” nibbler described.

nibbler wrote:

Fear is a powerful emotion.

– – –

They aren’t wired to accept that the church isn’t for everyone.

So…my main point….we can’t look to the church to be “fixed” for the youth or try to fix it from the inside. The church is what it is. If it is boring, it is boring.

All we can do is make a choice to find ways to make it fun for our children, our youth we can reach…or we can let it go and give the youth permission to not have to go all the time if they hate it…and just accept not all are getting something out of it.

Similar to scouting…although I realize it is the church program, and some people get good lessons out of seeking goals and advancement and some outdoor skills…my boys hated it…I didn’t make them do it…and life moves on. It just isn’t for them. And that is fine. They are good kids regardless.

There are other ways to teach youth values and principles other than scouting. I feel the same way about church, priesthood, YW, and all the programs in it.

You either find ways to pick and choose how to use it for good…or you let it go and find something else.

Youth need more than video games in their life.

If you let them skip out on church…then…what is the alternative you will use for helping them learn and develop? There are other alternatives. And many are just as flawed as boring church. So…you pick best you can, and go with it.

It doesn’t really happen by demanding the church change from being bored. Helping youth happens one on one with choices in making experiences valuable.

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