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I know there is a subset of us here who have trouble getting over offenses from leaders and members alike…I personally have found the advice in the Bible unhelpful (he that fails to forgive has the greater sin), and the advice that bitterness hurts the victim more than the offender unhelpful in motivating change. However, in the last few years I’ve turned to non-church sources which have helped, and wanted to share. Perhaps you could add your own advice if you fall into the slow forgiver’s arena. By the way, this is not aimed at anyone here — even if you’ve been guilty of items in the list below. I have been working on this for a while now and am reading widely on the subject of forgiveness. I am contributing this as this is something I can speak authoritatively about and I think it might help anyone who is faced with living with, or being friends with a slow forgiver.
For people who interact with slow forgivers:
1) Realize everyone has their own timetable for getting over offences. Don’t expect everyone to forgive on YOUR timetable, realize everyone is different, and for some people, particularly people try to be sensitive to other people or have empathy for others, offenses from others can take a long time to get over. Sometimes years for things you personally consider minor.
2) Please, don’t be accusing and tell the the other person they are sinning even more than the person who offended them. This only makes the situation harder to get over because it laces the offence with an extra dose of injustice. And it makes the gospel even less palatable as a source of help. I’ve had some people point their finger at me and condemn me as a result and it only makes the situation worse.
3) Listen — for as long as you can stand it or think is healthy. This is where you CAN assert your perspective.
But at the point it becomes too much to hear the slow-forgivers dwelling on the issue, feel free to set some boundaries on the subject. Show empathy and love for their journey, but indicate that from your perspective, you’d like to contain the conversation to new material — particularly progress in making forgivness, steps the slow forgiver is taking to be productive in spite of the hurt, and their progress in overcoming it. Affirm your friendship while limiting conversation about the topic. In the context of a solid friendship, this can help the person gain some awareness of how their dwelling on the hurt affects others, and will reduce the amount of obsessing about the hurt, which in the end, only deepens the wound. I had one person confide that he too suffered from negative thinking and my own comments about my hurt made it hard for him to deal with his own — this made a difference. But be nice about it — and affirm the relationship and show charity. Don’t be mean or blunt!
4) Don’t tell them to “get over it”. This does not help. If they have been in the church for any length of time, they already know this. You come across as an alien to the slow forgiver who really doesnt’ understand the depth of the hurt. You lose your influence with the person.
5) Do focus on helping them be productive in spite of the hurt. Recognize the hurt and the long time it takes to get over it, and instead of telling them to get over it, help them be resilient in spite of the hurt they are carrying around with them. Some people are genetically predisposed to negative thinking, grudges, and depression even. Some positive psychologists advocate helping people lead productive, positive lives in spite of their genetic predispositions, rather than trying to change those dispositions. Quote Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln who BOTH suffered from depression and black periods, but who went on and lived highly productive lives in spite of their dark thinking.
I hope this helps — people often visit this site seeking alternate perspectives, so I think this post could be of value.
If you are a slow forgiver and want to share how you feel others can help you when you are hurting, feel free to share. And if you are NOT a slow forgiver, feel free to ask questions of us slow forgivers with a view to understanding us better or learning how we think. It’s different than a lot of other people out there, I’ve learned. You could become a more effective friend,family member, blogger etcetera or at least broaden your perspective.
For many people, trust is a big part of the issue. When someone’s trust in someone is shattered and they are also being given hurtful messages about themselves, the forgiveness part ends up having to be separated from the trusting part. It can be hard to learn that you can forgive someone while not trusting them as much or ever again. This is why when someone in authority can no longer be trusted and so many people think if you have a problem with someone in authority, they often interpret it as you are not forgiving instead of you can’t trust that person again. Other people in the church setting often create much more stress for the person trying to work through the process of forgiving.
Great insight, afterall.
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