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My parents came from Utah, moved out west in the 1950s but had no interest in the Church though they were baptized. I joined the Church at the age of 12 after missionaries showed up at the door and taught me 2 lessons which for some reason piqued the interest of a then 11 year old boy. Though they gave up on me what they had said kept rolling around in my head and eventually I attended Church by myself. A year later I was baptized. I look back at that and wonder why I would want to give up a Sunday to go to Church when no one cared if I went and I had no Mormon friends. I served a mission against my parents wishes. They really hated the Church after that. I went to BYU for a year and did not like it feeling I was treated like a child. I struggled after that. I went back home and got a job giving up on college for a while. I was treated horribly by my Stake President who had a vendetta against me due to an altercation with his son in high school. Though temple worthy he did his best to keep me from having callings. Pretty unusual I think to have such a bad egg as stake president. This and other things that members did frustrated me and I decided I needed a break from Church. I had lots of non member friends as Mormons were a very small minority in No. Calif. When I left it wasn’t a question of faith and for a while the burden of what I was experiencing at church lessoned and I welcomed that. But though I felt fine at first I wasn’t filling that spiritual cup and slowly I lost a lot. I finally went back to a local school and studied Physics. All my new friends except one was an atheist. Fine, caring wonderful and atheist. It was the second blow and my faith dwindled to a just a spark. At that time I met the woman who I would marry. She was not religious and could not make sense of religion so just went on without it. But what a wonderful woman. So here I am 22 years later with two great daughters and my not religious wife by my side. Somewhat different than what I read here where one of two faithful members have doubts. I feel for you so much – it must be sooo hard. All this time I cannot let go of the Church. I feel I am not whole without it and yet feel uncomfortable in it. The conflict drives so much unrest. Two years ago I go back for 3 weeks in a row after 25 years away. My wife is totally supportive and my kids “like” me better when I go!! But they don’t join me. I hate being at Church and wonder why I am going. But as I drive off there is this calm and peaceful feeling that I know came from attending. And it is restorative. I’m called in to talk to the Bishop after attending more or less every week for 6 weeks (though not priesthood meeting) and he asks me to be one of two gospel principal teachers. He asks me no questions at all but tells me with a tear running down his cheek that he prayed about it and that is what he is supposed to do. Given all I know about the Church this seems crazy. I could be a drinker or wife beater or any number of things let alone have any ability to teach – he has no idea, he doesn’t’ know me – I’ve only talked to him once briefly before, he doesnt’ even ask me if I have a testimony. But he is a sincere and trustworthy guy and there is something there. This ward has been so wonderful in that I always felt you had to be 100% in or 100% out, no in between. These folks just were so humble and told me it was OK to not be perfect!! After 2 weeks I say OK to teaching but I still think it’s crazy and can’t figure out why I agreed. I taught every other week for 18 months and then asked to be released due to family conflicts (the new mid day time was conflicting with my non-Mormon family activities plus taking care of elderly parents). I miss teaching even though I had conflicts there. I miss the good of being there. Knowing that there are other people like you folks on this site, people that are obviously good and genuine and caring people that struggle has helped me so much. I don’t feel like such a horrible Christian. I am not sure where I go from here. I don’t know why it is so hard to get a handle on this and feel at peace. I’m tired of beating myself up for not being a good member. I feel I need to just focus entirely on the life of Christ. Begin there and build. Officially I align myself with the Richard Feynmans’ and Albert Einsteins’ of the world (not at that intellectual level though!). Religion is a fantasy, a fairy tale and I’m pretty educated on all the controversies of the Church which don’t make me feel good about the LDS religion. But given all these doubts and my scientifically oriented intellect I cannot deny nor would I want to, the experiences that defy logic, that are not emotions but true spiritual knowings that have come to me that I cannot articulate. I cannot explain but they are of divine origin – I wish I could explain how I know this. It seems that God has given me enough so that I cannot honestly turn my back on him. As to the Church I think that God gave a few instructions and then said go make the Church work. And some of the inequities and hard lines that are taken are manifestations of the humans that are running the show. Really good humans but imperfect and subject to the cultural realities they have evolved in. So still no peace for me, but you all help as do my stalwart friends I’ve made in the ward. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing your story, Antares. (Are you an astrologer or enjoy that as a hobby?) I think your story is fascinating, and although so many circumstances or details are so different from anything I’ve experienced (I have been a member my whole life), there are feelings that are similar…like how you feel some connection even if you don’t always enjoy the church experience itself.
It seems to me, that if you feel good about being associated with the church, and you feel better about yourself when you go, that means something and shouldn’t be ignored.
On the other hand, it doesn’t sound like you’ve come to a place where you are at peace with your situation.
Antares wrote:I’m tired of beating myself up for not being a good member.
That part, to me, stands out as a place you can work on because that is self-imposed. I think you need to allow yourself to be you, and not compare yourself to other mormon families in the ward, and find out the things internally that you must deal with so that you can find that peace. I have found buddhist teachings are helpful in that regard, and I bring those teachings back to my mormon experience and apply them, and it helps me see things in a new light.
There is good in the church. But we experience it individually, and need to find that place where we are at peace with our place in it. Ray is one on this site that often quotes the talk from Elder Wirthlin called, “Concern for the One” (“April 2008 Gen Conf”). You may want to read that, and look at what other things you can study that help see Mormonism in a different light, where many different instruments in the orchestra help it sound better, so the gospel can be a part of your life that brings the good feelings you cherish, but doesn’t have to bring the guilt or insecurities we often heap on ourselves unnecessarily. That is a personal journey.
Welcome. I look forward to learning from your posts.
Thanks for taking the time to respond Heber13. I appreciate what you had to say. Haven’t spent any time with Buddhism but wisdom is wisdom. You are right I can do something about my self imposed ridicule. And in fact this “either in the boat or out of the boat” ideology has not served me well and many solid members have tried to help me get past that. Such a contrast to my youth where every little infraction seemed to carry the weight of the world. I guess part of what I was trying to say is that even though the whole thing seems crazy to me on he surface, I truly believe there is something divine here. Like the BYU professor who, interviewed on Mormon stories, said something to the effect that – I don’t know about all the doctrinal stuff but I was convinced that this is where God attends Church. I think about the lesson the missionaries gave me regarding the organization of the Church when I was 11. I remember it vividly – the flannel board with all the little flannel figures. It sparked something in me. The missionaries refused to come back after 2 lessons since my parents would not take me to Church or be involved in any way. But I kept asking my Mom questions. My mom finally gave in and took me to an open house on a Friday night and I heard the Joseph Smith story and all that. And I went to Church for the first time the next week. My dad dropped me off in front of the Church and drove off. Standing there alone I hesitated for a long time before I went in. I didn’t know anyone nor did I know what to expect. Somehow I went in. And I never stopped going till my mid 20s. I really feel God pushed me through that door because I wasn’t bold enough nor did I have the courage to do that. As to astrology – well, not astrology – I consider that a religion on its own! But a love of Astronomy was what motivated me to go back to school and get a degree. Unfortunately my only hobby in the last 20 years has been trying to keep up with my 2 kids.
Thanks………… and take care.
Anteres, I only have a few minutes this afternoon, but I wanted to welcome you officially. All of us have somewhat similar but very different stories. It’s good to have you here.
Hi Antares, Welcome to the community. I loved reading through your story. Thank you for taking the time to type it up. It’s so interesting how different people go through life and experience the Church. I understand your frustrations, and I have also felt that same “irrational” draw to the Church (and religion in general). I just figure, instead of fighting what is natural to me, to go with it (in my own way).
Antares wrote:But given all these doubts and my scientifically oriented intellect I cannot deny nor would I want to, the experiences that defy logic, that are not emotions but true spiritual knowings that have come to me that I cannot articulate. I cannot explain but they are of divine origin – I wish I could explain how I know this.
Welcome,
Have you ever heard the quote, “We are not earthly beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having an earthly experience.”? I think this quote could be viewed from several different ways. For me, not all my conclusions are logical. Some of the things that are the most meaningful and inspiring in my life are based upon illogical principles. I recognize this and choose to believe anyway because of the value added in my life and in the lives of those I care about. But there is something even deeper than this “net gain” approach that is difficult to pin down.
Life is messy and unpredictable. For some logic is very useful to frame the world and make sense of it (Cadence). For others, Religion and spirituality provides those answers. For many of us, our lives would be incomplete without proper doses of both logic and spirituality (I know mine would).
It sounds like you have a good spouse by your side. Perhaps she is one that leans more heavily on science and logic to make her way in the world. I believe that, persons in following their individual courses through the logic/spirituality spectrum are to an extent following the course that is the best fit for them given their biological make-up and their life experiences to date. I also believe that God accepts his children in doing the best they can with what they have been given. In short, I hope that you are ever united by the love you share in common, rather than divided by the different approaches you may use to understand the world.
I hope you find your interactions here helpful to your journey and I look forward to reading future posts from you.
Anteres, The U2 Song, “With or without you” comes to mind… in how you may feel about the church.
I’d suggest introducing your family to the church by activities… & that might help you feel that sense of community – if that is what you miss.
Or… if it’s shame, like you’re not doing your part… maybe you just need to realize that spirituality is not found in a building… but in resonating & connecting.
So… find ways (nature, sports, volunteering in your community, whatever your passions are) to uplift you spiritually.
I also see religion similar to Aesop’s fables… probably not “scientifically” true, but having real & beautiful influence, through faith.
Just today, I read, “Functional illusions are priceless!”
We (including our atheist friends) are all illusional – selective perspectives… focusing on certain things, to the exclusion of other things – illusionally believing we see it all.
Some illusions… like addictions, fears, shame, anger… are dysfunctional & harmful.
Yet some illusions, like religion (if you use it as a spiritual tool & not the end in itself)… can be functional & make life feel more meaningful.
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