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My name is Steve, and this is my first time posting here. I’ve been posting snarky comments for years on other well-known bloggernacle stalwarts including Mormon Matters, FMH, By Common Consent, Times and Seasons, and others. I’ve also got a personal blog called High Priest in a Speedo that’s been dormant for over a year due to my hectic travel and work scehdule. I’ve lurked and posted a few times on New Order Mormon, but I don’t think that’s the right place for me (no offense if you’re reading this, Dathon! You and the others do a great job over there). I’m really grateful I’ve found staylds. I need to give John Dehlin mad props for his yeoman’s work over the last several years in making the LDS church more palatable to those who struggle with the history and/or the culture. Here’s my story: I’m a lifetime member of the LDS church. I’m a returned missionary who married the most incredible woman in the temple nearly 14 years ago. I’ve got three wonderful children, one of whom has special needs. Despite living in the “morridor” for nearly 30 years, I still consider myself a proud San Francisco liberal. I started struggling with church culture immediately after I moved to Utah and lived among the $50 millionaires on Sandy’s east bench. Things unraveled for me at 18 when I read “the Mormon Murders,” the biopic about the Mark Hoffman bombings that contained a lot of disturbing church history. I went and did some other research that debunked a few things, but largely confirmed the history that was presented. Like many others, I went through the five stages of grief, quit going to church for nearly two years, and even considering joining what was then the Reorganized LDS church at one point. Eventually I found myself without any friends, so I started attending the singles ward purely for social reasons. Eventually I regained a testimony after watching “Labor of Love.” At the time, I didn’t really understand how LDS videos tend toward emotional manipulation, but I felt the spirit. Even with my newfound testimony, however, I still initially decided to serve a mission in order to get more dates, because those girls at the singles ward didn’t want nothing to do with anyone who wasn’t a returned missionary. Eventually, I realized that if I was going to give two years of my life to something, it had really better be worth it, so I read “Jesus the Christ” and was amazed at Talmage’s explanation of the atonement. It really resonated with me.
I served a mostly committed mission over the two years. I was prone to fits of rebellion at times, although the worst thing I did was rent R rated movies from the video store. When I came home, I returned to school and met my wife within a year after coming home. I’d assumed that I was going to be one of those “menaces to society” that wouldn’t get married for 4 or 5 years. But when I met my wife, everything felt so right that I thought, “why wait?” We’ve had a mostly amazing run so far although we’ve had our share of challenges, mainly in caring for our son.
Throughout it all, I’ve struggled at times with various doctrines and cultural issues. As one might guess from the title of my blog, I don’t agree with traditional LDS standards of modesty, although I’ve limited my speedo-wearing to when I’m out of the country. Over the years, I’ve learned to segment various parts of the gospel into four categories. They are:
Primary doctrines: These include things all Christians have in common (the 10 commandments, the golden rule, etc). Nothing really controversial there.
Secondary doctrines: I would include the temple recommend questions here. In spite of everything, I still consider myself a TBM. I’ve never doubted the existence of God. I’ve also considered Jesus to be my personal savior and redeemer for a long time. I still believe Joseph Smith was a prophet, even with all of his flaws and in spite of the fact that he used a seerstone in his hat to translate things. I also believe the Book of Mormon to be inspired. I have my doubts as to whether its an accurate historical record or purely allegorical, but I believe it contains a lot of value even though I almost always skip over the Alma war chapters. I also believe the church is true. I don’t believe it’s the only church that’s completely true with all others being false, but that it contains a lot of truth and does a lot of good things. I also believe the word of wisdom and law of chastity to be good suggestions and good ways of living. I’m fairly certain that were it not for the word of wisdom, I’d be a raging alcoholic and drug addict. I have a compulsive personality and I get addicted to things really easily. Plus, several of my cousins have tried alcohol and it’s ruined their lives. I’m also glad I waited to get married first before having sex, although being a total loser in high school didn’t hurt in that regard. Where I struggle slightly is in sustaining the prophet and local leaders. I believe Thomas S. Monson is a prophet who is authorized to speak for God, but I don’t believe that he always does, nor do I believe that he has seen God face to face. I think my definition of the word “prophet” has evolved over the years. As for local leaders, I’ve had some good ones and some bad ones. I saw outright ecclesiastical abuse on my mission that disturbed me greatly. There was another time where a bishop in my singles ward gave out some pretty strong advice and claimed it was doctrine. I went home and prayed about it, and actually got a confirmation from the spirit that he was wrong. I didn’t tell anybody about it, but I felt fine disregarding his counsel. My current bishop is a nice guy. He was called to be bishop at 26, so he doesn’t have a lot of real-world practical experience, but he does a good job keeping the ward functioning. My stake president, on the other hand, is a crank. I’ve quit going to High Priest quorum and stake meetings because I can only roll my eyes so many times before they roll right out of my head. I’ve learned to take what he says with several spoonfuls of salt. I’ve also realized that while we have a “guarantee” that the prophet won’t lead the church astray (which I have my doubts about), we have no such promise regarding local leaders.
Tertiary doctrines: I would classify these as doctrines which have been repeated at general conference or appeared multiple times in the Ensign that make me nervous. Like many others, I think the church’s stance on Prop 8 was wrong. I think what will happen eventually is that the GLBT community will eventually gain their civil rights, and 15-20 years afterward the prophet will have a revelation allowing gays full fellowship including marriage. I’d also put the family proclamation in there also. There are several good points contained in there, but I drive my wife nuts sometimes because I refuse to “preside” over my family. I’m not even sure what that means, to be honest. All I know is I’m not a leader. I made peace with that a long time ago, and my wife does an excellent job leading our family. It bugs me to hear priesthood leaders and others saying I need to preside in my home.
Folk doctrines: These are the things I think are purely cultural and have no doctrinal basis whatsoever. I’ll concede that the bretheren are well-meaning and want to give counsel to make our lives easier, but some of the counsel they give becomes doctrine at the local level and it ranges from unhelpful to disturbing. Now that I’ve had the chance to attend church outside of Utah and even the United States on a few occasions, I’ve started doing a better job separating “Mormon” culture from “Utah” culture. Frankly, I can’t stand most of Utah culture. I don’t like potlucks with mystery meat and green jello with carrot shavings, I don’t play basketball, I HATE BYU and Utah athletics (go Aggies!), and I like to take my garments off to exercise, bathe, etc. I also don’t like the nosy, judgemental neighbors that come along with living so close to other members. I just about never wear white shirts to church, and I don’t know how suits, white shirts, and ties came to be the “uniform of the priesthood”. The fact that I have no tattoos or piercings has almost nothing to do with church teachings and everything to do with my fear of needles. To me, that was a purely cultural directive with no spiritual basis whatsoever. If President Hinckley really wanted to make a statement, he would’ve said no earrings at all, even the so-called conservative single piercings. I wonder what he’d think of the native polynesians with tribal tattoos or people in Africa who wear discs in their bottom lips.
Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough. It’s great to be here. I’ve finally made my peace with the issues that bother me and I feel that I can go forward for the most part doing the best that I can. I mainly want to contribute to the discussions, as I find a lot of them fascinating. But I’m sure there’ll be times where I’ll need help, also, and once again I’m grateful this forum exists.
Welcome, Steve! You are funny! My favorite “I can only roll my eyes so many times before they roll right out of my head” I burst out laughing. I look forward to your words of wisdom.
Welcome! I’ve been married 14 years and have 3 children. I have a disabled sister who we help my parents care for, too. But, I’m a woman and I’m a little younger than you. LOL At any rate, I can relate to some of your life experience.
Welcome. Glad to have you here. Great intro Steve. Welcome to the Forum. I like your groupings of doctrines. I think the primary doctrines are most important to have a good understanding of God and the meaning of life, focusing on the gospel truths Christ taught. The other levels vary in importance to different people, but I feel like you do that some are good ideas, but not really hard fast doctrinal eternal truths. If I can view the doctrines on different levels like you put them, it would make it easier to let go of any arguments about white shirts for priesthood holders, or things like that, and more easily focus on charity and important things like that.
I like your perspective. Thanks for sharing.
Welcome, Steve! Reading your intro, I found myself thinking “This guy is so cool cause he thinks just like me!” That’s bad for both of us at several levels… 😳 😈 Loved your post. Im looking forward to hear more from you.
Wow! what a great, detailed introduction Steve. I think you found the right place. I resonated with and enjoyed so many of your views. Glad to have you here with us.
Welcome! I’m very glad you found us! Hello, Wow a bishop at 26 that is really crazy! I can’t imagine a bishop that young.
I have never been to Utah but that doesn’t sound good what you described. I did come across a blog post not too long ago somehow on a google search and there was a picture and the person was talking about a store that was called sexy modest or something like that and then wrote only in Utah.
A few things you said have got my mind running wild. I am very curious but anyway I guess I might have an idea.
Thanks.
Quote:and I like to take my garments off to exercise, bathe, etc.
Ha! Who wears garments when they bathe? Even if you mean swimming… I’ve heard some crazy garment-wearing stories, but that made me smile. Welcome (newcomer myself).
I haven’t met anyone in person with this extreme a view, but I’ve heard stories of people many decades ago that would literally bathe one half their body at a time so as not to remove their garments completely. *shrug* To each their own. I’ve met a few people who claim to do what Brian is describing, but I’ve never seen them bathe so I have no idea if they’re telling the truth or trying to impress people. I do see people wearing their garments while working out at the gym every so often. They’re almost always older people, but I’ve heard of at least one young person who goes to what I would consider extremes to wear garments under spandex. 😮
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