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Well, I was born and raised in Utah. I was very churchy all my life. Seminary council, etc. I always wanted to serve a mission even though I was a …GIRL!!! That was the start of all my problems. My next problem came in that I believed the commandment “love one another” and so I got very confused when I found so much hatred of those who were different. I did serve my mission, even though my older brothers discouraged me and said I would not, because good Mormon girls get married instead. I loved my mission. I came home and started dating a young man. I also had this crazy notion to finish a bachelor degree. I have seen a lot of friends/family divorce, die, become disabled, etc, so I decided at a young age, I would make sure I had the ability to take care of myself/my family. Boyfriend #1 dumped me because of this goal. Said he wanted a wife who put family first, not career. Now I see it as his loss. At the time I was heartbroken. Was consoled by my dearest friend. We grew closer and closer and even discussed marriage. We were both graduating at the end of the year, and had great plans and dreams. I knew he loved me with all his heart. But something was not right. After lots of tears and soul searching, he finally came out to me. I know he loved me, and if he had any ability to physically love me, he would have married me. So all this “being gay is a choice” that I had heard all my life seemed insane. Never had I seen someone hurt as much as he did. Never had I been so heart broken. His family rejected him. His friends rejected him. People told me to marry him anyway. I even had members of the church tell me that I should have broken the law of chastity with him, because that would fix him and we could repent later. We both had had enough. After graduation we packed our bags and left Utah. He to Maryland (where he still lives with his partner of 4 years), I to NYC. I loved NYC, every single minute of it. Loved my little ward in Brooklyn, loved the life, loved it loved it.
I then had the audacity to fall in love again. This time a return missionary, active member of the church, phenomenal guy. One small problem in the eyes of many… My skin is white, his is not. I am an American citizen, he was here on a work permit. Oh, the horrible things that were told to us! God does not approve of interracial relationships, you will never get along, he is only marrying you to stay in the country. On his side people were no better. Americans are more likely to get divorced. She may only be after your money, and will force you to change all your traditions. My own grandmother (who I loved dearly and was very close to) said she would not come to the wedding. “What about the children? They will never fit in! Well, she died a week before the wedding, so the problem for her was solved.
Fast Forward to now. Been married 4 years, have a beautiful 2 year old that seems to fit in just fine. She is the light of my life.
Although, I have one more controversy to add. We are back in Utah, came for health concerns of my mom and a job opportunity . . . for ME. A lot of prayers etc went into this, and it was an offer we could not refuse. SO here I am, a working LDS mom in an interracial marriage. Come may, I will have my Masters degree. My husband works part time and is going to school, trying to get a better career (he was a teacher, no pay in that) because his family is all still in a third world country and are very poor. I am the breadwinner. I am very good at my job and love it. We bought a house near my parents, and my mom watches my daughter. And the majority of women in my ward think I am going to hell. I have never felt so alone. All the activities are geared toward stay at home moms. All the lessons are geared toward stay at home moms. Most enrichment activities are held during the day. Even the ladies I visit teach have nothing to say to me, they just talk to my partner. I have a few friends in the ward, mostly women who work and feel like I do. I like the bishop very much, and recently asked him to just put me in the nursery with my daughter, which he did.
Why do we do this to each other? Why does it matter if I work, or if my husband has brown skin, or if my daughter has white skin and jet black hair and eyes? Does it really make such a difference? Jesus said love everyone! Why do we judge those who are homosexual? Don’t we see the hell we put them through?
I loved the church all my life, and have had my share of spiritual insights. I do not want to leave the church, but I feel like there is no place in the church for me. Why can’t a working woman with an Asian husband, gay friends, and a Master’s Degree sit at the same table with the stay at home moms, without the looks of distain? One size does not fit all, and why is that a problem.
Sorry for the rant. As you can tell, I have been very hurt. I feel as though I have given my life to the church, and tried to live as Jesus did, loving the outcasts, the hurt, the burdened and depressed. So why now, when I am burdened and depressed, is the church turning its back on me?
Hi MSA01, Sorry to hear that you are going through grief. All I can say is that you are right, and the people not treating you well are wrong. Was it like that when you were in the ward in Brooklyn? I assume they would be a lot more tolerant and diverse in a NYC ward.
It sounds like your ward in Utah is pretty backwards, unfortunately. Like you, i’ve lived in many different areas and people just are not the same everywhere. It is sad but true
I hope you can be strong, confident and be a good example. Be better than them!!!! As you know, we are in a very conservative and slow-moving church. Things do change over time. They have changed a lot. It is hard for people like us that want things to move a lot faster (like they should).
Again, sorry to hear your grief. I would love to hear more about how you see things. Feel free to participate more in the discussion if you want.
I hurt when I read things like this. It simply ought not to be. I grew up in lily-white, conservative, central Utah, and I lived for a time in the Deep South, so I can relate to some of this. Fortunately, I also have lived in other areas where this would be seen in my wards the same way I see it. Our current ward is seeing an influx in African-American and Micronesian members. I was in another ward in our stake yesterday, and nobody that I could see batted an eye when a mixed-race couple walked in to sacrament meeting. They were greeted the same as any other visitors. We aren’t truly “diverse” yet, but I am seeing no resistance whatsoever to the change in these two wards I attend regularly – and that is very heartening for me.
I also hope you enjoy this site – that we can serve and help each other in some real and positive way.
Thanks everyone for the nice comments. I do hope to get something from here. I am certainly not wanting to be anti, and I have found some sites to be a little too angry, but I sure do have some issues. I really miss my Brooklyn ward, as they were very diverse. Oh, well. I am glad to find some kind words here. Welcome msa01. I am sorry you have received such a poor reception in your Utah ward. That sounds like the kind of ward I left in Utah 20 years ago. Every ward I have lived in since has had working mothers, evening enrichment meetings, and diverse cultures. One thing I would say, though it doesn’t seem right from a fellowshipping point of view, it does take about a year to 18 months to really feel comfortable in a new ward. At least it has for me, and we’ve moved a lot recently. I had a really bad attitude when I moved to one ward and immediately was put in the nursery. Being isolated in the nursery makes it more of a challenge to get to know people. First I got to know the parents of the little ones and the other teachers. Hang in there. It sounds like you have mastered a lot of challenges in your life already. We’ll listen, even if that’s all we can do.
Hi MSA01, Nice to have you here. I’m sorry your experience with your ward is unpleasant. I hate that. msa01 – it seems to be an unfortunate human failing that when there is a strong majority in a ward (a lack of diversity in thought, feeling, socio-economic background, etc.), they have a hard time accepting those outside the norm. The one thing I have the hardest time dealing with is provincialism. But I have also grown to understand that provincial minds are somewhat self-loathing. They resent, hate and fear the “different” because they are trapped in “sameness.” Smallness of experience creates smallness of mind. Deep down, people aren’t happy being provincial or judging others who are different. They just lack the social skills and the open-mindedness to do anything else until they learn how. The person with the most awareness in the situation has the most responsibility. And that’s never the person trapped in a provincial mindset.
Hi and welcome. Your message is very sad. I was the problem for much of my life, and the problem still resides in my soul. I am deeply sorry, and on behalf of all the other small-hearted people, I offer you my regrets and beg your forgiveness.
KM
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