Hi, how are you?

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

I would also caution against changing most behaviors. I for one attend church with the family every week, hold a calling, and wear my “G’s” day and night, but when I was invited to a night out with “the guys” and the invite said BYOB – DW thought I might come home drunk. When I looked at her askew and said, “Sweetie, I don’t drink.” Her response was, “Well everything else seems to be changing with your religious beliefs. How am I to know what is next to go?” The point being that your spouse may fear you going completely off the rails, and I would advise not adding fuel to the fire of these fears.

Roy

Wow. Thanks for that advice. I did have a sit-down with my wife and she was pretty bummed that I had kept my thoughts and the act of drinking coffee from her. She wanted me to stop, and I did. I was even planning on her wanting that. I’m sure that I’ve stated some of my feelings of dissatisfaction with the church, but she appreciated hearing it from me in more direct terms. Something that resonated with her is that I just don’t need or want people/institutions telling me what to do, think or believe. I’m tired of that.

What surprised me is that she doesn’t really have any concerns with how this is all going to affect our marriage. I’m still very much the same person she married and like you, I fully plan on maintaining the same lifestyle we’ve always had and even attending the temple. Although she read your post and said, “Yeah, I totally get where she’s coming from.” Much like I feel relieved to find this forum, I’m very relieved to be able to talk to her about it and it seems to be opening even more discussion about spiritual matters and the church, which is always good.

[Anonymous]

Welcome!

Your avatar reminds me of where I’ll be in the not too distant future! 😆

[Anonymous]

scooter wrote:

I don’t have one experience or a series of experiences that challenged my faith, but I feel like now that I have a little life experience under my belt, I’ve felt like the world isn’t so black and white, but all shades of gray. Since coming here, I feel like it’s not just shades of gray, but all the colors of the rainbow (to borrow John Dehlin’s analogy). So one could say that my faith is simply faltering or my faith is/always was weak or whatever it is that they say, but I think it’s mostly that I’m starting to put my family first now, and I’m letting go of the guilt that plagues me of not being able to do EVERYTHING that the Church expects us to do.

Awesome! :thumbup:

And welcome, Scotter!

I admire how you’re handling things.

Quote:

Part of the problem I’m having now, though, is how to detox, so to speak.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m realizing this detox is a life-time process… detoxing from any harmful beliefs, whether learned from church, family or other sources.

I considered church teachings as possibly related to cognitive distortions…

1. Filtering: filtering out positive aspects of a situation while magnifying negative…In church, I’ve gotten the message that I am not good enough, no matter how much I serve & give & that even if I do a lot & don’t pay tithing to the church but instead to the poor, I am unworthy.

2. Polarized thinking: black- or white (when often it is a mix) – BI-POLAR thinking: “The church is either true or not.” “You are either on the Lord’s side or you aren’t.”

3. Overgeneralization – something happens once, but general conclusions are based on that one happening – (Prejudice – racial & of “non members”)

4. Jumping to conclusions – concluding with out knowing or considering all of the facts -(spiritual feeling interpreted to mean church is completely true, when it may be just a particular personally inspiring aspect… I was taught that if something did not fit neatly into dictated beliefs (ie articles of faith or GA statements) then, it should be discounted automatically..Also, many members assume that people who go “inactive” have done something wrong or are somehow misguided for leaving the church & such people are thus shunned & treated badly.)

5. Catastrophizing – magnifying or minimizing, expecting disaster – “LAST DAYS!!!” Fear of God and Satan.

6. Personalization – taking things personally, comparing – Many take celebrities & political figures as if they represent them personally, because they are Mormon.

7. Control Fallacies – Viewing ourselves victim to external controls, or internalizing others pain (to feel control) – ie story of Joseph Smith being victimized, when he also hurt others.

8. Blaming – holding others responsible for our pain, or blaming ourselves for others pain – (I’ve never read that Jesus ex-communicated nor disfellowshipped even “the least of these.”)

9. Shoulds – making rules about everything – & inducing shame when rules aren’t kept (Too many “shoulds” to name. One incorrect shaming is about sex, so many Mormons even struggle sexually after marriage)

10. Emotional Reasoning – thinking feelings are facts (when they aren’t) – (I’ve been taught that Mormonism has a monopoly on the companionship of spirit.)

11. Fallacy of Change – Thinking we can change others & then we’ll be happy (both aren’t true) … (There is the teaching that “non-members” are lacking and must change to our ways, as if our way is the only way and that if we convince someone to go our way, we will be happy.)

12. Global Labeling – Generalizing – I was taught that anything outside the beliefs of the church is wrong, but everything said by church leaders is God’s word and should not be questioned.

13. Always being right – Continually on trial to prove our opinions & actions are correct – (This goes along with Personalization – where members perceive any praise or criticism of the church as praise or criticism of them, obvious on forums – not just between members and non-members but even within members.

14. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy – Belief that if you suffer enough, the pay-off will be worth it after-life. More energy & money is given to try to help those who have died, than those who are alive.

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

scooter wrote:

I feel like it’s not just shades of gray, but all the colors of the rainbow

Hence…my avatar. There may be one source of the light, but in this life, we may all be only able to see different shades of it…which doesn’t mean we see different things, just see things differently.

:thumbup:

[Anonymous]

Featherina wrote:

scooter wrote:

I considered church teachings as possibly related to cognitive distortions…

Wow, thanks Featherina. Those are some good and very interesting points. One thing that really gets my blood boiling (and I’m not quite sure if it fits in with one of the cognitive distortions you mentioned) is the way stories/examples of members or families is/can be taken completely out of context to show how righteous members should aspire to be. Conversely, members can really latch onto these stories and focus on the wrong things and ignore the big picture.

[Anonymous]

thanks for your great honesty Scooter in your first post in your introduction. it sounds like you are being the best you that you can be. the church is like a good parent but in the end it is the children who grow up and decide how they choose to live their lives, and i think that is what we are all about in this forum – being the best “You” that you can be, in spite of the cultural failings of the church.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for that, BLC. The concept of being the best “me” that I can be is really exciting for me. In a lot of ways, since the beginning of my mission, I’ve felt that there is a mold that the church wants me to fit into, and I’ve never felt like I can truly be myself. I just don’t understand myself in that mold and how I could provide anything of value to, well, anyone. I live in a very “eccentric” city and even in our ward there are a few “eccentric” people, which I think is good for me and my situation.

Building social/spiritual credit like it says in the “How to Stay” essay is more doable now. And I’ve always wanted to serve and be the type of person that is valuable in the ward, and I feel more equipped to do that now.

[Anonymous]

Hi Scooter, I’m new here myself and can relate to all the things you are going through, I like my iced coffee and don’t always pay my full tithe either (although I have it automatically taken from my bank account so that takes the sting out a bit). Like you, I see no reason to abandon the ‘faith of our fathers’ either and as long as there are like minded individuals out there you and I can talk things through with, the journey is hopefully easier. So welcome, I’m glad you’re here.

[Anonymous]

Welcome, yankeedownunder! Sounds like we have a lot in common. Looking forward to your intro post and talking with you on the forum!

[Anonymous]

Scooter, you might regret wanting to read my intro post. It is pretty long. That is probably why it isn’t up yet. Who ever is reviewing it is probably thinking ‘ geez, there goes my evening.’ anyway, kidding aside I hope you find it interesting.

[Author]

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