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I found this on another board. I really liked it, and already do severl of the suggestions. Maybe more people would “Stay LDS” is we had more Home Teachers that followed this. Quote:The point of Home Teaching is to be an extension of the Bishop’s calling to oversee the temporal needs of the congregation.
When people are going through a rough time, it is often embarrassing, and opening up is hard. They’re more apt to vent to their friends about it, but not to a person who is in their home on official business.
Once you show up in a white shirt and tie, and open and close with a prayer, you have initiated a formal church meeting. If people expect that they are in a formal setting, they switch to formal etiquette and behavior. Inhibitions are at maximum, and deep personal issues are kept tucked away, just like you would do in church.
First thing that has to happen – ditch the shirt and tie. Show up in your jeans and a normal shirt. The white shirt and tie set the stage for a formal meeting. Removing the costume removes the anticipation of formality and the perception of authority.
Second thing – don’t open and close with a prayer. If you are visiting your friends house to watch a football game, do you open and close with a prayer? No. Let’s say that you go over there and after hanging out for a bit, he starts to open up about some personal issues. Do you cut him off and start with a prayer? No. You’re trying to cultivate a friendship which will then blossom into trust. You can’t be friends if your time together is blocked off like a church meeting.
Third thing – don’t do the “we brought over a spiritual thought” thing. Leave the First Presidency Ensign article at home. Throw away the LDS.org printout. This kind of talk isn’t personal. It’s lesson-oriented, which puts a divide between you as teacher and student. It is one more barrier of authority. You just need to get together and just talk about life. Talk about work, talk about the stuff you like to do. And don’t do it as a “Building Relationships of TrustTM” thing to break the ice the first time you go over to visit.
Fourth clusterthought of miscellany – Don’t do this on the couch with all the children neatly seated in a row. This is another artificial authority construct. In fact, tell the kids to go away – this is a time when you are cultivating a relationship between grownups so that you can trust each other and speak freely. Daddy isn’t going to talk about how work is paying less and how he’s scared that he can’t afford Christmas in front of the kids. You need do set up the atmosphere to make it a friendly thing. THESE ARE YOUR NEIGHBORS, and you don’t need to create a perception of authority over them.
Your Toughts?I like and do the first two almost all the time. I often do the third one, but some people want a spiritual discussion, so I have one prepared regularly.
I believe there is room for the fourth one, but I also think there is room for talking with and getting to know the kids, as well. In some cases, that is even more important than anything to do with the parent(s).
The only thing with which I disagree is that this, asserted as THE correct way to Home Teach, is one program replacing another one – neither of which is tailored to the unique needs of individual families / members.
I like the idea and tone of these 4 points. Dont be formal – be and act like a genuine friend. Many orthodox Mormons expect the shirt, tie, Ensign article, prayers, etc. I would welcome a less formal experience but Ive been an active member my whole life and have never had a home teacher like this that I can remember. I think a good home teacher would do what the family needs, and some families might want the TBM home teacher.
I generally ask what they want. I have had some that say, “Help teach the kids” and I found out what the kids like (one liked a certain Disney character). So I went and watched the Disney animated movie with that character and looked for something good worth sharing. I make some cutouts and just talked with the kids. They really liked it. Nothing pushy, but just a good moral that was taught. I have told my HT to ditch the Ensign and keep it to about 15 minutes. That has worked best for me.
I like them, too, and my HT (on the rare occasion he comes – which is perfectly OK) does 1 and 2, and only “leaves us with a prayer” not both (he’s caught on that I’m not a prayer person). There is certainly value in the HT talking more privately with the adults because of what you mention, but I believe there is value in having the family there as well. Maybe the kids could come in later or leave early – but if HTers are the bishop’s representatives I think it’s important to know the bishop cares about kids, too. I’m out of state .. up with my parents at present as my father is in the process of dying. Mom mentioned that they recently changed their HT. The last one visited once a year, every year for the last 10 years. My mom rolls her eyes when she talks about him. This one had been their HT just a couple months. He has been diligent in his visits. My parents feel like he cares. In these few short months, he has managed to create so much good will. My parents see him as a resource. He is someone who they would call for help. He called last night to check on them and arranged to have the sacrament brought in today by the priests. Through little signs of care and concern, he has created a bond.
I don’t know their HT, but I do know that he is approaching HT-ing in a way that reflects well on him and on the church.
amateurparent, first off I’m sorry to hear about your father. Second, I’m going to have to issue a warning, extreme rant ahead. Nothing personal, I’m triggered and I’m wired from no sleep. Probably not the best time to go on a rant.
:silent: Many point toward shame as being at the center of addiction. I think shame is also at the center of lackluster home teaching. About once every three or four months we have a “home teaching shaming hour” in priesthood. Over the years I’ve heard many similar stories aimed at shaming the once a year guy into going out more often. Apparently the motivational speeches don’t work.
1a) The widow’s mite. Maybe once a year is all some people have in them. Maybe someone is holding down two jobs, has stressful family commitments, hasn’t been on vacation in years, and clings to every scrap of free time because those moments are few and far between.
Often there’s not much thought put into the home teaching program. There are 50 families to visit and 10 teaching pairs. Five families per teaching pair, right? Well some teaching pairs have two small coins between them and others are wealthy. We like to point out how everyone should be like the wealthy companions. Is there any way that human nature can allow us to look past comparing the wealthy with the person with two small coins? Even if the person with two small coins isn’t looked on as lesser the expectations that we’ve placed on them can cause feelings of being lesser to well up from within. Humans compare. It’s what we do.
1b) For the sake of balance – no excuses, sometimes we are lazy. There’s not much else to say other than that. I think many view the HT program as a way to coax people out of their natural tendency towards laziness.
2a) Everyone is different. I make connections with people based on arbitrary reasons that I often can’t explain. It doesn’t matter how many times you visit, if the connection isn’t there it’s not there. In fact if the connection isn’t there I’ll probably be annoyed by more frequent visits. Maybe that’s being an introvert but I really want to save my “the church experience is often torture for an introvert” rant for another day. Rest assured, HT sits at the top of that list.
Perhaps a lack of a connection is the very reason why someone only shows up once per year. Friends will come around but you can’t force a friendship. I’m not a fan for how our culture paints Bro. Slacker as a slothful servant simply because no connection resulted from an arbitrary friend assignment. It’s maddening.
To me that’s what the list of suggestions in the OP is getting at. The list gets at how the experience feels more like an assignment than a budding friendship.
2b) For the sake of balance – I believe that the way people create connections is through serving one another. It’s going to be much harder for a connection to be made with once per year visits.
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I feel for the once a year guy. I guess because in the past I’ve been that once per year guy. The shame and the guilt can be crushing. The sentiment might very well have been, “if you would have called me about anything I would have dropped everything” but the stewardship didn’t mesh with expectations.
Connections are so difficult to make.
Nibbler: Rant away. I get it.
My father would be hard to connect with. My mom is social. She has been SRP, WRP, on city counsel, she is easy. My father is a retired highly competitive man who was literally the best on the globe in his field. He got there through sheer ability. He has little (NO) social grace. He retired at 58 and never learned to leave the competitive attitude behind. If I had to HT him, I would visit once a year — if ever. I guess that is why I am so impressed with the current HT. I know this is a thankless job.
About the guilt. I found much the same with my VT experience. When I go every month, it is good. When I skip a couple months, especially with newly assigned sisters who I have no relationship with, it leads to shame and guilt. Those feelings make it all too easy to continue avoidance. Years ago, I used to see VT assignments with 4-5 names. Our last 2 wards never gave more than 3. That difference is numbers increases success. Presently, DH has 2 families to HT. He feels that is a duable number for two busy men to get to each month. They have arranged with both families for the 3rd Sunday of the month for pre-set times for visits. It helps everyone plan.
On an organizational level, if the HT and VT visits are being done, the entire ward runs better. Through those two programs, real physical, social, and emotional needs are being met. The way to make that happen isn’t through adding guilt. That just compounds the shame. As a young couple, we used to buy ice cream and tell our HTs it was there for them. We knew our HTers had no common ground with us so we lured them with ice cream and snacks.
In my own life, as it has become obvious to the ward leaders that I am not as enmeshed in the ward as I had been, the HT we’ve had for 6 years was reassigned. Our new HT is a friends’ husband who is also the HPGL. My VT was changed too .. She is wonderful .. But seems intimidated or afraid of me. As an extrovert, I’m used to being able to put people at ease, and she is NOT at ease. Hopefully, she will start to chill at some point. I’m still trying to figure out why she is shaking in her shoes.
AP -sorry about your father. HT and VT-ing can be so burdensome. And I’m still repenting for a guilt-inducing visiting teaching conference I was part of a few years ago. Annnnd, I see what a strain HT-Ing can put on my husband. Then I think about what it’s all meant to me over the years – having home and visiting teachers – and can’t figure out how to fix the problems without harming the good.
Exactly, Ann. What is a burden for some is a lifeline for others – and I say that as a poor Home Teacher.
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