HOW do I asked to be released?

[Anonymous]

:problem:

This will be tough.

A member of the bishopric asked if we could talk the other day…I didn’t get his message until late at night, so we haven’t talked yet…but I know it’s coming.

Like many of you, once I commit…I’m committed.

I just spend a few years (yes, years) in a calling and at the end was so incredibly exhausted that I almost cried with joy when I was finally released. I did the very best I could in that calling.

Now, here we are…and due to the dynamics of the calling, I am not the one for the position – it all boils down to the ward bully – and me as a target. It’s emotional, it’s personal, it’s not healthy…and everyone is afraid of the bully, so I’m left to “stage manage a grizzly bear”. :wtf:

The other day I realized that I AM learning a few things from this. I’m learning who to trust, where my “safety net” is, what my family really means to me, and most of all…I’m learning that my once-a week calling is NOT my religion. My 3 hours on Sunday is NOT my life…it’s something that I choose to do…time to give…but it’s not “me”. Does that make sense?

And so…now I wonder…do I keep trying at this calling and hope to learn how to manage a bully? You know, exercising faith and all that?

Or…do I simply break free from the anxiety-filled meetings and let someone else take over…maybe someone who has the training to handle those with attitude?

I mean…just HOW much would the Lord expect me to endure, ya know?

At what point is it simply toxic?

I need to know what my head and heart are telling me before I talk to the bishopric member.

My head says, “You can do this. You promised to do it. You might learn from it.”

My heart says, “Uh, no. No way. Who wants to be bullied? We left 5th grade a long time ago.” :think:

[Anonymous]

I don’t know enough of the details to give any concrete advice with any degree of certainty, but I do know being bullied regularly is not a good thing. If there is no way to stop the bullying other than changing the relationship parameters, and if the only way to do that is to separate from the situation causing the relationship . . .

Is the bully an adult – and will the bullying stop if you are released from the calling? That doesn’t affect the decision with regard to the calling, but it would factor in to any other advice I would give.

[Anonymous]

I’m nervous about sharing too much info here…can I send a private message instead?

[Anonymous]

I will say that the bullying won’t stop…but at least I won’t have to hear it in a public forum.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I’m nervous about sharing too much info here…can I send a private message instead?

Absolutely – and I understand completely.

[Anonymous]

First of all, you need to do some pondering and meditating and find out where your separation line is between your faith/religion and the church. From what you are saying it appears you might be a bit conflicted and confusing the two while at the same time realizing they are not the one in the same.

Secondly, and not knowing gritty details, I might actually mention to this bishopric member the concern about the bullying. He may or may not be aware, but he needs to be aware that it is really bothering you. To me this seems like the issue that is causing you the most stress. He could intervene, which may or may not stop the bullying (probably won’t), or for your own well being he may see the wisdom in moving you out of the position. Don’t count on him seeing that on his own or wanting to act on it, but do point that out as a real option.

[Anonymous]

I AM a bit conflicted about my faith/religion and the church meetings on Sunday.

I want to feel empowered to say, “No. Not at this time.”

But…I also want to have faith that the Lord will stretch us when we need to be stretched. I’ve seen myself grow in callings that stretched me in ways that I would not have allowed myself to do on my own…but my heart feels that I need to create healthy boundaries around me and my family, while still loving those outside those boundaries.

I just need to know that it’s okay to ask to be released.

I need to know that Heavenly Father won’t be disappointed in me.

I guess I need to know how to feel at peace with asking for a release, when we are taught so strongly that we “never ask for a release”

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I guess I need to know how to feel at peace with asking for a release, when we are taught so strongly that we “never ask for a release.”

There are members and leaders who believe and teach that, but there are just as many, if not more, who don’t believe or teach it. Thousands of active, “faithful” members have asked to be released from at least one calling in their lives. It’s important to understand and accept that, at the very least.

Also, one of our own Articles of Faith says we allow ALL (wo)men, everywhere, to worship according to the dictates of their own conscience. We just suck, collectively, at including ourselves in “all (wo)men”. Perhaps, you can take comfort in seeing this as following the teaching of a prophet?

[Anonymous]

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I actually just gave my “notice” about my own calling.

I feel, and it took me a while to feel this way;

*I have done the best I could. I have done my calling in a pleasing manner to Heavenly parents.

*I owe it to my husband and family to be kind at home, the calling was stressing me out so much I wasn’t so good at this, or wasn’t even home.

*I also wasn’t doing any favors to the current Bishopric with my anger and frustration showing at every word they spoke/speak. I realize they are trying their best but I am not ready to be pushed around or ready to conform for them. They weren’t able to “hear” me anyway, regardless of the tone of my voice. I live in a strange place.

I felt for awhile that I by standing up for myself and the organization that maybe things could change for the better. I gave it a good 8 months(withthe current leaders) and decided I am done. I like you, am committed when I commit. They are not in charge of my feelings or myself. The God I worship has my devotion, not them.

I gave a deadline in person. Nothing was mentioned again, so I emailed it. I didn’t explain myself, just said I needed to move on by such and such date. I sent it to both the BP and counselor. It would be hard for them to misunderstand.I hope this helps. I haven’t commented on here all that much, but have appreciated others experiences I thought I would share mine…that I am still in the middle of. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how to multi quote here…

The comment about “God has my devotion, not them.” … Excellent. I think that Heavenly Father knows my heart.

And…I DO need to be kinder at home…my poor kids! lol. I am too quick to snap at them when my mind is preoccupied with other frustrations. A release may alleviate some of that “noise”…I think I have too much noise in my life anyway.

And…I can still be a faithful member AND ask for a release…

And…this will be a BIG step for me if I ask for a release. I know it may seem small to some, but this will be my first step towards a small independence from the church organization being my “all”…my “religion”

[Anonymous]

QuestionAbound wrote:

And…I can still be a faithful member AND ask for a release…

And…this will be a BIG step for me if I ask for a release. I know it may seem small to some, but this will be my first step towards a small independence from the church organization being my “all”…my “religion”

Yes, you can still be a faithful member and ask for as release. It’s not possible for the bishopric to know what’s happening in each of our lives, and sometimes people assume they know things about us that they don’t know. The way they usually know is by you telling them yourself, don’t rely on HT or VT or someone else you talked to to relay the information. Many years ago when I first asked to be released from a calling I struggled as you did. I was very surprised at what the bishop didn’t know.

Let me frame this next part in the context of my belief that God is not involved in our daily lives and frankly couldn’t care less about who serves in what calling and what they do or don’t do (and I’ve actually heard this from a bishop and SP before): I understand it is stressful and while my views have since changed, at that time I had feelings like those you describe. The roof will not cave in, you will not be struck by lightning, and if you believe God is displeased with your action you always have the opportunity to repent – it seems to be a pretty minor sin since it’s not mentioned anywhere in the scriptures.

It is a big step, and I understand your fear and apprehension. The fear is of men because of the teachings of men. The church organization or institution or whatever term can be used to describe it is not your religion, I think you’re seeing that, and I think you’re right – this experience will help you make the separation.

[Anonymous]

I also believe that God can stretch us and make us equal to a challenge. But i also believe the multiple verses in the D&C that admonish us to “not run faster than we are able”

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

Quote:

I guess I need to know how to feel at peace with asking for a release, when we are taught so strongly that we “never ask for a release.”

There are members and leaders who believe and teach that, but there are just as many, if not more, who don’t believe or teach it. Thousands of active, “faithful” members have asked to be released from at least one calling in their lives. It’s important to understand and accept that, at the very least.

Also, one of our own Articles of Faith says we allow ALL (wo)men, everywhere, to worship according to the dictates of their own conscience. We just suck, collectively, at including ourselves in “all (wo)men”. Perhaps, you can take comfort in seeing this as following the teaching of a prophet?

Remember, you can stretch in all kinds of situations. I think the best thing for you now is to go into the Bishopric and indicate what you will and will not do. Let your heart guide you.

In a way, I feel a bit like Martin Luther when he decided that a person’s relationship is directly with God, and that the church shouldn’t stand in the way of that relationship. When I made that determination, church took on a much different perspective. What mattered was my heart and my personal inspiration. I no longer felt guilted into doing so much for the church that didn’t match my strengths, and my passions. And there is this feeling of complete liberation knowing that your own opinion does matter, and your own inspiration is your own guiding light.

Also, be on the lookout for those times you take advice you hear from church leaders or lessons, and try to apply it or pray about it. Do you feel hollow, do you feel dark inside? Do you feel like you are ‘sucking air’? I have had those feelings many times, and they are an indication that the thing I learned at church is wrong or ineffective.

[Anonymous]

Some time ago, I asked to be released as secretary for the HP after some 18 months doing it. It was mostly clerical stuff like imputing stuff into the Church’s data base, switching HT assignments, printing off reports, etc. Sounds simple really, but it turn out that way.

The calling was filled with a continuing flow of frustration. Logistics are awkward because the Church understandably doesn’t allow access to that information on non-Church computers. So it could only be done on the Church computer in the clerk’s office usually on a weeknight, when no one else was using that computer. One time they changed the locks on the Church and I wasn’t told about it. Several times the Church’s computer was down for maintenance. Frequently the reports wouldn’t generate as needed, and further grief getting them to print. And that is before any made my fat fingered mistakes which I rarely found until I got home. So it was another hour to go back to the Church, get in the office, get logged in and make the corrections. All that for 5 minutes of work.

That continued for over 18 months, but it just wasn’t working. The frustration was ongoing because I couldn’t give my HPGL a quality service he deserved, and that I expected of myself. He is a good guy and always supportive, but I came to the realization that the job just wasn’t going to get any easier. My brain was not wired to deal with the random, non-sequential requirements of the job, so I told him I needed a release, he tried talking me out of it. I apologized for asking for a release but explained that I just couldn’t continue. It wasn’t that I was asking for a release, because I wasn’t. I thanked him for his support and said I’m open to other callings, but just not as secretary.

If I were to do it again, I would do what others have suggested here, and offer him a 2 week notice.

[Anonymous]

Dash — did you quit on the spot? How was this situation resolved?

[Author]

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