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As some of you may know I’ve struggled somewhat with trying to keep a testimony. I really stopped caring about the Gospel a few years ago. However, the strangest thing just happened to me this past week! Some of my family, me, my eldest brother and my parents went on a vacation to Southern California for the week. [It was Spring break] We had such a blast!!!! Us four are really close with each other. One of my sisters isn’t very active in the church and doesn’t really hang around us very much. I have another brother who lives in another state, but he’s sort of on thin ice with my parents. He tends to lie a lot, and has really hurt my parents, especially my mother! Emotionally, of course! Then there’s my oldest sister, she has a family of 3 kids and a husband and they’re doing great. Sometimes we do things with them, and they’re active in the church. However, church activity is moot here. Anyways, to go on with this vacation we had; we went to the usual spot we go to. And the time I spent with this part of my family was so happy and fun. When I got back down to Tucson which is where I go to school I am feeling so so lonely. I do however go home over the summer and take online classes back at home. I mean I still do live there. I’m realizing just how important families are, and I really want to be with them forever!
I understand however it’s going to require me making some changes though.
For example: I sort of struggle, okay I really struggle with Pornography. It’s just quite addicting. That’s really the worst part. I drink lots of caffeine but I imagine that’s not really much of a deal breaker (lol). I am currently not a Temple recommend holder. In fact, I’m not even endowed. Should I consider doing that soon? I just don’t feel quite ready yet. I mean I’m 23 turning 24 later this year. And one of my really bad habits is church attendance, or in this instance my lack of. I’m able to go to sacrament meeting, but then I really can’t last a full 3 hours. But I know it’s important though, so I need to figure out how to do that. The last 2 weeks I have attended my family ward and the ward we visited while we were on vacation last weekend for an entire 3 hours!
Basically to summarize: I just want to change, for the better. I really do feel something with this church. Like whenever I read (listen mostly) my scriptures I get such a good warm feeling inside of me.
Sorry for the long post, I just thought I’d try to be as through as possible.
I’m glad you had a nice time with your family. In the rare instance the Primary answers apply. I suppose faith is somewhat like math, and the only way to get better is to do it. I guess my question for you is what kind of faith are you looking for? My recommendation only applies to faith in Jesus Christ (because I don’t think any other faith matters). As to the temple, don’t go until you’re ready. Age does not indicate readiness.
Anytime you return to normal life after a spiritual and/or emotional high, there is a letdown. It is a physiological reaction that is strong for almost everyone. Especially if you have an addictive personality, be careful about your chemical craving for validation leading you back into the situation that caused so much difficulty in the first place. I think you need to establish who you are as you, independent of your proximity to family. Moving across the country was perfect for my wife, because it allowed her to find herself. Don’t shortcircuit your own journey. You always can get the emotional high you just felt by doing that sort of thing again. Just be aware of your tendency toward addiction, and don’t let yourself “get addicted” to your family and end up losing yourself in the process.
My only thought is to work on loving yourself. Sounds cliché, but I really believe that multiple issues are diminished by just self acceptance/self love.
If this is an issue for you, dont’ let your shortcomings interfere with your spiritual experiences. I have many shortcomings yet I feel the Spirit at church. I even felt it in a meeting yesterday on how to help people feel the joy of giving (it was a fundraising seminar for non-profits). Someone read a testimonial from a recipient of a grant, and it created a wave of spiritual emotion about the importance of giving to help those who can’t help themselves. In spite of my many shortcomings.
You’re OK, in spite of your shortcomings. Keep praying, and be open to goodness….spiritual feelings will come.
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