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I should say i appreciate all the ideas and thoughts everyone had. After struggling on my own for several years now…i definitely didnt feel a guilt trip would produce any results that alot of others at church were hoping for…or would be good for my friend. As i drove home tonite, i almost felt a twinge of guilt myself for not even trying to say “what i know to be true”. But what does that really do for another person? How many countless times have i sat thru a fast and testimony meeting listening to someone say that and it went in one ear and out the other? It never once sparked in me a determination to do more family history work, a desire to go to the temple more, make me pay my “10%” willingly, or start reading my scriptures every nite like im supposed to. This evidently isnt the path for her. At the very least we can be friends and i can be someone in their lives that will be there for them without any judgement. Church right now is working for me, but like others on here have said, i’m learning to take away from it the parts that work. Im sure when it comes around for me to renew my TR that it wont happen. I have accepted it. Strangly enough i dont really have the desire to go like i used to. I have worried maybe that is the step that takes me away from the church completely. But for right now im enjoying my calling and being around others at church.
You did the right thing. Just keep loving her. The same way I approach any friend. Equal treatment is key. People notice(especially friends) when you are acting different or not yourself and they will rightfully call a person on it. That said, I know quite a few members who left, most left out of reasons other then history or new nothing of history before they left. The church has a very narrow environment and culture and attitude to which it is friendly. When it is friendly it is wonderful for those who fit naturally. When a person isn’t a natural fit it can and often does become destructive and those that I know that left for that reason. That being the case, not much has changed for them to come back. They can not be themselves without experiencing pain and agony in today’s environment yet.
They can not think out load or express different view or have open and Horst conversation about such as they do in all their other parts of life so they leave it behind. To many complications to add to a already complex life they have. They don’t want or need more in their life. I wish I could join them together in the church in having open conversation and exploring different ideas without dogma or people hovering over you. But I know that is not the case as much as I wish it to be. GC and May church talks bring them to tears or anger and that hasn’t changed. So I let them be and just be their friend with the hope that one day the topics and talks and culture will be less divisive or emotionally controlling. Maybe one day it will be the church they need, if and when it is, I will celebrate and share with them the joyous news. But today is not that day.
Friends always, no matter where the tide goes. There is still much we learn from each other and can do together that can shake the world in a positive way and bring happiness and joy and understanding to people everywhere. and that is what true religion is all about. I give that credit to god… The other stuff to man.
How do you approach someone that has left the church? With love, acceptance and compassion. Tim wrote:How do you approach someone that has left the church? With love, acceptance and compassion.
Exactly and make no assumptions about why they left.
As someone said above, sincerity is key. People can tell insincerity much of the time.
**2nd update**…my talk with the Bishop….Strike the name! So the Bishop was really interested in what was going on (too scared to ask her himself he told me). I relayed that she wanted distance and didnt want to be with the church, so on. His response?
Well then she can just be removed from the rolls then!He wants me to ask her about that. How do i bring that up to her? I understand his stance to a point…about keeping names on a roll when someone doesnt want any contact with the church. But really? He doesnt even want to try to see what he can do to keep her there. Doesnt even want to know why. And he wants to get working on this right away. It really disheartened me. When i told him i planned to continue my friendship with her and her family and not bring up church he just ignored it. This has
reallyhelped with my view of the church, church practices, so forth. (thats sarcasm). I would absolutely refuse. Your bishop is a coward and needs to do his own dirty work, and I would bring this to the attention of the SP. Many years ago I was serving in a bishopric and our SP decided he wanted to “purge” (his word) the stake of those who had been inactive over the long term and/or were living sinful lives. He announced this in a stake priesthood meeting. He ran his idea by our Regional Representative and quickly got a call from a GA who told him not to do that, that people are generally better off in the church than out of the church, even if they’re not living the gospel. This was the topic of the SP’s next stake conference address.
In this case, I have no problem with that idea – but it flat-out isn’t your responsibility. I would say I just am not comfortable asking her that. wornoutsneakers wrote:I know this is short notice, but i’m looking for ideas on how to approach someone.
A sister at church that i have befriended has drastically changed in the past few months. She joined the church last year but do to her work schedule could hardly come to church with her child. In the meantime some well meaning parents and friends at church provided rides for her child to sacrament meetings and weekday meetings. I had befriended her before she joined the church and because of that I was assigned to be her visiting teacher. Everything seemed fine until a few months ago. Then she changed her number and didnt tell anyone. A month later she changed it again. Then one day she was home when someone came to pick up her child for a meeting and she ran out and told them that she wouldnt let him/her go anymore. After repeatedly stopping by her house, texting, and calling her, i finally got her to respond. She told me she would only let me talk to her…no one else from the church. I’m seeing her tomorrow. When i relayed this to some TBM friends they encouraged me to firmly testify of my beliefs and what i know to be true, so on and so forth. They also want me to remind her of the covenants her and her child took. I dont believe i should go that route. Obviously she has changed her mind about the church. If she doesnt want to come to church anymore, or have anything to do with anyone else at church period, how should i respond to that? Should i not talk at all about church with her? Should i share with her the struggles i have had? If i do that do you think that would reinforce any negative opinions she has?
I have shared in some past posts some of the struggles i have with our church. One being that i dont believe that everyone should be required to pay tithing. I havent paid tithing since last year. I realize this may prevent me from attending the Temple. I have a Temple Recommend but havent went since i was last paying tithing. It has become really awkward because friends know that i dont have reliable transportation to go to the temple (its quite a drive for us). So they have been trying for the past month and a half to take me there. But luckily either work or dr appointments have been in the way. I make like .50 more than the mininum wage so its really hard for me to pay too….no one here supports me but me. My opinion on tithing has drastically changed in the past 6 mths or so. It may also be due to the fact that the Bishop has really been emphasizing that people need to be more “self reliant” and “sufficient”. How can you complain people are not temporally self reliant enough when they are giving you 10% of their earnings? If i were to do that i would need the church to pay my electric bill every month or my water bill.
I have also struggled due to being one of the very few single adults in my ward…she is single too. I have often been tempted to go to another church just to see if there is a way to meet more single adults my age. Most of the singles in my ward are widows. I bring this up because i think she is hinting to me that she wants to start doing some activities that many other members in our church wouldnt do because alcohol is involved. I havent drank alcohol in almost 7 years now…and if im put in an environment where there is alcohol i might be tempted to drink again (it was never a problem for me i just know the WOW says we shouldnt). If i complain about some of these things with her im afraid i will be seen as encouraging her to leave the church.
Any thoughts?
Too little too late I suppose, but I think the best way to deal with a person that has left the church is to leave the church out of it! They left for reason, don’t mention it treat them normally – like the same we a stalwart member would treat someone in the church they really respect. I guess the church to a past member is like the 500lb gorilla in the room – you don’t need to point it out – everyone already knows it’s there. Trying to change someone back to an ideal is fine, to a point, but I think we are encouraged to do too much of that in the church. More often than not, a person’s spirit needs to feel like they are accepted, loved, and good enough more than they need to be coerced, pleaded with, and guilt-tripped back into performing a series of actions they don’t really believe anyways.
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