- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Mike suggested this thread, so I thought I would post it here: Quote:
Another topic that I want to explore sometime is: How do you handle anger?I handle anger by first giving myself time, whenever possible, to let the anger subside. It’s only when that anger is over with that I can think clearly about what to do about the situation that made me angry. After the anger subsides, I normally assess my objectives in the situation, as well as the possible alternatives, and their implications. After a long time, it seems, I then act.
One thing I have learned NOT to do, is to simply tell the person who made me angry that they made me angry. Perhaps In my family, but definitely not to third parties in my work and service contexts. I find this accomplishes nothing other than hurting the relationship. It’s only when there is an issue to be resolved, or something I need from the person that I will address the emotional side — but only if necessary. But even when I do, I never say “angry” — I may refer to feeling “disturbed” or “puzzled”, but never use angry. Do that and you lose the battle.
I have to resist feelings of retaliation. I do this by reminding myself of a boss I once had who was vindictive. If someone did something she didn’t like, she would punish them in some way by withholding a privilege, giving a bad review, ignoring them, or something — I have the ability to be vindictive, but I do reflect on this vindictive manager and remind myself I never want to be like her. And that seems to be motivation enough to prevent my anger from turning into aggression.
At times, I have written in my journal, a letter to the person that provides the unvarnished truth, and yes, I lets my anger show. I never send it. Sometimes I delete it. If I read it years later, it’s sometimes actually kind of funny.
Removing reminders of the anger trigger, provided this removal is not costly or destructive, has always been a good strategy for preventing anger from rekindling.
Last, I reflect on the demeanor of people I have met who have high levels of emotional intelligence. They never seem to get ruffled even when life is crashing down around them. They also don’t blame themselves for the event that triggered the anger. When I remind myself of how people I ADMIRE react, this seems to help me get over the anger and act in a reasonable manner.
With a baseball bat and a tree. The tree won. I broke the bat. I don’t usually react and I feel it is a positive character trait to be able to control your temper. At work as a manager that is seen as something very positive and has served me well. With my kids I have not lost my temper in probably 10 years. That is their mom’s job.
Just re-reading the above and it sounds like I am perfect at this – which is not true. Some of it I feel is just with age and figuring out a lot of things are not worth getting upset over – or maybe a side issue of being mildly depressed and feeling like, “who cares?” (I am not in THAT dark of space that anybody needs to worry, but maybe contributing).
As a teenager, I was more like Mom’s post. I would go in the back yard and throw stuff at the fence in a wild tantrum. I scared my mom with the amount of physicality I had with my temper. Never focused at people, but she worried.
I remove myself from the situation. If I am alone, I can give myself time to calm down without escalating it. I do tend to escalate it in my mind for a minute to a few minutes, but eventually, I often see how ridiculous it might be to be that angry, and I calm down and can go face the issue. Being alone can be as simple as locking myself in the bathroom for a bit. If that’s not an option, I try to distract myself with other things. Ooh, I may not be so well-versed with anger techniques as others have replied with. 😳 
Out of the range of human emotions, anger is one that I tend towards the most. It’s almost always coupled with some form of arrogance (also, for MBTI geeks, I’m an INTJ and I’ve found that anger and arrogance are qualities that are almost inherent in us so…). Depending on the situation, I can pass through it in a certain amount of time. For things that seemingly come out of the blue, I need ample space and time to vent. It may not be right away, but it needs to be soon. I need someone to talk to, almost incessantly, to the point where I start to repeat myself. Then I start getting tired. Through my many bouts of anger, I’ve learned that anger is extremely exhausting and I can’t sustain it for too long anymore anyway. Once I start getting tired, I can move on to distractions. When I’m distracted, my brain (or HG or Spirit or whatever is doing the work, I don’t know) goes to work linking things without my conscious attention. Then, some time later, just as out of the blue as the initial situation may have come, I get a small nugget of an idea on how to address the issue. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I’m super great the next time a similar situation comes around.
😆 Plus, it’s taken me about 8 years since my angsty, angry teenage years to get this far, so I also think that some it will just work itself out as I keep living. At least I hope so.😯 For me, Anger is an interesting emotion. In most circumstances, I am slow to anger. The reality is, I’ve been seriously angry only a few times. The last (serious) time was the start of my FC. It took a lot of time & work to get through. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I have a daughter from my previous marriage. She was sexually abused at 13. I then got custody & she came to live with us. I would go to church & tried to find spiritual answers & the answers wouldn’t come. I prayed, talked to Bishops, talked to my wife, talked to professionals. Nothing seems to work & life got blacker. It got to a point where I wanted revenge. My brother was a policeman at the time & I said, if the person who did this act ever died under suspicious circumstances, you might as well come to me. At the time, I think I could of killed & not felt any guilt. When anger gets to this level, it becomes dangerous. It can take years to work through. At this level, it’s not the same as loosing your temper. I considered the situation as
Quote:righteous indignation
At this level, there is nothing righteous about it. I felt completely justified in my anger. As a result, I became very self destructive. This site helped me to work through this phase of my life. I have a good HT that helped us too.
SilentDawning wrote:How do you handle anger?
Not very well. But then again, I am a Celt, we’re still P.O.’d about things that happened centuries ago.
Are Celts Irish? I’m primarily Irish. When we get angry, we go to war. My Father rarely got angry. When he did, you could see it in his eyes.
It gave you a couple of seconds head start before things hit the fan.
Mike wrote:Are Celts Irish? I’m primarily Irish.
Some are, but some aren’t…
This is from the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/22/anger-children-what-calms-them-down_n_7111320.html This is how to handle anger from the perspective of children. It can apply to adults too.
(I’m sorry about the commercial.)
I have a series of filters that kick in reminding me of the consequences of saying the things that come to mind – and doing a cost/benefit impromptu analysis. If I can get out of the situation that made me angry, then I try to regroup. Most of the time, I will come to the conclusion that my anger is either a) frustration with the circumstance/people – ergo, can I change the circumstance? b) anxiety/fear for how the future is going to play out – so how do I chance the situation for the best benefit for all? [All this is a fancy way of saying that some of it gets shoved in the back of the sock drawer with the moldy towels…]
At random intervals I will have a complete cry-out where I bawl my eyes out and give a plausible impression of the flood from Noah’s ark. I feel much better for the experience, but hate that I had to go through it – especially if others are present and saw it. In the last 20 years, I have gotten to the point where I don’t feel shameful for the loss of control that the cry-out caused. But most non-Aspie’s tell me that it didn’t take them 20 years to figure that out.
:crazy: My 7.5 year old daughter is refining her art of pushing my buttons. I bite my tongue a lot, raise my voice more than I should, and probably give in to her more than I should. I have walked away from her meltdowns at least once because I could tell I was going to lose my temper with her and wander into the realm of disciplining without teaching.
I take a visibly deep, slow, controlled breath, so the other person knows I am not happy with the statement, action, or situation, then I take another one if it is particularly bad, then I ask the other person to give me a minute to think, then I speak slowly and softly, in precise terms. My wife and kids understand that I am upset and trying not to react too quickly, in the heat of the moment – and the visual cues give them time to relax or focus, as well. If I respond, and if the other person doesn’t respond in kind (if they continue), I establish a time to talk about it again and walk away.
It takes a lot to make me raise my voice, but I have done it a few times – mostly to stop something that I feel is dangerous or to break through the situation and get the other person’s attention. I truly have lost my temper rarely – and our youngest child has been the recipient of that more than the others combined. She simply pushes my buttons, in the same way our oldest pushed my wife’s.
I go and play a few rounds of a fighting game, usually Super Smash Bros. If that isn’t possible, let’s just hope I don’t explode. A lot of the times I get angry is random irritability. The most important thing for me is to remove myself from others until it subsides. Most of the time, I’m pretty calm, though I have exploded at people when teased too far… or repeatedly pressed for details that I just don’t care to give.
I give myself permission to feel it, analyze, and try to understand it. Then I empathize with myself, and try to reach out and empathize with others. I don’t believe there are more than a handful of “evil” people out there; just the sad, the hurt, the confused, and the manipulated. Once I recognize what I was upset about, that it was either because of “bad luck”, or someone else’s shortcommings (which I have too), it’s easier to let it all go.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.