How do you live alone?

[Anonymous]

I wish we had more of our LGBT brothers and sisters on this board. I have a general question,…and it probably has VAST perspective from those here, married and single alike.

The question is this: How do you live alone? (and this has to do with coping with loneliness, and other emotions that come with being alone)….

[Anonymous]

I no longer live alone, but I was single until I was 28. At that age, the ache of loneliness was very strong. You come home alone, and all your friends have spouses and even children that limit the time they want to spend with you. The younger, single people were no longer of the same maturity as I was, so I didn’t fit in any more.

It was a really bad ache in my heart. I would call my family and other people, but it was hollow. Eventually I got married and it stopped the ache (although other aches started ). But I was no longer lonely. My wife told me when she first came home with me that she could tell I was lonely by the way I showed her my home on our second date.

I still get lonely even though I have children and a spouse at home. I asked whether others feel lonely even though they have others in their lives at home, and I was surprised at the number of people who indicated they did have that kind of loneliness.

I cope by having two very good friends — my father, and an ex-Bishop in Canada who I call when I’m lonely. They never call me to see how I’m doing — I always call them, and they often ask “So, have you told me everything you wanted to say?”. They are there for me, and not the other way around. They never call me, but are interested in my life and want to get together face to face. I am thankful I have them. My father had an accident lately and seems to have lost some of his cognitive function, so I have felt lonelier lately until he recovers. It’s time for him to rest now…

The other way I combat loneliness is through high-engagement activities. I notice that when I am writing music, forming musical groups, starting new projects, expanding my leadership and management abilities, and doing research, I have little or no need for other people. But then, when I pass a milestone or finish a taxing period in my life, and have to rest, I get lonely and have to call someone.

And of course, I post here a lot. Private messages help me connect with people on issues that are important to myself and them, and they quell the loneliness. I am very thankful for online interaction as it helps take the edge off the loneliness ache.

Those are my coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

I’m a 27 year old, single, female in Utah…however, I do not live alone. But I will be shortly and I am ridiculously excited for it. It’s interesting for me because my roommate and I have known each other for about 7 years and for a long time I considered her one of my best friends. But, as does happen, we have become different people and now living together after only a year and some change is a roller coaster ride, and often not the fun kind. So even though I don’t live alone, sometimes I feel very lonely in my living situation. I try to do a number of things when I feel the loneliness train comes in.

First, I try to understand if I’m either drained from life or I’m actually feeling lonely. If it’s the former, then I need to spend some true alone time because I’ve been drained from school, work, being an adult, not doing the things I want enough, etc. In these instances, I know I need time away from others to let myself know that I’m here for me and that I can take care of myself. Otherwise it becomes loneliness.

Loneliness, for me – and this is unique to me because I’m an introvert and being around certain kinds of people is just too much even when I’m on my game, creeps in when I’ve spent too much time around people who don’t lift me up. I’ve come to recognize that there are various ways that I get energized and that different friends of mine are great at providing certain outlets and others have different strengths. For instance, there’s one friend who I can talk healthcare and philosophy and psychology with because she’s as geeky in those arenas as I am. I have another friend who we gab on and on about race and gender issues. Another friend I blow off steam with by talking about our love of various TV shows and how our lives are exactly like theirs. Some of my friends and I have more things in common and therefore more to talk about. Some I only approach with a few things. But either way, I know I have friends for most of the important issues/beliefs/values that I have. It’s important that I remember to foster those friendships and contribute to them because I am definitely guilty of feeling lonely and deprived of friends when I haven’t been putting in much effort. When that happens, I usually spiral into the Woe Is Me camp, which is great for loneliness, but not actually great for functioning.

As I’m preparing to live alone, truly alone, for the first time in my life, separating being alone and being lonely is more and more at the front of my mind. I don’t have a formula or any fool proof strategy, but what I’m learning and trying to do differently is currently helping me to foster deeper relationships that I already have and letting me build new ones as well. At the center of this, for me, is self-care and self-love, knowing that my living situation is not a reflection of who I am as a person.

[Anonymous]

Nice DancingCarrot. As an introvert, I can relate.

[Anonymous]

It has been a long time since I lived alone – 25 years. Frankly I miss it in some ways. I married (as you might guess 25 years ago) when I was 30. I was in the army when I joined the church and did live alone for some of that time after joining the church. I really liked it then. I served a mission at 23, and struggled with the constant companion thing. I had some pretty cool companions who also liked some privacy/alone time and I had some who the only way to get away was to go to the bathroom (I took some long bathroom breaks in those days). Post mission I lived with my grandmother for some time (she needed care) until she passed. I was also a working college student, living in a ward I didn’t particularly care for. Being busy probably warded off any loneliness I may have experienced, but I’m also an introvert. One of my concerns with marriage was that I would lose some of my cherished alone time (I actually feared I’d lose all of it). Of course I did lose a lot, but that has gotten better as time has passed, kids have grown, wife returned to work, etc. I’m looking forward to baseball practice starting Monday because it will give me a couple hours of time per day.

Have I ever felt lonely? Yes. I do often have the TV or radio on when I’m alone for noise. If I really am feeling lonely now (a rarity), I reach out to someone, usually by text but I will call. I have a couple friends who reach out to me in their lonely times (usually evenings) and I don’t mind talking to them to ease their loneliness. I do watch TV and I obviously spend a fair amount of time online. I skip most ward activities, more because of being an introvert and a homebody, but sometimes I do look forward to some social interaction at church or church activities.

My mother-in-law gets lonely. She’s 80-something and essentially home bound but mobile enough to go outside. She watches TV (always on), spends lots of time on Facebook, and calls her children frequently. She has a couple neighbors she interacts with regularly as well. Of course she has no job to occupy her time, which gives her more time to be lonely. I envy the alone time she has, she finds it mostly boring and lonely.

I think loneliness, like many other things, depends on the individual. Under the same circumstances one person can be lonely while another is perfectly content. I might also point out that I don’t think being alone and loneliness are the same thing. I think loneliness is more of an emotion/feeling and some just cope with it better than others. Some can be lonely while surrounded by people, others can live in a secluded cabin in the words with no neighbors in sight or hearing and be just fine (the latter is a fantasy of mine).

[Anonymous]

DancingCarrot wrote:

It’s important that I remember to foster those friendships and contribute to them because I am definitely guilty of feeling lonely and deprived of friends when I haven’t been putting in much effort. …

At the center of this, for me, is self-care and self-love, knowing that my living situation is not a reflection of who I am as a person.

Great insights!

[Anonymous]

The question is:

Quote:

The question is this: How do you live alone? (and this has to do with coping with loneliness, and other emotions that come with being alone)….

You can be married or live with someone & still feel lonely. My wife is going through emotional & mental issues. It includes paranoia, depression &

bipolar. Some innocent comment can be taken completely out of context. There are women at church that I don’t even know & she thinks I have a

relationship with them. She will see a piece of junk mail from a jewelry store & think that I’ve bought another woman a piece of jewelry. I went to a

lawyer this past fall to put together wills & powers of attorney in preparation for the end of our lives. As a result, she thinks I’m trying to put her

into a nursing home.

She takes medication & goes to a therapist. Sometimes it helps. Sometime it doesn’t. As a result, we have very few in depth

conversations. I can’t make a little joke or she will probably take it the wrong way. There is no sign of it getting any better.

You may see people at work at school or at church & they are surrounded by friends & family. Do not assume that they are not lonely.

I believe all of us deal with it on some level or other.

[Author]

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