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This has all been a good discussion. What if you find your son viewing pornography? Or you find out your daughter has had sex with her boyfriend? How as a parent do you best teach chastity and purity without going overboard?
Heber13 wrote:This has all been a good discussion.
What if you find your son viewing pornography? Or you find out your daughter has had sex with her boyfriend? How as a parent do you best teach chastity and purity without going overboard?
You give them the facts and restrict opportunity where possible and hope they make the right choices. Make sure they know you will always love them no matter what they choose, but you don’t condone certain behavior nor will you allow it in your home. You tell them that sex is not what they see in movies or on the internet. You make sure they know how STD and pregnancy work and how to make sure that they protect against it but remind them that the only foolproof way is waiting for the right person and time.
You don’t forbid or try to rule with an iron fist or tell them they are evil – that rarely works and can often encourage poor behavior in struggling teens. If you can’t handle a particularly rebellious kid by yourself, get real help from a professional.
Katzpur, Your first post here about your daughter brought up a memory of something I remember that had happened to me roughly half a lifetime ago.
I got married young (almost 20 at the time) and ended up being very unhappy in my marriage. I had resolved to stay in this unhappy marriage because I felt I had deserved it for making poor choices in my teenage past. The Holy Spirit spoke to me about a month later while I was at a local shopping mall and said basically: ” do not hold yourself hostage because of your past transgressions. if you leave your wife your children will be looked after. ”
Because of what the Spirit said I no longer felt obliged to stay with my wife. The Lord understood my situation and gave me His wish to leave the unhappy marriage situation and months later I did.
Katzpur, I feel for the great love you feel for your daughter. It really sounds she really needs to hear how special she is in spite of “messing up”. God still loves us in spite of our “bad” choices. I pray your daughter will someday come to realize that she is special in God’s eyes, and she has nothing to feel lowly about – in spite of her bad choices. Reminds me of Billy Joel’s song “Only Human”. We are here on earth to gain experiences and learn and sometimes some of us make real doozies when it comes to “mistakes” but we are “only human” (as Billy Joel says).
With all love and sincerity,
BeLikeChrist
Brown wrote:
You don’t forbid or try to rule with an iron fist or tell them they are evil – that rarely works and can often encourage poor behavior in struggling teens. If you can’t handle a particularly rebellious kid by yourself, get real help from a professional.That’s a good answer, Brown. I wonder if the church puts more emphasis on prescriptive teachings and warnings with good intentions of hoping to help youth avoid pitfalls, but lacks in teaching how to handle it when mistakes are made, because to acknowledge mistakes will happen almost gives youth permission to make them. What is your experience? Do you think the church adequately teaches what you were preaching?
Katzpur, Did you ever share with your daughter how Jesus in the scriptures had compassion for the woman caught in sin? That is one of my favorite scripture stories because the message is not about lowering your self worth or putting scarlet letters on other people, it is about love and moving forward with hope.
Heber13 wrote:Brown wrote:
What is your experience? Do you think the church adequately teaches what you were preaching?My experience? I became a dad in high school.
😳 I don’t really know how to answer the other half of the question, I kinda went through the motions and half-heartedly repented because my parents insisted. The church seemed to welcome me back, so I guess I will say I did not think they were overly harsh or judgmental as long as you seem like you are remorseful and want to change.
What I will say, is touting only abstinence and not informing children about how reproduction, fertility and disease occurs, can be damaging. I wish I would have waited (mostly for my now teenage daughter’s sake) but if I had known more about reproduction and birth control, my actions may not have resulted in such permanent consequences for me and my child. Also, the fact that sex is so taboo in certain cultures means teens are embarrassed to actually get birth control in the case they may need it. Say what you want about good parenting, but get a couple of teens that have been dating a while alone and it is only a matter of time before nature takes over. You simply cannot watch your kids 24/7. What would be wrong with making a supply of condoms available in the medicine cabinet or placing a teen on birth control that felt she might need it? I know it sounds like giving permission, but it will happen if it is going to happen.
As for professional help, I think the church is trying but local culture and customs are hard to break. I still think many expect the local bishop to take care of the issues, even if they have no idea how to help.
BeLikeChrist wrote:Katzpur, I feel for the great love you feel for your daughter. It really sounds she really needs to hear how special she is in spite of “messing up”. God still loves us in spite of our “bad” choices. I pray your daughter will someday come to realize that she is special in God’s eyes, and she has nothing to feel lowly about – in spite of her bad choices. Reminds me of Billy Joel’s song “Only Human”. We are here on earth to gain experiences and learn and sometimes some of us make real doozies when it comes to “mistakes” but we are “only human” (as Billy Joel says).
Thank you, BeLikeChrist. I really do appreciate your kind words. It may be a very long time in coming, but I hope she gets to that point someday. Right now I can tell that she is still a very unhappy person. It’s not as bad as when she was married, but it’s still not good. I feel like she is a completely different person than she was when she was growing up. Obviously, people change as they get older and experience life, but she is not the loving, thoughtful, sweet person she used to be. I miss my daughter very much.Heber13 wrote:Katzpur,
Did you ever share with your daughter how Jesus in the scriptures had compassion for the woman caught in sin? That is one of my favorite scripture stories because the message is not about lowering your self worth or putting scarlet letters on other people, it is about love and moving forward with hope.
We really don’t talk much about her past choices. Our relationship is strained and every time I’m with her, my focus is 100% on not saying something that will alienate her or make her feel that I’m judging her in any way. There is nothing in the world that I want more than for the two of us to be close and for her to be happy — in or out of the Church. Sometimes I think I see progress, but it’s such a slow process. If I were to even mention the story of Christ and the woman taken in adultery, I’m afraid it would backfire. Someday the time may be right. We’re just not there yet.Katzpur, you said
Quote:My daughter had so much promise
. As a person who has struggled a good deal like your daughter, just remind her she still has so much promise, when the time comes. She may not be reseptive to hearing it now, but she will at some point.
I think as a church, we place too much emphasis on all the going to hell as a scare tactic. Which may work well from some people, but for those of us who have committed serious sins, it doesn’t work. What works (and I guess this must be the tightest held secret ever) is that God loves us enough that he sent his son to fix those sins…via the Atonement. As the mother of a heavily tatooed son, I use to fret, pray, fast, read scriptures, pray, pray some more so my son wouldn’t be lost (mostly because I felt ashamed of him) Then during one prayer I was told, in no uncertain terms, a few things..first there were influences I knew nothing about in his life right at the moment, second God sent his Son and this was fixable and being tatooed was not the end of the world, and third to continue to pray for him but not to be overbearing but to love him, and forth he was Gods son before he was mine and God knew exactly what I was going through and he did not want my son lost a great deal more than I could comprehend, and last that God knew his heart and knew why he did what he did and he could be forgiven and to stop worrying about what others thought.
I think that’s the big issue, because we are told that if we are good parents our children won’t watch porn, won’t commit sexual sins…but when they do we become ashamed or embarrassed. When we, even if we do teach them correct principals, tend to think we failed, when in fact they are the ones who choose to commit the sin. And that God does understand….look at all the sins his children commit, we can learn from his example on how to parent a wayward kid.
That all said, I had a friend who said his 18 year old daughter was an LDS fathers dream, hasn’t dated, hasn’t even kissed anyone. He was proud of her. I can understand that, but my first thought was oh no…this poor girl, she will fall in love with the first guy to show her any attention, get married and probably divorced or live in a horrible marriage because she doesn’t know or hasn’t found out what she wants in a husband. I often wonder how this is affecting her self esteem…I can’t imagine it is good, I can see it just beyond the surface, up front she is smiles and nice, but in her eyes there is pain.
I think it can be hard to realize that your kids are just people too. Brown wrote:I think it can be hard to realize that your kids are just people too.
My kids are better people than I was when I was their age, thats for sure.They are old enough to start making mistakes, including law of chastity mistakes. I’m surprised they are willing to come talk to me about it. In many ways, the fact we can talk about the mistakes is more comforting to me, and I don’t worry as much about the church standards or stigmas about it, as much as that I see they are trying to be good, but it is just hard in today’s world.
I view my role as a coach .. not as an enforcer. I want them to learn from their experiences. I want them to think about what to do next time they are in a situation. I want them to learn how to think through the choices and realize the consequences.
I don’t want them to feel they are in trouble, or that God loves them less, or they blew a chance for eternal salvation.
Amen Heber, Amen ! Katzpur wrote:Andrew wrote:Katzpur, that is tragic.
I know it’s highly discouraged, but you should write a letter to one of the brethren. They need to know stuff like this is going on and that the way chastity is taught can have long-lasting negative repercussions.
I’d recommend writing Elder Scott, as to me, he seems to be the most compassionate to those struggling with sin and whenever he talks about these sorts of things, he also always mentions forgiveness through the Atonement.
You know, I probably would — and I write one dang good letter! — but I’ll tell you what’s holding me back. If I didn’t get a response that was compassionate and encouraging, it would make matters even worse than they are right now. I would just have one more person to be angry with, and I really don’t want to be angry with the Church leadership.Wise counsel to yourself. My wife wrote such a letter to GBH and got back a form letter from Michael Watson. She still mentions it now; and from our perspective, she had a valid concern. So, you are wise to do nothing. When it comes to seeking satisfaction from Church channels, I have found the maxim “Blessed is s/he who expects nothing, for s/he shall not be disappointed”.
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