How should I approach my spouse?

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

May God bless you in this, Porter.

Just a suggestion:

If the temple recommend questions that are at issue for you are “belief / testimony” questions, one possible approach is saying something at the beginning like, “I am trying to understand everything better and have questions, but I want to be able to attend the temple so I can have the blessings of contemplation and prayer there, as well.” Then, when it comes to the individual belief / testimony questions, honestly saying, “I’m trying” – instead of “yes” or “no”. (That is my answer to the honesty question. I try, but I’m not sure I can say I am honest in every dealing with everyone, so I say, “I try my hardest.”)

Do you think your Bishop would understand and accept that? What about your wife? Is it “true” for you?

Or, could you say that like most people, your knowledge isn’t perfect on those issues, and like most people, there are times when you need to strengthen your faith? But that you are willing to accept them with more and more faith as more and more personal knowledge comes available to you on your own personal journey? Perhaps quote D&C 50 which says “that which is of God is light, and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light and the light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day”.

Any way you can express respect for the belief, and a desire to embrace it with full acceptance as you grow, I think would help you get through the interview.

[Anonymous]

And I would add to Ray’s and SD’s comments my experience. After answering the last question “do you feel worthy…” affirmative, and the bishop is signing the recommend, I got what most members would call a confirmation of the spirit. Warm fuzzies. I’d say according to Mormon teachings that means I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing!

We’re often hard on ourselves for no good reason.

[Anonymous]

Porter Rockwell wrote:

Currently my wife is in one of those ‘spirit has pricked her heart with guilt’ states where she feels the whole family needs to do better – to faithfully do home evenings, scripture study etc. Incidentally this comes at a point where all the issues has bubbled up to the surface in my mind, and is haunting me all the time,… So it’s a bit of a difficult time…

Thanx for that insight Ray. I am thinking of how she will react, and how it would be if the situation were opposite all the time. I love my wife dearly, above anything, and REALLY don’t want to hurt her. That’s why I’ve put off talking with her for so long. But I want us to have a whole, healthy relationship, I don’t want to have secrets from my wife.

I could have written this post in regards to my husband. To pour salt into the wound, he wants me to “tell him more things” and “talk to him more” because I tend to shut down and push him out of things.

I wish he knew that I don’t tell him things because I don’t want to be a burden to him, and I don’t want to make his load heavier. Why should I add my doubts to his burden in life, when I am not even sure whether my doubts are here to say or are just smoke and mirrors. Also he tends to be very dismissive of my thoughts and I don’t want to be caught off guard having to defend things from what he thought I said or what his gut instinct is.

He already cops the “I read my scriptures so why didn’t you?” attitude not infrequently recently. When he does this, I resist pointing out the number of times I dragged both girls to church without him when he should have gone as well.

Right now, I try to find common ground and let my doubts fly under the radar. I want to have as much marital “cruising area” as possible – especially since our little girl is going to be baptized in November . Since all I am responsible for is the cross-state logistics surrounding the date and preparing the Baptism/Holy Ghost talk, there is no reason I should pop up on the radar.

I think I am also afraid of rejection. My husband has said (in the heat of a post-partum battle about 8 months ago) that he didn’t me as the person he married 10 years ago. When I brought up the idea that I might have Asperger’s Autism, he said I was identifying with it out of love of my daughter. When I sent him a multi-page highlighted description document from a female Asperger’s Autism, he said he didn’t see any of those things applying to me. When I showed my mother the same document, she said “I wasn’t sure about some of those descriptions, why do you feel they apply to you?” and I explained and she said, “Ok, maybe this is a good fit for you. How do you feel about that?”. It’s not that I don’t want him to have the same opinion I do, I just don’t agree with the knee-jerk “this isn’t how I see you so you must be wrong” statements.

My husband is becoming more nurturing and supportive over the last 3 months. We are drawing closer together in quite a few areas, while drifting in this area…

[Anonymous]

AmyJ wrote:

I could have written this post in regards to my husband. To pour salt into the wound, he wants me to “tell him more things” and “talk to him more” because I tend to shut down and push him out of things.

I think I am also afraid of rejection. My husband has said (in the heat of a post-partum battle about 8 months ago) that he didn’t me as the person he married 10 years ago. When I brought up the idea that I might have Asperger’s Autism, he said I was identifying with it out of love of my daughter. When I sent him a multi-page highlighted description document from a female Asperger’s Autism, he said he didn’t see any of those things applying to me. When I showed my mother the same document, she said “I wasn’t sure about some of those descriptions, why do you feel they apply to you?” and I explained and she said, “Ok, maybe this is a good fit for you. How do you feel about that?”. It’s not that I don’t want him to have the same opinion I do, I just don’t agree with the knee-jerk “this isn’t how I see you so you must be wrong” statements.

My husband is becoming more nurturing and supportive over the last 3 months. We are drawing closer together in quite a few areas, while drifting in this area…

Hi Amy,

It’s a tough spot to be in. In marriage, we’re not just commiting ourselves to our spouse on our wedding day. We’re also commiting oursleves to the person they will be in a year… a decade… 50+ years down the road. Almost every cell in our body gets replaced within 7-8 years; in that same time, our minds are filled with so many experiences and ideas, we can’t even begin to keep track of them. It’s why the marriage experts tell us we need to fall in love with our spouse again and again…

It was very tough for me to come out to my wife about my beliefs. It’s not what she signed up for; I’m not the man she married. My beliefs go against her world-view. It’s made things complicated. But in the end, it’s been a very positive decision that has brought us closer together. It’s helped us to know each other better, for who we are. I’m a believer that it is better to be rejected for who I am, than accepted for what I am not.

Even if your doubts are a passing thing, and even if your husband “doesn’t understand”, at the very least he’ll understand you better than he did before. It’s a tough thing to change your mind, as anyone going through a faith crisis knows. But it has to start somewhere. As with the Asperger’s Autism, maybe your husband didn’t buy into it, but at least he understands how you’re feeling a little more.

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