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I am responding to Old-Timer’s post from another thread here. He lays out an interesting pattern for blending into a new ward. Old-Timer wrote:I just moved into a new ward. I have been there for a month, and I have said things in multiple meetings already that have been a little “out there” – or, at least, that shifted the conversation in significant ways. I am not viewed as a threat in my new ward, and my comments have been received quite graciously. I’ve even had people make comments that referenced my comments and added onto them.
How can I get away with it in a new ward?
1) I contacted the Bishop before moving into the ward – to introduce myself and ask some basic questions about the church in this area. I told him the truth – that we had thought and prayed about which Bishop to contact and where in the city we should relocate. I told him we had felt impressed to call him and hoped to be able to find a house in his ward.
2) He asked what my wife and I were doing in the Church. I told him I had served on the High Council in the Nauvoo Stake and was released to be the Institute Teacher at the college where I worked – and that my wife was the Seminary Teacher in our small town and had been an Activity Days teacher and YW President before that.
Iow, I set the stage to be accepted as a faithful member. It wasn’t devious in any way, but it was intentional, nonetheless.
I think this is a great start — you’re telling the truth, and expressing willingness to be fully part of the community.Old-Timer wrote:3) When I got to my new area, I volunteered to help clean the church each Saturday this month – since, “I’m a bachelor right now, have no life and don’t have anything better to do.” I’ve been at the church each Saturday morning this month helping clean the building.
4) I offered to play the piano in Priesthood meeting when they didn’t have the regular pianist and were talking about singing acapella.
Uh-oh – dead give-away. Musicians have a high incidence of unorthodox thinking…Old-Timer wrote:5) I offered to help with baptisms for the dead next weekend.
Iow, I immediate dove into the service aspect of the ward.
6) 4) I have worn a white shirt, tie and suit coat to church each week so far. Why? It’s a visible sign right now that I’m not a non-conformist – even though I eventually will start mixing it up and wearing a colored shirt.
Now this sounds a bit inauthentic. I wonder if by going the white shirt route you’re creating a false impression of conformance and compliance when at some point you let down that ‘standard’, you’ll be considered a non-conformist in conformist clothing…Old-Timer wrote:7) I smile constantly when I’m at church (and most of the time outside church, but that’s beside the point, a bit). I introduce myself to everyone. I talk with the little kids and tell their parents how cute the kids are. I flirt with the elderly ladies. I crack jokes occasionally in class. I sing openly and, while not truly loudly or with full voice, more loudly than most of the others in the congregation.
I think it’s important to be authentic, and as long as you’re adopting your natural style in these things, great. Not sure about the flirting with the elderly ladies thing…Old-Timer wrote:When I make a comment, I generally speak fairly softly – but intensely when I am making an important point. I use “I think” and “I’ve often wondered” quite a bit – or other qualifiers and “softeners” in what I say.
Iow, I am being a “good neighbor” at church – fitting in and making friends and being good to be around.
What I’m saying is that people see me as one of them in every way that makes an immediate impression – so when I say something in class that is different than what is being said (and even different than anything they’ve considered previously), it’s not nearly as jarring as the visitor yesterday who went on and on in a very forceful tone.
I have social capital from my past, but I’m building social capital in the present – intentionally, but not deceptively in any way.
the question ultimately is ‘what is your intent’?– If you want to be part of a community of saints, then you’re on the right path.
– If you want to be part of the community of saints and freely express your unorthodoxy, then ok, fine probably the right path, but you may be taken as insincere if you start with the TBM White Shirt behavior and change later.
– If your intent is to seed thoughts of unorthodox thinking in others through sharing, then I think they may be justified in the impression that you might be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I think there is a little danger in overly blending in.
1. there is perhaps a sense of inauthenticity that it might imply if, for example, wearing white shirts and suits is not your natural style, or if being friendly and flirting with old ladies is not you.
2. they might call you to something that would not be comfortable for you (although in your case, Ray, I’m not sure what that might be if you survived the High Council).
3. there are those, perhaps, who are having trouble fitting in themselves, and are seeking someone who can support them in their feeling ostrasized. By ‘blending in’, is there not a danger of just being part of the tyranny of the majority of cultural mormonism?
how do others here ‘fit in’ to their congregations?
I think the above stuff works for Ray and isn’t too far away from authenticity for him. I have a lot of respect for you Ray, and I think you find a good way of making it work, being broad minded with your faith (truly understanding the issues) but also able to serve in the higher-profile callings faithfully. For me, I think I tend to do all of the same social things that are important: talk to people, smile a lot, shake hands, show up to help families move in/out, jump in to setup or take down chairs, AND I try to make positive comments in class as well as more challenging comments.
But I tend to dive right in to broadcasting my lack of cultural homogeneity. I sort of have to do that anyway since my wife and kids don’t attend anymore. Those are the first questions people ask — who is your wife? will she be coming to Relief Society? What primary classes are your kids in? I smile confidently and just tell people directly what the situation is. If nothing else, it squashes the gossip and establishes that I am very comfortable talking about it.
The number one way to blend in and become a part of the community is to serve others with love IMO. That, and making sure to always broadcast that you consider yourself a part of the team — not an outsider. I really do love day-to-day Mormonism in the trenches of your average ward. I want to be on the team. All social groups have a sense of insiders vs outsiders. It’s easier for a brother in EQ to excuse my off-the-wall comment when the month before I helped him move his family into his house, or we chatted while taking down the chairs in the overflow area together, or whatever.
Great questions, wayfarer. I don’t have much time this morning, but let me elaborate on one thing. I’m totally comfortable and fine wearing a white shirt, tie and suit coat. It’s not inauthentic at all for me, mostly because, at the core, I really don’t care about exactly what I wear. Like Paul’s admonition to not eat meat with those who abstain from meat, I’m fine wearing the outfit of the traditional believers, if you will. Yeah, I’ll probably show up in colored shirts and ties at some point, unless I get a calling in which I’m asked to wear a white shirt, tie and suit coat, but I really don’t care much.
Old-Timer wrote:Great questions, wayfarer. I don’t have much time this morning, but let me elaborate on one thing.
I’m totally comfortable and fine wearing a white shirt, tie and suit coat. It’s not inauthentic at all for me, mostly because, at the core, I really don’t care about exactly what I wear. Like Paul’s admonition to not eat meat with those who abstain from meat, I’m fine wearing the outfit of the traditional believers, if you will. Yeah, I’ll probably show up in colored shirts and ties at some point, unless I get a calling in which I’m asked to wear a white shirt, tie and suit coat, but I really don’t care much.
i knew that… but i’ll wager you didn’t wear anything but a white shirt when officiating in the high council or speaking as a high councilor. It’s just not really done is it?but here is the thing: if we’re free to do something and don’t make use of that freedom, are we free? if white shirts are neither current policy (they were at one point) nor doctrine in any way (they never were), then perpetuating the myth doesn’t give people the right idea, and the white shirt continues to be interpreted as policy and doctrine. I personally feel we are WAY too concerned about the outer appearance, and lose the idea of what’s inside counts.
I agree with all of that – but I still don’t care enough about it to make an issue of it. 🙂 I was asked directly by my Stake President to wear the white shirt, tie and suit coat when I spoke or visited a ward or branch, so I did. Otoh, I showed up to Stake Council and High Council meetings in colored shirt and tie or polo shirt quite often. I went straight from work and wore whatever I was wearing that day – and, technically, I could have gone home (1 mile from work) and changed quickly or taken a change of clothing with me. I generally was the only person in the meeting dressed like that, but I still dressed like that.
Old-Timer wrote:I agree with all of that – but I still don’t care enough about it to make an issue of it.
🙂 I was asked directly by my Stake President to wear the white shirt, tie and suit coat when I spoke or visited a ward or branch, so I did. Otoh, I showed up to Stake Council and High Council meetings in colored shirt and tie or polo shirt quite often. I went straight from work and wore whatever I was wearing that day – and, technically, I could have gone home (1 mile from work) and changed quickly or taken a change of clothing with me. I generally was the only person in the meeting dressed like that, but I still dressed like that.
i want to say it doesn’t matter or that I don’t care, really i do. but I can’t say that. I think it matters. maybe a little.when i was on my mission, i developed a set of friends that were definitely ‘gray-zoners’ as we called ourselves. We stretched and bent the rules — after all, the country I went to had a 3000+ mile beach, and most of my friends were north calif beach bums. We went for the waves, yet we were all pretty good missionaries as it turned out — other than spending most p-days on the beach during the winter when they were abandoned, we didn’t break many rules.
We roomed together in a house on 3rd east just south of BYU campus – ‘third-east yacht club’, and we bent every byu rule we could — yet we were good students and didn’t actually break rules — there was no sex, no drinking, but we looked like we were having a lot of fun, and we were. We had great parties. We organized the first major competitive skateboard events at byu, doing a weekly race down the the 7 mile road from aspen loop to cascade springs. We moved our classes to M-W-F so that Tuesday and Thursdays were ski or surf depending upon weather (boat-wake surfing on Utah lake). It was a blast.
Our typical church attire included wrinkled khaki pants, sperry topsiders or sandals, colored shirts and ties – never a suit, never a white shirt, never dress shoes. It communicated that we were not conformant mormons, but in reality, we were completely observant to the relevant standards. A counselor in the bishopric did everything he could to try to censure us — they literally interviewed the women in the ward counseling them not to go anywhere near our sinful house. I think it became part of the temple recommend interview for our ward sisters, whether they associated with us — seriously. Yet, nothing was happening. Every one of us had served a mission, every one eventually married in temple. I think most are faithful in our flexible way to this day. But we were censured by a culture that equated white shirts and suits with holiness and particularly ‘worthiness’.
It just seems to me that the white-shirt culture focuses on the outside appearance. ray, I accept that you don’t care and are willing to go with the flow on this, and at times I do to. But in our going with the flow, I wonder if we’re excluding those who are more comfortable in more casual clothes.
I’m observing on another site that those who become disaffected the most are those who are most rigorous in their TBM lifestyle. My family and obviously from my mission, I have never been a rigid, hardline true believer. Hence, for me ‘discovering’ church history problems is not really a problem. I am more-or-less content to be in the middle, faithful in my own Way and unorthodox in my thinking; and not really disturbed by the rigidity as long as it doesn’t harm people. I think this is an easier way to live than the hard wall that true belief requires. I think it helps if people can see that faithfulness and worthiness is not measured by the outward appearance, but by the authenticity with which one lives one’s life. And that, to me, is where wearing what is natural comes to fore.
nuff said. wasted too much time on this already.
Quote:crazy yes, stupid no. I think I know the limits.
Someone said that in another current thread, wayfarer. For what I want to accomplish, I’d say the exact same thing.
and now both of us can say, “nuff said.”
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