How to handle the point blank questions?

[Anonymous]

I’m becoming more adept at not discussing aspects of my FC with my proudly TBM husband. (I haven’t said one word to him about the Kate Kelly excommunication, for example.) However, he’s developed an unsettling habit of simply lobbing temple-recommend-interview-like questions at me point blank. For example: Last night we stayed up late chatting about our upcoming trip to Utah, dong laundry, and packing. Husband said he was going to bed and I put an episode of ‘Bob’s Burgers’ on Netflix. A few minutes later he came back down, sat next to me, and said, “What do you like about the gospel?”

Now, even if it wasn’t really midnight, even if I hadn’t already shut off my brain to watch a TV show, this would bug me. I think it’s inappropriate and kind of controlling for him to lob these questions at me and demand that I answer them. And from my perspective, my FC seems to be all about him – I’m getting a little tired of having to be constantly reassuring him. (My mother left the church when I was 15, and apparently he’s convinced that I’m going to do the same thing.) I don’t think that anyone other than the bishopric/stake presidency member is actually authorized to give me what amounts to a temple recommend interview, and that feels a lot like what DH is doing. I told him all of this last night, but I also knew that he wouldn’t get off my case until I not only answered the question, but answered it *right.* I told him I like the Book of Mormon.

Husband’s response was that what HE likes about the gospel is the Atonement, which makes me think it was some weird game of one-upmanship – even when I was firmly TBM, I always hated that (marriage should NEVER be a contest to see which spouse is the most righteous. And he has pioneer ancestors, so he’d probably win ). don’t thnk there’s any answer I could have given that would have fully satisfied him. And, as I said before, I really REALLY don’t like having these questions just thrown at me by someone who doesn’t actually hold ecclesiastical authority over me (at least not yet).

Soooo… is this a situation that any of you have encountered? Is there a good way to get a TBM spouse to respect my autonomy, to not treat my ongoing FC as some sort of evil plot designed to thwart *his* happiness, to deflect the questions that no one really has the right to ask?

[Anonymous]

That’s a tough one. To keep me from repeating the phrase I’ll open up with it. What I share below is my solution, it currently works for me and I don’t pretend or even imagine it’s a solution that works for everyone.

IMO my DW has more authority to ask me questions than any bishop, stake president, mission president, etc. will ever have. The depth of respect and love that I have for her is far deeper so I give her that authority willingly.

I strive to be open with DW when she asks questions. I don’t want a dodged or half answered question to become the proverbial hidden wedge that weakens our relationship (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/04/hidden-wedges).

Another aspect of that. Part of what I view as a sacrifice that I have to make is to keep my issues to myself. I don’t want to foist my issues on others but I will do my best to answer questions. I kind of crave questions because that’s the only time I’d feel comfortable sharing some of my points of view. In that light sometimes I wish the questions would come more often.

That said it’s not a one way street, sometimes a line of questioning isn’t really seeking an answer, it can be a process of telling more than asking.

Again, that’s a tough situation and I’m no counselor… take all my stuff with a grain of salt, perhaps even a grain of salt that’s lost its savor.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I…Love…Bob’s…Burgers.

There. I said it. (Just the way Gene would)

Anyhow, had your husband ever asked you random questions before your FC? If he really has recently developed the habit, then the Church is definitely on his mind, and when he blurts out questions, you can probably bet he’s been thinking on it for some time.

I don’t know what the solution is. Perhaps married folks who have had similar experiences could give you some specific advice. Maybe you could sit down with him and verify whether he’s worried about your beliefs. Many here have advised simple sharing what you do believe with others, rather than what you struggle to believe anymore, or just plain don’t believe. The positive approach. If he is worried about your beliefs, he may be relieved to know about what you do believe.

Then again, I’m not married, so…

[Anonymous]

nibbler wrote:

IMO my DW has more authority to ask me questions than any bishop, stake president, mission president, etc. will ever have. The depth of respect and love that I have for her is far deeper so I give her that authority willingly.

I wonder if it bothers me more than it bothers you because the genders are reversed. Honestly, being buttonholed like that felt really unrighteous dominion-y. But it may be that I am overly senstive since it was my noticing the gender differences in the endowment that kicked off my FC in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Issues of proper approach from one’s spouse aside, I would say to recognize that he has to be worried about “losing” you. That, all by itself, is a good thing, even if he doesn’t handle that fear the best way you would want.

My answer is: honestly, but lovingly with the intent of doing no harm – and not always fully.

Also, at that time of night, I probably would say something like:

Quote:

A lot of things, but it’s WAY too late and I’m WAY too tired to answer the way I want to answer. Let’s talk about it tomorrow evening, when I have had a chance to think about it and answer properly. I love you. 🙂

[Anonymous]

“I don’t know”

…what I love about the Gospel is that “I don’t know” is often the best answer. We are meant to be in a process of learning, and when we claim to definitively know an answer, that claim can actually interfere with our continued progression.

I love being in a constant state of awe and learning.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to answer this in the framework of Willard Harley Junior’s marriage builders concept.

It sounds like your husband has a high need for family support — I think the church makes this important to just about any Mormon. Although I think Harley defines it as support in raising children, there is a “family-orientation” to it that speaks to eternal family.

I would therefore be proactive in meeting this need as authentically as possible. First, at church, I would be looking for those things I can sincerely complement about the experience. And I would be proactive in sharing those things with your husband. I would initiate Mormon experiences that I felt I could (in my case) tolerate. In my case, that would be Family Home Evening, Daddy-Daughter dates, or other things that resonate with my wife. If something happened at church that touched me (and sometimes stories, or experiences do), I would share them. I would share my long-term hopes for eternal family, and if the temple bothered me, I wouldn’t make it a temple conversation, but a relationship conversation.

The other thing I might do, given the curious aspect of my character, is keep track of how often he corners me on these things. This is my baseline for a reasonable amount of time, depending on how often he does it. Then I would implement my proactivity program above, and i would see what the impact is on the frequency of his point blank questions.

If I don’t have point blank answers to his questions, I would use Ray said above, and buy time to think about it. You can post the question here, and get ideas. And then, initiate a time to discuss it.

It sounds like your marriage is important to you — get familiar with http://www.marriagebuilders.com and your husband’s emotional needs. Make sure you meet his top 3 needs really well, and this can (in my experience) partly compensate for any shortfalls he might feel now, or in the future, for your church faith.

[Anonymous]

I might ask him what brought up the question at that particular instance and what are his thoughts on the comparison of answers. If he answers anything like – he was just checking to see if your testimony is built on a firm foundation – then I might tell him that it would be hurtful for him to place value judgements on your beliefs.

It can help to remember that he can be scared of losing the person that he fell in love with, losing the family life he dreamed of all his life, and loosing out on an eternal family. Those fears can make good people act badly at times.

[Anonymous]

Joni wrote:

I’m becoming more adept at not discussing aspects of my FC with my proudly TBM husband. (I haven’t said one word to him about the Kate Kelly excommunication, for example.) However, he’s developed an unsettling habit of simply lobbing temple-recommend-interview-like questions at me point blank. For example: Last night we stayed up late chatting about our upcoming trip to Utah, dong laundry, and packing. Husband said he was going to bed and I put an episode of ‘Bob’s Burgers’ on Netflix. A few minutes later he came back down, sat next to me, and said, “What do you like about the gospel?”

Now, even if it wasn’t really midnight, even if I hadn’t already shut off my brain to watch a TV show, this would bug me. I think it’s inappropriate and kind of controlling for him to lob these questions at me and demand that I answer them. And from my perspective, my FC seems to be all about him – I’m getting a little tired of having to be constantly reassuring him. (My mother left the church when I was 15, and apparently he’s convinced that I’m going to do the same thing.) I don’t think that anyone other than the bishopric/stake presidency member is actually authorized to give me what amounts to a temple recommend interview, and that feels a lot like what DH is doing. I told him all of this last night, but I also knew that he wouldn’t get off my case until I not only answered the question, but answered it *right.* I told him I like the Book of Mormon.

Husband’s response was that what HE likes about the gospel is the Atonement, which makes me think it was some weird game of one-upmanship – even when I was firmly TBM, I always hated that (marriage should NEVER be a contest to see which spouse is the most righteous. And he has pioneer ancestors, so he’d probably win ). don’t thnk there’s any answer I could have given that would have fully satisfied him. And, as I said before, I really REALLY don’t like having these questions just thrown at me by someone who doesn’t actually hold ecclesiastical authority over me (at least not yet).

Soooo… is this a situation that any of you have encountered? Is there a good way to get a TBM spouse to respect my autonomy, to not treat my ongoing FC as some sort of evil plot designed to thwart *his* happiness, to deflect the questions that no one really has the right to ask?

I can see why you wouldn’t like the way this all went down. Is this typical for him, though? It almost sounds like he’s been reading about how to interact with a spouse in crisis and just blurted out the question. But if you have the sense that he intended his answer to trump yours, then the whole thing doesn’t feel as loving and well-intentioned. I don’t have any good advice, but I really appreciate you sharing this. Not being on the same page (or heck, same chapter, same book – I think we’re still in the same library) as my husband is difficult and lonely for me. It helps to know that others like me are out there. Good luck. I would love to hear how you followed this up.

[Anonymous]

I’d be inclined to ask “What do you love about me?” if he said that because it seems as though he’s pushing you in a way that would rub me wrong. He needs to get clear about why he’s married to you, right?

[Anonymous]

hawkgrrrl wrote:

I’d be inclined to ask “What do you love about me?” if he said that because it seems as though he’s pushing you in a way that would rub me wrong. He needs to get clear about why he’s married to you, right?

Great question — bring it back to the point. I still remember when my wife told me she didn’t want to stay with our marriage when I had my first commitment crises about 4 years into our marriage. She spoke to a woman in the ward who was married to a non-member. She told my wife that she felt eternal love should transcend the church. This woman had influence over my wife (she was the primary president, and my wife, a primary teacher) and her words influenced my wife profoundly.

That’s what I like about Hawk’s question. It gets to the core of love, not the periphery as your husband is doing.

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