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The following blog post was linked in another discussion. I felt that it deserved its own topic post. https://mormondom.com/why-people-leave-the-church-and-never-come-back-410e3e817a3a Recently DW and I were having a conversation with the RS president about a fellow sister that had gone inactive years before. DW related that this sister expressed sadness that she felt like she had lost all of her church friends when she stopped going. The RS president was somewhat indignant because she herself had visited the sister soon after they stopped going. The RS president then went on to tell us that this sister’s son never received the priesthood and that her youngest child was never baptized. The RSP theorized that Satan works extra hard on us before major milestones like that.
There was something missing … we seemed to be talking past one another.
Quote:So, if you can’t do any of these things to get those you love to come back to church, what do you do?
The answer is simple: Stop trying to get them to come back to church!
Just love them.
[snip]
Brothers and Sisters, I have to ask… do you have faith? Can you trust in God’s plan? Do you believe in a God who has a path for each of his children?
This states it so clearly.
If we are asking ourselves how we can get the inactives to recommit to the church… If we are wondering how to fellowship (win them over with smiles and cookies)… If we want to make sure that our eternal responsibility towards this person is fulfilled… then we are already removing ourselves from being their friends.
People who stop coming to church may legitimately feel that all their close church relationships ended because a) they do not get to see their old friends much anymore and b) when the old friends do come visit they seem most interested in proving how mistaken they are and how they must correct course or face the consequences.
This concept can be especially hard for 2 groups of Mormons to conceptualize.
1) Mormons that just do not have the time or interest to invest in friendships outside of church circles. Mormons are busy people. If we make friends within church circles then we get a multiple benefit. We get a friend that we know we will see regularly, shares our beliefs and value systems, and will mutually support and encourage us in the church community. Friendships outside the church community take more effort and are riskier in terms of benefit.
2) Mormons that believe very strongly that the traditional Mormon path is the only true path and that any deviation from the path can only lead to repentance or gnashing of teeth.
Thoughts or impressions?
I think it is more #1 than #2 – at least for me. Also, I listen and talk to my sisters in R.S. a lot, and it is impressive how “busy” they really are. The other thing is at least for introverts, there is only so much “social-ness” they can take. Sometimes it comes down to going to church, or going to the branch potluck activity – I won’t have the social resources for both. Since it is a form of social heresy to admit that you can’t do every activity, that you might actually NOT want to see or talk to people… it gets interesting…
I think the way to do it is: a) affirm that your outreach after they stop coming is not meant to get them out to church — it’s to be friends.
b) invite them to everything — ward socials, events, roadshows, personal parties
c) visit or talk on the phone without sharing a message from the First presidency — just be friends.
d) Let them know your friendship transcends the church.
I also think you need to pick who you are going to do this with. Yes, we should love everyone, but there are sustainability issues with being close friends with everyone in the world. I find the best relationships have some kind of natural basis for them. Common interests, similar professions, proximity (they live on the same street). I would have a couple of those and leave it at that. Let’s be realistic. At least they are long-term and genuine, rather than the duty-based, widespread, short-term relationships we see in formal church activity programs.
I told my one HT family (a single fellow) that I am a good HT for him. He said he was weary and that just checking in was fine. I replied that I was a good HT for him as I too am weary and do’t even hold a TR right now. We talk freely now once a week and the church never comes up — it’s about sharing our thoughts.
I agree with your assessment SD. I was this inactive sister’s HT for a long time. I visited with her on the front porch once. I told her some pieces of my FC and let her know that I would not be pressuring her to come back to church.
Still she would avoid my calls. I, as a man with very little in common with this woman, was assigned to touch base with her periodically. Even though I was not going to be pressuring her she may have felt that my attempts to reach her were more about checking my boxes than genuine interest in her life.
To be fair there is truth to that. I certainly would not have been contacting her if she wasn’t on my list. I just feel that sometimes having “connections” is valuable regardless of the source. When we needed some place for my daughter to go when DW was out of town for a day trip we called her VT’s. Just having someone to call can be an asset.
Roy wrote:
Just having someone to call can be an asset.
That is what I see as the value of the HT program — having a buffer between the leadership and the families. Not as lifelong friends. This kinds of friendships happen for reasons other than duty.
Here is a good quote from the article: Quote:
If you’ve never left the church before, it’s hard to comprehend the experience. You must understand that it’s almost impossible to just “leave” the church. For most of us, the church is embedded in who we are. It’s part of our character, and our identity. Mormonism is enmeshed in our values, our morals, our family relationships and our friendships.Many of us have steeped in Mormon traditions and heritage dating back generations since birth.
Choosing to leave the church — regardless of the reason — is difficult, complicated, and so incredibly painful.
People who leave experience feelings of extreme loneliness, of betrayal, and a complete loss of identity. It’s as if the foundation they’ve built their life around is crumbling. They feel anger, devastating sadness, relief and frustration.
They feel a need to belong while at the same time feeling a need to be alone. They feel deceived, judged, looked-down-upon, and very confused.
It is a horrible experience that robs you of your ability to trust others… especially those people who belong to the organization that has caused you so much profound pain and suffering. Because of this, those who leave the church often become cynical, skeptical and jaded.
The part in bold underline really struck me as true.
I think losing my friends is what’s been one of the hardest things for me during my FC. I moved away from my ward about the same time but I’ve come to realize that the relationships were only sustained through church. That’s when we saw each other, made plans, etc. Once that was gone, so were the relationships essentially. I’m not a social person and don’t feel like most people are worth being friends with so the very few who I call friends are like family to me. They had keys to my house, I spent holidays with them, and shared personal details with them. I moved only 10-15 minutes away and yet I’ve seen them once in the last year. And yes I put forth the effort to try and get together, I finally realized it just wasn’t happening. It’s been a hard thing for me to accept and has put me off from trying to make friends at church anymore. Having what I would call no friends at this point is hard enough but losing the few people I actually care about (at least locally) was pretty devastating.
unsure wrote:
I think losing my friends is what’s been one of the hardest things for me during my FC.I am there with you. As I was in my FC I was thinking only about, “Is this true?”. Once I reached the conclusion it wasn’t, then it hit me just how much my social life was wound up only with church members (and a few acquaintances from work). I know it is going to be hard when I come out a bit more and I am emotionally preparing to possibly lose all my church friends. That way when even just a few don’t shun me it will feel better than I am expecting.
Roy wrote:Even though I was not going to be pressuring her she may have felt that my attempts to reach her were more about checking my boxes than genuine interest in her life.
This; I’ve had one HT who would text me randomly or just show up, whenever he thought about it in whatever he happened to be wearing at the time just to see how I was doing, if I needed anything, and would often just chat for an hour or two about whatever. He also did that after I had different HTs, until he moved a couple counties away, and still FB messages me every now and then to remind me that he’s just about a day’s bike touring from here if I’m ever riding out that direction and need a place to stay the first and last nights.
That feels a lot more like someone who actually cares than when they only show up two-by-two in the last week of the month, with white shirts and ties when I know full well they wear t-shirts to work, and drive every conversation to this month’s FP message as quickly as possible. That tends to give a feeling of “you can only have the friends the Church assigns to you.” Especially when coupled with the underlying “if your friends aren’t interested in the Church, you should look for new friends” in a lot of the advice given. (And it’s worth noting that the friends in question weren’t a bunch of drunken reprobates intent on dragging me to hell; they were Baptists, Methodists, family members involved in a Methodist hospital ministry program, etc.)
NightSG wrote:
Especially when coupled with the underlying “if your friends aren’t interested in the Church, you should look for new friends” in a lot of the advice given. (And it’s worth noting that the friends in question weren’t a bunch of drunken reprobates intent on dragging me to hell; they were Baptists, Methodists, family members involved in a Methodist hospital ministry program, etc.)
I feel strongly that the diversified portfolio principle applied to social networks. Do not put all your eggs in one basket.
LookingHard wrote:
it hit me just how much my social life was wound up only with church members (and a few acquaintances from work).
To be fair, many friendships are like this. I have participated in many hobbies and met friends through them. If I later stop the hobby then I often lose the friend (not in a mean way, just that we no longer have occasion to see each other).
Roy wrote:
LookingHard wrote:
it hit me just how much my social life was wound up only with church members (and a few acquaintances from work).
To be fair, many friendships are like this. I have participated in many hobbies and met friends through them. If I later stop the hobby then I often lose the friend (not in a mean way, just that we no longer have occasion to see each other).
Agreed. I know that how it works. In general I would say that a big part of my issue and I need to “get out a bit more.” But I realized church (and the requisite busyness) monopolized that to the exclusion of almost anything else. Short of cutting into my limited family time, I don’t have time for anything else.
Totally understand LH. :thumbup:
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