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I was talking to some family members last night about that possibility that our nephew is gay. My sister has especially been very close to him for years and very strongly feels that he is. Of course, this is a very personal thing and I feel pretty strongly that he should be allowed to figure out his sexual orientation without a vote from the family. Our concern is that his parents are extremely orthodox members. They don’t allow their children to associate with anyone that isn’t a member of the church, and they don’t own a TV. His father has said before that he won’t let his children have any contact with anyone who is gay.
So if he is, coming out would be a very ugly thing for him.
Our concern is that he won’t come out and that he will struggle alone, and perhaps turn to suicide if he doesn’t find support.
So how can we reach out to him and let him know that we are there for him and will be accepting of him?
Is there a way to gently let him know that there hope and support outside of his ultra-orthodox family?
I honestly doubt that his parents would even let him know about the Mormons and Gays website, considering it irrelevant to anyone in their family.
Thoughts?
My sister in law came out as gay about two years after coming home from her mission. It was a shock to most of her family, save her eldest sister who knew she struggled with gender identity earlier on, and I suspected she was gay from the moment I met her. Her other two siblings, my wife included, were very offended/devastated at first, proclaiming she would never be allowed to speak to their children, they would never speak of her “condition”, and lamented how they couldn’t be an eternal family anymore. This sent my SIL into hiding for awhile,
I did damage control at home, and was able to get my DW to come to grips with the situation and not be so irrational, and she was able to overcome her agony in a few months, gain a better perspective, and start rebuilding her relationship.
The other antagonistic sister took about a year to calm down enough to be rational, but still suffers depression about it.
The mother-in-law probably took it the hardest, as she is very proud of her girls, and says she has accepted it, but will not talk about it outside the immediate family. It got a bit worse when SIL got engaged to be married to her girlfriend late last year, but she is still a loving mother to her.
It took some time, LDS cultural values run deep, and often trump family relationships, but in this case, the dust has mostly settled. In my case I felt it was important to be Christlike and not judgemental or condemning in any way, as some one who comes out is tired of doing it on their own and is finally asking for support. I imagine it is a painful experience when they don’t find it.
So, my advice is if you have a feeling a family member is gay, keep an open mind, and learn to deal with your own feelings before it becomes a problem, then be ready to help others.
A person who is gay is just like the rest of us, looking for love and acceptance. If two humans love and respect each other, that is enough.
1) Don’t approach the family member about it proactively. Don’t take it upon yourself to support someone openly who hasn’t come out, especially if you aren’t 100% certain. 2) Talk in the person’s presence about acceptance and unconditional love, regardless of whatever issues might exist – but don’t be obsessive about it and do it in other situations, as well, so it’s not obvious you are targeting one person and/or family with that message.
3) IF the person comes out, offer support immediately and openly – and charitably. Damn the consequences with other people in the moment; support the person; do it in a way that doesn’t alienate others simply as a result of how you respond.
This subject hits close to home for me. I have a brother who is gay. He served a mission, but returned early due to psychological issues. He became deeply depressed and attempted suicide at least 3 times that I know of. I was just 17 when he came out and I had already suspected that he was gay. I told him that he had my love and support no matter what. My parents really struggled with it. My mother has been able to be very supportive of him and he has been with a wonderful partner for the past 13 years who has really helped him face his depression and other struggles. My father, however, pretty much shut him out of his life. My parents are divorced and my father’s current wife refuses to have anything to do with my brother due to his homosexuality. Your nephew needs to come to his own conclusions about his sexuality without being labeled by others, especially his family. I feel like society pressures young people to label and identify themselves before they’ve even matured enough to understand themselves. His parents sound a lot like my in-laws. I can understand the concern that they would not react well if he were to come out as gay.
I like Ray’s advice, especially #2. What your nephew needs is to know that there are people who love him and will support him no matter what. He needs to know that his parents views are not held by everyone and that he will have somewhere to turn if he needs help.
Ray’s three points were great advice. Due to the fact that your nephew hasn’t come out, I would pay particular attention to Ray’s first point about not proactively bringing it up with him. Maybe he is not ready or wants to keep it private? However, it’s would be pretty horrible dealing with being gay all alone in a orthodox LDS family. I support my cousin who is gay by just treating him like I treat all my family members, with lots of love and respect. I don’t feel like I have to do anything different. My scenario is different then yours because I am the only member in my family, so I might be commenting on a situation I don’t fully understand.
Best of luck to your nephew!
Old-Timer wrote:1) Don’t approach the family member about it proactively. Don’t take it upon yourself to support someone openly who hasn’t come out, especially if you aren’t 100% certain.
2) Talk in the person’s presence about acceptance and unconditional love, regardless of whatever issues might exist – but don’t be obsessive about it and do it in other situations, as well, so it’s not obvious you are targeting one person and/or family with that message.
Point #1 is exactly why this is a difficult situation. It would be totally out of line to say something about it up front to him.
I love #2 though, this really is a message that needs to be heard more often in the church anyway.
rebeccad wrote:Our concern is that his parents are extremely orthodox members. They don’t allow their children to associate with anyone that isn’t a member of the church, and they don’t own a TV. His father has said before that he won’t let his children have any contact with anyone who is gay.
For what it’s worth, that view is NOT orthodox LDS in my opinion. I am glad you and other family members will be there to love your nephew if his parents do end up shunning him. I hope other church members will be kind as well.Shawn, point taken. I struggled with how to word that. They do and believe many things because of the church that aren’t taught by the church. If that makes sense. I’m not really sure how to describe their family or their beliefs.
I just hope he knows that there are people for him that will love him.
Quote:They do and believe many things because of the church that aren’t taught by the church. If that makes sense.
Oh, yeah. Makes complete sense – but they don’t do and believe those things totally because of the church. They believe and do those things because of who they are and how they see the world and are able to select quotes from church leaders over time to justify those things.
They are “buffet Mormons” just like all of us are – only on the other side of the coin.rebeccad wrote:Shawn, point taken. I struggled with how to word that. They do and believe many things because of the church that aren’t taught by the church. If that makes sense.
I’m not really sure how to describe their family or their beliefs.
I just hope he knows that there are people for him that will love him.
I meant it in a positive way, and I also struggled with how to word it🙂 I see what you mean about members believing and doing things because of the church. What we hear from the pulpit now is to love everyone, and I hope that becomes more “orthodox” (widely believed and practiced).Anyway, I really like Ray’s response about supporting your nephew.
Ray has some great advice on this. As a gay man myself, I think it’s very important to stress that gay people will talk when they’re ready, and not before. They also won’t talk about it unless they either a) have felt out the situation/person well enough to feel it’s safe, or b) have come to such a deep crisis that they either have to talk about it, come out, or self-destruct. The self-destruct part can take a couple of forms. One is the obvious–suicide attempts. Other ways of self-destructing include developing addictions to numb the pain, self-mutilation, participation in highly risky sexual behavior, and internalized self-hatred. There is a great resource that you can download from a group called the “Family Acceptance Project” that might be helpful for you to read and keep in mind. Here is a link:
http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/LDS-booklet I hope this helps!
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