- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
I didn’t want the title to be too explicit, but what I mean by “solo sexual purity” is masturbation and porn viewing. I know there have been lots of discussions on both topics, but my post is about a way I’ve come up with to teach my kids these topics. I wonder what you think of this idea. For masturbation, I realize that especially boys are going to do it no matter what. So I thought I will teach my kids that not masturbating is like other things we are asked to avoid, such as swearing, drinking alcohol, being angry, or lying. But like with many of those things, some people have a harder time being able to control themselves with these kinds of issues. So although I will encourage them to work towards self mastery and control their urges, if they do give in, they can just try to be better the next day. I hope this will help them avoid excessive guilt, but also help them know that it is not perfectly okay to indulge whenever they want.
For porn viewing, I will continue to teach them to respect other people and to not objectify others. I know they will be exposed to porn, but I hope that by reinforcing respect and personhood, when they do see them they can switch off the lust and remember that they are looking at a person with a real life and feelings. Also, as they get older I plan to teach them that some of the women involved are not willing participants, so it is exploitation they are involved with. I hope that aspect of it will take away some of the intrigue.
Do you think this is a good way to approach these topics? I worry about these things because I know they can become big distractions for some and I have personal experience of how these things can negatively affect a marriage.
Things would be so much easier if those dang kids just came with owner’s manuals. There are no magic beans Journeygirl, what works on one kid has a high likelihood of not working with the one next to him. I think your plan is fine and the proof will be in the pudding. What Dark Jedi said. I like your approach, and I really like not turning either topic into an extreme, guilt-fest.
I like your approach to porn. It’s about respect for others and understanding what is positive about real sex. Porn rarely (never) depicts the real world good things about sex. It’s unrealistic and distorts what is otherwise a beautiful and positive aspect of a meaningful relationship. I think the church is right oppose porn as I don’t think it’s a good thing. I just think they do it in the wrong way. They need a different approach.
I’ve not worked out how to teach my kids about masturbation yet. Interesting suggestions, thanks.
journeygirl wrote:I didn’t want the title to be too explicit, but what I mean by “solo sexual purity” is masturbation and porn viewing. I know there have been lots of discussions on both topics, but my post is about a way I’ve come up with to teach my kids these topics. I wonder what you think of this idea…For masturbation, I realize that especially boys are going to do it no matter what. So I thought I will teach my kids that not masturbating is like other things we are asked to avoid, such as swearing, drinking alcohol, being angry, or lying. But like with many of those things, some people have a harder time being able to control themselves with these kinds of issues. So although
I will encourage them to work towards self mastery and control their urges, if they do give in, they can just try to be better the next day. I hope this will help them avoid excessive guilt, but also help them know that it is not perfectly okay to indulge whenever they want…For porn viewing, I will continue to teach them to respect other people and to not objectify others. I know they will be exposed to porn, but I hope that by reinforcing respect and personhood, when they do see them they can switch off the lust and remember that they are looking at a person with a real life and feelings.Also, as they get older I plan to teach them that some of the women involved are not willing participants, so it is exploitation they are involved with. I hope that aspect of it will take away some of the intrigue…Do you think this is a good way to approach these topics? I worry about these things because I know they can become big distractions for some and I have personal experience of how these things can negatively affect a marriage. Looking back, I don’t remember my parents ever saying much about it but I still quickly picked up the idea that I shouldn’t ever do this according to the Church. To be honest, I don’t think anything my parents could have possibly said or done would have made much of a difference. The way I see it boys will be boys; you can try to discourage it but at some point they are going to make their own decisions about it and in many cases it is simply not going to be the decision you would prefer. It’s not like teaching that things like racism, sexism, etc. are wrong where it’s not that hard to feel some empathy and learn to have respect for people that are differnt from you in some way because in this case it’s more like directly fighting against nature. So even if men are thouroughly convinced that this is wrong and they shouldn’t do this it still doesn’t mean they are ever going to stop permanently in many cases and sometimes exaggerated guilt-trips about it will only result in depression, low self-esteem, and even suicide in the most extreme cases.
Families are special. The home is special. I cling to the teaching I have the authority to receive revelation (however you define that) for my home. I hope to make an environment in my home where the kids can ask questions and where I can raise important life lessons (even if awkward at first) with them and talk about it. My older daughters did before they left the house and went to college. Now I have 2 younger boys to go through with it. I don’t want them getting all their information from others because I was too scared to bring it up in my home. This includes the sometimes extreme or guilt-creating comments I hear at church that I don’t agree with.
The more information you have by multiple credible sources, the better armed you are with real life facts that will help them in the long run. Kids need boundaries, they need to know how to choose right from wrong, and how to recover from mistakes. To me, those lessons are even more important than where you draw the line in the sand on p and m.
But always keep the home a safe place for them to feel OK about themselves, and also things you want them to know before they find out from others (like if their breath smells…better to teach them at home good habits before they embarrass themselves in public).
I really like how you care about them having good and healthy relationships in the future. Sounds like you are approaching it right.
Beautifully said Heber. I hope to also have an ongoing dialogue more than a one time conversation. At this point (with kids ages 7 and 6) I focus on what wonderous bodies that they each have. Right now I tend to focus on the skeletal and muscular functions but I hope to tranfer that same tone to the reproductive systems when the time is right. One of our 4 basic home rules is to respect others and I see a direct correlation in this to how we treat others sexually as well. Thanks for all your responses. I agree that it should be an ongoing discussion, not just a one time talk. I think I was trying to come up with a way to avoid that guilt you refer to, DA. I know that that can cause a problem that M by itself does not. I really like the idea to make sure the home is a place they can feel good about themselves, Heber. That is most important to me too, that my kids can always tell me things because I will always accept them and help them with their mistakes rather than condemn them for it. I wish someone would have talked to me as a teenager about this. I just heard the stuff at church after I got baptized at age 14. I thought that there was something wrong with me and I felt like I was the only boy in the ward that would do such a terrible thing because I had not been raised in the church. I felt such shame until I was 18 and found out that all the guys at church had the same issues. I told my son to not worry about it too much and to not let it control their lives and that it is not a sin. I also told them to clean up any mess they make. I think we have a pretty good understanding. church0333 wrote:I wish someone would have talked to me as a teenager about this.
I wonder if people just fear that to acknowledge something that is considered sin is too dangerous. “We must shun the very appearance of evil” is the party line, so people don’t really know how to talk about it, without taking the extreme position of complete abstinence, and still be faithful. How does an adult leader say, “Well, you might drink a little at one party. It happens. Just keep trying and repenting and avoiding getting seriously carried away with it.”?? It seems they build the hedges up high, and then hedges around the hedges.
Journeygirl, Your approach seems level-headed and healthy to me. My approach with my 3 teenagers (one boy, two girls) is similar. We had the “talk” pretty early and try to be open about sexuality – I’ve told them masturbation is normal but that it should be controlled and not interfere with their lives and isn’t a sin. Pornography is forbidden to them although I’m sure they’ve faced and even experimented with it some. Don’t really know how to get around that except to explain that’s not how normal relationships work. I’ve worked hard to block it on all electronic devices in my home.
Frankly I’m more worried about an overzealous bishop, counselor, or YM leader laying on the guilt for my kids. I’ve actually thought about asking my bishop to respect me as a parent and leave masturbation to be handled by me and my wife. As a bishopric counselor once I had a mom prohibit me from asking her 14 year old son about it or she threatened that she and her son would never enter an LDS church again. I don’t have a great answer for how to counsel my kids in case they get a major guilt trip.
Roadrunner, I think it’s completely legitimate to remind them that neither the current handbook 1 nor the current strength of the youth manual mentions masturbation as a sin. They’re your kids.
DarkJedi wrote:Things would be so much easier if those dang kids just came with owner’s manuals. There are no magic beans Journeygirl, what works on one kid has a high likelihood of not working with the one next to him. I think your plan is fine and the proof will be in the pudding.
it’s the magic beans that worry me. If only kids would quit fiddling with their beans.
SamBee wrote:DarkJedi wrote:Things would be so much easier if those dang kids just came with owner’s manuals. There are no magic beans Journeygirl, what works on one kid has a high likelihood of not working with the one next to him. I think your plan is fine and the proof will be in the pudding.
it’s the magic beans that worry me. If only kids would quit fiddling with their beans.
:lolno: 😆 :wave: :clap: Sorry, I know I shouldn’t crack these jokes, but couldn’t resist it. Serious discussion… here are my thoughts –
1 – Vast majority of males and significant number of females have done it at some point.
2 – It is not the same as other sexual issues, as no other person is drawn into it.
3 – Bad teaching can seriously muck up a child, and give them serious anxiety and upset.
4 – Can lead to unrealistic ideation, and objectification.
5 – Kids have to be aware of the odd tricks their body will play on them. Wet dreams for example are a normal part of male puberty and not caused by conscious activity.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.