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DW sometimes says something about not wanting to “confuse” the children. I usually respond that if the opposite of confuse the children is to teach them only one way to believe and act and be then I vote for confusing the children. Katzpur wrote:
It truly breaks my heart, and no matter what anybody tells me, I blame myself. Yes, they have their agency, but somehow I must have gone wrong in raising them.
DW also feels significantly more guilt than I about anything related to the children. She is an amazing mother. Seriously, she is in the top 10 percentile and I am lucky to be co-parenting with such a competent partner. Katzpur, is it possible that your situation is similar and that you are being to hard on yourself?
Roy wrote:
DW sometimes says something about not wanting to “confuse” the children. I usually respond that if the opposite of confuse the children is to teach them only one way to believe and act and be then I vote for confusing the children.Katzpur wrote:
It truly breaks my heart, and no matter what anybody tells me, I blame myself. Yes, they have their agency, but somehow I must have gone wrong in raising them.
DW also feels significantly more guilt than I about anything related to the children. She is an amazing mother. Seriously, she is in the top 10 percentile and I am lucky to be co-parenting with such a competent partner. Katzpur, is it possible that your situation is similar and that you are being to hard on yourself?
It is certainly possible. But I do know that I could have done a better job of raising my kids as TBMs. It’s just kind of hard to do when you’re not one yourself. I don’t like how they are living their lives right now, but I do have a good relationship with them. I just can’t help but thinking, “What if…”
Katzpur wrote:I just can’t help but thinking, “What if…”
Going through “what if” is a common response for people that are in mourning. Ultimately, I believe it is helpful to realize A) that you did the best you could with the available information at the time and
no path is without risks. If you could go back in time and alter how you raised your kids it could have ended with a better result or perhaps with a worse result. Since we cannot know even precisely what your mistake was – spending time on regrets seems unhelpful. (I also recognize that we all do things that are unhelpful. I myself have anxiety that prevents me from building the confidence needed to get certain tasks done. My anxiety is not helpful but it exists all the same.)Katzpur wrote:
It is certainly possible. But I do know that I could have done a better job of raising my kids as TBMs. It’s just kind of hard to do when you’re not one yourself. I don’t like how they are living their lives right now, but I do have a good relationship with them. I just can’t help but thinking, “What if…”
We all could have done or could be a doing a better job raising kids as(insert adjective here including TBMs) if that is what was really desired. “What if’s” are going to be death of us moms, I think. We like to think if we had been “more righteous” that things would have been different, but I don’t know that is always true, or to the degree we think it.
PARABLE OF THE BABY DELIVERY:
With my last baby, I was determined to avoid going to the hospital early. I wanted to avoid being strapped down, and some of the side effects of the medications usually prescribed. My husband did not understand my concern and was all for planning for the interventions to avoid the pain. We had several discussions about it because I wanted to know he would coach me through the early part for as long as possible. He wanted me to tell him when to go to the hospital to get an epidural and deliver the baby. I remember talking to my dad and being deeply concerned about the whole situation. He counseled me that I could make preparations left right and center, and some of those would be good preparations and some would be pointless – and I wouldn’t know which was which until the narrative played out.
One day about 12 days before my due date, I woke with contractions every 10-25 minutes (ish). I went through my day yoga-breathing as needed. I got my oldest ready for school, got to work and managed my duties. I figure that I have about 2 days of this based on a “quicker delivery” then the 8 days it took last time so didn’t dwell on the contractions. The contractions stay the same (ish) – 7 minutes between a set, then 23 minutes between the next set, then 15 minutes, 15 minutes, then 11, then 8 ect. I work through my lunch because I think its a good idea to head home early (this is 9 hours after I woke up). I expect 3 contractions on my 35 minute ride home, but get 5 of them. [Yes, I had asked if my husband and mother in law could pick me up. No, they could not pick me up until my daughter’s bus arrived home first. I could hang out at work another hour, or pray and be as smart as I could driving home.I knew the places where I could pull over on the side of the road for contractions.] Once home, I do a lot of pacing and eat some food (“just in case” we end up going to the hospital around 2 AM). I take a shower and end up in transition (this is hour 10.5 or so from the time I woke up). About 3-5 contractions breaks the bag of waters and deliver the baby AT HOME all in about 10 minutes. I wound up catching her. I had read 1 birth story in part of my research that advised what to do (and that was mostly by chance).
Meaning:
1.
Do your homework – but expect to jettison it.I did prepare – I did read up on the situation and learn from my previous delivery. I tried to place my body in positions to encourage the baby to launch easily. 2.
Narrative writing is what happens when preparation meets life. But all that preparation minimally prepared me for what actually happened. She and I wrote the narrative as we went along. 3.
A lot of the grief and mis-communications may not be necessary.I worried my husband a lot by asking him to help coach me. My life was better when I realized that I could plan for myself to be my primary coach and rely on others as needed. 4.
There are always things that you wish you had said/done… 5.
Life has a way of handing you want in ways you don’t expect. I did what I wanted after all though – no epidural :crazy: This just came up on the ldsliving web site. I skimmed it & it looks reasonable. Use what you can & leave the rest. When I went totally inactive, the family followed. It occured during their formative years between 8 & 13.
They continued to do well in school, sports, relationships, etc. They graduated college, got jobs, got married & have
children of their own. The people they’ve married are good hard working, moral people. They have raised their children
to be well adjusted, happy & live by the golden rule. 2 of the 3 have joined organized religions & seems fulfilled spiritually.
My wife & I are active again & live the gospel on our own terms. We share what we are doing at church & our children share with
us what’s happening in their church. We will participate with them when we have the chance.
I refuse to feel guilty or ashamed because we do not “fit the mold”. (Whatever that is.)
My belief includes the idea that this is the gospel of 2nd chances (& maybe more than 2).
Imagine announcing this belief during F&T meeting. I have talked to friends at Church, whose opinions I trust & they tell
me they have the same belief.
One of the biggest surprises of my life is: I count my children & DIL(s) among my closest friends.
For now, nothing else matters.
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