- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-travis-bradberry/how-complaining-rewires-y_b_13634470.html This got me thinking about my life – I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I grew up in a family that complained a lot. A few people pointed it out to me when I was older that I tended to complain a lot. As the years have passed, I do it less, but it is something I have to watch for. I think it would be a good resolution for me to end on a good note, do solution-oriented conversation when there is a complaint, and to be more appreciative of the things that happen that are good…
Good article, just what I needed.
I am fortunate to have had a mother who was unable to complain. I know now it was both natural to her and a result of her schizophrenia medication, but it was a good thing to experience growing up. Due to her condition (triggered by worry and anxiety), my father also complained less than he might have otherwise – but he also was not a complainer by nature. I complain now and then, but I was raised to see and focus on the good. It is a wonderful blessing.
For me this is one of those things that causes issues when taken to eitherextreme. Overly excessive complaining probably isn’t the best plan but neither is complete abstinence from complaining. Bottling everything up inside can be even more stressful and damaging to one’s health. Sometimes we talk about a whitewashing of church history. We don’t completely agree with the idea that “some things that are true are not very useful.” If we completely deny negativity are we not whitewashing our interactions with others or not being true to ourselves? Can negativity and complaining be useful tools to connect with others and discover ourselves?
Jenna Maclaine wrote:There is darkness inside all of us, though mine is more dangerous than most. Still, we all have it—that part of our soul that is irreparably damaged by the very trials and tribulations of life. We are what we are because of it, or perhaps in spite of it. Some use it as a shield to hide behind, others as an excuse to do unconscionable things. But, truly, the darkness is simply a piece of the whole, neither good nor evil unless you make it so.
If not for people complaining some may feel completely alone in their struggles. The raised complaint may help people find connections …or lose them… again, referencing the extremes.
nibbler wrote:Bottling everything up inside can be even more stressful and damaging to one’s health… If we completely deny negativity are we not whitewashing our interactions with others or not being true to ourselves?
I agree that there is nothing inherently wrong with complaining now and again. I think it can be very cathartic. I have complained about the quality of Church talks as recently as yesterday, for example. However, I don’t think that people who complain less are necessarily just holding it in, burying negativity deep inside to explode at some future point. By-and-large, I’m similar to Curt who said:Old Timer wrote:I complain now and then, but I was raised to see and focus on the good. It is a wonderful blessing.
It’s not that I don’t give voice to negativity inside me, it’s just that I focus more on the positive by nature. As an example, my view on repentance is a bit different from the normal dogma. I view repentance as a positive action; a change in lifestyle to conform more to the image of what I see as right. I don’t see it as a sorrowful reaction to something I’ve done in the past. The past is the past. I can’t do anything about that. The remainder of my life will be spent entirely in the present and future. Similarly, I don’t see baptism as washing away sins, but rather as a symbol of joining with the Cause of Christ to go on to a New Life. Hate me all you want; I just don’t see the world as a set of pitfalls to be avoided, but rather as an opportunity to be lived with Gusto. Why am I that way? No idea. But it does sadden me to see people whose go-to reaction to everything is “this is dumb”. What a terrible way to live life!Perhaps it’s rooted in one’s nature. Just as you don’t know why you are mostly positive a person that is mostly negative would similarly ask themselves, why am I that way? No idea. How much of a person’s orientation towards being positive or negative is rooted in biological or environmental factors? Or, for example, does a kid raised by extremely abusive parents come out of the trial being positive while in an alternate universe that same kid turns out negative simply because of some correct or incorrect choice that was made? How much can a person that is positive change to become a person that is negative and vice versa?
I’m not saying anyone here is doing this but “quit complaining so much” probably is going to make a person that is wired to be negative become less negative, in fact if they are indeed wired that way it will likely come across as another event that negatively impacts their life. A shame cycle.
Edit: I realize I’m probably arguing the case for a minority but if there’s a spectrum there’s a spectrum.
nibbler wrote:How much of a person’s orientation towards being positive or negative is rooted in biological or environmental factors? Or, for example, does a kid raised by extremely abusive parents come out of the trial being positive while in an alternate universe that same kid turns out negative simply because of some correct or incorrect choice that was made? How much can a person that is positive change to become a person that is negative and vice versa?
I think this goes hand in hand with free will and choice. I am a big proponent of limited choice. Everyone makes choices, but not all choices are available to all individuals. Even for the choice possibilities in your personal queue, not all are equally possible. Free will is hounded in, curtailed, and trammeled by many variables.
However, I also believe that choices can and should be made within our sphere of influence. It comes down to the AA prayer. “Strength to change what can change…Patience to accept what cannot change… and Wisdom to know the difference.”
To apply this to the conversation at hand, perhaps an individual that is wired to be 90% negative could manage to be 80% or 70% negative – that may or may not be beneficial or important to them.
So, as many of you know, I suffered a lot from depression a while back. It was debilitating. I finally got in to see a counselor that worked for me and I was able to revector myself. I didn’t have to go on any drugs, but one thing I realized and had to retrain myself on was seeing too much of the negative. I hadn’t always been that way, but I did wind up there. I had to force myself to search for the good. Eventually, I was able to do so. What I learned from that long, dark period was that negativity feeds on itself and becomes stronger. The more negativity I found, the more negative I became. The more negative I became, the more negativity I found. After awhile, it was choking out everything in my life. It was a chore to get out of bed or stand up from the table. Doing anything took tremendous effort. An exact quote from OON to Mrs. OON: “Life sucks. I know that now.” But, thankfully, I was able to get help. Even going to a counselor felt like wasted effort, and it didn’t help that I had two strikeouts with counselors who didn’t work for me. But I stuck with it and I can’t even say for sure why, except that my wife, who just didn’t understand when I told her how much life sucked kept trying everything she could and I probably kept trying, as much as anything, because of her pleading, encouragement, patience and love.
What I eventually discovered was that I was making life worse by my own actions; a lot worse. What I found after a long time was that life was better than how I was seeing it and I needed to focus on the positive and on what I could control much more than I had been. Honestly, I never thought I would smile again, but it turned out that life has been wonderful since I was finally able to beat that. It wasn’t a flip of the switch. It was a slow, gradual, sustained effort. It’s hard to believe for me now, that I was ever there, just as it was hard to believe then that I would ever be here.
So, from my own perspective, I do believe that seeking out the negatives and then voicing complaints about them does seem to lead to more negativity. Conversely, seeking out the positives and acknowledging them does seem to lead to more positivity. Not in a phony way, like complementing a really ugly tie, but in a real way, noticing that the sunset is pretty. It helps that I am by nature positive and optimistic, with a high degree of self-efficacy. So, being driven into depression was something counter to my natural state. That probably helped in my effort to climb out of it.
Lastly, as an example I sometimes think about, a few years ago (long after my depression had ceased), I was on my way to the slopes. The snow report had lots of fresh powder there, but when I got there, there was newish snow, but the powder had already been tracked out the previous afternoon, so it was a bit of a disappointment. That morning, I was riding up the lift with some strangers; a man and woman. They mentioned that they were disappointed in the snow and kind of were complaining about it. I said, yeah, but it’s still a beautiful day up here and powder or no, the snow’s in great shape. I can remember how the guy was kind of embarrassed that he’d been complaining so much and he had to say that, “Well, you know, that’s right, it is a beautiful day… I guess it’s not so bad after all.”
We live in an age of easy outrage, and it really is self-perpetuating. I had to back away from some of the political coverage to which we all were exposed during the last month of the campaign, since I literally could feel it starting to change my outlook as soon as I began to see it each day. I still tried to be aware, but I couldn’t dive in like I had been doing.
I strive for balance and moderation. I figure if I can’t recognize good in all its forms I have lost something important to my soul – an element of being whole, complete, and fully-developed.
Reminds me of my favorite take on the optimist/pessimist 
[img]http://demotivators.despair.com/shirts/pointsofviewshirt.jpg [/img] I really have to laugh at the “sexist” one. And before anybody accuse me of being a male chauvinist pig because I think it is funny, there are plenty of women that call their husbands, “Honeybun”.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.