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Hello–I am wondering how to handle resentful and/or bitter feelings when a perceived injustice has been done? I am currently working through some issues I have towards some members of the church and how they have handled situations with my own children and extended family members. How do you help young adults work through situations where they have been embarrassed and/or publicly humiliated within a church setting (usually by a member who is in an authoritative position)? I went off on a tirade with this topic earlier and then realized I was generalizing and speaking out of anger instead of actually putting into words what the real issue is, so I deleted that post and replaced with this one…
First of all, I am sorry for whatever it is that you have gone through with this. Is the pain you are referring more yours or your family members? What are you doing to work through yours? Would you be able to have your young adult family members use the same healing modality you are using?
How would you handle it if it were not in a church setting? For instance if it was with a teacher at school how would it be different? Does it make a difference to take it out of church context? Does that even make a difference?
conflicted wrote:Hello–I am wondering how to handle resentful and/or bitter feelings when a perceived injustice has been done? I am currently working through some issues I have towards some members of the church and how they have handled situations with my own children and extended family members.
How do you help young adults work through situations where they have been embarrassed and/or publicly humiliated within a church setting(usually by a member who is in an authoritative position)? It is frustrating, that’s for sure. Personally I don’t expect much out of the Church anymore. The truth is that the Church is far from perfect and so are the people. For example, I still wouldn’t dare drink coffee at work because I worry about what my TBM co-workers that know I’m a RM would think about me in that case. Sure in an ideal world they shouldn’t judge and disrespect me over something like this but that doesn’t change the reality of the situation so sometimes I would rather just pick my battles carefully. I don’t know what to tell you; I guess you could tell anyone that has been hurt that you don’t think this was fair and they are still a good person or maybe you could try to confront the one that made the decision. Who knows what the best thing to about things like this is in each case? I look at it as just a typical ignorant reaction by self-righteous members that think they are right to judge each other and if you let them get to you it will be a never-ending source of aggravation.
opentofreedom wrote:How would you handle it if it were not in a church setting? For instance if it was with a teacher at school how would it be different?
That’s a good point. I often feel like being called into the Bishop’s office is a lot like being called into the Principal’s office
I guess I feel that if an injustice was done with my child, or relative, at school I would feel more than comfortable going in and talking about the situation with the teacher/admin, etc. I don’t feel that way when it’s a church situation–especially if the person my child, or relative, has “sinned” yet I feel that the consequences are unjust and don’t “fit the crime” so to speak. I guess I just feel like that is not supporting the leaders of the church and makes me seem like I am questioning their authority.
Having said that, I have told my children that
I don’t believe that it’s necessary to confess everything to the Bishop–no matter what he asks you–that being honest with your parents and the Lord are the most important.I have left the rest up to them and have also told them they don’t HAVE to meet with the Bishop every 6 months and they can walk out if they start to feel uncomfortable. (My children are all teens or young adults) DevilsAdvocate wrote:I look at it as just a typical ignorant reaction by self-righteous members that think they are right to judge each other and if you let them get to you it will be a never-ending source of aggravation.
I hear what you are saying–I guess I’m just struggling with when and how to pick my battles. I get like a mama bear when people play “guilt games” with those around me. I’ve carried too much guilt my whole life for never feeling like I was good enough and constantly feeling torn between trying my best each day and the whole “repentance” process–which, I must confess, has never made me feel better once I’ve gone through it–except when it’s just between me and the Lord and anyone else involved (if needed). I’ve never felt better after talking to a Bishop.Conflicted, OHHH! I see, it is about “sinning”. That is a tricky one… I worry about the same exact thing. My oldest is 12 so I worry about what he learning in church regarding guilt. I think that much of the principles or ‘laws” that this religion proposes
canbring us happiness and lead us to the right direction but often times I hear it offered from a place of fear. I personally don’t think God works that way. I don’t think He micromanages us and thinks of us as sinning. So, why would I tell my child that he needs to go repent when I don’t think it was a SIN.
I love that you said :
Quote:I don’t believe that it’s necessary to confess everything to the Bishop–no matter what he asks you–that being honest with your parents and the Lord are the most important. I have left the rest up to them and have also told them they don’t HAVE to meet with the Bishop every 6 months and they can walk out if they start to feel uncomfortable. (My children are all teens or young adults)
I feel the same way. I DO want them to be open and not feel the need to have secrets. And sometimes I think having a safe person that they look up to would be a great way to go and if that person was a leader who they trusted and I trusted then yeah. However, I don’t want them to be told that they are “unworthy” for doing X, Y, Z.
I am really curious as to how I will respond in the future. My first instinct reading this is to go in and talk to the authority figures. Tell them how you feel, but if that sounds too hasty then maybe let it sit for a while. How do your kids/relatives feel about the said “punishment”? Are they OK with it? Are they hurt? Do they know that you don’t see it as a sin or that the consequences were unjust?
For some reason my neighbors are coming into my mind. They have a daughter who LIVED with her boyfriend for over 2 years, in their house, before they were married in the temple. I was her young women leader and I am 90% positive that they were sexually active at some point. In my TBA state I was the most judgmental B!@#@ about it b/c as a missionary we were not allowed to baptize a couple who cohabited unless they were married first. I could not BELIEVE that the bishop “let” them get married in the temple when they were CLEARLY living together. Now I look at it in a whole new light. If they wanted to get married in the temple then hurray for them. Let them! but I could not get over it until my faith crisis. This makes me grateful for new insight and learning. I wonder if the mom (who is VERY outspoken and liberal) went in there and sold her point of view. ?? I don’t know? I look up to her more than I used to.. that is for sure. They seem to live the religion the way they want. Sorry if that was random and didn’t relate… somehow in my head it does.
😆 I agree with DA that I no longer expect too much from members. Many of them are great people but they are still people with limitations. Some others are not what I would define as great people and must be accepted/tolerated. Which prings me to my next point – Boundaries. It sounds like you are already setting some boundaries to help in this situation. I remember one staylds poster that wanted a local church leader to stop texting his kids. I have also heard of parents that insist on being present during bishop/youth interviews. Whatever boundaries you need are ok and the organization will manage fine. They might give you strange looks and wonder ehat your problem is – but that is on them.
conflicted wrote:I guess I feel that if an injustice was done with my child, or relative, at school I would feel more than comfortable going in and talking about the situation with the teacher/admin, etc. I don’t feel that way when it’s a church situation–especially if the person my child, or relative, has “sinned” yet I feel that the consequences are unjust and don’t “fit the crime” so to speak. I guess I just feel like that is not supporting the leaders of the church and makes me seem like I am questioning their authority.
At my kids school I would go in as an equal partner. Because I am a man and dress professionally – I tend to get almost immeadiate brownie points. (BTW this really irritates my wife. She has sacrificed so much for our kids and yet people are so impressed that I took the time and interest in my kids to show up.) I could go at any problem as a copartner with the school in trying to address the problem behavior.
In the bishop’s office I could never be co-equal. If he wanted to he could make life difficult for me. Disagreements about how to move forward could be seen as lack of loyalty.
I currently have a great bishop but I tend to dislike going into his office. His office particularly for me seems to be where the balance of power tips and makes me feel uncomfortable.
Quote:In the bishop’s office I could never be co-equal. If he wanted to he could make life difficult for me. Disagreements about how to move forward could be seen as lack of loyalty.
Quote:However, I don’t want them to be told that they are “unworthy” for doing X, Y, Z.
Exactly, exactly, exactly! You all are so much better at putting into words what I’m struggling with
To answer some earlier questions, the “injured” parties have basically moved on–my extended family member still talks about the incident with bitterness but he also has decided not to waste his time dwelling on it (the situation happened two years ago although I just found out about it). He is still very active in the church.
My own child has moved on as well but he wants nothing to do with the church–he had some very bad experiences with church leaders–every time we stepped in and supported him but that didn’t change their “decisions”–thus the parental bitterness of my post. My son isn’t really bitter or resentful, he just tends to laugh at the situation and say things like, “they don’t own me” and “It’s really between me and Lord and I’m at peace with that”. I think I am just now dealing with my feelings of everything and have, because of my son, set boundaries. I wish I had set better boundaries for him though and maybe things would be different now.
I think I am also struggling with the repentance process–I just really don’t agree that the Bishop needs to know everything.
opentofreedom–the story about your neighbors–I can very much relate. I would have acted and thought the same way as you, until I went through the last few years with my son and have started my “faith crisis”. It does bug me that we need to advocate for our children in this church–I mean, what does that say about our church and the local leaders??!!! Bottom line–I just want my children to know that they are loved, here on earth and in Heaven, NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO, even if they never tell the Bishop. I also don’t want them carrying a big chain of guilt around because they feel like they will never be “worthy enough”. I want them to fully accept and appreciate the Atonement–not feel that to truly accept Christ’s sacrifice for us, we have to be publicly humiliated, discussed in meetings, and embarrassed. Am I way off base in my thinking? I get pretty emotional about all of this so my logical part tends to disappear…
I have a few thoughts. First I was noting that the way people in authority behave is based on how they perceive authority. That doesn’t mean we have to see authority the same way we do. I for one would like to see authority as someone who believes we have more potential than we see ourselves, but who also loves and accepts us even if we disappoint temporarily. And thy should motivate us to want to be our best selves. Guilt is not moivating IMO. If you have harmed another person, I think that guilt is an appropriate response. But wallowing in it doesn’t help us be our best either. I also think we need to help our kids find their own footing with authority. We should listen to them, inquire about what is going on, give advice, be a sounding board. Only if they cannot after attempting it work through it on their own productively should we intervene. They need to learn it eventually. We all do. It’s not adulthood to cower before authority like so many are prone to do.
Well said hawkgrrrl…thanks for the advice!
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