I am Abandoned

[Anonymous]

I have two older brothers and two older sisters. Oh, and I also have two younger brothers and two younger sisters. I’m the middle child of a large family. I was quite free to roam and get into trouble, and that’s what I did. I wasn’t protected much and didn’t feel safe. This is a very short and simple version of the history of this aspect of my life.

For 15 years, I have visited family doctors, nurse practitioners, psychologists, and psychiatrists. I have been on many different medications. I spent some time in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. I am thankful I have not experienced psychosis, though. I have just had old fashioned depression and anxiety.

Despite effort on my part to live right, I have often felt abandoned by God. What good does it do to have a mental illness? Sure, it helps me to have empathy for others with a mental illness, but then why does anyone have mental illness? What if I am so fundamentally flawed that I need a “thorn in the flesh” to keep me in line? And I think the meds I’m on actually makes me less able to feel the Spirit….

It’s very difficult to feel loved by God. I have mostly resolved my concerns about church history and stuff, but this is still an issue for me.

[Anonymous]

I know more then a few people in not to different circumstances.

I myself have been through more then I or more family cares to

Think about despite having lived the gospel in a very strict and even unrealistic manner.

I’ve watched some of the nicest people in the world suffer repeatedly by people who should have been thier most trusted.

Although their is a measure of “god chastises those he loveth” it doesn’t explain a lot.

In all honesty I havnt seen a god that gets intimately invloved with people much. But I have seen on occasion unexplainable events that broke (defy)science laws as we know them.

Prayer and scripture help for small problems.

But large problems really require a lot of work. I guess what I am trying to say is I love my fellow man(women) and god with all my heart. Many things we have yet to recieve revelation on. In part because as a collective group we haven’t done our part of the work enough or aren’t ready as a group. We believe in the basic laws of the universe that god must obeyed by.

One of those is the I believe is the gene(DNA). It’s complex and and together with the complex brain we just beginning to understand. Depression is linked somewhere in there. Both in the brain and in the Serotonin levels.

I believe in a loving god. I chose to have faith in that loving god even though thier are a lot of things not understood when nice people suffer. As a few have pointed out we can be as gods to each other of we help build and uplift each other. No need to wait for miracles or Zion. It is a community effort. I believe we should be less reliant on god in the sense of expecting him to do what we should be doing by loving and supporting each other.

[Anonymous]

With reguards to meds, they all have side effects. Some of them can place the body on a state of feeling less emotion or spirit. If this is the case I might suggest talking with the doctor or a different doctor to see if it might be better on a diffferent med or even off of it(sometimes people are misdiagnosed).

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your response! I do believe in a loving God deep down. Since I’ve tried many medications, I know the current one works better than others. However, I recently started taking an additional med and might stop the one that reduces emotions. I hope it works out.

[Anonymous]

nephite, while we may not see eye to eye on what is “out there”, i hope can agree that god communicates to us in our minds and in our hearts–in other words, “in here”.

our minds are a miracle–a delicate balance of many different components — like software and firmware programs — all orchestrated together into a system so powerful, so miraculous, so amazing. our consciousness is only part of that story: we also have a separate nonconscious self…in gospel terms: our divine nature.

the restored gospel of jesus christ gives us unique insight into some very powerful concepts, not otherwise available in christianity. to most christians, an unsaved soul is totally depraved–hateful to god. yet we believe that our spirit is already a child of god with a divine nature. as well, we believe that original sin is no longer relevant due to the atonement. these two concepts: that we have a redeemed (from the fall) divine nature, should put into perspective that we are loved, infinitely and unconditionally, by god.

our internal nonconscious self — our divine nature — is the conduit to god’s love. gospel doctrine teaches us that we are born with a veil — a separation between our divine nature and our consciousness. we have forgotten who we really are. yet we have been given a sense of that nature through the light of christ given to all mankind. sometimes we teach that the light of christ is our conscience, but it is more than that–it is a window into our divine nature.

i have suffered through depression and addiction, through various mental challenges large and small. my wife, too, suffers from serious clinical depression and anxiety. after many years, we found the right balance that works for each of us…and we have found peace. one obstacle to that peace was the sense of guilt and punishment we felt when we thought that our melancholy was due to our sins and lack of faith, and that taking meds (“drugs”) is a sign of weakness. how wrong that is. we would never question going to a doctor and taking antibiotics for an infection, why should we object to taking meds for mental/emotional illness?

but drugs aren’t the only answer. in fact, at this point, i take none, and my wife just one. we needed drugs through times to stabilize things, then, by working a program of centering meditation, exercise and prayer, our stability has increased, and love comes in a lot more.

i echo what forgotton-charity said about reducing expectations on god to fix things. instead, i turn it around: my prayers ask for little, and gratitude becomes more important. as well, centering meditation is to focus on that which centers my spirit and emotions. there are many techniques, but most important for me as an LDS, is to focus on the realization that god loves me as his child. it was because i had a manifest personal spiritual experience of that love, that I felt a release from addiction. i have relived that experience over and over. and for this manifestation of god’s love, i am eternally grateful.

this has been my experience. i know each if us are different, but i feel your pain.

(((nephite)))

[Anonymous]

I was asked to speak once in a ward I was visiting – last minute, since the assigned speaker was sick. The topic was faith and how to exercise it.

As I sat on the stand thinking and praying about what to say, I felt a very strong impression to share with the congregation the examples of two people – my mother (who is schizophrenic) and a good friend from a previous ward (who suffers from depression and is bi-polar). I did so at the very beginning of my talk, with the explicit statement that I agreed with the previous speaker with regard to most members, but that I wanted to talk to anyone in the congregation who felt overwhelmed and guilty every time someone spoke about faith and how life is so much better if we only exercise more faith. I then went ahead and talked about how faith really is enduring to the end in the face of not knowing or experiencing confirmation – that, for some people, simply getting out of bed and attending church knowing they would hear messages that worked for others but would hurt them was the supreme act of faith.

I won’t share the rest of this story, but I will never forget the rest of that day. I will thank God for that revelation (the uncovering of something I had no way of knowing on my own) for the rest of my life.

I thought of that experience again as I read this post, so I hope sharing it again was inspired, as well.

[Anonymous]

wayfarer wrote:

i echo what forgotton-charity said about reducing expectations on god to fix things. instead, i turn it around: my prayers ask for little, and gratitude becomes more important. as well, centering meditation is to focus on that which centers my spirit and emotions. there are many techniques, but most important for me as an LDS, is to focus on the realization that god loves me as his child. it was because i had a manifest personal spiritual experience of that love, that I felt a release from addiction. i have relived that experience over and over. and for this manifestation of god’s love, i am eternally grateful.

I like what you said about gratitude. I also think I could focus on the realization that God loves me. I have to confess I don’t even pray much.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

I was asked to speak once in a ward I was visiting – last minute, since the assigned speaker was sick. The topic was faith and how to exercise it.

As I sat on the stand thinking and praying about what to say, I felt a very strong impression to share with the congregation the examples of two people – my mother (who is schizophrenic) and a good friend from a previous ward (who suffers from depression and is bi-polar). I did so at the very beginning of my talk, with the explicit statement that I agreed with the previous speaker with regard to most members, but that I wanted to talk to anyone in the congregation who felt overwhelmed and guilty every time someone spoke about faith and how life is so much better if we only exercise more faith. I then went ahead and talked about how faith really is enduring to the end in the face of not knowing or experiencing confirmation – that, for some people, simply getting out of bed and attending church knowing they would hear messages that worked for others but would hurt them was the supreme act of faith.

I won’t share the rest of this story, but I will never forget the rest of that day. I will thank God for that revelation (the uncovering of something I had no way of knowing on my own) for the rest of my life.

I thought of that experience again as I read this post, so I hope sharing it again was inspired, as well.

I came across the following from Elder Wilford W. Andersen:

Quote:

I do not wish to minimize the reality of clinical depression. For some, solutions to depression and anxieties will be found through consultation with competent professionals. But for most of us, sadness and fear begin to melt away and are replaced by happiness and peace when we put our trust in the Author of the plan of happiness and when we develop faith in the Prince of Peace. Link [emphasis added[

That blows me away. It’s interesting that he acknowledges some people don’t experience the happiness and peace that are supposed to come by having faith. I like the story you shared. I do believe I can have more happiness and peace than I now have, though. I need to meditate like wayfarer suggested and exercise.

[Anonymous]

Hi Nephite,

I don’t pretend to know much about this topic. I do believe that you are always loved – even if we can’t always feel it.

Reading your situation, I can’t help but think of the following introduction: http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=2629

It is from WJClerk and I felt that the postings there on this topic were very insightful.

Your friend,

Roy

[Anonymous]

We do have choice to be grateful for what we have, rather then disappointed in what we don’t. Comparing our lives to others, I just can’t see how that leads to happiness. Even if we have a better life we might see what others lack but need.

In my free time, I love to go camping in Yosemite or Sequoia national park. Even Zion or Bryce. Hiking and rock climbing, sometimes in seclusion looking at what I feel are soon of the most grandest creations on earth. Feeling the peace and serenity and wonder of it all, figuring it all out in my mind through the billions of years it took to get to this point. Riding my motorcycle through the mountainside contemplating the grandeur of the harmony and splendor of the wildlife and giant

Sequoia trees. It really is a stop and smell the roses moment. Especially when life gets rough or hectic we tend to do that the least ironically. There is a lot of little things to appreciate if you stop and take the time to look and realize that it and we are all connected. Appreciate the diversity of it all.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I read wjclerks’ story and I hope he’s doing better now.

[Anonymous]

Two things come to mind:

First off, this is a VERY common feeling among people who go through faith transition. They just don’t have those same feelings of “the spirit” or of a loving heavenly father watching over every aspect of their life (like the “footprints in the sand” type of view of things). So don’t feel like it is just you, or that you have done something different than a lot of others who have gone down this road. It doesn’t happen to everyone. Many people report moving into new feelings that are different. I feel like I am one of those. I rarely feel like I used to, but I would never say I no longer feel “the spirit” or the presence of God. In fact, it is much more abundant in my life at this point than before. But it is very different. I personally do not feel like a “child of God” anymore. I describe it as becoming a friend of God. It seems positive to me. I think it’s what I was supposed to do, the road I take in my journey.

Second, even according to the New Testament story of the atonement, Jesus “lost” the spirit at one point. He cried out as he felt like the Father had forsaken him during his last moments on the cross. So even Jesus had a period where he felt this profoundly. It makes sense though. At some point we achieve victory over the world, but it’s only our true victory if we are standing on our own two feet.

[Author]

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