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Divorce isn’t on the table right now. (Not like we could even afford it.) But in ten or fifteen years? One or more of the children is going to leave the church, and DH will have to divorce me as punishment for my failure. And I did try to work on my depression. I really did try. I was seeing a (non LDS) therapist but God took away my husband’s job as punishment. So now I fear what He will do if I don’t learn my lesson and try and fix myself, in some future day when I have the money and time. Will He give me cancer? Will He target my kids? I’d rather not find out.
My question about leaving the church was largely hypothetical. It’s not just the Mormon God I have a problem with. I mean, all of Christianity has to grapple with the sexist, genocidal tyrant of the Old Testament. And they all largely try and explain it away using the same logic. “Sure, it looks bad but God is not a jerk!” I don’t buy that anymore. If I’m going to be a misotheist/dystheist, it really doesn’t matter what church I do it in.
However… Just to throw a wrench into the whole thing: The last time I was at the temple (which was years ago and that’s by design) I got a very strong impression, “You have to leave the church.” Now obviously that impression didn’t come from God but who DID it come from? How did Satan sneak into the temple to whisper falsehoods into my ear?
:wtf: I am sorry for your struggles Joni – Both the physical events and the meaning you have drawn from them. We see God very differently, Joni, so all I can do is offer my supporting ear and heart – and ask you again to figure out how you personally WANT to feel about God. What do you want God to be like?
Once you answer that, believe in that God. Even if you believe you can’t express it openly to others, hold onto it inside yourself. There is no indisputable proof that God is any particular thing, so believe in a God you want to believe in – no matter how your desired God would be viewed by others.
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