I come "partly out of the closet" to my daughter

[Anonymous]

Well, as some of you know, my daughter attended a fireside reluctantly last week and found the Bishop wasted her time that could have been invested in more productive activities, like project and homework and time with family that she wanted. This led to discussion about the balance of priorities between Church and personal priorities, and it came up again this week.

She asked me what I thought about how much time a person should spend in Church callings and such. I responded that “I’m unorthodox, so the way I look at it is a lot different than other Church members”. This led to her asking what “unorthodox” meant and I explained that I view things in the Church differently than a lot of people.

She said “like what?”. Well, I could have launched into a whole variety of things, from tithing, to garments, to “never say no to a calling” and so many other statements and even doctrinal beliefs we have.

So, I broached a less hard core topic (in my view)– such as the woman ALWAYS staying at home and the man working, which the Church has implied over the years. I said that it’s not always healthy. And gave situations where it’s NOT a good idea, in my view.

Like when the woman hates staying at home, loves working, loves earning a good living, and the man would rather stay at home and raise children, and is good at it. Or the woman who can’t have children, but who is married (like my wife was for a decade).

She just listened. I have no idea what the impact is at this point, and how this will play out as she gets older. This was a rather light issue, I believe, but it has me scared about what could happen as she goes deeper in her questioning. She comes to me regularly with questions beyond her years, but they have been mostly relationship-oriented questions and non-Church until recently. But with the Fireside, that seems to be changing.

Comments?

[Anonymous]

SD, I think these are very important discussions to have with your kids, and it sounds like you went through the right line of thinking, not vomiting all pent up issues you have studied over a long period of time, but with a good dosage, picking one that might have meaning to your daughter and plant that seed, and watch her reaction.

The timing of these conversations is critical also. When they bring it up and you have an opportunity to be impromptu and honest on a subject that pertains to real life, that is good.

I think having these little conversations here and there as the opportunities arise is a great way to open up and share ideas with your kids that help them see you for who you are.

I think you did well. :thumbup:

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think you did a great and a not that good job – but that’s coming from my parser’s soul, so take it for what it’s worth.

I think you did a great job not dumping everything on her. I think you did a great job explaining your view on the topic you picked to share. I think you did a not that good job actually portraying the Church’s current stance on that topic, if you didn’t mention that the Church no longer takes the universal, extreme stance it used to take. I know you said “implied over the years” (and Pres. Benson did more than imply), but it now has “implied over the last few years” a very different message than that the woman should always stay home (as outlined in the Proclamation to the World, for example) – and the Church has NEVER stated that it is a case of always. Iow, there have always (perhaps with a very few exceptions) been disclaimers and exceptions in the Church’s statements about that topic, even in Pres. Benson’s famous talk. (The case of wives without children is a head-scratcher for me, frankly, since I’ve never once heard anyone in any leadership position say that those without children shouldn’t work. Did a local leader say that to you and your wife?)

I also think you overshot the mark by skipping the question she actually asked (How much time should a person devote to a church calling?) and branching off instead to your own pet peeves about which she didn’t ask.

You asked, so I answered honestly. I do think, overall, you did a great job – but I just don’t think your answer (at least as it’s written here) was accurate or answered her actual question.

[Anonymous]

I think I said in another thread that I did answer the question of priorities, so I skipped that answer in this post, which was the follow-up conversation. I mentioned in another thread that one needs to decide how much time one puts into Church callings when there are competing demands on your time. That not all Church activities are of equal value and you have to prioritize.

During that portion of the conversation, I think we concluded that next time a Church activity comes up and she’s got a lot of homework and other priorities, we could talk about it and determine whether the fireside is the place she needs to be or if other priorities are more important. I did mention that at one time, I made the sacrifices to do everything people asked me to do at Church at all costs, and that I finally realized it didn’t always make me happy, and wasn’t always the best thing. And I mentioned that Church responsibilities have the potential to run you ragged if you do every single thing people want you to do.

And as a personal follow-up, my wife came home and was pushing me to go to the General Conference priesthood meeting this coming weekend. I think this was because the RS had been telling the sisters to push their husbands to the meeting.

Upon reflection, these last two years I have cut Priesthood meeting out of my spate of meetings (Stake and GC ones) lately as I found it created angst. Consistent with my conversation with my daughter, I asked my wife “What is the priesthood meeting on so I can determine if that particular meeting is of value to me, or if I’m better at home with you all”. She said she didn’t know, that is was just whatever the brethren felt we all needed to hear right now.

I answered that wasn’t good enough for me anymore, that at this point in my life, I need to know what the topic is on before I can invest valuable time in attending the meeting. The conversation ended there, with my wife a bit disgruntled….

I find I have to be a really good husband in other ways to compensate for being a less committed priesthood holder. The pressure the Church puts on families to make one behave disturbs me as I try to find my own way through this commitment crisis.

I

[Anonymous]

Thanks for that additional input, SD. I agree totally with that approach for someone in your current situation.

[Author]

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