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Hello. This is my first post on here. I am a convert to the church.. baptized when I was 17, inactive.. party girl, until I almost died and then decided I would start going to church. I got sucked in and 6 months later was getting married in the temple. So anyway… I don’t know if I have always had a secret anger towards my husband because of this or not. I have become more comfortable in the church now.. It has been 8 years since I started coming again. I am in the Primary presidency and whatever else.. Anyway, I decided to read the book Rough Stone Rolling and it completely threw me off! I learned so manythings that you don’t learn in church that I almost left the church. Even joined Post-Mormon and then decided to ban myself from it. (meaning I had them take me off completley so I can’t access it from my computer) I have been slowly seeing great things in the church.. however.. Some of the huge doctrinal issues still really bother me. So.. Do I just continue doing my part and ignore all these things… or do I continue to search them and then I know I will evenutally leave the church. My mom was baptized a couple years after me but not really much active.. never really liked the church. Her and her husband left the church and now go to Calvary Chapel and are taking courses on why Mormon beliefs are wrong. I can’t talk to my husband about it. Every time I do we end up arguing.. He has been a member his whole life and still believes it all. I am so lost I don’t know what to do! Also.. I have had this anger towards my husband I think because I feel like I maybe married him because I had noone else at the time.. but I love him.. etc. I think the church has alot to do with this because I feel SUPER LIMITED! For instance… I don’t think it is bad to have a glass of wine every once in a while.. I don’t do it but I don’t think it is a big deal.
So sorry for this long and sporadic post.. but please HELP!
daisymomster wrote:Hello. This is my first post on here. I am a convert to the church.. baptized when I was 17, inactive.. party girl, until I almost died and then decided I would start going to church. I got sucked in and 6 months later was getting married in the temple. So anyway… I don’t know if I have always had a secret anger towards my husband because of this or not. I have become more comfortable in the church now.. It has been 8 years since I started coming again. I am in the Primary presidency and whatever else.. Anyway, I decided to read the book Rough Stone Rolling and it completely threw me off! I learned so manythings that you don’t learn in church that I almost left the church. Even joined Post-Mormon and then decided to ban myself from it. (meaning I had them take me off completley so I can’t access it from my computer) I have been slowly seeing great things in the church.. however.. Some of the huge doctrinal issues still really bother me. So.. Do I just continue doing my part and ignore all these things… or do I continue to search them and then I know I will evenutally leave the church. My mom was baptized a couple years after me but not really much active.. never really liked the church. Her and her husband left the church and now go to Calvary Chapel and are taking courses on why Mormon beliefs are wrong.
I can’t talk to my husband about it. Every time I do we end up arguing.. He has been a member his whole life and still believes it all. I am so lost I don’t know what to do! Also.. I have had this anger towards my husband I think because I feel like I maybe married him because I had noone else at the time.. but I love him.. etc. I think the church has alot to do with this because I feel SUPER LIMITED! For instance… I don’t think it is bad to have a glass of wine every once in a while.. I don’t do it but I don’t think it is a big deal.
So sorry for this long and sporadic post.. but please HELP!
I think this is a good step you have taken, already. Many times we need to express ourselves and just get it said.
I wonder about your comment on leaving the Church if you learn more… That has not been the case for me, although clearly it got me closer than if I had just stayed ignorant. Yet I can’t help but feel that if you learn and seek and desire truth, leaving the Church will turn out NOT to be an inevitability. Or, if it does become necessary, it needn’t be the last page in your story. I am stronger in the Church (according to me) than ever today, and truly the Lord has been doing wonderful things in my life.
Have you heard of the phrase “If you meet the Buddha on the path, kill him!”? Sometimes the Holy Ghost cannot teach us, because in the place that correct beliefs should be, are somewhat ‘incorrect’ beliefs. We need to eradicate the error, that we can freely learn the truth. The balance in that process is the trick, and it is *not* easy. I have had many doubts in the process and can say that faith in God is paramount. Critical. Trust the spirit to teach you Truth. Trust in God’s love and desire for your happiness.
Some things the Spirit teaches us are not for other people. Learning to accept that and balance that can be a real challenge. J. Reuben Clark once said “The Lord has taught me many wonderful things, and He would teach me more, if I could just learn to keep my mouth shut.” Sound odd? Yeah. But I know it’s real.
I think I had to lose my blind unthinking belief in the Church before I could learn the reality of how wonderful and useful and divine it really is. I still know the Church is true, but in a different way that I could not have conceived of before.
I noticed that you have not mentioned the Spirit in your post— has that not been a part of your LDS Church experience?
Oh! …and welcome!!
HiJolly
Welcome, welcome…and I echo HiJolly’s comments in that the ability to have a place to go and truly express your feelings honestly and not feel judged is very healthy…I have found that here and have begun to be very active in posting my thoughts and searching answers based on what others post. It feels good to get it out, even if I think my family would be surprised at some of my comments. I think that God wants us to search for truth in our lives, the truth that sets us free of our fears and worries. Because I believe in this, I can search things in the church history, general conference, book of mormon, and sources outside the church that are uplifting (American Gospel by Erik Reece, for example). I think that if the church really is true, then what do I have to fear in searching for answers and asking questions and doubting what I believe. (Although I don’t feel angry anti-mormon stuff is uplifting or truthful, just a spitting war and of little value in my search for truth).
I feel I can release the anger and resentment by believing in a personal journey that God will lead me through, and I don’t have to agree with what others think, in or out of the church. I need to know what I think, and be at peace with it.
The feeling to me has been liberating, and peaceful. Like the way HiJolley put it:
Quote:I think I had to lose my blind unthinking belief in the Church before I could learn the reality of how wonderful and useful and divine it really is. I still know the Church is true, but in a different way that I could not have conceived of before.
Ask questions, read and study and listen to your heart and spirit, and follow Ray’s guidence to do so without having to be angry at others for it.
I’d be interested to hear what some of the things are that your eyes were opened to that have really made you think (or doubt). You are not alone in learning these things, yet the church may not need to be all false because of some things that don’t seem to make sense. Then again, some things people say in church that they think are absolutely true, may not be so true either. It is more a personal relationship with God, kind of like the parables Jesus taught, they can be understood at different levels depending on the listener/reader.
Welcome and I hope you feel at home here. There are good people in this forum that want to hear your experiences.
Thank you guys for responding.. and yes.. it did feel good to get it out! As far as spritual experiences… I have had some… but seem to forget them very easily. I don’t ever feel like I get answers etc. I have been trying to look for them but still haven’t gotten that “feeling”. So question for you.. How do you guys get closer to the spirit personally? Is it still by prayer, scripture study, etc?? I have been studying the scriptures and still don’t feel much closer. daisymomster wrote:Thank you guys for responding.. and yes.. it did feel good to get it out! As far as spritual experiences… I have had some… but seem to forget them very easily.
➡ Sounds like me when I was younger. I actually forgot, for a few years, the experience I had at the age of eight of the baptism of Fire. I guess I can blame it on hormones or angst or whatever. I am just grateful that as I began to *do* God’s will (obey the ‘rules’ in spirit and in (my) truth) and begged Him for help, He restored the memory of that experience in perfect clarity. What a gift!daisymomster wrote:I don’t ever feel like I get answers etc. I have been trying to look for them but still haven’t gotten that “feeling”. So question for you.. How do you guys get closer to the spirit personally? Is it still by prayer, scripture study, etc?? I have been studying the scriptures and still don’t feel much closer.
For me, it’s different based on where I was/am in life. I’m almost 50 now, and today I get it through gratitude, primarily, though this may just be the frosting on the cake. At the core, and when I was younger, it came through service.
The more I did selflessly and freely for the Church and people in the Church, the more I ‘felt’ the Spirit. Obeying the commandments? Well, kinda, though there were some I couldn’t obey for decades. Even though I tried.
What was really cool was when the spirit started teaching me the ‘why’ of all the commandments.
HiJolly
daisymomster wrote:How do you guys get closer to the spirit personally? Is it still by prayer, scripture study, etc?? I have been studying the scriptures and still don’t feel much closer.
I felt the same way for many months. Prayer, scripture study, and church attendance just didn’t make me “feel” closer to God. In fact, it frustrated me. I think because I was trying so hard to feel it out of desparation or fear I might not ever feel it again. And of course, that isn’t the right frame of mind for me to feel at peace.
By studying new material that helped me look at things in more loving ways towards people (inside and outside the church), I started feeling more at peace again and feeling I was being led to God’s truth in a new way than I thought before.
Like HiJolly, different times I feel it with service, or a kind word to a youth, or reading an uplifting book, and sometimes just by watching the sun go down or playing ball with my son in my back yard. I no longer try to force the experience, and then I seem to find it flows to me when I’m doing good things. I find I enjoy church more now and have good experiences.
Maybe that doesn’t make sense. Sorry, just what I think I’ve experienced recently. Hopefully it is of value to read.
How do you guys get closer to the spirit personally? By identifying the characteristics of godliness (Christ) and tackling one at a time for a month – by trying to be just a little better at it by the end of the month. It’s done wonders for me over the last two years.
Also, by letting go of the desire to be perfect now – by treating it as a process, not an event. Actually, “letting go” is a big part of it and applies to LOTS of things.
You might be interested in the following posts here:
“Finding Peace and Light Amid the Mists of Darkness” (
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=216 “Personal Focus” (
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=82 Welcome to the site. Thank you for sharing your story with us a bit. I get closer to the “spirit” by reading people’s personal stories and trying to understand them. I think I am probably a bit different than some that post here. I am not really a spiritual person in the traditional sense. I don’t try to speculate on God, his characteristics, doctrines, Joseph Smith, etc. For a time, I did, in order to deconstruct my orthodox testimony. I certainly have a few opinions on the matter, particularly on Joseph Smith, the early church, and the current authoritarian nature of the church, but all in all, it doesn’t matter that much to me anymore. I don’t try to “feel” the “spirit,” or take as evidence of an external reality any thoughts, emotions, or feelings. I like to help people and feel good when I do it. I go to church because I have my whole life and when I don’t go – I miss it. I don’t get any particular spiritual satisfaction out of it per se, it’s just sort of comfortable for me. I view the church as a utility, or a tool to enable me to actually do the things that make me feel good, like helping others, listening to personal stories, etc.
I wouldn’t consider myself atheist, agnostic, or believing. I think I have elements of all three and don’t like assigning a label to myself. I just am what I am – trying to find my bliss in life!!
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