I Feel My Life is Over

[Anonymous]

I don’t have much time now, but I want to say that I also like mom3’s post. I let her know via PM.

[Anonymous]

Reuben wrote:

One of the first things I did when I told my wife about my FC was apologize. I knew she would feel the loss at some point. She finally cried about it for the first time last week.

I sincerely hope you can find a way to grieve together instead of separately.

I have apologized several times. I know it sucks for her.

mom3 wrote:

My advice – Even against your depression or dark hours – if you want a marriage and family life with her you need to give a ton of support and caring to her. More than you have ever done in your life.

If you can’t stomach church – Can you keep Christianity in your home and life?

Verbally and emotionally support her continued attendance. No matter how much it hurts you. You owe her this.

If she is at church functions take care of the house and family. Have meals ready, the place clean like she likes it, let her tell you about her experience (show no judgement).

I agree I should support her. I tried to stay a Christian, but it’s gone now. Everything religious is like Bill Cosby to me now. I just can’t watch the Cosby Show anymore.

Heber13 wrote:

Perhaps the dream is dead…but we get to make new dreams again. There is real beauty in that. Knowing that there is a new day, new dream, new experience…and a way to find peace through hope.

Amen. I like that.

Heber13 wrote:

I suggest you find all the resources you can to help you peel your onion back to the core, and look for ways to find hope again for the future. Love your wife as much as you can. Accept that you can only do what you can do. Love yourself equally as much. No matter what your path ahead, you need to find the hope that can guide you. Depression meds, counseling, shedding the past BS that is holding you back

I would like to do this. I really hate my meds. I quit taking them for 8 or 9 months recently and it didn’t go well. My brain is literally dependent on the artificial increase of serotonin.

nibbler wrote:

Not necessarily. You’d be amazed by how much kids like it when adults shoot straight with them. Kids will eventually lament that church is boring. When most adults are trying to convince them that it isn’t you can score points by saying, “Yeah, it is super boring.”

You’re right. I will still be their dad. I should have said that I will be supplanted as the priesthood leader in the home.

nibbler wrote:

Shawn wrote:

I told her I don’t want someone else to baptize our baby girl, but I’m not going to do it.

Hmmm… that’s a difficult position to place someone in. Is this another way of saying that you don’t want your daughter to be baptized?

That’s not what I was trying to say at the time, but I actually do not want her to be baptized. There is no good answer.

Minyan Man wrote:

I & members of my family have used professional help through the years & it has been a HUGE help.

It doesn’t necessarily go on forever. It is worth the effort.

A lot of what I say in situations like this sounds like a cliche. And they probably are. Cliches can work too.

Thanks, man. I am looking into getting therapy. Too bad it’s ridiculously hard to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Roy, thanks for your posts!

Roy wrote:

Shawn wrote:

I was thinking last night about how my wife and kids will repeatedly hear references to a “worthy priesthood holder” and “eternal families” at church. I will be supplanted as the father figure in the family….

Shawn, this seems like extreme thinking to me.

The church does not get to tell you or your family that you are not a “worthy priesthood holder” or that your family is not an “eternal family” and especially not that my marriage “just can’t work”.

Well, I don’t consider myself to be either a worthy or unworthy priesthood holder because I don’t believe the priesthood is real, and I have said this to my wife. The church will continually lead my family to believe that our eternal togetherness is in jeopardy, and I can’t stop that. It’s held over our heads as a tool to get us to pray, pay, and obey. My wife has been horrified about our eternal status as a family, as I once was, while hundreds of millions of other Christians don’t seem to fret over it.

Roy wrote:

I matter to my family more than the church matters to my family. I tuck them in at night and apply first aid to their injuries. I help them with their homework and cheer for them at their events. The church is just a system – a cold construct. It cannot be a father. You are your children’s father.

My wife would choose the church over me for sure. My kids have a different perspective, though.

Roy wrote:

As far as churchy stuff goes, I preside in our home (assign prayer duty). I baptized my children even though I haven’t paid tithing in years and rarely attend church. I plan to confer the priesthood to my son when he comes of age to pass on the priesthood line of authority I inherited from my father.

I usually don’t lead in family prayer because I don’t want my family to do it at all right now. I still pray by myself, but not in the Mormon way. I usually start out with something like, “Oh God of the universe, if there is a God….” I ordained my son a few months ago, but I spoke from my heart and didn’t believe God was guiding me at all. The funny thing is that is was just like all the other blessings I’ve participated in. I do not plan on doing any more ordinances.

Roy wrote:

If the purpose of religion is to help us to get through this roller coaster of life, then what aspects of Mormonism would be helpful to you in this life – right here, right now?

I know that not all situations are alike, but I also do not think that it needs to be all in or all out. Peter priesthood RM or open apostate. I have found a measure of peace and sustainability in a middle way.

I only like the social aspect of church. I have great neighbors and I like being with them. However, I’m not going for a middle way. I would resign right this moment if it wouldn’t break my wife’s heart. I need to StayLDS at this time for her.

[Anonymous]

Shawn, you said:

Quote:

I am looking into getting therapy. Too bad it’s ridiculously hard to make it work.

Why do you say it’s hard to make it work?

Never be afraid to try something new. I have seen where it has worked for a number of people. It could work for you too.

(More cliches)

[Anonymous]

Minyan Man wrote:

Shawn, you said:

Quote:

I am looking into getting therapy. Too bad it’s ridiculously hard to make it work.

Why do you say it’s hard to make it work?

Never be afraid to try something new. I have seen where it has worked for a number of people. It could work for you too.

(More cliches)

I’ve actually seen a few therapists over the last 20 years. I’ve also seen my family doctor, a nurse practitioner, and a psychiatrist. I have not had therapy for several years, though. I tried to find a therapist again a couple years ago. It took a month to get in to see a guy and then he told me it was a mistake that someone had referred me to him and he couldn’t see me due to insurance issues. So, I could get an appointment with someone, wait some weeks to see him or her, and then see if it’s a good fit. It could take months to start treatment. I know, I should be more positive and starting the search now is better than doing nothing.

[Anonymous]

This may seem weird but what does make sense or peace in your life right now. (That is not said in judgement.) I am looking for what bricks and mortar you feel comfortable with. Even if it’s agnosticism or athiesm. It would help me consider ideas if I had a better sense what you felt you were present convictions. Even just character traits.

Thanks

[Anonymous]

mom3 wrote:

This may seem weird but what does make sense or peace in your life right now. (That is not said in judgement.) I am looking for what bricks and mortar you feel comfortable with. Even if it’s agnosticism or athiesm. It would help me consider ideas if I had a better sense what you felt you were present convictions. Even just character traits.

I don’t sense any judgment 🙂

I don’t declare that god is unknowable to everyone, but I don’t believe in any type of god at this time, so I guess I’m somewhat agnostic. I’m bummed about it because I would like for there to be a god. There is no concept of god that makes sense to me now, though. Maybe there’s a race of people on some faraway planet who have mastered peace, joy, and immortality. Something like what is referred to in the movie Contact. I would love to join them.

[Anonymous]

That’s pretty much where I am with God right now, Shawn. Your prayers sound an awful lot like mine. I think that’s where DarkJedi is as well, and probably quite a few more here. We get you.

Shawn wrote:

I’ve actually seen a few therapists over the last 20 years. I’ve also seen my family doctor, a nurse practitioner, and a psychiatrist. I have not had therapy for several years, though. I tried to find a therapist again a couple years ago. It took a month to get in to see a guy and then he told me it was a mistake that someone had referred me to him and he couldn’t see me due to insurance issues. So, I could get an appointment with someone, wait some weeks to see him or her, and then see if it’s a good fit. It could take months to start treatment.

Do you have online therapy options? When I was still in the US, my insurance company was pushing online offerings, so I know they’re available in some places.

Online therapy is all I can get right now, in this country that’s so willfully ignorant of mental health issues. As far as I can tell, a lot of the staff for the online mental health clinics do it in addition to their daily general practice, because they see a clear need and want to help. Reduced overhead allows online clinics to charge patients about half of what they’d pay at a regular clinic. In my case, that’s very helpful because none of it is covered by either national or private insurance. I haven’t felt like the experience is reduced by not sitting with the psychiatrist in person, and he’s terrific.

I think right now you need therapy more than you need anything religious.

We have a young man in our ward who is an avowed atheist. The bishopric keeps trying to get me to invite him to things like priesthood preview. I’ve been politely ignoring them about inviting him to do things, but next time I’ll speak my mind. It’ll go something like this. “He’s gone off script. The last thing he needs right now is for us to try to force him back onto the script. What he needs most is to learn that there are men he can trust. Then he can start to let go of the hate toward his abusive father that cankers his soul. And then we can talk religion.”

Shawn wrote:

I know, I should be more positive and starting the search now is better than doing nothing.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that just deciding to be more positive doesn’t work very well.

When I was deep into depression caused by sleep apnea, I couldn’t bring myself to make an appointment to see a sleep specialist. I knew I needed to, but I couldn’t keep my mind on the need because thinking about it was exhausting and it felt pointless anyway. It was easier to lose myself in work and video games. In the end, I went because my wife arranged everything for me.

Can you ask your wife for help? You don’t need to do this alone.

[Anonymous]

Shawn wrote:

I don’t declare that god is unknowable to everyone, but I don’t believe in any type of god at this time, so I guess I’m somewhat agnostic. I’m bummed about it because I would like for there to be a god. There is no concept of god that makes sense to me now, though.

I’m just tossing out ideas here. Can you experience god vicariously though your wife? This is going to sound ultra-condescending but it’s not intended to be… similar to the way that children remind us of a much more innocent state of existence. To put it another way, grow to appreciate her connection with god and maybe leverage that to rediscover god for yourself? Just an idea.

Shawn wrote:

Maybe there’s a race of people on some faraway planet who have mastered peace, joy, and immortality. Something like what is referred to in the movie Contact. I would love to join them.

Even if they make you wear white shirts and ties all the time?

[Anonymous]

Shawn,

I’m so sorry. I think I get a little of how you feel. I’m going through a similar situation with my wife. We have other issues that divide us, but faith (or lack thereof) is certainly at the core. I have lost my faith that the Church is “true” or led by God, yet I realize that many (or even most) people that attend are fulfilled spiritually by attending. My wife certainly is.

I’m still orthoprax and hold a calling, but going to Church is sometimes really hard – even toxic to me. The only way I can deal with it now is to treat it as a completely man-made organization, with both good and bad. I like to hold on to that which is good, and just dismiss anything that doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t even try to wrestle with whether it is “true” or inspired anymore.

I wish I had answers. I’m just a fellow unbeliever that is struggling to keep my sanity and family intact. Know that you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

If I am being honest, I do concede that there is a fair possibility that there is no God and no afterlife. But how would it benefit anyone to run around shouting this from the rooftops?

Shawn wrote:

Well, I don’t consider myself to be either a worthy or unworthy priesthood holder because I don’t believe the priesthood is real, and I have said this to my wife.

Yes, the priesthood might not be a mystical power from God. I received my “priesthood” from my father, who received it from his father, and then it moves pretty quickly back to JS and Jesus. What is the harm of believing that a 12 year old boy is given the power and responsibility to help and bless others? What is the benefit? What is the harm of laying my hands on my son’s head and welcoming him to a “club” of men that he can hopefully look up to? If we are all staring annihilation in the face then what really matters? In my estimation what matters are the relationships that we build with each other. I am coopting certain elements of the church to help me build meaningful relationships.

Shawn wrote:

The church will continually lead my family to believe that our eternal togetherness is in jeopardy, and I can’t stop that. It’s held over our heads as a tool to get us to pray, pay, and obey. My wife has been horrified about our eternal status as a family, as I once was, while hundreds of millions of other Christians don’t seem to fret over it.

My kids do not know that I do not pay tithing. At tithing settlement, I went in first to declare my portion and then we brought in the kids. My kids do not need conflict, they need comfort and stability. Our family is a forever family. I choose to believe that our closeness continues in some way after the grave (even if only in the sense that we are buried next to each other in a family plot). Temple marriage in a pretty way to look at it. DW and I were married in the temple so why not use that teaching to help reinforce that our kids have a sense of belonging that will never depart from them? Someday, when they are ready, I may share the secret ingredient to our “foreverness”. It is not a castle-like temple or ritual words coming from the mouth of an authorized individual. Our family is “forever” first and foremost because we say it is. Second because we serve each other in love.

If “priesthood” and “eternal families” and even “God” are just make believe concepts then why not own them and use them to help ease the frightening and risk filled journey we call life? Be the captain of your own ship so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Reuben wrote:

Online therapy is all I can get right now, in this country that’s so willfully ignorant of mental health issues. As far as I can tell, a lot of the staff for the online mental health clinics do it in addition to their daily general practice, because they see a clear need and want to help. Reduced overhead allows online clinics to charge patients about half of what they’d pay at a regular clinic. In my case, that’s very helpful because none of it is covered by either national or private insurance.

That sounds interesting. I’ll see if DMBA would cover it.

[Anonymous]

Just want to clarify that you don’t want your family to have family prayer or let your daughter be baptized? Just checking to make sure that’s correct. I understand if she doesn’t want to be baptized, but if she does, why not let her? And why not let your family have prayer together? Hopefully I’m not jumping to conclusions. I am worried though with these things that if you’re not allowing your family to do religious stuff, it may drive a wedge between you and them. Similarly to how them forcing you to do religious stuff causes you a lot of inner turmoil.

[Anonymous]

nibbler wrote:

Can you experience god vicariously though your wife? This is going to sound ultra-condescending but it’s not intended to be… similar to the way that children remind us of a much more innocent state of existence. To put it another way, grow to appreciate her connection with god and maybe leverage that to rediscover god for yourself? Just an idea.

I doubt that could work because she follows the LDS view of god. Interesting thought, though.

nibbler wrote:

Even if they make you wear white shirts and ties all the time?

Haha. Well, if they have mastered peace, joy, and immortality, then they certainly aren’t caught up in such silly requirements 😆 .

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

What is the harm of laying my hands on my son’s head and welcoming him to a “club” of men that he can hopefully look up to? If we are all staring annihilation in the face then what really matters? In my estimation what matters are the relationships that we build with each other.

This is exactly the philosophy I’ve adopted. It’s sort of a twist on Pascal’s wager. I don’t believe much beyond God and Christ but at this point but by actively serving I’m hoping I can “do more good than harm” to my family and the people in my ward.

That being said my wife know the extent to which I (don’t) believe and every once in a while when I’m tired or grumpy I remind her and it brings nothing but tears and sadness. We are on a lonely trail in this life and so are our spouses.

[Author]

Posts