- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
One problem I have experienced is that if you call me, you get me! Not some person you have conjured up in your imagination and expect to conform to your expectations. Ultra-orthodox are supposed to all be clones. The apostates call us Morgbots. Not true! We had a new EQP called several years ago, a real ram rod as it turned out. He had lived in the ward for about 6 months and been in the nursery about 5 of those months. On Sunday I work or go camping with non-LDS scouts frequently so he had never met me. He was sitting there, in cognito, the week before being sustained, looking the quorum over for counselors while the instructor droned on about the lesson topic , family home evening. I made one smart remark trying to liven up the discussion: “How do we keep family home evening from turning into family home screaming?”
This did launch a somewhat interesting discussion. (For me it was supposed to be a joke, perhaps for him it was a real and timely issue). After church he pulled me into a room and asked me to be his first counselor. He did not know that: I have repented of home teaching and will not motive (torment) others into it. I am not there that often. I don’t follow lesson manuals when teaching. The quorum should do more community service which is most efficiently organized by other bigger churches. Terminate the moving committee. Pot luck dinners after church every week. Tear the basketball standards down in the gym and get some soccer goals for the front lawn…. If this is what he thinks the Lord wanted, this is what he was going to get.
But, but, but,… He had been so inspired! I told him perhaps he needed to go back and pray some more. Which he did and after talking to others in the ward he called someone else and avoided me for months.
MockingJay wrote:I think this is a huge problem in the church and a reason why many leave the church. It has played a minor role in my FC.
DevilsAdvocate wrote:…many members will just outwardly go along with them mostly because they feel like they are always supposed to do what they are asked to by Church leaders…
SilentDawning wrote:One case in point is that I spent a decade believing the church supported education because it enobled the spirit and blessed the educated person’s ability to earn a living. Then GBH mentioned in conference that he’s big on education because “it increases the members’ ability to serve in the Church”. I call it church ego-centrism. I’ve learned that it exists in all churches and organizations (based on my community service recently) but it’s a huge issue in the LDS church nonetheless. I am with you on this.
I needed to find this thread. I have been writing one in my own mind and hoping to post a new thread soon. I still might so I get all the attention
So here’s the deal. I had said no a few times to some callings that were to time consuming for my life situation but I finally agreed to accept a calling (assignment) as 1st counselor to the YM Pres. Actually a pretty sweet calling but I was going to night school two night a week in addition to my 2-1/2 hr round trip daily work commute. Add in study time and my spare time was gone. We also didn’t have a Scout Master and I was asked to unofficially fill that role. In summary, for a few years this calling altered my life and dashed the goals I was working on, caused me to drop my classes mid semester and has upset me so much that I cannot stay tuned in to the spiritual part of our religion. That’s not all I gave up and I won’t go into the responses when I appealed to my bishop and other leaders. I have recently been relieved of duty and called as deacons adviser, a reasonable assignment but I’m afraid I am not spiritually up to the task entirely. I either scoff internally or at least question most of what I hear now. I find myself becoming really agitated often in ward or stake conferences and especially in SM (I have left my seat and walked out on speakers). If I were to be honest I would have to say I am dreading the upcoming GC. Have I hijacked this thread? I’ll start a fresh one if I should. This is only half of it and I really need a resolution because my facade it starting to crumble. Soon it’s going to be all about my attitude and history leading up to it will be lost on the trail. If I’m out of place here I’m sorry. I know the suggestions are to talk to my bishop. Why do I not feel that is the right place to start?
I really feel that this needs to begin and end with personal boundaries. The problem is that we do not teach boundaries well. There are talks that say that a husband & wife should not both be in high demand callings. There are talks that say the members are not there to staff the church. There are talks that mention people who are just tired and burnt out.
But they seem to be drops in the bucket compared to the cultural sea of teaching that tell us to give, and give, and give – and if that doesn’t make you happy then you are not doing it right.
roy is right — boundaries are not well taught or even encouraged much. At least, not in the day to day culture. Quote:I either scoff internally or at least question most of what I hear now. I find myself becoming really agitated often in ward or stake conferences and especially in SM (I have left my seat and walked out on speakers). If I were to be honest I would have to say I am dreading the upcoming GC. Have I hijacked this thread? I’ll start a fresh one if I should. This is only half of it and I really need a resolution because my facade it starting to crumble. Soon it’s going to be all about my attitude and history leading up to it will be lost on the trail. If I’m out of place here I’m sorry. I know the suggestions are to talk to my bishop. Why do I not feel that is the right place to start?
I no longer go to the leaders with this kind of stuff. I found they weren’t very caring when I had similar issues. So, what I would recommend it set your own boundaries. If you don’t want a calling, refuse it. Remember, happiness is the object and design of our existence as JS said. Ask yourself — will accepting this calling or assignment make me happy? If not, think hard about whether to accept it.
Also, think about things you enjoy doing, and do those things. If you feel badly about being a bench-warmer, then volunteer for assignments that you feel you can do on an episodic basis. We are volunteers at church — we’re not conscripted or enlisted — we give of our time freely. When church service starts interfering with personal happiness, then it’s time to make changes — and put it in its proper place.
Manage the local leadership in the process. Be vague but hopeful in your answers for future church service, don’t rant to the leaders about the things that bother you — remember, it doesn’t have to be about the church all the time — unless you want it that way.
SilentDawning wrote:We are volunteers at church — we’re not conscripted or enlisted — we give of our time freely.
We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er; Happy are we! Happy are we!
SilentDawning wrote:roy is right — boundaries are not well taught or even encouraged much. At least, not in the day to day culture.
I no longer go to the leaders with this kind of stuff. I found they weren’t very caring when I had similar issues. So, what I would recommend it set your own boundaries. If you don’t want a calling, refuse it. Remember, happiness is the object and design of our existence as JS said. Ask yourself — will accepting this calling or assignment make me happy? If not, think hard about whether to accept it.
Also, think about things you enjoy doing, and do those things. If you feel badly about being a bench-warmer, then volunteer for assignments that you feel you can do on an episodic basis. We are volunteers at church — we’re not conscripted or enlisted — we give of our time freely. When church service starts interfering with personal happiness, then it’s time to make changes — and put it in its proper place.
Manage the local leadership in the process. Be vague but hopeful in your answers for future church service, don’t rant to the leaders about the things that bother you — remember, it doesn’t have to be about the church all the time — unless you want it that way.
Everything I’ve learned about setting boundaries I learned here, a little late but good for the future. My current problem is not about boundaries now, it’s about the resentment I hold inside due to the derailment of my life changing goals. I can’t get over it. I can’t get past it.
That is a different issue — the resentment. I feel it too. I made a number of huge, life decisions that caused me a lot of misery because of the Church’s influence in my life. I won’t go into them, but they were expansive and caused me a tremendous amount of misery. How to manage the resentment? I have a few suggestions.
1. Start having new, fulfilling experiences serving others in different contexts. I did so in the community and found it very rewarding on a number of levels. I find that the new experiences displace the resentful ones. There have been times when I’m posting here that I can’t remember the details of what set me off about 4 years ago, and landed me here. I have to think about it as those experiences are a much smaller peace of my pie now.
2. Elevate your conscience above the “conscience” imposed by the church. What do YOU really think about all the church imposes on you? Decide what you think and live it, without dismissing it. Liberate your thinking that way. I find that taking control of my will again helped me feel less resentment as I felt empowered to live my life as I see fit. It seems like a neutralizing force against the resentment. I ca’t change the decisions I made “under the influence” (if the church).
3. Let time wear it away. Some of the most unsatisfying sermons’ I’ve heard have been about forgiveness, the need to forgive seventy times seven. How it only poisons the soul to resent others, etcetera. How forgiving others means I get forgiveness myself, and if I don’t forgive, there are consequences worse than what the offender receives.
None of these help me move past it. For me, it’s time that dulls the resentment, like drops of water wear away granite. Let time wear away the pain and the resentment. Accept that you are that way, and try to minimize the hurt, and resentment however you can.
I analogize my tendency to hang on to bad experiences too long a lot like Abe Lincoln and Winston Churchill’s thinking orientation. They both suffered from depression. This didn’t change much through their lives, but they lived very productive lives in spite of it.
So, I’m not saying to go Pollyanna and get past the resentment now. But I am saying this — Don’t let the resentment interefere with living a productive life that involves service to others, and growing your character.
Some will say you have to eradicate the resentment and forgive to have peace. I find this is darn near impossible.
SilentDawning wrote:
2. Elevate your conscience above the “conscience” imposed by the church. What do YOU really think about all the church imposes on you? Decide what you think and live it, without dismissing it. Liberate your thinking that way. I find that taking control of my will again helped me feel less resentment as I felt empowered to live my life as I see fit. It seems like a neutralizing force against the resentment. I can’t change the decisions I made “under the influence” (of the church).I like how you stated this SilentDawning. I had a non-member friend say to me a while ago that the church only had control over me because I let them have it. My first thought was that she just did not understand, but she was right.
Kipper I too struggle with the resentment, I so wish I could get past it. I feel like it is so hard to move forward dragging all this anger that I can’t seem to conquer. It is starting to get better, but it is very slow.
I have walked out of a few of the “Perfect Obedience” lessons because I knew it would just fuel my anger. I think I will continue to skip them for a while. I took a “break” from callings for a while that helped a lot. I find that even very small things that happen bring back the full force of my hurt. I try to avoid some of the situations where that is likely to happen, but unless I become a hermit I can’t avoid them all. I find if I look at something, like a talk in SM by itself and not in the context of all the other bigger things that I am angry about it is easier to deal with. It is really hard and I am not very successful. I need to put less in my pile of things that make mad not more. The big things I am most resentful and angry about are real and never should have happened, but I can’t allow some “sweet spirit” that doesn’t understand what they are saying destroy my peace.
:eh: I am not explaining this well.SilentDawning wrote:That is a different issue — the resentment. I feel it too. I made a number of huge, life decisions that caused me a lot of misery because of the Church’s influence in my life. I won’t go into them, but they were expansive and caused me a tremendous amount of misery.
How to manage the resentment? I have a few suggestions.
1. Start having new, fulfilling experiences serving others in different contexts. I did so in the community and found it very rewarding on a number of levels. I find that the new experiences displace the resentful ones. There have been times when I’m posting here that I can’t remember the details of what set me off about 4 years ago, and landed me here. I have to think about it as those experiences are a much smaller peace of my pie now.
2. Elevate your conscience above the “conscience” imposed by the church. What do YOU really think about all the church imposes on you? Decide what you think and live it, without dismissing it. Liberate your thinking that way. I find that taking control of my will again helped me feel less resentment as I felt empowered to live my life as I see fit. It seems like a neutralizing force against the resentment. I ca’t change the decisions I made “under the influence” (if the church).
3. Let time wear it away. Some of the most unsatisfying sermons’ I’ve heard have been about forgiveness, the need to forgive seventy times seven. How it only poisons the soul to resent others, etcetera. How forgiving others means I get forgiveness myself, and if I don’t forgive, there are consequences worse than what the offender receives.
None of these help me move past it. For me, it’s time that dulls the resentment, like drops of water wear away granite. Let time wear away the pain and the resentment. Accept that you are that way, and try to minimize the hurt, and resentment however you can.
I analogize my tendency to hang on to bad experiences too long a lot like Abe Lincoln and Winston Churchill’s thinking orientation. They both suffered from depression. This didn’t change much through their lives, but they lived very productive lives in spite of it.
So, I’m not saying to go Pollyanna and get past the resentment now. But I am saying this — Don’t let the resentment interefere with living a productive life that involves service to others, and growing your character.
Some will say you have to eradicate the resentment and forgive to have peace. I find this is darn near impossible.
SD to find somebody with a similar experience and who can relate is something I didn’t expect. I can honestly say I know how you feel and you can say the same, that is rare in these circumstances. When my planned early retirement at age 60 comes and goes which is not too far away, it’s going to be “darn near impossible” but you took time to suggest a few ways to manage it so thanks.
Mrs. SuperChicken wrote:SilentDawning wrote:
2. Elevate your conscience above the “conscience” imposed by the church. What do YOU really think about all the church imposes on you? Decide what you think and live it, without dismissing it. Liberate your thinking that way. I find that taking control of my will again helped me feel less resentment as I felt empowered to live my life as I see fit. It seems like a neutralizing force against the resentment. I can’t change the decisions I made “under the influence” (of the church).I like how you stated this SilentDawning. I had a non-member friend say to me a while ago that the church only had control over me because I let them have it. My first thought was that she just did not understand, but she was right.
Kipper I too struggle with the resentment, I so wish I could get past it. I feel like it is so hard to move forward dragging all this anger that I can’t seem to conquer. It is starting to get better, but it is very slow.
I have walked out of a few of the “Perfect Obedience” lessons because I knew it would just fuel my anger. I think I will continue to skip them for a while. I took a “break” from callings for a while that helped a lot. I find that even very small things that happen bring back the full force of my hurt. I try to avoid some of the situations where that is likely to happen, but unless I become a hermit I can’t avoid them all. I find if I look at something, like a talk in SM by itself and not in the context of all the other bigger things that I am angry about it is easier to deal with. It is really hard and I am not very successful. I need to put less in my pile of things that make mad not more. The big things I am most resentful and angry about are real and never should have happened, but I can’t allow some “sweet spirit” that doesn’t understand what they are saying destroy my peace.
:eh: I am not explaining this well.You explained yourself very well Mrs. SuperChicken. And it is notable that the full force of your hurt can be brought back even after time. I can relate. I read that the brain processes badly hurt feelings or depression the same as it processes a sever injury. Mentally it’s the same effect. It will take effort from within, the resentment is not going to go away all by itself and I can’t let myself sink farther into depression as a result. I know people are right to say we allowed the church to control us but it’s hard for them to understand the depth of influence any religion can have on followers. Just think about those Kool-aid drinkers or comet watchers or compound martyrs and how did they let it go so far.
A couple years ago in SS an ex bishop corrected somebody who questioned a leaders decision by saying “…even if he is wrong, he’s right…”. Am I the only one who feels he should have been corrected? I’m wasn’t bold enough and he certainly has some followers. I’m not bold enough to take a break either although it’s past time.
Quote:“…even if he is wrong, he’s right…”
Stupid statement and, at the extreme, Lucifer’s plan and unrighteous dominion.
Old-Timer wrote:Quote:“…even if he is wrong, he’s right…”
Stupid statement and, at the extreme, Lucifer’s plan and unrighteous dominion.
Not to mention Orwellian.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.