I should be at church….

[Anonymous]

Wow Brian, that is a beatiful quote.

Thank you for that.

[Anonymous]

Brian Johnston wrote:

SilentDawning wrote:

Your identity is not equivalent to your biography.

I needed to hear this. I’m suffering a bit right now because I attended a meeting in my work last week. I was sitting there, listening to a speaker near the front of the room. The president of the company was standing a couple feet away and then snaked his foot over to my area and kicked/tapped the end of my foot toward me. I looked up at him, to see what he wanted, and he was staring, stony faced, at the front of the room again. He had no interest in clarifying what he meant.

I sat there bewildered — what did he mean? Was I slouching? No, was my foot blocking a walkway? No. What did he mean?

The only message I got from his behavior was that whatever he had to communicate, he wrapped it in the non-verbal statement “I don’t respect you as an individual”.

Given some of my tendencies, I’ve been down about it of off and on the last couple days. I feel like part of the out-group at the company now. I have to fight feelings that his lack of respect is somehow deserving because of my overall personna, or other perceived weaknesses I have. I avoid him when I see him now because whatever I am, it obviously irks him. I feel no interest in attending the company holiday party I’ve been invited to because of what the President has communicated to me about how I’m perceived.

I realize this pales in comparison to your own issue about being released from the Institute Director position, but I wanted to share it because I feel something in common with you in my work right now.

Learning to love yourself in spite of what the world does to you is part of keeping this “second estate” of our earthly existence it seems….I trust that my experience here is not unique (I hope not, anyway), and that we all face behavior from others that communicates negative messages to us about our character. Things like getting released because we made a mistake, getting reprimanded because of something we did wrong as a Church leader, getting your foot kicked for some unknown reason, consistently being left out of circles of people you thought you were part of etcetera, I think these thing happen to all of us….at least, I hope they are things others experience in their own spheres so it’s simply part of our earthly experience.

The key is to learn to love oneself in spite of these things. Something I’m always struggling to do.

Also, I’ve felt like simply withdrawing from volunteering for extra projects in my work like I used to, or going that extra mile for our clients and customers, or approaching my work with that “anxiously engaged” attitude that has characterized most of my career. Although I haven’t completely rejected the idea of withdrawing from enthusiasm and involvement for a while given this and other experiences in my work, I sense that it will only stunt my growth further if I do. I think there is a risk it will create a self-fullfilling prophecy where my workplace starts treating me the way I see myself, only reinforcing what I’m believing about myself, which may or may not even be right….

Perhaps the solution for myself, and possibly you too, is for you to delve right in with both feet again so we can begin seeing ourselves the way we choose to be….not how others treat us.

[Anonymous]

Welcome Molly,

I wanted communicate some of my thoughts to you – in addition to the support and advice you have already received.

I want to support the recommendation of the book “Believing Christ.” I found this book after a family tragedy that I felt much guilt about. In working out my feelings with prayer and pondering I felt love and acceptance from God. This seemed incongruent with what I had understood of church doctrine – that I was only “worthy” as long as I endured to the end or as I had always thought of it, “hold it together till the end.” So anyway, I had failed to hold it together and the Holy Spirit was helping me understand that God accepts my imperfect, broken, and contrite heart. Now enter the book “Believing Christ”. It helped me to see that God’s promises to his struggling disciples are at the core of the Good News of the gospel and are found throughout scripture (even if not always emphasised).

SilentDawning wrote:

Learning to love yourself in spite of what the world does to you is part of keeping this “second estate” of our earthly existence it seems….

I loved how SilentDawning expressed this thought.

I have also found the whisperings of the spirit in good music. In writing to you, excerpts of two songs come to mind. I had always imagined God the Father to be speaking in this first one.

I love you more than the sun

And the stars that I taught how to shine

You are mine, and you shine for me too

I love you yesterday and today

And tomorrow, I’ll say it again and again

I love you more

Just a face in the city

Just a tear on a crowded street

But you are one in a million

And you belong to Me

And I want you to know

That I’m not letting go

Even when you come undone

“More” by Mathew West

In this final song I imagine Jesus Christ to be speaking:

I Know your hunger, Know your pain,

I’ve seen your sacrifice for my name

I’ve seen your sorrow for the choices you’ve made

But I feel your broken heart and I see,

The light in your eyes, in your life, in your soul.

So search your heart, you’ll find me there

I’ve heard your anguish, and every prayer

My love for you, will never end-

You’re still my servant, still my friend

Still my servant, still my friend.

“Still My Servant, Still My Friend” By Brett Raymond

Thank you for sharing your journey, you are not alone.

[Author]

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