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It’s been almost 3 months since they created my new ward and I committed to the bishop that I would try my best to serve in this ward. He had been in our old ward bishopric as a counselor and hence new that I had been without a calling for the last year, at my request, and had only been attending SM. Being in a brand new ward, I thought I would try my best to put my many problems with church culture behind me and attempt to build relationships with those that would be part of the new ward. I figured that the fact that I was going from a ward of 600 to a ward of 300, I would have a reasonably good chance of getting to know everyone. My hopes were increased when I realized that I was moving from an EQ of 98 to an EQ of 20. So I told myself, and my wife, that I would really put myself out there. This is really hard for me for a couple of reasons. First, having been raised in and LDS community and not being a member (I joined a 18 months after moving away) I have major issues with church culture. These issues have intensified due to a particularly painful decade when I moved back to teach in an LDS community. Second, I am feel extremely uncomfortable with groups of men. The simplest way to explain it is that my personality is much more female and I am honestly most comfortable with women.
So I started out my efforts by accepting the EQ president’s request to come and play stake basketball as our new ward needed players. I’m pushing 40, dread playing church ball, and had essentially quit playing ball 15 years ago, but he had heard that I used to play varsity ball in high school and he really needed players. So I played, hated it, but was always friendly with the guys. That was my mistake as soon the EQ president called me to be the EQ secretary.
My wife and I talked about my feelings(I dread EQ since it combines both of my main issues, men and Mormons) and we knew that it was going to be a hard fit for me but after some prayer I decided to give it a try. I accepted, was set apart and have done my best. But is just isn’t working.
The members of the EQP are decent enough, and I do not think that they are bad people but they exist in a completely different world than I do. They are completely TBM and patriarchal in nature. Their wives are SAHM (my wife is the primary earner in our home and I am the primary care giver), they devote the majority of their time to work or church (I devote mine to my family). They all served missions and continue to talk about them at any chance they can get (I didn’t serve one and I think that you should only get to talk about your mission for the first 5 years after you return, unless you are sharing a conversion story). They wear white shirts and ties (I don’t). They are right wing, conservative men who haven’t doubted the church once in their lives. They are “manly” men who love sports, the outdoors, and weep whenever they share something spiritual. When discussing less-actives they place the cause of the person’s activity on sin and them not wanting to feel the pain of the guilt they must feel when they attend church. And so on, and so on. They are the complete opposite of me in every way.
The EQ president treats me like his personal assistant, calling, emailing and texting me with tasks that are always last minute. If he wants to know if one of the counselor’s can do something, he has me contact the counselor to find out and then report back to him. He calls me to have me email one member of the quorum regarding something and is upset when I can’t do it immediately (even if I am out with my family). He truly doesn’t understand that I am not available to be at every single activity that he plans or if I am not available to go and visit members of the quorum once a week with the presidency (which I am not comfortable doing). Even my TBM wife has commented on how he seems to think I should be at his beck and call. When I couldn’t attend an activity this past Saturday, due to my wife having to work, his response was “Can’t your DS babysit! I really want you there!”. He was miffed when I didn’t attend the temple with the EQ (which I probably won’t ever do as I have major issues with the temple). He and the counselors have mentioned more than once that I should be wearing a white shirt and tie to church each week (it isn’t going to happen).
Anyway, enough of my rant. It is clear to me that as an atypical Mormon I do not fit into this role. I think I will talk to the EQ president later this week and explain a couple of things to him. One, I am not a cultural Mormon. Two, I will do my duties as outlined in the church handbook but I will not be his personal assistant. Three, I will not do presidency visits. Four, I am the primary care giver in my home and as such my family’s needs come first, the church second. As such, I will not be attending every single activity that he plans. Fifth, I will not be attending the temple with the presidency or the quorum. Sixth, I don’t wear ties unless I am performing a priesthood ordinance. If he still wants me then I’ll stay but if not I have no problem with being released.
Or, I’ll just quit and go back to only attending SM.
He calls you to email someone? It would be easier to just email that person himself. Good for you for drawing boundaries where you need them to be. He can accept those boundaries or get someone else. You still have a big ward with plenty of people. You’ve tried your hardest to be what others want you to be. Now be yourself. Really, that’s the extent of my advice – other than perhaps to copy the following from Elder Wirthlin’s talk “Concern for the One”, get it laminated and carry it around in your wallet for times when someone questions you about your choices:
Quote:“Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Church should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.”
Add the following to your laminated card, after the quote above or on the opposite side:
Quote:“I am happy to let you play your piccolo. All I ask is that you let me play my __________ (insert your favorite instrument – or “kazoo”, if you just want to add a little humor to it).”
Tim – Yes and yes. Plus he has done it multiple times. Ray – Thanks, I love that quote from Elder Wirthlin. I think I’ll go with the triangle as my instrument.
🙂 Unfortunately, Mormons are people and people are all nuts. Quote:Second, I am feel extremely uncomfortable with groups of men. The simplest way to explain it is that my personality is much more female and I am honestly most comfortable with women.
Hey, I’m just the opposite. I’m a woman who would much rather be around men. Women just never stop talking.
🙂 I agree with Tim that setting boundaries is important. I hope you can stay with it because the church needs more people like you. We have plenty of TBMs who follow the expected path and there’s nothing wrong with that, but you differentness is needed. You can provide an example of another way to be LDS that will be of value. True, some men (and women) will never get you, but others will and maybe even follow your lead (e.g. an LDS man can be a great caregiver). I have always loved being in wards in mission field areas. Because there are so many converts, there is more diversity. I hope you can provide the diversity that your new ward needs.
Well, if you WERE a cultural Mormon, you’d just do a crappy job and passively agressively hope they release you. I suggest you be yourself! The church needs more diversity, not more sameness. Not a bad idea to have a chat about expectations either. Set some boundaries, and know that someone in that ward doubtless values you for who you actually are! hawkgrrrl wrote:I suggest you be yourself! The church needs more diversity, not more sameness….. and know that someone in that ward doubtless values you for who you actually are!
The longer I’m in this “crisis,” the more I treasure the people in real life and in this forum who are authentic. Best wishes to you. If you end up returning and reporting, I will be eager to read.
My wife has an embarrassing medical issue that may prevent her from teaching – part of her new calling is to be prepared to teach RS if the teacher doesn’t show. The stress of worrying about the teaching and medical complications was actually making the medical issue worse. DW was about to resign, but she instead explained that she can’t be expected to teach at least for the next six months, maybe never. The president’s response: “Done!” I am not in any way saying that the situation is the same – but I think that making boundaries clear and understood is a great idea! He can be a jerk about it but in the end it is a volunteer organization. Your contributions can either be accepted or not – but you don’t need to change them or feel ashamed for them.
Canucknuckle, If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t try to set boundaries or rectify the situation. I would simply tell him that it isn’t working out for me and that I want to be released. The EQP would probably ask me why, and I would respond with “personal reasons” and a shrug of my shoulders. If the EQP tried to convince me to stay, I’d say, “I appreciate your concern for me, but I’ve already made up my mind, so thanks for everything, and I’ll see you on Sunday.”
I’ve learned that, for me, I don’t need to give long explanations, or try to be a peacemaker, or offer apologies, or come to consensus. If I were uncomfortable in a calling, and felt that I had given it a fair shot, I would simply decide what is best for me and act on it… cordially, fairly, respectfully, but I would not leave my fate up to someone else. In this particular case, I would be worried that trying to set boundaries would more than likely just result in tension and awkwardness between us, and an inability for me to fulfill my calling either as I see it or as he sees it, so I would just take emotion, and myself, out of it.
I would then think of a calling (if any) where I think I could help the ward, and go to the Bishop and offer to do that calling, if he’s interested. Serving in the church can be very rewarding, in the right situation. Some love to teach, others hate it. That’s convenient because the church can’t operate with no teachers, nor can it operate with only teachers. So, you might as well offer to volunteer your time doing something you enjoy, whatever that is.
As usual, wise words from On Own Now. That absolutely is a legitimate option at any point.
On Own Now – you make a very good point! I had been mulling over the same line of thinking the past few days. I found it interesting that on Sunday the EQP didn’t even take the time to say “hi” to me. In fact, when I think about it the only member of the presidency that did say anything to me was the counselor who mentioned to another member of the quorum in a somewhat snarky tone…”Canucknuckle didn’t make it to the activity either” To which I said, “yes, I was busy taking care of my boys” to which he replied and said “Just teasing you”.
I have decided to wait and see how the rest of this week and next Sunday goes. At that time I will make up my mind as to either draw boundaries or quit.
I shall return and report when a decision is made and action is taken.
Canucknuckle, you have already heard great advice here — I just add my “amen” to all of it: be yourself, totally and completely. Screw the ties, the white shirts, the endless meetings, the beck and call of the EQP. I think your approach of setting boundaries is the best. best to you!
I didn’t know they were that strict in Alberta with priesthood holders always having to wear white shirts. What is it with people?! Ilovechrist77 wrote:I didn’t know they were that strict in Alberta with priesthood holders always having to wear white shirts. What is it with people?!
Well, Alberta is the northern most point of the MorCor. The bottom of the province was essentially settled by the Church.
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