I wish I could be done with it.

[Anonymous]

I just have no interest in ANYTHING church related anymore. I hate going to meetings. I am resentful of paying tithing while my savings account dwindles and debts remain. I despise wearing uncomfortable underwear. I don’t touch the scriptures, I don’t sing hymns, I don’t want a calling, I don’t home teach, I just hate all of it. We’ve been about half attending meetings and the days we stay home, the family is happier and gets along better. My wife even seems happier and doesn’t seem to enjoy going to church. But, she still makes us all feel like we have to go and we have to pay tithing and participate. Nothing would make me happier than if she just came home and said she wants to take a break from church.

So what do I do? Nothing. I can’t get out without screwing up my life and family.

[Anonymous]

Try negotiating with her. That is how my difficult marriage has survived over the years. When family members refuse to give up something, I will often give something up to make the sacrifice I want palatable to them. Or if they continually demand that I do something that I dont’ want to give, I ask myself “what could they give up that would make me OK with this?”. Not all the time, but on critical issues where there is no easy solution. This sounds like one of them for you. For me, my wife, due to lack of inaction made me give up something important for a long time. After 5 years of peading and begging I finally said “look, this doesn’t seem to get resolved — you can keep on doing [insert annoying thing here] but I want you to support me in devoting time and resources to learning to be a proficient, gigging jazz musician”. She agreed, and while her lack of inaction bothered me, all I had to do was think about the hours and hours of enjoyment I have since received, finally achieving the achievement of being a competent local jazz musician. (This was a sacrifice for her because we all know how the spouses sometimes get distrubed when you devote a lot of time to a hobby)

So, could you offer her something that would make her say “Yes” to you keeping your tithing and using it to pay down debt? For example, you wil do THING X that she really wants, but you need a tithing holiday until your heart is in it, as those who give tithing begrudgingly receive no blessings anyway.

Or, you could go the other way and say “I’ll go and pay tithing but I need Things X from you…”

[Anonymous]

I hear ya, man. I’m still doing pretty much all of it, but in my heart I wish it would just go away.

I think it’s important to have something to focus your now-latent spiritual energies on. I don’t know what that might be … I’m still trying to figure that out myself. But finding joy in whatever it is that you do, whether that means staying at church, or leaving, is important. If your wife finds that your new (to her, possibly?) outlook makes you a better person in specific ways, you are bound to be on much better negotiating territory … which sounds very mercenary, I guess, but I certainly dont mean it in that way.

[Anonymous]

I have just learned to appreciate the culture and the people. the doctrine I threw out the window sometime ago. I pay what tithing I want to if any. I only do the callings I feel I can contribute with. I just do it all pretty much on my terms. It is the only way I can avoid leaving completely. Besides I still find some value in the attendance and friendships I have at church. I have also found if you let others know some part of what you are about they will leave you alone and even respect you as long as you are not a trouble maker. Everyone at church knows I am a skeptic. I admit it freely but I also say I am willing to learn.

So if attending is that miserable for you you should stop attending or find a way to make it enjoyable. Stuck between the two is not a good place to be and is not sustainable long term.

[Anonymous]

Cadence wrote:

I have also found if you let others know some part of what you are about they will leave you alone and even respect you as long as you are not a trouble maker. Everyone at church knows I am a skeptic. I admit it freely but I also say I am willing to learn.

+1

This is probably the most important step in resetting one’s overall relationship with the Church. It’s a tough step, but things calm down a lot more IMO after the reset. I’m in the situation Cadence described. My BP and SP know I am not completely orthodox on some level. My brothers in the EQ know too, and so does my HT. It’s a completely different relationship when the tables are turned and you have one foot out the door, so to speak. The cost: I won’t have any prominent positions in the community. That really isn’t important to me though. I just have some friends there I like, and I honestly enjoy attending (when I do). I like helping on some of the service projects. I like having a reason sometimes to take time out of the daily grind and hang with my Mormon people.

The tension with your wife … that’s a balancing act. It just is what it is. We all have to make cost/benefit decisions in our marriages in lots of areas. Talking about it and finding a way to balance each others’ needs is the way to go. That’s a good marriage skill to practice regardless of the issue.

It’s important, I think, to continue doing something positive with the time. Maybe you could negotiate not attending some weeks as long as you schedule something else uplifting to replace it? Hang in there my friend!

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the support.

This was typed up during a Sunday school sluff where I was feeling rather frustrated. I think I just needed to vent and I am glad there is a place where that is OK.

I think I have mainly two big problems right now. 1 is that I don’t fit into my ward. I don’t have any friends at all. I am sure I could be outgoing, but I don’t know if I want to be either. I guess that sounds confusing. Second, I am having some budget problems where we are basically in the hole every month about the same amount as tithing.

[Anonymous]

Brian Johnston wrote:

It’s important, I think, to continue doing something positive with the time. Maybe you could negotiate not attending some weeks as long as you schedule something else uplifting to replace it?

Brown, this was my thought also. Actively planning something in place of it, a lesson at home with the kids, or a gospel discussion on topics that are relevant to you, something like that which demonstrates you maybe don’t care about church, but you do care about some things…like relationships and the family and spiritual development. The church does not have a monopoly on goodness, so find some goodness to fill you life. Sounds like your frustrations aren’t helping, and you just need a break from those…but not a break from goodness. Right?

[Author]

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