If You Want to Be Understood and Loved By Others

[Anonymous]

NOTE: A few minutes ago, I was preparing a post for my personal blog that will publish later, and when I came here and re-read Kaite’s post about feeling like she was lying all the time I immediately thought of that post. Since I can’t link to something that hasn’t posted yet, and since it won’t publish for a while, I decided to post it separately as a new topic. Here it is:

My mother is a saintly woman in many ways, but she also has a rare form of schizophrenia. If she gets overwhelmed, her mind won’t shut down and she has a nervous breakdown. I’d love to be able to have deep, nuanced discussions with her, but they would get her mind spinning so fast it would be extremely detrimental to her well-being. I understand that, so I keep our Gospel conversations simple and faith-promoting.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with her intellectually. She was a straight A student in school and a top-notch legal secretary before her disability surfaced. She just can’t handle things that would “rock her reality”, and she can’t multi-task, and she can’t worry about things. Her life needs to be lived on an even keel – and what my father has done to protect her leaves me in awe.

[If you are interested, you can read my tribute to him here: (http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2007/10/my-niece-died-this-morning.html). You also can read a little more about what I learned from him, that relates directly to this post, here: (http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2008/09/spiritual-prescriptions.html).]

It might be easier for me to realize, since my mother’s situation is a medically diagnosed condition, but the concept is the exact same for all: If someone can’t get what you believe, and if it causes intense pain to try to make them understand, stop! Don’t inflict that pain on them. Put their emotional and spiritual well-being ahead of your own desire to be understood.

I learned that lesson vicariously from my father through what he sacrificed for his sweetheart, and it is profound and life-altering. Frankly, it’s probably the most important advice I can give on the topic of understanding and love and acceptance. If you want to be loved for who you are, love others for who they are – truly and sincerely, without expectation of reciprocation. Treat them truly as you would want to be treated. After all, “We love Him, because he first loved us.” (I John 4:19)

[Anonymous]

Beautiful Post, Ray. Especially this: If someone can’t get what you believe, and if it causes intense pain to try to make them understand, stop!

So true.

HiJolly

[Anonymous]

That is a really powerful example. Thanks for sharing it Ray.

[Anonymous]

Ray, once again, you strike gold.

Thank you for this wonderful insight.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for so beautifully relating such an important principle.

[Anonymous]

I came across this old thread tonight, and I am bumping it up for fresh discussion, if anyone wants to comment.

[Anonymous]

Excellent post, Ray. It sounds like your Dad (and you Mom) is a wonderful person.

It seems I can’t help but see these issues though my Myers-Briggs tinted lenses. My experience is that most SJs, for instance, will rarely be able to deal constructively with a logical examination of their beliefs, whatever they might be. I presume that this is precisely why sites such as these tend to attract a certain personality type — so that they can express opinions that in other venues would only lead to confusion, consternation, anger, and disapproval.

[Anonymous]

Ray, I’m really glad you felt inspired to post this thought.

I think about this often, but still wonder how to have a deep meaningful relationship if you can’t at some time (maybe not too often but sometimes) be able to open up and be completely honest, even if that rocks others’ worlds because otherwise I can’t express them.

For example, if my views at church really bother my spouse, then I should just keep them to myself? If they are important and deep feelings, how are we to be close? I would assume your dad is able to do that because there are many other things that far outweigh the effort to keep your mom protected from some things, right?

What if we compare that to the church, and views can’t be shared with other members of the ward or else it causes them pain, but then there is no outlet for my feelings and each Sunday at church the classes bore me? Or I feel I just keep feelings to myself and don’t feel a deep connection to the ward?

It can be difficult to be honest with oneself and be caring of others pain all the time when there is a clash of ideas.

[Anonymous]

Excellent insight, doug. Sometimes birds of a feather really do need to flock together – but . . .

To address Heber’s questions:

Quote:

For example, if my views at church really bother my spouse, then I should just keep them to myself?

Yes – or, at least, share them incrementally in dosages that are digestible. Too much of a good thing really can kill – and some things to which some are immune really can harm others.

Quote:

If they are important and deep feelings, how are we to be close?

First, I don’t want to be married to myself. I want to be married to someone who helps make me perfect – complete, whole and fully developed. That means she has to be different than I am in multiple and important ways. Part of being close is learning to accept, value and actually appreciate the differences. So, I would answer:

By loving each other for who you each are, not for how you would like each other to be, as the ideal – and by being willing to do that for the other even if the other can’t do that for you fully. (That is my dad’s situation, since he simply can’t share much of his perspective with my mom.) We tend to value total openness too much, and we forget sometimes the example of Mary when she “kept these things and pondered them in her heart.”

The greatest of all is charity for a reason – and, I will add, I’m grateful for a theology that presents God as love embodied. We natural humans try to put limitations on that all the time, but, at the core principle level, unconditionally felt love is a noble, empowering goal. We still can feel love unconditionally even if there are natural conditions that affect how fully we can share love as a verb. I hope that makes sense.

Quote:

I would assume your dad is able to do that because there are many other things that far outweigh the effort to keep your mom protected from some things, right?

Yes. When her medication is working and she can be “herself”, she is a wonderful woman. The thing is, however, that to be in that state, my dad really has had to “lay down his life” for her in all practical ways. Objectively, he has had a very different life than he would have had without her condition – and I’m fairly certain now, looking at it as an adult with my own family, that it wasn’t a simple, easy thing to accept. It might have been a relatively easy decision to make given the alternative, but making a decision and accepting it are two different things. I believe he came to accept it more fully AS he lived it over time – and I think a major mistake many make is the false expectation of quick and easy acceptance. I know it wasn’t easy for him, but he did it anyway.

Quote:

then there is no outlet for my feelings and each Sunday at church the classes bore me?

For thousands of years, for vast numbers of people, talking with God through prayer functioned as their only outlet. In our time, groups like we have here can provide another outlet – but they also can diminish the direct prayer line as an outlet. There always can be an outlet, even meditation for those who just don’t feel connected through traditional prayer. However, there is no “universal, natural” outlet, in the sense that we individually need to find what works for us.

Quote:

Or I feel I just keep feelings to myself and don’t feel a deep connection to the ward?

Construct a deep connection in some other way. Intellectual connection isn’t necessary to deep connection with all. For example, you might stop going to church to feel intellectually connected and start going with the focused objective of getting to know people better and helping them in some way as individuals.

Also, make sure you make at least six or seven positive comments at church with which pretty much everyone can agree for every different perspective you introduce – and make sure you introduce those different perspectives in a way that isn’t challenging in nature. Use me as “a friend” who once said, “_______________” – “which caused me to wonder _________” – if that makes it easier to introduce something that is different.

These all might seem like idealistic responses, but the point is that instead of demanding that others make you happy and connected, try to be happy and connected independently (internally connected into the true vine, if you will) and work on accepting others simply for who they are at this point in their lives. Becoming more charitable changes the WAY you see people, which changes how close you feel to them, which changes the way you address people, which changes the way people react to you, which changes how close they feel to you. Notice, how close you feel to them is independent of their acceptance of you, and that how close they feel to you is the LAST stage in that process.

It’s losing and gaining and all that jazz.

[Anonymous]

Speaking of feeling disconnected from the Ward when you can’t share your deepest beliefs….Ray said ..

Quote:

Construct a deep connection in some other way. Intellectual connection isn’t necessary to deep connection with all. For example, you might stop going to church to feel intellectually connected and start going with the focused objective of getting to know people better and helping them in some way as individuals.

I also think you can go to Church with the intent to just build people up when you see someting generally positive. Many complements die with us, and the person who would benefit from hearing from them never gets the benefit. So, go to Church intending to lift other people in some way — independent of doctrine or culture.

Also, participate in service projects and social events where you can connect with people on a personal level and not a gospel level. LDS people are generally really nice people at heart. You can count on most to provide a good, clean social environment for you and any family members, independent of any doctrine.

Right now, I’m involved in a weekly gathering with some people in my Ward, for a non-Church related common interest. I really enjoy doing things with them. They never swear, they listen to what I say, they are sensitive in the way they disagree with me. They are reliable, and I understand their basic value system and mindset. I focus on that.

[Anonymous]

doug wrote:

My experience is that most SJs, for instance, will rarely be able to deal constructively with a logical examination of their beliefs, whatever they might be. I presume that this is precisely why sites such as these tend to attract a certain personality type — so that they can express opinions that in other venues would only lead to confusion, consternation, anger, and disapproval.

My thoughts exactly. A couple of months ago while on a date, I was explaining some of my concerns about the church to my wife. She said it’s due to me reading blogs and posting on forums such as this one. I countered that this forum and others like it are meeting a need for me that’s currently unfilled by the church. If I could speak freely there, things would be different and I probably wouldn’t need to be here.

[Anonymous]

I read this post this morning and was thinking of it today when I was talking to my husband and kept this in mind. I am starting to understand how important it is to him that I believe or am with him at church and such. Thanks for posting.

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