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For almost 30 years I have been a TBM. I married in the temple during college and had some wonderful kids who have grown up in the church, all of my siblings that have gotten married also married in the temple. Last winter I visited my sister, and she told me about abuse that happened to her at church and how the church then and now contributed to a very dark experience for her.
I couldn’t help but wonder…if God answers all prayers, why didn’t he answer her prayers to have the abuse be stopped.
Sunday school answers of sometimes he says no and everyone has their agency and they had to so the punishment would be just didn’t provide any real answers. Why would God help someone find their keys, but not have someone find out and stop what was happening in a church, where lots of people are supposed to be inspired?
Anyway, once the questions started more and more came falling around me like dominoes.
Could JS really have been inspired to marry teenage girls? The Book of Abraham? If this is the true church how come billions will never get to hear about it? It just seems to go on and on.
Having said that, the church has done some great things. My children are remarkable; confident, self assured and independent, because of the teachings of the church. I had the opportunity to participate in some real service with Mormon Helping Hands that was very meaningful to me. Having a temple marriage has made the difference in keeping my marriage together in rough times. Having a built in support system when you go to new places is really fantastic.
Anyway, my temple recommend is expiring this month, so all these feelings have come to a crisis point.
And please don’t advise I talk to my bishop, I did at the very beginning and he was very disingenuous and questioned my worthiness. I don’t have any worthiness issues, just testimony issues.
I’m sorry to hear about your sister’s abuse situation. That is terrible. The church is not good at dealing with broken situations, and as a people we seem prone to naivete, so leaders aren’t very helpful when dealing with manipulators IMO. For me, I am pretty confident I could not have been Mormon in either JS or BY’s era. But as you point out, I don’t have to. The church cranks out a pretty amazing product in my experience, and everything else seems pretty irrelevant to me.
That is the whole problem with “by their fruits you shall know them” What about when the fruit is both very sweet and very bitter?
Viktor Frankl observed that every person has capacity or both evil and good. People who ran concentration camps devoted their lives to compassionate service later. People who were heroic survivors treated others with callous disregard after the war. No group of people is exempt from this mix. Quote:My children are remarkable; confident, self assured and independent, because of the teachings of the church.
Methinks you give the church way too much credit. There are many many many children who grow up to be completely screwed up who grow up in gospel centered homes.
rebeccad, thank you for your introduction. I had alot of the same feelings you have. Especially:
Quote:I couldn’t help but wonder…if God answers all prayers, why didn’t he answer her prayers to have the abuse be stopped.
I say “had” because my feelings have improved over time. If I were in your position, I would renew your TR.
Maybe that will help get the answers you seek. As you know, there are no guarantees. It wouldn’t hurt.
I hope you get some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Many of us in this community have gone through similar
situations.
Keep coming back. We want to hear more from you.
Mike from Milton.
Quote:Methinks you give the church way too much credit. There are many many many children who grow up to be completely screwed up who grow up in gospel centered homes
I know there are a lot…there are a lot that are very close to me. But for my children, in specific ways for specific reasons, it has been beneficial.
“The very same people who are good sometimes, are the very same people who are bad sometimes” -Fred Rogers
It is one of my favorite quotes ever.
Thank you for the warm welcome, I literally cried with relief today when I found this site and that there was a “place” for people like me.
bcpg makes a good point. I think the church is like software. It doesn’t work as well for all families. Just like there are Mac and PCs, different processors, and different ways people use them, the church brings out the best in some yet the worst in others. Quote:But for my children, in specific ways for specific reasons, it has been beneficial.
Good to hear. I can accept, resepect, and appreicate that.
I also think my parents have no clue of all the ways the church was harmful to me.
rebeccad wrote:I couldn’t help but wonder…if God answers all prayers, why didn’t he answer her prayers to have the abuse be stopped.
Sunday school answers of sometimes he says no and everyone has their agency and they had to so the punishment would be just didn’t provide any real answers. Why would God help someone find their keys, but not have someone find out and stop what was happening in a church, where lots of people are supposed to be inspired?
This is similar to how I got here. I could have continued active and happy in an orthodox relationship with the church indefinitely – if only my semi-charmed life had continued. Nagging doctrinal or historical inconsistencies were not what brought me to this point. It was a fundamental change in how I understand God’s dealings with his children. If only there was a formula that I could follow to never let anyone down again, I would say anything – do anything – to obtain it. But it was not so.
You can read more about my own journey here:
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=1937 You are not the same as everyone else that attends your ward. Truth is that you never were, just now you are more aware of the differences. Kinda like discovering that you’re an ugly duckling. Everyone in your ward is different, everyone is an ugly duckling in their own way – yet amidst the group think and guilt and pettiness, when it works right you can find an incredible group of people that actually care and
care foreach other. This site is an interesting place where individuals go to find ways to be spiritually authentic individually and also build bridges of community and faith with our LDS heritage and brothers & sisters. There is no one way to do this but sometimes others can share what has worked for them. The journey of the ugly duckling can sometimes be a lonely road and it can help to see a friendly face.
You are welcome here.
Roy, I am so sorry about the loss of your little girl. I have 3 nephews that were stillborn, and I know that my feelings of loss in no way compare to yours, allow me to say that I can’t imagine how difficult that would be. I was heartbroken over my nephews. Quote:You are not the same as everyone else that attends your ward
I wonder if this is true. I’m guessing there are people in my ward that feel the way I do, I just don’t know how to find them.Quote:I also think my parents have no clue of all the ways the church was harmful to me.
Are those things that you knew at the time, or realized in retrospect?
Based on situations of people I know who have been harmed in the past, I have tried to protect my children from having the same experience. One as it relates to abuse, but also gender roles, and their relationship with priesthood leaders.
I also know some people who just can’t make it work at church and who have been harmed at church, but I also know enough about myself and my tendencies (and some of the genetic stuff that runs in my family) to be EXTREMELY grateful that I was born within Mormonism. I also know more than one non-Mormon educator outside of Utah who has described an obvious difference between the average Mormon kid in school and the average non-Mormon kids in school. Every one, as an absolute rule? Heavens, no. Average? I actually have heard it multiple times from multiple people. I try not to rain on other people’s parades, and I try not to dismiss or ridicule other people’s personal conclusions – especially when I don’t have the facts they do.
I’m glad you’re here. I hope this is a good fit for you.
Welcome to the site. Quote:And please don’t advise I talk to my bishop, I did at the very beginning and he was very disingenuous and questioned my worthiness. I don’t have any worthiness issues, just testimony issues.
Okay. I won’t.
Anyone want to take a quick poll of everyone here and see what percent advice talking to the Bishop about faith crisis concerns as the first, most important step? 😆 I think you’ll find that won’t be an issue here, even though I have had Bishops to whom I would recommend you talk.
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