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I feel like nobody in my ward knows me and I’ve been here almost 4 years. I have a really hard time, well it is impossible for me to just start talking to people I don’t know. Very few people talk to me, probably thinking I am jerk, but honestly I want them to talk to me. I’m just not sure what to do. I just kind of sit there by myself. I’m honestly pretty friendly to those I know, but my personality type requires others to make the first effort. I know this must sound ridiculous to some. I went to a little neighborhood dinner not too long ago and honestly there was this big group of guys talking and I just stood there for two hours hoping someone would include me. I guess I don’t really care when I am not at church since I am pretty introverted, but when I am kind of stuck in what should be a social situation, I feel ashamed I can’t participate. I feel like this is 1/2 my problem with not wanting to attend church functions. My last ward, I had some people really make an effort to “fellowship” me and I liked it quite a bit. Is there anyone whom you can talk about this and ask that they help you get to know people better, in a non-obvious way? I have a similar personality type and struggle with big groups of people I don’t know. I find it hard to talk to people I don’t know at unstructured activities. Where I find it best to get to know people is when I’m on task at something like a service project where you work alongside someone or especially when playing team sports. We have a lot of student investigators in our ward and I find it difficult to make the first approach on a Sunday but I find it much easier and more natural with those who have come along and played basketball with us.
Try getting an assignment in the ward to help organise something that will force you to go around and get people to sign up for something (sports team,food list, that sort of thing). I find it much easier to talk to people if I have a clear reason to do so.
But I share your pain. I’ve been there.
I used to be that way. Then my mission president put me with talkers. I picked up their conversation openers and started adapting them to my own style. Now, I’ve been told that I have the gift of gab with people I don’t know. Try a few things to pen conversations yourself. First, smile when you make an opening comment. It puts people at ease. Even a half smile or just a pleasant expression that comes naturally to you.
Also, approach people who look like they aren’t fitting in. It will help them feel more comfortable
Second, here are a few other conversation openers:
1. Comment on something they are wearing like a button, a pin, or a t-shirt that has a slogan on it. Just if it’s something that sticks out. I only do it when its reasonably clear the person has an interest in the feature they are wearing.
And I leave myself an exit in case the button, pin or t-shirt has nothing to do with their interests. A comment such as “did you have fun at the international community service day, or do you just wear the t-shirt?”. whatever they say I will have and answer. If they liked the community service day on the t-shirt, I’ll ask more about it. If they just wear the t-shirt, I’ll comment on a t-shirt I used to wear and everyone thought I was into the organization but it was just a wearable.
2. I make positive comments about appearance — never negative ones. With the array of colorful glasses available now, I often give sincere complements on glasses people are wearing and ask them where they got them. Or about their shoes, tie, or other distincitive thing I sincerely like.
3. I have to prepare before I start half the conversations I start. For example, I run social events for music lovers. I am welcoming new people all the time. I have a few standard phrases that I use when I can’t think of anything like “Did you have to drive very far to get here?”. Or “how easy was it to find the place?”. Usually the people in attendance have something in common. I will often hold out my hand and introduce myself with the expectation people will talk to me. Then follow up with “have you attended this Ward for long?”, “how did you become a member of the church?”.
4. Good topics to talk about are things that affect everyone such as holidays, big news items that everyone knows about. One lady asked – so are you taking any holidays this year? What are your plans?
5. One of my companions would share a random detail about our life that was sensational “So, I was driving down such and such street and a kid comes out of nowhere and throws a rock at our car!”. Comments that prompt people to ask questions are good.
6. Also, ask a question that the answer is yes to. It’s always a conversation killer when the question you ask elicits a simple ‘no”.
I often prepare myself with conversation exit clauses that are gracious but allow me to jet out of the conversation if it doesn’t go well.
Brown, don’t be too hard yourself! Socializing can be difficult sometimes. In many ways I can really relate to how you feel interacting with people at church. As a convert, I feel like people at church are so different than I am.
What works for me is that I keep a smile on my face, introduce myself to people, give a firm handshake, look people in the eyes and ask them questions. Don’t get discouraged if some people are not too friendly, just move on to the next group. Best of luck to you!
Some people don’t talk very well either — that’s why I have exit clauses ready in case the conversation tanks Half the time its because THEY are not comfortable. I have also noticed that sometimes you have to make several hit and run attempts to talk to people before they trust you enough to talk. So don’t take it personally the first couple times if the conversation stalls.
SilentDawning wrote:Some people don’t talk very well either — that’s why I have exit clauses ready in case the conversation tanks Half the time its because THEY are not comfortable.
I have also noticed that sometimes you have to make several hit and run attempts to talk to people before they trust you enough to talk. So don’t take it personally the first couple times if the conversation stalls.
Great advice!
Some good advice, thank you. I think part of my problem is large groups. I do much better in small groups or 1 on 1. When I am in a class at church an there are a ton of people, I kind of just shut off. Reading about my personality type (INTP), it kind of just sounds normal for people like me.
Maybe I need to make an effort to talk to people in the halls when the opportunity arises, rather than at large gatherings or class.
You had to drag mbti into this. 
I am also intp(and infp… was almost split exactly.). I find, however, that my intp side makes me happier when I’m not talking with people. Especially the small talk stuff…. I would enjoy discussions on deeper things–but intps like logic, which is also rare in church discussions. So I’m perfectly happy being left alone. In fact I need to be left alone with my thoughts or books or wikipedia or staylds.com for significant periods of time or I get frazzled and very irritable.
My infp side wants to be in harmony with everyone. Once again this is most often accomplished by keeping my opinions to myself at church. Only occasionally, when someone says something outrageous and offensive to my sense of universal morality do I feel compelled to correct it.
So I don’t know. I envy your situation, personally. I can’t go to church without being mobbed with people trying to fellowship me.
Grass is always greener I suppose…
I took a test similar to Myers-Briggs. I came out strong in intellection, which means I like philosophical discussions. I realized that half of my flubbed conversations were because I was engaging people in topics that were way above their heads. For me, they were fun, to them, they seemed like work. In fact, the tips in my personality assessment told me to be really judicious about who I engaged in philosophical discussions because most people would not relate to them….another thing to consider as people who hit this site tend to be intellectuals. SilentDawning wrote:I took a test similar to Myers-Briggs. I came out strong in intellection, which means I like philosophical discussions. I realized that half of my flubbed conversations were because I was engaging people in topics that were way above their heads. For me, they were fun, to them, they seemed like work. In fact, the tips in my personality assessment told me to be really judicious about who I engaged in philosophical discussions because most people would not relate to them….another thing to consider as people who hit this site tend to be intellectuals.
I’m more of a “feeler.”
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My personality is the same way, Brown. I tend to be more talkative in small groups or one-on-one situations. I tried changing my personality to a more extroverted one. It didn’t work for me. Just do the best you can. Even making one friend in your ward is better than nothing. wuwei wrote:You had to drag mbti into this.
I’ve been reading a bit about it lately, so yes, I mentioned it. But then the logician and contrarian in me can argue just as easily that MTBI is bogus. Although in doing so, I may also help prove they nailed me spot on.
😆 I kind of feel like by saying that “it is just my personality” becomes kind of a cop out. It might be kind of like saying my fat is genetic when really I know I don’t exercise much and eat too many snacks. If I know I should be friendlier, and that it might even make me happier, then I should just do it and stop making excuses.
First thing, drop the labels, the boxes, the ABCDs, the WXYZs etc. Do not let them define you, you are an individual, not a type or stereotype. Secondly, you probably need to be proactive and initiate contact. I hate large groups myself. Go to activities, do service. Offer a lift if you have a car.
I am the exact same way, and I understand entirely how you feel. I am both introverted and shy (and discovered recently that those are NOT the same thing.) 😮 )It takes me a good 6-10 years in a ward to have friends. I go to ward events and stand there dumbly, too paralyzed to initiate conversation, and hoping someone will help me be included. I usually get friends after a lot of years, only because I force myself to participate in callings and service. So I naturally meet people when I visit teach, or plan a lesson, etc. It just takes me a long time.
I second the person who suggested that you do activities where you can work alongside others. Sitting at a party and engaging in “small talk” just doesn’t work for some folks. But working alongside someone gives you a common goal to discuss. You are not “on the spot” to discuss yourself and can focus on the project. And people naturally come to love those they serve with.
I recommend you read a book called “Quiet.” I just read it, and it is EXCELLENT!” It totally changed my perception of myself. One of the things it mentions is that shyness and introversion are two different things. Introversion means we generate our energy internally, and feel our energy drain away when we interact with others. Extroverts are the opposite. (They feel energized by other people, and bored and not their best when alone too much).
Shyness is a form of social anxiety. It talks about how introverts may reduce our social interactions to preserve our energy, as above. But the reason so many of us are also SHY is because being an introvert is disvalued! Extroversion is such a valued trait in the United States (and some other places) that we internalize the idea that something must be wrong with us. Then THAT makes us feel insecure and feeds our shyness further. It need not be that way. For example, many Asian cultures value introverts more, and find extroverts “talk too much.”
😮 ) The point is, introversion and extroversion are just two ways of being. They are neutral in terms of being “good” or “bad.” So stop beating yourself up about being an introvert. There is nothing wrong with that!Realize that not all introverts must be shy. You can work on your shyness and find ways to make friends. I know it’s hard. It TERRIFIES me! Ironically, the book quiet mentions that introverts are often the MOST active and self-revealing online. So it’s not that introverts have nothing to say, or can’t share. It’s the face-to-face that’s hard.
This is what works for me. 1.Give it time, and don’t beat yourself up. It’s OK not to have tons of friends. One or two is enough, and you’ll get there. 2. Pray for help to know whom to befriend, and how to do so. 3. Sign up for any project or service you can. Accept callings. 3. Go to the parties, even if you don’t talk. If you leave after 5 min it’s ok. If you have a spouse, bring your spouse. My husband helps me talk and engage. He knows me and can bring things up that include me. If I just can’t bring myself to go, that’s ok though. 4. I try to stop focusing on finding friends for myself, and try to find someone else who looks lonely. Serve him or her. Somehow I can be more brave in extending myself if I think “I don’t have to reveal myself,” but so and so needs help. Friendship and sharing of self can come later. Just look for others with a need and fill it. They will come to love you and will want to know you too. 5. Did I mention pray? Pray. Pray. Pray. 6. Journal. Everyone needs a safe place to be themselves. When you don’t have friends, it can help to pour out your feelings in a journal. Then nurture yourself-whatever is nurturing for you. 6. Do visiting teaching and home teaching. 7. Get to know your neighbors on either side of your house. Whatever is happening at church, it’s important to have that sense of community. You don’t need to be best friends. Just bring them a treat, explain that you live next door and want to know them, and go from there. You can do it! 8. Don’t believe people who imply you are at fault, and somehow defective. We all make friends at our own pace. 9. Don’t allow your social fear to keep you from church. It’s easy to get offended or discouraged or want to give up. Don’t do it. Even if you don’t speak to a single person and are not acknowledged by anyone at church. Christ can be your best friend. We NEED that relationship. Build on your personal relationship with your Savior. Listen to the Holy Ghost. He will help as you seek friends.
Good luck!
Thankful
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