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Old-Timer wrote:
godlives, fwiw, it takes only one bad experience to outweigh seven good experiences in the typical human memory. Please keep that in mind – that I, you, a bishop, a RS Pres, a Prophet, an apostle, whoever can make only one “mistake” in every eight things s/he does, but it is that one mistake that tends to be remembered as the example of the (wo)man or organization.
In my experiences, there aren’t very many people who make only one mistake every eight things they say or do. I know I say things not quite the way I wish I would have more often than that. All I can do is hope that others are charitable and try to understand my heart – and make sure I offer that same attitude to others. It’s the only way to lasting happiness I have found – real charity, not the mutated type that most people understand.
Thank you for this comment. I should try more often to focus on the good in people. Think of how many mormons that left the church might have stuck around if they understand the philosophy of the “buffet mormon.” There are some very wise people on this forum.
Hi Godlives, I am late coming to this conversation. There’s been a lot going on in the real world for me, so I wasn’t on the boards for a week or so.
Anyway, my heart goes out to you. I am so glad you are finding a place here to talk about all that stuff bottled up inside, among people who aren’t going to freak out. You are not alone.
I have always had a creative side to me that few people understood (especially in the Church). When I was in the MTC getting ready to go out into the mission field, I lost a notebook. I always keep notebooks with me and write/draw about ideas. Well … someone found my notebook, looked inside innocently to figure out who it belonged to, and let’s just say it ended up with me going to see the MTC Mission President
He had no idea what to do with me. That hurt because I had listened to him for weeks talk about loving all us missionaries, coming to him with problems no matter what, blah blah blah. He sent me to some kind of MTC psychologist for a long evaluation and testing. I was fine of course, and he reported that I was just a “highly creative and intelligent” individual and stamped me fit for duty.
I have never really fit in. But I also love the Church and a lot of the ideas in it. I currently don’t bother to hold a TR, mostly because it is easier and safer that way between me and the organization of the Church. Some people know at Church that I am different or don’t always follow all the rules. I accept that. I might change someday and do things different. I did spend a good 10-15 years as a pretty normal “TBM.” I have come to a comfortable and peaceful relationship with God. We are friends now. I just am the way I am. God made me this way, and I see myself as “filling the measure of my creation.” I have to ask the wrong questions, or the next questions that push things a little outside the comfort zone. I have to try things and see. I have to explore around the edges of life and the Church. That is just how God made me. I think loving other people though, expressing that confidence and compassion, that helps people to reflect acceptance back to me. I am not their enemy at Church. I just tend to be a little too free for my own good sometimes, hehe.
Anyway, it is possible to stay. All the codependency stuff people already talked about is good stuff.
And like I said, my heart just goes out to you. Hang in there! Let it all out. Figure out what YOU need to do and own your beliefs fully.
Valoel wrote:…I have to try things and see. I have to explore around the edges of life and the Church. That is just how God made me. I think loving other people though, expressing that confidence and compassion, that helps people to reflect acceptance back to me. I am not their enemy at Church. I just tend to be a little too free for my own good sometimes, hehe.
Thanks for this, Valoel! I enjoy reading about people’s experiences here. I was surprised to see how much we have in common. I’m writing a book about my spiritual journey, and one of the chapters is called “Scratching the Itch.” It refers to the fact that if we get a mosquito bite, or other skin condition that everybody tells us not to scratch, I do anyway! Some have the control, patience, or whatever it takes to leave it alone…but I scratch it until it bleeds and scabs!
That’s just how I am. In everything!
Just a week ago I felt numb. I was praying to God for peace. I needed peace. My life was put together by others instead of myself. I had given everything I held dearly away for the practical benefit of everyone but me. Yes it’s true, I’ve been codependent, but I plan to change this. Who would have known that others creation of my new life would not work despite their best intentions for me. The funny thing is, I’m okay with it because I know God knows me and wants me to be happy. Well, at least I feel this way right now. Things have really changed in the past few days. My wife and I found out our contract was being canceled (no fault of ours) and that we needed to move. Fortunately we had made a decision about what we would do when it was time to move. We just thought we had a year. First though I should mention that I really need a break from the church, especially as the Sunday School President. Though I was committed to teach gospel doctrine I didn’t want to. I need a chance to experience life without everything cluttering it. I also just found out that we are receiving some extra money. This will give us some flexibility and allow me to reposition my career, getting me closer to my previous film making interests. I also don’t plan to continue going to church, at least for a while. Here is the part that’s strange: I actually believe that Joseph Smith saw God. I believe it! I know it’s hard for some to accept but that’s okay. My wife struggles a lot with JS, and that’s okay with me. That’s her spiritual journey. Many prophets of old have done things that are hard to accept. I have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ! Yea! I still have some faith in me. But, I don’t have a testimony at all of the current church institution. I also have a supportive wife who has her struggles. So… my marriage is going to hold together just fine. We are going down the same road hand in hand. And… we are okay if the other chooses to return to church. (My wife may continue and I’m fine with that.) She’s also fine with me not continuing. We’ve been through so much together that there is very few things that would pull us a part. Frankly, she’s been struggling a lot longer then me. Until recently I was the TBM dragging her to church.
Here’s the thing, I feel like I am being honest and true to myself. God is opening a door for me to be able to take my spiritual journey and I am so thankful. I feel a sense of peace. Instead of being moved by suggestions of others or choosing my career path under church leaders direction, I am grabbing my career and making my own choices. I believe that God never intended for me to be controlled by another person; even if it’s supposed to be by inspiration and a priesthood blessing. I can’t explain how my codependence started without mentioning more details about my life, but I know that I’ve found the problem and am fixing it. Thank you for that.
I don’t know where this is going to lead me. I am taking a spiritual journey that may or may not lead me back to activity in the church. But it’s giving me more peace then I’ve had in a very long time. Is it a little scary? yes. But yet I feel comfortable about it. In fact I feel it’s right for me. The truth is I hope that my spiritual journey will lead me to a point where I will embrace the current church. That would make me very happy. But I’m not going to continue my life in fear of others rejections of me. I’ve also chosen not to tell my family. I live far away from most of them. I don’t see any point in making a big deal out of things. If they find out they find out.
Anyway, I know some would say that I’m going in the wrong direction, but my conscience tells me otherwise. So next week we move and my new spiritual journey begins. It’s amazing to me that this has worked out without me forcing it to; in such a timely manner. In fact I tried to salvage it the best I could, but then I realized that it was meant to be. The cancellation of the contract was not my fault, making the change so much easier. My heart is still with the church, but I don’t know where I fit in all of this.
Anyway, if you having any advice for me from experience in doing this please feel free to share. (Come on, give me a shot of codependence!
godlives, You sound at peace, and confident. I also think that is what God wants us to feel…we are not meant to be dependent on the church leaders to tell us what to do for careers or family life. But I have found they do help with spiritual guidance for me.
It sounds like your journey is leading you to where you need to go to be happier. I also like your open-mindedness, and that you think you might come back to the church again someday. Perhaps being away from it will help remind you what you liked about it, or being away from it for a while might make it easier to forget some of those little experiences you get randomly during church service that remind you why you stay.
But walking forward with faith is a good way to go. You don’t sound like you have lots of anger and bitterness clouding your view. I think sometimes God points us to a strange pathway when he feels we’re ready for such a journey. It doesn’t matter what others think about it…if it is something you feel is right for you and brings peace to your soul. Just watch for the warning signs to make sure you aren’t heading to a palce others have learned is not a good destination!! As long as you don’t see yourself heading to danger, I think you can find some great scenery off the beaten path!
No I’m not bitter at all. I try not to focus on my negative experiences and more on my positive ones with members; though I’m not perfect at it. How can I be angry at people that were trying to help me the best they knew how. I’ve been the receiver of much kindness in the church, more than most. But, things went way off in a direction that almost destroyed who I was. To be honest my biggest concerns aren’t about my needs as much as they are my two children. I feel very comfortable with the direction I’m taking spiritually. In my view children need to be taught spiritual/moral principles. However, I don’t want them to become narrow minded as many are in the church. My only fear (really) is that some day I may wake up and realize the church is true and my children never had a chance to try it out for themselves. If this were ever to happen I would feel extremely sad. On the other hand I do have a lot of peace in my heart, a lot more then I’ve had for a long time. I’m still praying about my kids needs but if any of you have experiences with this please share them with me.
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