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Thought we were past this but… My wife’s family has not handled my resignation well, imho. They’re engineer TBM’s and absolutely freaked when they found out. Of course, instead of talking to me about it, they have been abusing my wife in some of the most crazy ways imaginable. Never a word to me. My amazing DW had a horrible phone call with her only sibling, her sister, a couple days ago and, in her heart, would like to never communicate with her again. In her head, she feels compelled to maintain a “relationship”. My DW completely accepts me for who I am and loves me unconditionally (which may be what is driving her family crazy). I can take or leave her family because I’ve found a path to emotional health in this process. I will love and support my DW no matter what and I’m not going to be telling her what to do or what I think she should do or anything like that, I just want to support.
Has anyone else had a similar situation and maybe tried different strategies with success or not or whatever? Ideas?
I’m sorry to hear that swimordie. My situation is a little different, but similar. My dad has a real bad temper, and my wife has a real hard time with it. I have a hard time with his temper as well, but I’ve grown up with it my entire life. I want to maintain a relationship (sometimes my dad can be real cool), but I also have to respect my wife’s feelings. My wife doesn’t enjoy hosting my parents when they come for a visit, but she puts up with it. I’ve really had to distance myself from my parents, but I don’t want to completely shut them out either. The result has been spending a radically greater amount of time with her family, than mine.
As a person in you wife’s situation, it is a tough tightrope. I don’t really have any words of advice, but I ask you to be understanding when she tries to play peacemaker with her family. She and I are in a tough situation, and I’m not sure how to navigate these troubling waters either.
mormonheretic wrote:
My situation is a little different, but similar. My dad has a real bad temper, and my wife has a real hard time with it. I have a hard time with his temper as well, but I’ve grown up with it my entire life. I want to maintain a relationship (sometimes my dad can be real cool), but I also have to respect my wife’s feelings. My wife doesn’t enjoy hosting my parents when they come for a visit, but she puts up with it. I’ve really had to distance myself from my parents, but I don’t want to completely shut them out either. The result has been spending a radically greater amount of time with her family, than mine.
Are you my DH? .. In hiding
To the OP ..Your wife sounds like an amazing person, you are so lucky. It really is too bad .. The wedges “Things” like this put between family members.Is it the Churches fault-That maybe encourages the behavior..Is it the individuals fault? I think a little of both. Be patient with them, I can’t speak for them but I’m sure they view you as a threat to their daughter – Hopefully your SIL isn’t telling your wife to “Not settle” for less than “Best”(IOW divorce in any way!). (I hear it at Church a lott – The “Older women will be sure to tell the young women to basically Marry a RM(regardless if they are kind,funny,honest or not B/C as long as you go on a mission..You are perfect right?!) -They beat around the bush a little! BUT I hear it all the time) Once you dropped the ball .. Well before it was Us vs. Them AND you use to “Be” the us BUT now you are a “Them”. I don’t mean to put words in mouths but I’m just trying to say..Can you blame them? This is eternity they are thinking about .. The Church is their life literally – I’m sure your SIL is trying to do what she thinks (Knows) is right for her sister by trying to talk her into “Thinking” over, being patient and accepting of you. It must be very hard for your wife. BUT it sounds like your battle is won in a way! Your wife understands
I would say if you ever get a chance to be around them .. Let them know that you will answer their questions .. That you are an adult and they are adults – No need to USE your wife! Let them know it isnt fair to put stress on your wife. Set boundaries and don’t let them degrade you – Be kind and patient with them – Just as you would like to be treated. Try to be in “The Right” and accept their beliefs. If they can’t learn to respect, love and accept you .. Well the ball will be in their court.
Sorry I ramble on .. And my sentences are messy.
My situation is radically different, since I love and admire my in-laws greatly and they adore me, but I also am glad that my wife and I moved across country a few months after we got married and still live in a different part of the country than they do. My father-in-law has been an amazing support during my extended unemployment – even sending us money so my wife could quit her job early and focus on getting ready to move. He’s a wonderful man – but there are certain things about him that have caused wide-spread issues with all of his children. My only advice is to take this opportunity to internalize truly the characteristics in the Sermon on the Mount – not in a judgmental way, but in a truly accepting way. If you can learn to love and accept them without anger or undue frustration (not ANY frustration, since that might be impossible) for who they are, not who you want them to be, then they might be able some day to reciprocate and do the same for you. They might not, but it’s more important FOR YOU that you make that effort than that they change.
I haven’t been in that situation, but it really sounds like you are dealing with it in an amazing and very mature way so far. Have love for them and be patient. Those are the Christ-like attributes THEY are supposed to practice (as members of a Church that teaches those ideas). Show them a good example. From observation of other people in your situation over time, I think family and friends calm down over time. When they see you are still the same person, perhaps even better and more happy, it sinks in over time.
Quote:From observation of other people in your situation over time, I think family and friends calm down over time. When they see you are still the same person, perhaps even better and more happy, it sinks in over time.
AMEN.It’s the same thing that happens to quite a few people when they join the Church. Sometimes it takes a long time, but those who adjust the fastest are those whose convert family member accepts them and doesn’t appear to condemn them – who shares the Gospel in natural and non-pushy ways, not those who try to insist their family members believe. Be Christ-like; everything else will happen as it will happen, but you will be better for it.
Thank you all for your thoughtful words. LaLaLove wrote:I would say if you ever get a chance to be around them .. Let them know that you will answer their questions .. That you are an adult and they are adults – No need to USE your wife!
This is exactly my dilemma (not my wife’s as stated above). They literally never mention anything or even allude to anything when I’m around. They just pretend like everything’s okay, which has made it quite easy for me. But my DW bears the entire brute force of their lashing out. I don’t know if it’s my place to start that conversation and I fear it could make it even worse for my wife, if that’s possible. I had that conversation with my parents and it went well, mostly because I just stayed calm and focused on my love and appreciation for them and for Christ’s example/sacrifice/mercy (which at this point is what I’ve put all my chips on)
Funny side story: I told my parents at the end of Sunday dinner and I saw my dad clear the table and do the dishes for the first time in my life.
swimordie wrote:Thank you all for your thoughtful words.
LaLaLove wrote:I would say if you ever get a chance to be around them .. Let them know that you will answer their questions .. That you are an adult and they are adults – No need to USE your wife!
This is exactly my dilemma (not my wife’s as stated above). They literally never mention anything or even allude to anything when I’m around. They just pretend like everything’s okay, which has made it quite easy for me. But my DW bears the entire brute force of their lashing out. I don’t know if it’s my place to start that conversation and I fear it could make it even worse for my wife, if that’s possible. I had that conversation with my parents and it went well, mostly because I just stayed calm and focused on my love and appreciation for them and for Christ’s example/sacrifice/mercy (which at this point is what I’ve put all my chips on)
Funny side story: I told my parents at the end of Sunday dinner and I saw my dad clear the table and do the dishes for the first time in my life.
DH told MIL and FIL that I have problems with the Church (I think DH mentioned I don’t trust JS or something ) BC MIL called me the next day saying .. THE Church is true, Polygamy was needed b/c of more women than men … And started spitting out simple answers to random things that DH must have told her about. Great phone call let me tll you! That was just a few days ago. NOW we have a trip coming up ( for about a week and a half) were I will be driving ONLY MIL AND FIL for about 12 hours back and forth. DH won’t be going .. Just them and I. AND I’m so SO not looking forward to talking about polygamy … OR anything else Chuch related for that matter.But anyway about my quote .. I was trying to say they need to leave your wife alone – b/c it is not right of them to push answers out or try to sway her into not trusting you or something crazy. Just be careful don’t let them weaken communication in anyway between your wife and you. If my DH was ok with it and I was in your situation I would listen to what SIL was telling my DH .. Find out if I have anything I would personally need to address – BUT I’m somewhat confrontational when it comes to stuff like this – Not doctrine stuff – Just he said she said stuff. I’m not the best example.
This is exactly my dilemma (not my wife’s as stated above). They literally never mention anything or even allude to anything when I’m around. They just pretend like everything’s okay, which has made it quite easy for me. But my DW bears the entire brute force of their lashing out.
They are being seriously dysfunctional and passive dude.
swimordie wrote:I don’t know if it’s my place to start that conversation and I fear it could make it even worse for my wife, if that’s possible. I had that conversation with my parents and it went well, mostly because I just stayed calm and focused on my love and appreciation for them and for Christ’s example/sacrifice/mercy (which at this point is what I’ve put all my chips on)
You know. I’m thinking you probably need to do the same thing with your in-laws. It might be a good thing to come to your wife’s defense in this case. I don’t mean come in with guns a-blazing, but bring up the topic. Flush them out of the underbrush, and don’t let them play all passive and pretend like they don’t know in your presence. They might even sense deep down they are wrong about their reaction. They might fear seeing you as a calm and loving “non-believer.” You know what I mean? “Apostates” are supposed to grow horns and breathe flames or something like that…
Seriously though, just bring it up some time soon when you are around them and might all have some time to talk. Say “Hey, I heard the [DW] told you about my resignation from the Church. How do you feel about that? Want to talk about it?”
Sorry to hear that. You sound so loving and supportive of your wife, that is sad to hear she has to carry that burden. Let me just give you my experience from another angle. It may not directly apply, but maybe there is a kernal of something to learn from it.
My sister’s brother left the church, and was hostile with the bishop and all the members who tried to come over and convince him he was on a path to hell, which only fueled his anger to the church. It ended up ugly, with fights with his wife, separation, and divorce. (like I said, doesn’t sound the same thing for you at all).
As family members, we were really concerned about him and his change in lifestyle. We wanted to call and talk to him. We wanted to help him remember the church is a church of love, not fear or hate, and that there was too much good in it for him to throw it all away.
Again, that made him mad we were being so judgmental about him, and he said we were talking down to him. I thought we were just trying to reach out in love, but it wasn’t received well and reminded me that there is a time and place for my opinions.
His dad (my FIL) disowned him. I remember taking another approach. Just trying to love him as a brother, whatever he wants to do. I got to know his live-in girlfriend, I talked about golf and subjects we had in common. I told his kids to not view him as a monster, but to respect him as a father, like Nephi did to Lehi. There was one other individual in the church that treated him the same way. And he told us we were the only ones that made him feel we cared about him, regardless of the church. He has since been remarried, never talks to his kids, has become an alcoholic and I honestly feel he is really unhappy. I think his problems go deeper than “the church is true” or “the church is false”. He has issues that were never dealt with.
In sharing that, my idea to you was not to make any opinion on the road you are on. Indeed, you situation sounds totally different, where your wife is amazing and you treat her amazing, and you seem happy. My thoughts are more around how people seem to react at others who leave the church, and I think it comes out of fear that mormon doctrine teaches those people go to hell. I think that is very narrow minded. Instead of respecting you and appreciating you for how your treat their daughter/sister, they seem to have to focus on the church being right or not. And it isn’t about that.
I guess, the impression I got when I read your note was to try to suggest (for you and your in-laws) to separate differences in church opinions with relationships with each other. I know that is easier said then done, but I think it should be that way.
I have referenced this talk before, but I will again: David B Haight’s talk “People to People”. I think our families and church friends need to remember that the person is what is important. Chirst’s teachings are what is important, and he taught about love, and acceptance, and helping others.
It sounds like you have found a peaceful place, and your wife has also. Perhaps you need to show her family love by example, and hope they will talk about it with mutual respect. I feel for you, though. I don’t think I’ve experienced it myself, only been on the other end when I’ve tried to get out of my TBM shell and just accept my brother-in-law for who he was.
Yes, if they’re only talking to your wife, I think you need to broach the subject with them. I don’t always say the most tactful things, but let me make an attempt. Perhaps you can tone this down if it is too confrontational. You could say something like, “I know you’ve been talking to my wife about my leaving the church. I would prefer you direct those questions to me, because you’re putting her in a difficult situation that she does not deserve. I don’t know if you’re trying to break up our marriage or not, but by talking only to her about my situation, you’re not helping our marriage. We all know how stressful marriage can be, and I would like to talk with you calmly, openly, and with respect. Please help me strengthen my marriage, my faith in God, and my relationship with you.”
What do you think? (Maybe you could even write a letter so you can be sure you say things as nicely and calmly as possible. Perhaps your wife could help edit the letter?)
Wow, I’m so appreciative of all of your thoughtful comments! Thank you! There’s a pretty good chance we’re all going to be together in a couple weeks so, based on what happens between now and then, I may have a talk with them all. The short time I’ve been following this forum, I’ve felt myself get in a better place around being calm in the face of disagreement and more objective about the importance of personal journey/where we all are (thanks Ray
Also, a few of your comments made it seem like there might be tension in my marriage over this. In fact, the opposite is true. My DW went through the process of de-coupling from her parents to choose me. Yes, she is the most amazing person in the world. Our marriage actually went to a level of intimacy that I never thought imaginable. More honesty, keener consciousness, unconditional love and acceptance, etc. We truly are one in Christ because, as I stated before, we’re at His absolute mercy. (Very peaceful, joyous place, btw)
Thank you again to all.
I’m open to more comments too if anyone has been through a similar situation or know someone who has.
Swimordie, Even if your marriage is in good shape, I still don’t think it’s helpful for your in-laws to be talking about you (behind your back) to your wife. It’s not fair to her or you, and certainly causes her stress. So maybe it is an exaggeration to say it is interfering with your marriage, but I think it’s still an appropriate thing to say to her parents. Certainly their comments are not helpful to your situation, which is not an exaggeration at all. You’re absolutely right, MH. I’m not unaware of the moments of stress this causes her and I try to be as supportive as possible. The monumental change that has brought us closer as a couple dwarfs those stressful moments, but they are there. Today, I actually brought up the prospect of my talking to her family. She is not against it but she wants to know of their openness to the prospect first.
swimordie, this is going to be “wrong” advice on at least one level, but if it means anything to her family, tell them one of the people with whom you are talking to work through your concerns is a high councilor who works regularly with people in situations like yours. I really, really, really don’t like playing the “church calling card”, but if it works for some people who give extra weight to that sort of thing, it works for those people. 🙄
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