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I’m assuming you’re talking about yourself, Ray? Because I’m not talking to any church leaders. (Though my bishop was completely understanding and supportive and he actually turned me on to the ecclesiastical brochure on talking to victims of abuse, in my case, emotional abuse) Yup – and it was at least half tongue-in-cheek. 
You may also want to prepare yourself prior to talking to them and discuss with your wife what you think expectations of the conversation are. I have seen even with good intentions, the result of the confrotation is they can attack you with doctrine and scripture and words to express what they’ve been thinking or pent up as things they’ve wanted to say for a long time. Many of those words are emotionally charged and not their real feelings, if they really thought about it.
That can be difficult to take, and usually isn’t fair, especially if you are the one trying to peacefully approach them.
My advice is (depending on what you want to accomplish), be prepared, that no matter they say, you don’t have to convince them of anything, just like they will never convince you of anything. As long as they don’t cross the line (that you must draw), love them despite their words.
I saw this with a family struggling with SSA, and after venting a lot of things that were hurtful, they afterwards saw how calm and loving and sincere their son was, and they realized they were being unfair. It has since helped them get back to level ground of talking and treating each other as families, not as labels.
I’m not trying to be a dooms-dayer…just thought I’d add that you should probably think about the expectations prior to going into the conversation, so you will be prepared to handle yourself the way you would like to regardless of their reaction.
This is why I have not told anyone in my family about my DH’s disaffection. Not that I think they would berate my DH, but because I would never want to change the way they see him. Of course, this works because he is remaining active. However, if he were to leave the church, we would have to tell my family. It would be devastating, but I know my family would still love him. But it would be MY RESPONSIBILITY to set the guidelines with my family, with DH at my side. Remember the movie, “Meet the Parents”? That movie ENRAGED me because the girlfriend basically threw her fiance’ to the wolves. SHE knew her family and what they would put him through and did nothing to prepare him, intervene on his behalf, be his advocate, etc.. I am not suggesting that swimordie’s DW has thrown him to the wolves, on the contrary. She sounds like an amazing, supportive spouse. But she really needs to express to her family that she loves DH, the marriage is better than ever, and what she really needs from her family is their love and support, not their advice or consternation. She is a married, adult woman. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done. I am a total daddy’s girl and the thought of this conversation makes my heart skip a beat. But if it was needed in order to maintain my sanity and the peace in my marriage, you better believe it would happen.
Swimordie, maybe the best thing for you to do is sit down with your DW and her family. Tell them of your love for her and that you would NEVER ask her to choose between yourself and them, or between yourself and the church. They are probably scared that they may “lose” their daughter. Assure them that nothing could be farther from the truth. Have your DW express to them HER feelings about the whole situation. If they are loving parents, they will not want to hurt her. They may not even know that their actions are causing her stress. They probably believe that if she presses the issue with you, that you will change your mind. Tell them that you love your wife so desparately that if that were actually the case, you would never have gone down this road in the first place. Tell them that this is between you and the Lord. Tell them that the closest thing to godliness you have found on this earth is the love of your DW.
I guess that is the biggest reason why I would never leave my DH. The closest thing to godliness that I have found on this earth is the way he loves me. If god loves me half as much as my DH does, I know He will make everything allright.
I think pinkpatent and heber gave you good advice. Make sure you think that the conversation could be productive, or it probably is better off not having it. If the in-laws are emotionally immature, maybe it’s better not to have the conversation. But if some good can be had, then I think it is time to address them. Pinkpatent’s advice is excellent,
Quote:Tell them of your love for her and that you would NEVER ask her to choose between yourself and them, or between yourself and the church. They are probably scared that they may “lose” their daughter. Assure them that nothing could be farther from the truth. Have your DW express to them HER feelings about the whole situation. If they are loving parents, they will not want to hurt her. They may not even know that their actions are causing her stress. They probably believe that if she presses the issue with you, that you will change your mind. Tell them that you love your wife so desparately that if that were actually the case, you would never have gone down this road in the first place. Tell them that this is between you and the Lord. Tell them that the closest thing to godliness you have found on this earth is the love of your DW.
I second being careful again! When MIL called me and tried to confront my dissaffection .. She had answers for everything. ( I didn’t even do any talking ) It is like she went off a checklist ( of what DH must have told her ). Polygamy – “Well honey there were just more women than men back then – No need to worry about it”. Check.
The Church – “The Church is perfect – The people aren’t”. Check.
Don’t worry about anything – Focus on the Temple. Check.
Read The new Church history lesson manual … OUR HERITAGE it has All the history I would need to know about. Check.
FIL is a convert ( who can shelf his struggles) AND he can do it! Check.
Lastly she told me FIL and her loved me so much and they knew I believed.
So in the end there were a lott of “Yeahs” .. “Uh-Huhs” and I honestly didn’t want to be talked AT – BUT really was she trying to be understanding OR .. did she have all the answers played out. It will be hard talking to anyone that in their heart isn’t listening .. And I’m sure it will frustrate you – Time heals … You never know they might accept and truly listen someday.
Mind you – This is coming from a person who just can’t seem to talk to anyone seriously about things b/c I start crying .. Obviously I’m still pretty hurt from the whole process..Maybe I’ll talk in a few years once I figure myself out.
I don’t really think it’s necessary to lay everything out on the table at once .. If you are comfortable talk .. If they are comfortable ( AND civilized ) they can talk. Take it slowly. Some of your beliefs are personal – They don’t need to know everything.
Quote:I don’t really think it’s necessary to lay everything out on the table at once .. If you are comfortable talk .. If they are comfortable ( AND civilized ) they can talk. Take it slowly. Some of your beliefs are personal – They don’t need to know everything.
This is excellent advice. Take it at whatever speed is right for the situation, and, if you have to err, err on the side of caution and not pushing too hard.
pinkpatent wrote:Tell them that this is between you and the Lord. Tell them that the closest thing to godliness you have found on this earth is the love of your DW.
That is an absolutely beautiful sentiment. Thank you.
And thank you all for your comments. This has been an incredibly important thread for me and ALL of your insight is impactful and meaningful. Every post has given me insight and moments of clarity and epiphanies. Thank you all again, and keep it coming. I know I can’t be too prepared for this.
The only advice I can add for both you and your wife is: 1 – Don’t get hooked. It sounds like you are both doing well at this so far.
2 – The person with the most awareness has the most responsibility. So far, that sounds like the both of you.
3 – Just be loving and show that you and your wife are committed to each other. Knowing that you put their daughter’s happiness first will go a long way toward assuaging their feelings, especially as they see it evidenced in your actions over time.
I think you might be interested in a post I wrote a little while ago: My Marriage as a Metaphor for My Church (
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=238 I’m not sure exactly why that popped into my head right now, so I hope it is inspired.
Thanks Ray. That is a beautiful thought and very prescient about my relationship with my wife. hawkgrrrl wrote:1 – Don’t get hooked. It sounds like you are both doing well at this so far.
hawk, I love your #2 and 3 but I’m not sure what you meant on this one. Explain?
By “don’t get hooked” I mean don’t get hooked into someone else’s argument or emotion or drama. People try to hook you (or in this case your wife) to get you involved in what is primarily their concern. Understood. That will be the most difficult part for me, by far. Being a person who always feels the need to “prove” stuff, I’ll be doing brain flips till my head explodes. If I’m lucky.
Which brings up another thought: My dad is orthodox TBM and he “knows” everything. (I’m sure this is where I get it) Are there other thought processes that have worked for all of you that are both intellectually honest and conformist without being confrontational? Stages of faith comes to mind but I’m thinking more along the lines of what a TBM would accept and/or embrace. I guess what I’m trying to say is where is some middle ground we can work from that will satisfy all parties? Is that possible? (I’m not saying that I will try it but, it’d be nice to build a mental framework that is totally non-confrontational for both sides, however naive that is)
swimordie wrote:Are there other thought processes that have worked for all of you that are both intellectually honest and conformist without being confrontational? Stages of faith comes to mind but I’m thinking more along the lines of what a TBM would accept and/or embrace. I guess what I’m trying to say is where is some middle ground we can work from that will satisfy all parties? Is that possible? (I’m not saying that I will try it but, it’d be nice to build a mental framework that is totally non-confrontational for both sides, however naive that is)
I believe the middle ground is to not try to convince others of your ideas and not let others convince you of what “they know”. Find the common thread that you both share and you find you agree on more than you disagree. Why spend time on the smaller percentage of topics you don’t agree on when there is more you do agree on?
Loving, kind, gentle, meek approaches that are intellectually honest have worked for me. I think the stages of faith are getting past the confrontation of my ideas vs your ideas, and reaching a point you are accepting of everyone else and their opinions, even if their opinions are TBM and they think they are right, you respect their devotion in that, but don’t have to agree with it. It doesn’t need to turn confrontational unless I become confrontational.
Thanks Heber, I think that is what I hope to do/be. btw, it’s on. We will all be together in one week, though the occasion has nothing to do with me/my “struggle”. (I love the way I get framed by my TBM in-laws)
My DW and I are still undecided whether to broach the subject but when she told me last night on the phone that we would be together with them, I had a physical reaction of dread. You know, that numb feeling when it seems blood is leaving your body. Weird, cause I thought I was past that. Why I thought that, I have no idea. Possibly because I’ve come so far with my own parents, talking it out, expressing things, etc. and I haven’t had that chance with my in-laws.
Why do I feel like the bad guy when I know in my heart I’m one of the good guys?
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