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I’m in a strange place right now. I feel like I’m doing little more than just going through the motions of life, passing the time. I’m not sure what I’m looking for in creating the thread. Maybe a place to vent, a place for unorganized thought to congeal, whatever. Of course any advice would be appreciated. To make a long story short life has been extremely hectic lately. So many crazy things happened last month that if I were to tell you’d think I was making up half of it! The only thing missing from last month was Adam Chandler locking his twin brother Stuart away in a secluded part of his home. Now on to church related things.
I changed church units. Nothing dramatic to report in that regard, just a simple move. I know a fair amount of people in my new unit so I didn’t feel bad about giving them a heads up on some of the things I was currently juggling and how now probably wasn’t the best time to accept a calling. I’m starting to settle into the new ward but the experience is unsettling nonetheless.
I don’t feel like I fit culturally in my new ward. So much so that for the very first time ever I’m starting to weigh options on reducing my activity level. I chalk this up in part to me being on the far extremity of the introversion scale. I’d love to work my way back towards the middle of that scale but that’s either against my very nature or at the very least it’s something I’m going to have to work extremely hard at.
I don’t think a nuanced faith is much of a contributing factor in my standoffishness, I actually want to get back into the traditional church routines of holding a calling, etc., I see my nuanced faith as playing the role of liberator. It makes taking a step back a viable, guilt-free option for me, that wasn’t the case in the past. So now I find myself in the position of having super autonomy. I’m at church because I really, truly want to be there, not because of guilt, god, or any other reason that doesn’t well up from within. New found freedom can be a bit paralyzing, like a form of analysis paralysis.
Another thing, I’ve gone through quite a bit over the last several years, both in going through a FC and the events that facilitated the crisis. I feel like the experiences I’ve had have alienated me from most people. People in general (not just people at church) get harder and harder to relate to. Of course no one knows what other people are going through but as I sit in EQ I feel like I’m in there with a bunch of innocent children. I want to be careful and state that I’m not saying that I feel like I’m in an elevated position to
anyonein the quorum, rather I get the impression that I can’t relate to them and they can’t relate to me. I’m not in their tribe… but that realization makes my thoughts wander toward wondering if I’m subconsciously walling myself off into a tribe of one. Strange times. I’m completely clear and free to make my own choice and my choice is to engage with the church… a group that I really can’t relate to anymore. I recognize that my inability to relate to people extends far beyond just the people at church so now I wonder if finding a way to engage with the church somehow ironically holds the key to my salvation.
As you can see… I’m mental.
I’ve thought about seeing a shrink but I’d hate to actually pay someone just to tell me the same things that have been endlessly bouncing around in my head. Sometimes you logically know what needs to be done but transitioning to action is the more difficult thing.
I was about to suggest seeing a therapist as I have found that they can help you. Sorry for the hard times. As great as this site is, it sounds like you need to have someone to meet with face to face. I do wish there was a better network for finding someone like that. I don’t know if there is a difference between a therapist and a counselor. I have seen a counselor. It can be really nice just to talk. I have reduced my participation at church over the years. Over the last year I would work in the mornings and get to church just as sacrament was ending and then go to my calling in primary. I was there but also pretty diconnected to what was going on outside of primary. What I worry about is it being a feedback loop. I don’t fit in so I pull back. Others notice my pull back. They either judge me as less faithful or reach out to me with a “we miss you at church” or both. I feel less comfortable at church events and pull back further.
I currently am in a bit of a holding pattern in regards to church particiapation but I do still worry about the trajectory.
nibbler wrote:I’m not in their tribe… but that realization makes my thoughts wander toward wondering if I’m subconsciously walling myself off into a tribe of one.
In a way that is what transitioning out of stage 3 faith is all about. You are no longer in lock-step with your tribe on issues as you develop a more personalized faith and faith journey. There needs to be a certain level of comfort with being a salmon in a sea of trout.
Another way to look at it is that you are now joining the global tribe as you learn to see the shared experiences common to the human condition. There is a wide world out there full of people. Can we connect with them without the shorthand of a common belief system? Can we do good and make a difference without an assignment? (speaking generally and not to you personally nibbler)
Nibbler, excellent post! From reading different people’s posts over the past few months, it seems like what you’re describing is pretty normal. We hear from members on this site who are single that they worry about finding a spouse who isn’t TBM, but also isn’t anti-mormon. We, on this site, are in a unique position. We have an unorthodox view of the church, and yet we aren’t rushing to leave it. That can be a lonely place when there aren’t others around you who share that view. Just yesterday, I was in Primary and they said that all of the teachers could go to the RS Room for a special meeting for all of the adult members of the ward. I chose to pass on the special meeting and stay in Primary. I knew that I’d enjoy sitting in Primary more than joining all of the adults, regardless of what the ‘special’ topic was. So, I have ways of building wall, just as you described. I’ve also become a master of changing the subject when family members start talking about the church. I like your term “analysis paralysis.” I’ve gone through that, but never had a way to put it into words. That nails it! nibbler wrote:Another thing, I’ve gone through quite a bit over the last several years, both in going through a FC and the events that facilitated the crisis. I feel like the experiences I’ve had have alienated me from most people. People in general (not just people at church) get harder and harder to relate to. Of course no one knows what other people are going through but as I sit in EQ I feel like I’m in there with a bunch of innocent children. I want to be careful and state that I’m not saying that I feel like I’m in an elevated position to
anyonein the quorum, rather I get the impression that I can’t relate to them and they can’t relate to me. I’m not in their tribe… but that realization makes my thoughts wander toward wondering if I’m subconsciously walling myself off into a tribe of one.
I know what you mean, but sometimes people surprise me. I’ll go out on a limb in a (private) conversation, and they go farther. Only very occasionally, but it’s worth the effort it takes to engage. The best thing, as this FC wears on, is that I care less and less about what people think of me. I’m still at ridiculously high levels, but I know it’s coming down. I’m also working to make my non-LDS relationships deeper and more honest.
Sometimes when I feel I don’t relate to people anymore, it’s actually me realizing that I don’t relate to my old self. My faith crisis and health issues were a perfect storm that washed away so much of what I had invested in. But I’m still alive, and I’m still going to church, a trying to find new ways to do both.
Good luck.
🙂 You’ll let us know how it goes?I’ve had phases where I have tried to reduce or avoid the things that cause me angst in my life or at church. After going one by one trying to let go of things that cause me suffering, then after a while I realize I’ve done a decent job eliminating things of little value that were harming me. But then…I also realize I feel I’m missing something too. So then I have to set out to find things to replace the empty spots left. The good thing is I get to choose what to add back that enrich my life. Besides reading philosophy or writings from other religions, I found exercise and hobbies to be good additions back in to fill gaps of things I let go of. Remember, Nibbler, it’s not just about stopping the pain…it is also about growing the soul…however you choose to do that.
Find something you can be passionate about.
Eliminating something without adding something else only leaves holes – and leaves that from which the things were eliminated less than it was. Don’t let yourself become less. You’re worth too much for that.
Some face to face with people in similar circumstances would be nice. I’ve kicked around the idea of searching out support groups. One thing you typically find in those types of environments is that person A hears person B’s story and comes away thinking that their situation isn’t so bad after all… and somehow person B hears person A’s story and comes away thinking that their situation isn’t so bad after all. 🙂 –
Yes, a feedback loop is definitely a risk. In fact I ask myself if fighting it is something I should bother doing. There’s nothing wrong with being me and if this is me, why stress over it?
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Thanks for you kind words Holy Cow.
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Ann wrote:Sometimes when I feel I don’t relate to people anymore, it’s actually me realizing that I don’t relate to my old self.
Interesting. Certainly something to meditate on.
Heber13 wrote:Find something you can be passionate about.
Old-Timer wrote:Eliminating something without adding something else only leaves holes – and leaves that from which the things were eliminated less than it was.
Yeah, I guess this is a large part of it. Health issues robbed me of my old passion, I had to give it up completely about 9 months ago. I’m doing physical therapy but that’s mostly to get me to function from day to day. Pro tip: find lots of passions – that way you can ramp up other passions when you’re not able to do others.
The issue is that I’ve added too many things, things that I’d
neverhave chosen myself, and there’s so much it’s overwhelming. Eliminating things becomes a requisite survival instinct and I’ve had to eliminate many things I’d rather not eliminate in order to make room. That’s probably the reason life feels like going through the motions; I’m not living my life. Sometimes life can become dealing with crisis after crisis and it’s completely outside of our control. I know the current situation is temporary, I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again. In fact I remember the last time things got similarly bad and feeling “well, I guess this is life now 😥 ” and then things got better after 3 or 4 months. What a short memory I have.I do apologize, this is probably the wrong board. This really doesn’t have anything to do with church, believe it or not I’m at peace with my faith. The church only becomes involved because that’s where most of my social interaction occurs. Those social interactions are providing the insights.
Social interactions and lifestyle and activities that take our time and our family’s time is a big part of the “living the gospel”. That’s why they use words like “active” and “committed”…it is a way of life we often benefit from. It’s totally appropriate to talk about in this support forum. I benefited from it for years as I raised a small family. Being so on the go and kids involved in activities at church and callings…some things were obligatory (going to socials to support those who spent time to organize activities)…being involved in the “club” is good for a time in our lives.
But when it stopped being beneficial and more of a drain, it was time to make an adjustment on “activity”.
Give yourself permission to slow down, focus on the most important things, prioritize, and find peace.
I’m “passionate” about Sunday naps
You’re the captain of your ship, you no longer have to keep trying the obligatory in hopes it will pay off some day. You have experience to choose what is the best use of time…even if that is Saturdays to yourself or Sunday naps. Meditating on why you feel something is missing is a good use of time.
Just got a couple of questions for you – How long have you been in the new ward for?
Is it a very cliquey small town ward based around families?
And I might as well ask, if the worst comes to the worst, is there another you can transfer to?
SamBee wrote:How long have you been in the new ward for?
I was in a unique situation. I was attending a different unit in our stake to fill an assignment, I simply transferred back to my home ward. I asked to be released back to my home ward so I could be with my family (they didn’t transfer their records with me). I wanted to be closer to family as we dealt with some difficult things in our extended family. I wasn’t quite ready to go back but I felt it was the best move given the circumstances.
SamBee wrote:Is it a very cliquey small town ward based around families?
No but there is an extremely high turnover. I was away from my home ward for several years and by the time I got back I’d guess that more than 75% of the people weren’t there when I originally took the assignment. I’ve been in my home ward for 15+ years and that’s pretty much the way it’s always been. Over a period of two years or so about 75% of the ward is replaced with new people (college town). It makes it difficult to make connections. If you’re the type that prefers few, deep, and lasting friendships knowing that most people you see in church aren’t going to be around in under two years time has its influence.
SamBee wrote:And I might as well ask, if the worst comes to the worst, is there another you can transfer to?
It’s a good ward so I don’t think it would ever come to that… and Ann’s right. It takes effort but right now it might be a matter of priorities.
Heber13 wrote:I’m “passionate” about Sunday naps
Passionate about naps. I like it. Enter into my rest and all that jazz.
I suppose you can still meet up with your old friends – get in contact with them, keep it going – at stake conference at least. On balance it doesn’t sound like a bad situation, but you’ve just got to work out the way in.
nibbler wrote:Strange times. I’m completely clear and free to make my own choice and my choice is to engage with the church… a group that I really can’t relate to anymore. I recognize that my inability to relate to people extends far beyond just the people at church so now I wonder if finding a way to engage with the church somehow ironically holds the key to my salvation.
There’s a lot in what you stated here, and I can relate. I look at the church as a laboratory of dealing with some people that I really can’t stand. It may sound harsh, and I’m a pretty tolerant person, but hear me out.
If you’re quiet and a little socially awkward like me, you have times that everything falls into place and you can do whatever you want to regardless of those around you, that is to say, your awkwardness doesn’t hinder you. Then there are people that you have to deal with, because of some power trip or self righteousness, they just throw a wrench into your gears.
These people may be well meaning and not have ulterior motives, but dealing with them is tough.
Maybe we’re supposed to deal with them, and learn to not be controlled by manipulators, act and not be acted upon.
So your statement about you salvation rings home to me as well. We become better people as we overcome. I am encouraged by your words and want to break out of the rut that I’m in as well.
LDS_Scoutmaster wrote:people that you have to deal with, because of some power trip or self righteousness, they just throw a wrench into your gears.
And I often feel like taking that wrench out of the gears and chunking it their thick cranium.
😈 LookingHard wrote:LDS_Scoutmaster wrote:people that you have to deal with, because of some power trip or self righteousness, they just throw a wrench into your gears.
And I often feel like taking that wrench out of the gears and chunking it their thick cranium.
😈 You’ll find those people everywhere.
I find the people in the church better in general than those outside the church, but there’s no doubt in my mind that our twin problems are pride/arrogance and “only obeying orders” (the Nuremberg defense.)
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