In the news and blaming the victim

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. You seem like a very strong person who wants to do what is best for your daughter. I would protect her at all costs. It is so sad that church members are treating you and your family like that. I know being in your situation changes how you feel about trusting others. I think going through something like this makes you more aware and cautious. I agree going to therapy can be very helpful. It will get better with time. When my family went through it we took one day at a time. It took a long time to work through the anger and we aren’t as trusting as we used to be.

[Anonymous]

RagDollSallyUT wrote:

Please someone tell me how to process this… how can they abuse us, many in the name of God…. (yes Utah religious zealots and their judgments are all over this) and still think they are good people? How come with when presented the choice of being part of a problem or part of a solution they can in good conscious choose to stand on the side of evil and hate? And still get temple recommends and think they are the righteous ones??? How can people take a basic outline of a story without any details at all and feel their super magic know-it-all powers can be so awesome that they know more than two police departments, 2 families and two victims and the additional witnesses… and still call themselves educated, smart, decent human beings???

My heart goes out to you, RDS.

How to process this?? Well…I think this is part of your journey. These are the things life has to teach us.

There has been lots of research in the psychology field of study recently on those who have been traumatized, and how they should learn to process the awful things that happen to some people, such as blaming the victims.

One researcher is writing a book, and shared with me this insight:

Quote:

As people grow up and go through life, they begin to experience a shattering of world views that seem to progress like this:

1. The world is safe shatters to become the world is not safe.

2. Good people tell the truth shatters to become all people lie and judge others.

3. I have power and control in my life becomes shattered to become bad things happen and I have no control.

These shattered world views sometimes toss those traumatized into a pit of despair (to reference The Princess Bride), and the best course of therapy and recovery comes from overcoming the despair and embracing real world views…such as:

Quote:

1. The world is not safe, and I can find safety in my home.

2. People lie and judge incorrectly, and I can find close friends and family to trust.

3. Some things in life are out of my control, and I can choose to move forward and be happy.

The maturation process becomes learning to correct expectations of the world, let go of worrying about what others think, and believing I am OK to be myself and can forge my life despite the things out of my control.

These principles also apply to those who have a Faith Crisis. World views are shattered, as one become thrust out of Fowler’s Stage 3 of Faith. Others in the church (still in Stage 3) judge the person in the faith crisis as not faithful enough, or having done something to deserve it. They simply don’t know what they don’t know, and therefore judge others from their point of view (see ObiWan quote in signature line). But some things are out of our control, despite being faithful in the church or following the church’s steps to protect from the adversary, it must rain on the just and unjust alike (See Neal A Maxwell talk: “Murmur Not” Ensign Oct 1989)

Free yourself from worrying about what others think. Fight for truth and right and protect yourself from others who attack. And learn to have compassion for those who “eyes have not yet been opened”, even if you cannot agree with them. Just know that one day, all truth will be known and injustices be corrected. Have faith in the Atonement.

And don’t be passive or be belligerent. Fight to protect your daughter and yourself and try to establish truth, while accepting some others will just never get it.

Whether it is legal actions, or testimonies of the church, these principles hold true in my experience.

[Anonymous]

So sorry.

My thoughts were essentially what Roy said, people sometimes comfort themselves by placing blame.

[Anonymous]

RDS, I am so sorry your daughter and family are going through this. Hold your heads up and do what is right for her and for your entire family. Try not to let your energy be pulled off into worrying about others and what they are saying. You will need your energy for healing, which will take work.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your experience. Victim blaming does occur in the Church, but it’s a deeply ingrained human reaction that is not specific to Mormons. Blaming the victim is a standard, biological defense mechanism within “good” people.

Good men blame the victim in order to assure themselves that they would never do such a thing, since they aren’t like the men who do such things.

Good women blame the victim to assure themselves that such things will never happen to them, since they don’t do whatever it is that they think causes it.

Bad people blame the victim to avoid responsibility.

The irony is that the good people have no idea that their reasoning is just as screwed up as the reasoning used by perpetrators – that it is just the opposite side of the same defense mechanism coin.

[Author]

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