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I joined the church in 1969. I was very active until 1999. I retired after working 32 years for the federal government. From 1999 to date, I have been diagnosed with diabetes, suffered a heart attack, had my gall bladder removed and broke my right femur. I am also bi-polar and have society anxiety disorder and severe depression. Medication keeps me on solid ground, and I am basically a happy person, but I have seemed to have lost my desire to attend church services or be active and am presently on an inactive status. I am 69, single, never married, no children and no family. After my last accident, I am now in a wheelchair 85% of the time. I often have trouble getting around. I have a VT and HT that seem to watch over me and visit once in a while. I read the Ensign each month to stay aware of what is happening in the church.
I guess I feel slighted by members of the Ward and their hands of fellowship. While I was laid out for a year relearning how to walk, no one called or stopped by to ask if I needed a ride to church, drop by with a meal, or to visit, not even a phone call.
This probably seems petty to some of you, but when you have no family around you and you spend 24/7 in the house, it isn’t long before you become disillusioned with not only your life, but also your spiritual needs seem to fade away.
The church preaches so much about family and RS speaks about being a good wife and mother and discusses all things pertaining to the happy household. What if this doesn’t pertain to you? What if there is no family to support you and help you when you are sick, or take you in when you are no longer able to take care of yourself. So many other faiths have assisted living facilities for their parishioneers to spend their remaining years. The LDS church needs to address these issues.
I have a great testimony of the church and faith in the church. I believe the BoM to be true. However, without attending meetings, partaking of the sacrament and associating with other members, I feel left out and maybe it is time to look for another church to meet my requirements.
Or, how do I get back the feeling I had when I first converted? How do I get reacquainted with members of my Ward. Do I take the initiative and call people and ask for rides or things I am not able to do for myself? I have asked my HT for rides to doctors’ visits, but he is older than I and just had a heart attack and I do not want to bother him. I just don’t know what to do. Am I just a big cry baby whose problems seem so minor compared to some I have read in the forum? I just want to be able to go to my church meetings and feel as if I belong and just not a visitor. It would be nice if people when seeing me, think I really should have her over to dinner sometime.
I just don’t know what to do and this indecision is taking me further and further away from the church.
Any suggestions? I feel that this is a very minor problem compared to the other ones I have read, but it is important to me and I hope you have some ideas.
Welcome, indecision. I hope we can be a community for you that is supportive – that you find help and acceptance here. Just as there are no purely intellectual issues, since every issue is emotional for someone, there are NO purely “minor” issues – since every issue is major to someone. Your loneliness absolutely is not a trivial thing – especially in a Church that is striving to build and maintain a “Zion” community.
A suggestion and a question:
1) You might enjoy the writing of Ardis Parshall. Her blog, “Keepapitchinin: The Mormon History blog” (
http://www.keepapitchinin.org/ ) is simply fabulous, and she also is single in a married church. She comments in various places in the Bloggernacle, and she often brings that perspective to the discussions in which she participates – that she unintentionally is left out of much of the social life of the LDS Church. I HIGHLY recommend her blog for someone in your situation.2) Have you expressed your feelings lovingly to your VT and HT? Have you proactively asked for help – like in getting to church? Many sincere people simply get overwhelmed in their own lives and forget to go the extra mile for others. They are good people, but, like all of us, they need a prod once in a while to be a little better and do a little more. There is NOTHING wrong with being that prod when you need the help so badly.
Well, my heart just goes out to you. With my own situation, I feel many of the same emotions. Where are the Saints? Too busy? Too self absorbed? Too unaware? Maybe we struggle to open our hearts to each other….or to interject ourselves into other peoples problems. I know I do. And I know I have lots of room for improvement in all these areas. I sometimes think the saints get caught up in looking good instead of really being good or trusting the good inside of them. Which is sad because our capacities for service go under nourished right along with the people we should be serving. I do think that in some cases the worldly attitudes of “take care of # 1” are creeping into our hearts and keeping us from our duties to “
mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort“. But I want to qualify this by saying that I think, at least in the RS, I see people trying; trying to discover needs without invading people’s privacy and urging the VTing/HTing forces to become more aware and involved. Mosiah 4 teaches us to “a dminister to their relief, both spiritually and temporally,according to their wants.” No one wants to help if the help isn’t wanted. So what is the answer for you. You seem to want involvement, support, and care from your fellow saints and you are perhaps hoping that they would come unsolicited. But sadly, they aren’t coming. Perhaps you need to kindly/gently reprove the Bishop by reminding him that their are parts of his ward garden that aren’t getting water. It might help to light a fire under them. Perhaps you are the match that could start some better habits in your ward.
It might also help if you were to inquire about other needs in the ward and seek ways in which you might give the very thing that you want. Many of us are lonely, but don’t look lonely. Hurting, but don’t look wounded. You may find yourself creating an unexpected friendship if you were to open a door.
LHS, I likewise am bipolar + anxiety, and I totally empathize with you in that regard. I’ve noticed that most people in general are extroverted, and in the Church most people will leave you alone or “respect your agency” because they assume you want to be left alone due to inactivity. I know that as I’ve expressed interest in others or asked for help or assistance I’ve noticed members open up more and become more inclusive. I know that my experience is subjective however I bet if you make some phone calls like you’ve mentioned you’ll be surprised and the ward may just open up more to you. Meet them halfway as best you can! One thing that has helped me get through similar experiences is looking upon those in the ward with compassion because they aren’t always choosing to be as Christlike as the Gospel teaches them, and I do my best to be an example for them.
Hope this helps.
quietblue brings up a good point: Sometimes members have tried to reach out to a member who isn’t attending and been yelled at and told to leave the member alone – to quit “making me a project” or “bothering me”. It can be hard sometimes for those members to reach out again, if their experience is that they get kicked in the teeth for doing so.
We all know the ideal; it’s the messed up world in which we live that makes it hard.
From my experience, you can’t “go back” to how it felt before when you were first converted because you have changed, the church has changed, the world has changed. I know you want the feelings back, but I think perhaps the Lord wants something new for you. My struggles came when I placed my faith and expectations on receiving guidance like I always have received it in the past.
I didn’t get that.
I think that made me move forward to my next stage in faith and learn new things instead of hold on to the same way things always were for me. I don’t rewrite my history and the conversion experiences I once had (I hold them sacred and a part of me) but I cast my mind back to the days when I did get some clear and powerful answers, and now move forward to find new ways to learn God’s will (which is tough!). I have faith this will lead to growth, and I have already started seeing signs the seed is growing inside me.
Perhaps you are ready for a new stage of your faith, something that the Lord knows you will need inside of you to cary you forward, despite what others do with their attempts to be followers of Christ.
Take Rays advice and start looking into some new things that will bring enlightenment, similar to what you went through in 1969.
Glad you’re here. You will always find support from this group!
You have all given me excellent suggestions. I have always been a private person and maybe I should open myself more and be more outgoing and express my feelings more. I think seeing what I could do to make myself more useful would also help. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself, when I should realize I am much better off than a lot of people. If I want to attend a meeting and am not able to drive that day, I think maybe a phone call would get me there. Since we share a building, we have to change hours every September. We had been going at 9 a.m. and will be going 11 a.m. This, too, should help because of medication I take in the morning I don’t feel really good until around 11. Nine was just too early for me to function properly.
I do thank you for your help. It has really made me think.
Dear Indecision, Depression does make people want to withdraw from social activities. Sometime we just wish we were turtles and could hide in a shell. I know how you feel because I used to have grand mal seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy (I have since recovered). I didn’t like large crowds of noisy people, especially the loud music, bright lights and dancing at LDS Socials, so I skip those.
I prepare a nice meal, clean the house and invite a few close friends over to my home. Sunday is a great day to invite friends over. Now, if your health is too poor to go to all that work and fix a big feast, I suggest a “pot luck”. Ask everyone to bring just one simple dish and help you clean up afterwards. If you live in Salt Lake, you can come to our dinners.
We have friends who are diabetic or dieting so we always prepare one diabetic menu.
Hello. So you love The Church and don’t struggle with disbelief!(From what I’ve read) That is a plus! Now to encourage you that many members and the organization really do have a desire to reach out and help those in need..Hmm. I’m sure you have noticed The Church preaches to a certain “Mold” – Kind of a one size should fit all kind of thinking – But honestly who is anyone kidding..Every life is not one size. Every member is not married, every member is not straight .. Not every member can speak in public ( ahhh … hmmm ) etc. This is not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. Okay – I will be blunt .. The Church needs improvement..obviously reaching out and connecting with only certain lives is a little on the closeminded, ignorant side. In Church when you have the oppurtunity to teach, or raise your hand (weather you are the teacher or student) LET THEM know your side of things – Open their minds – Let them know hey I’m not married what can I do to better my life as a single woman .. What can I do to further be a better RS sister? There is a lott of family talk – BUT personal reflection involves you..just you-And so much of Church evolves around (or is suppose to) feeding your individual spirit. You need to let your ward know you need them. Talk with your bishop .. If your VT/HT is unable to help. If it is important to you .. Go for it! There are people willing and happy to help. If after trying you feel empty and alone there is nothing wrong with branching out.
There is nothing wrong with not being married BUT this makes me think .. They have singles wards right? Are they only for young people … If so … Why is that? What about all of the many divorced, widowed, unmarried individuals who can’t bear to hear all of the family .. marriage stuff .. Why aren’t we connecting with everyone – Will it improve .. Do we just have a long long way to go? ..
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