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How much influence does participating at message forums have on your decision to StayLDS or “LeaveLDS?” I ask these questions because I was wondering recently how much impact message forums have on our decisions. Several years back, I participated at a message forum where I was sure I wanted to cut all ties with the Church. I felt nothing but negativity towards the Church.
Things have changed. In recent months, I’ve come to realize that I let what I read on message forums influence my thinking and decisions. I know message forums help many who struggle. For myself personally, I am now at a point where I believe it is more important for me to take my questions and doubts to a Higher Power through prayer and study.
Since DH and I started attending Sacrament Meeting in December, I have felt my heart softening towards the Church.
That is where I am at today. I hope what I’ve written makes some sense.
That makes a lot of sense. Message forums are just one form of social community among many available. We should take time to be conscious of the influences we seek, or at least be conscious of their tone and direction. In the back of the minds of the people that run this site (if I may be so bold as to try and speak for everyone), we all want to encourage people to internalize and become comfortable with the authority to make decisions just the way you described. Whatever that higher power is (as people decide), that is the best source. Nobody should listen to me or anyone else here just because we have a big mouth on the forums and talk a lot
Thanks for sharing your updated story Kalola. It is very encouraging! I am so happy for you and your husband.
For me, part of being here is part of my personal process of doing the same thing — finding peace in the Church of my heritage and staying. Personal prayer, study, meditation and connection with God are all vital.
Quote:You are what you eat.
That is really profound with regard to your question, imo. I’m not saying lots of things that might be read into that statement by some, but it is profound.
Oh, and it’s great to hear that you are feeling more peace and joy right now. It’s not over by a long shot, but it’s SO good to read your post and see the movement you have made. Thank you, very much, for sharing that!
Hi Kalola, I know you have struggled for a while now trying to figure out things. I too have gone through a lot of conflicted feelings because of what friends, and people on forums have said that influenced me. I tend to have this problem like people on jury duty would. I try to listen to both sides of an argument for understanding and can become very empathetic to both sides. As I listen to one side, I think “Yeah, that makes sense and is reasonable.” Then I hear the other side and think, “Wow, they make a good case too.” Sometimes, in my efforts to be understanding and please people, I can become a camelon and loose my own identity in the process. That is when I have to step back and really think about what feels right and is rational to me, no matter what anyone else thinks. This can cause tormoil and arguments. It forces me to stand up for myself. I usually like to keep the peace and ‘can’t we all get just get along line’ while growing up in my dsyfunctional family. I do not like confrontation or arguing. So, I try to be dipolmatic and get everyone to see each others side. And that is a good thing at times, but as I have gotten older I have been forced to become a more independent woman and stand up to my husband, family, and friends. Sometimes, they do not like this new independent woman and get real annoyed with me. But, it became necessary, in order to not loose my identity or feel like ‘me’ was dying.
During those painful and conflicted times God has guided me to forums like this one. The individuality of our members here and the respectful way we treat each other has helped me figure out what I do believe. So many forums I have belonged to, become shouting matches with no one listen and everyone just trying to prove their point. If you don’t agree with them, you get bashed. So, what do I believe right now? I believe in many of the good teachings I have learned in the church. I believe there are many really good caring people in the church who have been a great support to me. I have enjoyed the opportunties for growth in the church. Somethings, I am just not sure about (like temple work ) but believe we are little gods in embroyos and becoming Christlike is what is most important to me. We are like butterflies trying to break out of our cocoons and fly.
For me, I think initially I was really surprised learning from hearing things about church history or church teachings that I’ve never heard before, that message forums were pretty influential on my doubts. But the more I read and study, the more I see almost anything can be argued one way or another and for every person really negative about an issue, it can logically be argued positively for it also. And so it does truly come down to what I decide in my mind based on all the information and opinions I come across.
The value I have found for staying involved on message forums is that I can get involved in open discussions of topics that I can’t find other forums for.
It still comes down to what I make of it and how I make sense of it, but I enjoy getting other views that I don’t get in sunday school or elsewhere, but are on my mind.
Although many sites I sense are more on the negative than the positive (this site more on the positive than most I found), I think it is just because there aren’t a lot of places to air the issues some think about that can’t be aired at church or with family. So if there is a slant on the message boards, it just balances the other stuff.
I think that it depends on the person. I’m not an easily swayed person so I don’t know if they have a profound influence on my opinions or beliefs. I find two main benefits to message boards. First, they are a good sounding board. As we are trying to understand ourselves, others and God better, having a sounding board of various opinions can be helpful to understand what we think. Second, I love hearing other people’s stories because it broadens my understanding beyond my own experience.
I also really enjoy sharing my own experiences and thoughts with people in case it might be helpful to them. An ancillary benefit might be that we can come to understand ourselves better by spending time thinking about topics that wouldn’t be on our minds if we hadn’t come across them on the forum.
I very much appreciate this forum, for the opportunity share ideas with positive, supportive people who generally support the Church, but with out specific expectations of what I should or shouldn’t believe. It gives me a voice where I can explore my own deepest thoughts, feelings, fears, anxieties, hopes, and desires, all in a safe and positive environment. I feel I am listened to and understood. I am not censured for being wrong, or overly congratulated for being right. I believe it is a real burden to belong to a Church that feels it has to be “right” in every pronouncement or pontification. Far be it for them to ever admit they said or did something wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I am not criticizing the PTB’s (Powers That Be), because I buy into the notion of modern day revelation. To me it makes more sense than does the “closed book” assumption of Christendom in general. Nevertheless, having to be “right” is no walk in the park.
I don’t know that forums have had much or any influence on my decision. But they have influenced my ability to abide by my decision and have shown me ways and have been a way to cope. I came to StayLDS when I was losing my faith in the institutional church. That hasn’t changed (nor will it). However, I have found a comfortable place in cultural Mormonism. I can participate to the degree I want, take beloved snacks from the platter and leave the unappetizing ones (in my case, temple worship, tithing, certain callings) untouched, and still be part of my faith community, alined with my TBM posterity. As some of my loved ones question their faith, I’m available should they be hurting or need solace from a father and/or grandfather. I can love my ward members, respect my bishop, provide some church service, pay a generous fast offering, while enjoying a new spiritual freedom which in a half-century of “obedience,” alluded me. Oddly enough, I still seem to hold (be it slightly altered), the mantle of family patriarch. Loved ones still ask advice and smile at my Native storytelling form of teaching. Maybe it’s mostly respect for the aged, but I love it. Ethics and morality and unconditional love are universal, whether shared via church classes, or from the ancient stories of Coyote, Owl, Rabbit and Spider-woman… I am at peace. That’s really cool George. What a great way for you to move forward, being able to connect with all your family and the people around you. You can be yourself, and also the person your loved one’s need. The day I was willing to admit I could be wrong about the church and a host of other things was the day I woke up and began to see the world as it really is. The forums were a good support in allowing me to ask questions and get real answers. If you go to a church leader for advice you will only get one side of the issue and the entire conversation will be to get you to narrow your thinking to conform to doctrine. I think the forums absolutely can have an impact on your decisions about the church. Why do you think you are warned to stay away. Quote:If you go to a church leader for advice you will only get one side of the issue and the entire conversation will be to get you to narrow your thinking to conform to doctrine.
Again, as the resident “make sure we aren’t over-generalizing” admin, I need to mention my own experience with regard to this statement:
I was serving on the high council in my stake when my Stake President asked me to oversee the Public Affairs. Part of the reason he did so was because he was aware of my activity in the Bloggernacle and wanted someone in that position who understood this type of forum and those toward whom Public Affairs is directed. He never once discouraged me from participating in any online groups, and neitehr did my Bishop – although I am sure they would have if I had been frequenting anti-Mormon sites – and I would hope they would do so in that situation. They are toxic, and no good comes from participation there, imo.
I have never been pressured to change my opinion on anything by a church leader – largely because, as I’ve said often here, I’m not a threat and not seen as a threat. I’m orthopraxic, so nobody really cares if I’m heterodoxic – as long as I’m not actively trying to convert others to be my disciples. I know when and how to say things from being involved for years – and people respect that I truly am an active, caring member and friend.
Being a nice person helps tremendously – and that’s not directed at anyone. It’s just an observation.
Hey, I want to be “orthopraxic” – that’s a great word I hadn’t heard before, and looking up the definition… I feel that speaks to me greatly. I guess these message forums can really have an influence! Thanks Ray.
I was reading in Connected: The Power of Social Networksthat happiness is 50% genetic, 10% circumstances, and 40% thought patterns and ideas. Applying that more broadly, social networks like online forums can influence our feelings by 40%! While it’s not the biggest influence, it doesmatter. But it’s true of all your social connections: your family, your ward, your friends, your colleagues, and your online contacts. Success depends on choosing to be influenced by those whose influence is beneficial: those with effective ideas & strategies and those who help you be a better person. We sometimes make the mistake of accepting the influence of anyone who has our best interests at heart, even if those people have bad ideas or don’t cause us to be a better person. What are examples of people with potentially bad advice? – People who push you to be complacent or reinforce your victimhood (which stops your personal growth). Validation feels great for a while but can become wallowing.
– People who don’t understand your situation but feel obligated to weigh in anyway out of concern for you. Their advice may or may not be helpful. You have to use your discernment.
– People who are not objective, who depend on the outcome of your situation. Family & friends, ward members or leaders, all might fit into this category. Again, that’s just one mitigating factor. Their advice could be good or bad, but you have to evaluate it with an understanding of the complexity of their motives.
In general, I would say the proof is in the pudding. Assess all advice, ideas and viewpoints you get for their usefulness to you. If they limit your potential in any way, they are not the best ones. If so, there are probably better ones out there.
So what do you do it family or even your spouse is a negative influence on the thought patterns in your life? I have visited many online forums, and ones that seemed negative and not helping me be positive, I just leave them. Friends at church that seem to have negative influences on me, I just stay friends but a little more at a distance, or just limit the scope of what I talk about with them.
Family and friends…you can’t really leave them. Yet they can have 40% (or feels like more sometimes) impact on my happiness.
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