Inlaws

[AmyJ]

Help Please (if possible) 😆

My husband vented about my faith transition to his parents (with my consent). I gave him the caveat that they might disown us (not that it matters a ton), but he countered they wouldn’t (and they haven’t so far). Part of his counter-arguement is that they love me more than they love him. They don’t protest too mightily when it is brought up in jest. In many ways, I am a second daughter to them. At my birthday, they sent a card that states, “We can remember when you joined our family, but we can’t think of how we ever got along without you.”

He needs someone to talk to, and it could be worse. To be entirely factual – I haven’t displayed any behavior that is counter to LDS codes (aside from not wearing garments, which really – we have tons of un-endowed people not wearing garments). So at best, my faith transition boils down to “Amy isn’t as sure about a lot of things she used to be very certain about.” which is not really something to argue about.

They get that my faith transition was started by me learning something about myself (instead of the “wanting to sin”, “doctrinally driven” or “offended” narratives). My husband mentioned in passing that they want to preach at me, but that he told them not to, that is not way God showed him that would help me (one of the many reasons I love him).

My conversations with them actually haven’t changed a whole lot – we tell funny stories about the girls, and they try to be funny telling us about growing old. My husband interacts more with them these days mostly because he has the time, I don’t want to accidently prompt a mismanaged conversation, and I don’t want to interfere with their relationship where he vents. We live across the continent from them, so it is easy to manage the boundaries most of the time. But I have had a few conversations with my mother-in-law that have been… odd (NOTE: I know that my father-in-law would have a harder time not preaching at me, so I honor the distance that accidently exists). She called us on a Saturday a few weekends ago leaving me the impression that she felt impressed to call me and was acting on it. We were both non-plussed that I wasn’t having an emotional breakdown at the moment – but that is what grandbaby stories are for 😆 Another conversation left me with the impression that she felt my grief and loss of testimony was a source of extreme sorrow (which it was last October when the grief was fresh) that she felt great empathy for.

How do I tell her that I appreciate deeply her compassion and concern, but that my current faith path is not the always the equivalent to the bed of thorns that Prince Charming had to get through to get into the castle on most days? Most of the time,

I’m usually good or at least functional – just doing my best to become the best human being I can become, and evaluating becoming a Christian (specifically a believer in Jesus Christ – but it feels weird typing this out because I used to be a great Christian). I am supported because I have you guys, my mom, and my husband.

[Anonymous]

I’m new here, so I apologize if I’m missing any back story. When I came out to family, I did so in an email. This was partly because I’m a bit of a chicken, but it had a lot to do with wanting to say everything that needed to be said without tempering the message because of their reactions. I also didn’t want to have to do it over and over again and deal with them all talking about it before I could get to the next person.

My FIL specifically was angry at my leaving. When I explained the year prior that I didn’t have a TR because I didn’t have a testimony, I did so only because I had to wait outside the temple. At that point they were very supportive and told me that they loved me no matter what. Once I stopped trying for that though, things shifted with my FIL. He refused to accept it for a while encouraging me to find my way back quickly, and not take too long on this journey of discovery, etc..

All that said – being more specific with where you’re at can be helpful, even if it temporarily harms the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Hi Amy,

It sounds as though your in laws are trying to be respectful which is good. It is much easier to give credit to people for earnestly caring and trying even if they might bumble to delivery at times.

My own in-laws seem very church focused – especially towards the grandchildren. I try to remember that 1) they think they know what is right and best for the kids and 2) that their concern is mostly about themselves – their legacy, their theology, and their anxiety over empty chairs and broken chains and that their concern says very little about my kid’s needs or any deficiencies in my parenting style. This helps me to try to not take it personally… it is a work in progress.

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

It sounds as though your in laws are trying to be respectful which is good. It is much easier to give credit to people for earnestly caring and trying even if they might bumble to delivery at times.

Absolutely.

But how do I tell them to re-triage me from “Critically Wounded” to “Wounded but Stable” or the equivalent without accidently undermining my husband’s need to vent?

[Anonymous]

AmyJ wrote:

But how do I tell them to re-triage me from “Critically Wounded” to “Wounded but Stable” or the equivalent without accidentally undermining my husband’s need to vent?

What I’d like to ask, is why are you in the hospital at all?

[Anonymous]

dande48 wrote:

AmyJ wrote:

But how do I tell them to re-triage me from “Critically Wounded” to “Wounded but Stable” or the equivalent without accidentally undermining my husband’s need to vent?

What I’d like to ask, is why are you in the hospital at all?

Because I do interact with them periodically, and I don’t feel that my efforts to make it less awkward are effective non-verbally.

Here is the sadly hilarious kicker about the whole situation. My husband and I gave up temple attendance about 10 years ago because of distance, disinterest, circumstances, gender issues for me (that I had shelved) and being there making health issues worse. We went to my sister’s sealing 4 years ago, but that’s it. We never went with his parents. About 4 years ago, they became temple workers – and I am happy for them, it brings them meaning. So now my mother-in-law mentions in passing how great it would be to all go to the temple together the next time we visit. We make tentative demurring noises for various reasons. I am sitting there thinking, “Wait, they do know I have issues right?”.

And she gives me the verbal/non-verbal equivalent of “there,there” while I feel she is looking at me as if waiting for a miracle to fix everything. I’m sitting there thinking, “You know, I still take the kids to church – even when my husband can’t make it. I am still teaching them 90% of the same principles that believers practice/work on (Word of Wisdom regarding a health code, substance abuse, no dating until 16 [yes it is a hedge law for my probable ASD girl child. If anything, I am more likely to reinterpret it to no single dating until you are 18 or out of our home], honest, industrious, ethical etc.).

And the choices I make as a hopeful non-believer are more authentic then the choices I auto-piloted on to a certain degree on for a long time. So while I get from her point of view there is mourning because I probably smashed the hopes of eternal family chains (as if I didn’t do that by bearing 2 girl children [they really didn’t care though – they miss having a male grandbaby from my husband’s line maybe 10%]). NOTE: Her daughter and their family (husband and 3 kids) are all active lovable non-testimony-struggling great people. My FiL’s family was messed up and probably inactive due to alcoholism. I think that my MiL’s parents were active testimony holders for 50 years or so, but I don’t know. I heard some rumors that her sister’s kids and/or their kids were non-testimony holders periodically.

I guess I want to respect the mourning while telling them somehow, “Yes, there are times a faith transition sucks – and when it sucks, it is worse than you think it is (because of all kinds of embedded cultural elements). But overall it is not as bad as you think it is.”

I am thinking while writing all this that it probably just has to be awkward for a few years (or decades) and we will all survive just fine.

[Anonymous]

As a general rule I do not think venting to one’s parents about one’s spouse is a good arrangement. I understand that venting can have a place. I believe that an ideal confidant would be someone that is generally disconnected to the rest of your social circle. That way anything that you talk about is unlikely to have unintended consequences. Maybe an old college friend or someone of that nature.

AmyJ wrote:

But how do I tell them to re-triage me from “Critically Wounded” to “Wounded but Stable” or the equivalent without accidently undermining my husband’s need to vent?

I’m not sure that you can. Many church members believe that a faith crisis is a terrible thing. I think that many realize that there can be some hardships outside of one’s choosing that precipitate the faith crisis. However, most believe that if you follow the formula that you can overcome the faith crisis and return to your former faith (or maybe even a stronger faith that has been tested and tried). To believe otherwise would mean that people can lose faith without choosing to lose faith and that would be a scary prospect indeed.

Therefore to say that you are “stable” in regards to your faith may indicate to them that you have given up and no longer recognize the need to regain your former faith. If you ever talk to them on the subject, I would encourage you to emphasize hope, humility, and continuing progress. You hope that the beauty of the plan of happiness is true and you are willing to act on that hope. You are humble enough to recognize that all of your conclusions are only tenative and that you remain open to new information and new experiences. That you are learning every day and that you feel like God and/or Jesus is walking beside you as you journey.

Just my $0.02. Your mileage may vary.

[Anonymous]

AmyJ wrote:

I guess I want to respect the mourning while telling them somehow, “Yes, there are times a faith transition sucks – and when it sucks, it is worse than you think it is (because of all kinds of embedded cultural elements). But overall it is not as bad as you think it is.”

I am thinking while writing all this that it probably just has to be awkward for a few years (or decades) and we will all survive just fine.

Yes, it may take them a long time to 1) mourn, and 2) realize that this is the new normal for you. You are not going off the deep end. You are still the wonderful thoughtful person that you always were and do not need to be saved.

I believe that this journey to realization for them should not be forced. IMO the emphasis on hope, humility, and continuing progress gives them time to come to those realizations on their own (with the side benefit of minimizing the chance that they decide that you are the enemy 😈 ).

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

That you are learning every day and that you feel like God and/or Jesus is walking beside you as you journey.

Just my $0.02. Your mileage may vary.

I like your suggestions…

The irony is that I no longer assume that God is walking with me – if anything, I am growing accustomed to my space on the path with theoretical watchful observance.

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

AmyJ wrote:

I guess I want to respect the mourning while telling them somehow, “Yes, there are times a faith transition sucks – and when it sucks, it is worse than you think it is (because of all kinds of embedded cultural elements). But overall it is not as bad as you think it is.”

I am thinking while writing all this that it probably just has to be awkward for a few years (or decades) and we will all survive just fine.

Yes, it may take them a long time to 1) mourn, and 2) realize that this is the new normal for you. You are not going off the deep end. You are still the wonderful thoughtful person that you always were and do not need to be saved.

I believe that this journey to realization for them should not be forced. IMO the emphasis on hope, humility, and continuing progress gives them time to come to those realizations on their own (with the side benefit of minimizing the chance that they decide that you are the enemy 😈 ).

I guess I should remove the “Not all those who wander are lost” poster from the Christmas list, right? 😆 🙄

[Anonymous]

AmyJ wrote:

The irony is that I no longer assume that God is walking with me – if anything, I am growing accustomed to my space on the path with theoretical watchful observance.

Yes, I can understand this. Those that might worry about you might be less worried if you continue to talk their creationist language. It can be a small and noncommittal concession.

AmyJ wrote:

I guess I should remove the “Not all those who wander are lost” poster from the Christmas list, right?

😆 :clap:

[Anonymous]

AmyJ wrote:

How do I tell her that I appreciate deeply her compassion and concern, but that my current faith path is not the always the equivalent to the bed of thorns that Prince Charming had to get through to get into the castle on most days?

I think there are some people, and some conversations, that simply will just not go well. Maybe others can happen with some people.

You have to guess at that, and know when to participate in a discussion, or when not to so you don’t get yourself into something that is going to hurt you.

My experiences:

– One bishop called me to repentance, threatened all my children and their children, and future generations will be greatly impacted by my choices and I need to stay faithful. That scare tactic didn’t resonate with me…since I’m super close with my kids no matter what…so i simply listened and ignored it. No discussion necessary. No debate was going to happen. He just wanted to be right, and I let him and thanked him for his concern. And dismissed him when i left his office.

– Brother of mine concerned for me, but respects me. Exchanges were productive because I could focus on the common things, adn show I’m not letting go of all good things…just some things I don’t find are important (like caffeinated soda, or my kids going to seminary, or ministering)…there are levels of commitment that vary, without throwing out the baby with the bath water. I emphasized to my bro…with stress of life changes I was going through (at the time, divorce)…I could only do so much but I was still doing as much as I could. AND…I emphasized my belief that it is never too late to want to repent and become more fully committed again…in other words…God knows my heart and where I’m at, and it is a marathon not a sprint. I approached things with him positively, and on common ground. He could accept that and had no concerns for the welfare of my soul or my family (unlike the aggressive bishop I explained above).

– To my sister who has been inactive for 30 years…I reconnected with her and told her my new learnings from life, that church was there to help me, not me needing to be there to break myself against it sink or swim. She appreciated seeing another family member admit things she felt…which was that the church wasn’t as literal as so many cling to it being. We have reconnected in good ways…on the grounds of focusing on gospel principles, and church is not necessary unless we want it in our lives.

I guess my response is to say that I adapt my story to the audience, not in an dishonest way…simply in reading the room and knowing what is good for me to open up about and what will never be.

When I sense people are preaching at me or wanting to save me, I try to do more listening, more asking them questions of what is important to them or how they handle trials, ask them how they know things are true…and often find they are revealing inaccuracies (such as one family member that would not admit there is a difference between Church and Gospel).

I try to reassure them that I’m doing the best I can, and I care about the family and care about them. That seems to make the tenets that we disagree about less important than the love shared.

I don’t want to be right and have them tell me I’m right. I simply view it as exchanges of ideas…since I don’t think anyone can possibly know and be right about anything…it’s all based on our experiences. And their experience is different from mine. So…I keep that in the backdrop. They are allowed to believe differently.

I just deal with it based on how they are talking with me. I want to preserve and enrich relationships.

[Anonymous]

AmyJ wrote:

How do I tell her that I appreciate deeply her compassion and concern, but that my current faith path is not the always the equivalent to the bed of thorns that Prince Charming had to get through to get into the castle on most days? Most of the time,

I’m usually good or at least functional – just doing my best to become the best human being I can become, and evaluating becoming a Christian (specifically a believer in Jesus Christ – but it feels weird typing this out because I used to be a great Christian). I am supported because I have you guys, my mom, and my husband.

Along with the other suggestions so far, I think you’ve got a good start. You have a good relationship with them and as you share common ground like your faith in Christ, and the good you see at church, etc.

You don’t want to become a project for them to feel they need to save, and if they start, you can express how much you appreciate their care and concern.

I hope that there is a solution that presents itself at the time it is needed.

[Author]

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