Interfaith relationships

[Anonymous]

I know there is a similar topic already on interfaith relationships, however it questions more of the Church teachings on it as opposed to my question. I also didnt want to hijack someone else’s thread.

Basically the question here is can a relationship between a Mormon and a Non-Mormon (or if it was someone like me in my case, a Mormon and someone who is still searching for truth), work? I have often been told that I look into things too much, analyse and constantly look too advance into the future instead of just “seeing how things go”. However one of the most loved doctrines of Mormonism is eternal families (my favourite) and obviously in order for this to happen, the couple must be sealed in the Temple meaning both have to be a fully active endowed members. So while the initial stages of a relationship are not a problem, it would be more of an issue when it came to marriage. Now obviously in my case, there is a chance I could go back, but would a member be willing to take that risk? or would it be a case of “sorry, I dated you in the hope you would come back, you haven’t, therefore we can no longer be together” in which case years could have been wasted. Or am I just being overly worried and diving into the details too deeply. I know many of you are married, but if you were single, would you enter into a relationship with a Non-Mormon/Maybe a Mormon??????

Thanks for your input in advance.

[Anonymous]

Religion is such a big part of life for me. I don’t think I would have married a non-mormon back in my younger days. I’ve been married for 18 years. We were married in the temple, but my wife no longer believes in the Church. We have a pretty good marriage though. The topic of religion is messy now for us. That part of our life is a mess.

If something ever happened, I would probably still only marry a mormon woman again. It’s too big a part of my life not to share with my spouse. It’s not because I am all elitist about our Church. Marriage is a lot of work regardless, and having radically different religious views doesn’t make it easier. I think it is better to try and find someone within your faith, if possible, to marry.

If it came down to being married or not, I think marriage is an important life experience. So I think it is better to be married to a good, loving, decent non-member than to never be married at all. Life is just easier with someone that understands and appreciates Mormonism.

[Anonymous]

All differences compound difficulties – in any relationship or organization. One of the hardest part of community (unity of more than one person) is working out differences. With that foundation, every major difference that exists compounds the potential for future difficulty – and religious belief is a major issue.

Can it be overcome? Absolutely. Is it easy? Absolutely not! It is the #1 breaker of marriage I know for those whose religious beliefs differ in significant ways. I’ll give you multiple sides of the argument:

1) Based on the most recent LDS divorce stats of which I am aware, the temple marriage divorce rate is about 6%-8% – the lowest rate of all religion-based rates in the US, by far. The divorce rate for LDS non-temple marriages (when both people are Mormon) is about 18%-21% – dead average for all Christian denominations. The divorce rate for an LDS/non-LDS marriage is about 41%. That’s a HUGE difference, and it’s the highest rate among all of the religion-based categories. Basically, a Mormon who marries “outside the faith” is 5-7 times more likely to get divorced than someone who marries in the temple and over twice as likely as someone who marries another member outside the temple. That’s significant, to put it mildly. Finally, a 41% divorce rate means a 59% non-divorce rate – but there is no indication of how many of those “successful” marriages only stay intact because the Mormon spouse gives up attending for the sake of the marriage. If you add those two aspects (divorce from the marriage AND divorce from the Church combined), my guess is that the actual “failure rate” probably is as high as 70%. That’s frightening.

2) My son is about to leave on a mission. He really loves his girlfriend, and she is truly a wonderful person. However, she is not LDS. He asked me for my advice, and I quoted the stats above. Then I told him if she is willing to wait for him while he serves his mission, and if he returns and finds that they still really love each other, and if she hasn’t embraced the Church and the Restored Gospel, I will support him 100% in whatever choice he makes. Period.

3) My own “courtship” was not perfectly in line with the Church’s general standard – on the other extreme. I never dated anyone other than my wife after she turned 16. I proposed to her (and she wore an actual engagement ring, with the wedding band in her room at home) before my mission – and before her senior year in high school. She was 17 at the time. We got married 6 weeks after I returned from my mission, a few days after she turned 20. We had all kinds of pressure from disbelieving friends and family to slow down and not make that commitment at that age. We understood the concerns as well as we could, and we understand them much better now that we have kids who are past those ages, but we were convinced we were doing what we were supposed to do – and we were right.

This is something I believe can be VERY hard, and it is something I believe should NEVER be done with the idea that “he will convert after our marriage”. That belief leads to actions that lead to pressure that lead to hard feelings that lead to divorce, imo. If you really love someone, you love them not only for who they might become but also for who they ARE – regardless of who they might become.

In the end, I also believe that if two people truly can become one in this life, God will not split them up in the hereafter – since “joining the Church” is not the ultimate goal. Becoming one with each other and with God is the ultimate goal – and that happens outside the Church (and even outside Christianity) all the time. It’s just much harder when religious beliefs differ.

Summary: I have no answers for individual circumstances, but I believe strongly that it is MUCH easier to make a marriage work when foundational religious beliefs are shared. If they aren’t, it becomes a total crap shoot. Some win; most lose.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

In the end, I also believe that if two people truly can become one in this life, God will not split them up in the hereafter – since “joining the Church” is not the ultimate goal. Becoming one with each other and with God is the ultimate goal – and that happens outside the Church (and even outside Christianity) all the time. It’s just much harder when religious beliefs differ.

Awesome way to put it Ray!

[Anonymous]

Hi NotSure2008,

I am not married, and if you’ve read the other thread on interfaith relationships then you have some of an idea on where I am coming from. Can a relationship between a Mormon and non-Mormon work? I don’t know. But, I’ve thought about it a lot. The following are some of my thoughts in regards to if I were to stay LDS but marry a nonmember:

-I would find it hard to not be able to share things, such as the endowment ceremony, with my husband. (Although, apparently there are many who are comfortable sharing more than I would have previously thought was appropriate. So, perhaps this wouldn’t be such a barrier.)

-The church is both religious and social. I would need to be selective in what callings I accept and be careful to make sure that church time was not infringing on family time. This would be more of an issue for men.

-No matter what I believe about my marriage, when my children go to Primary, they will likely be taught that they need to convert Daddy in order to be an eternal family. They will be taught that our family is “wrong.” (I realize this sounds harsh. But, well, it seems to be the reality in the wards I’ve attended.)

-If Silas and I chose to marry, we would seek out other interfaith couples. Especially, we would seek out couples where one is LDS and both are happy. If we can find a couple that has older children who they have raised successfully that would be pretty fantastic…

-Raising children will be difficult. Everyone will point this out to you and it can get annoying, but it is true and needs to be considered. However, if you choose to marry then obviously you have common values. I imagine this would be a good place to start. Ethics are not limited to the religious sphere.

-I have spoken with women who hope that their husband will some day convert. While I am trying to understand the mindset (of hoping your loved ones will change) I simply cannot imagine being in a relationship like that. I will not marry a man hoping that he will either convert or leave the church. Similarly, I would not want to marry a man who wanted me to either convert or leave the church.

Anyhow, those are some of my thoughts. I think that Mormon-Other relationships are more difficult than other interfaith relationships due to both the teachings of the church and cultural norms. Ray’s statistics make sense.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your replies. Those statistics do make sense actually. The 41% is surprising as it is so different from the others, but not so surprising generally as in the UK anyway, the divorce rate is 1 in 3 (actually I think it is higher than that now – approaching 2/3). Basically I think the consensus is that Mormon-Non-Mormon partnerships either do not work out or they would have a difficult time throughout their married life. I can understand why.

Whether I go back to the Church, I don’t know yet…..however with what you have said, I think I need to somehow turn off or at least control the feelings I have for one particular member, as I think it would probably be selfish of me to enter into a relationship with him when I don’t know where I stand with the Church (Of course he may not even want to have a relationship with me so therefore problem would be solved! ). Of course I have a deeper understanding and more respect for the Church than the average non-member. I am after all baptised, just not active at the moment. Though seem to follow some of the doctrines naturally.

Thanks once again for your replies……

[Anonymous]

One thing that is always going to cause problems in a LDS-NonLDS marriage is tithing

lets look at it

A man (non member) in the home wouldnt be too happy with his wife saying Hey Hubby Im going to give 10% of my money to church!

Thats the council tax bill in a lot of cases

And a female non member isnt always going to be happy to change lifestyle even slightly to allow for church donations

Of course there will always be exceptions – this is just generally speaking of course

[Anonymous]

magicmusician wrote:

One thing that is always going to cause problems in a LDS-NonLDS marriage is tithing

lets look at it

A man (non member) in the home wouldnt be too happy with his wife saying Hey Hubby I’m going to give 10% of my money to church!

Thats the council tax bill in a lot of cases

And a female non member isnt always going to be happy to change lifestyle even slightly to allow for church donations

Of course there will always be exceptions – this is just generally speaking of course

I can see how Tithing would be a problem…..personally talking from an inactive member point of view, I wouldn’t have a problem with it, provided it was my husbands own money which obviously it would be because it is 10% of income. If he was saying I want to give 10% of our combined income…then I may have something to say. But then I am the open-minded sort and have an understanding of LDS doctrine. It wouldn’t bother me what my husband did, attend church, pay tithing, give his times to his callings etc as long as he didn’t put pressure on me to rejoin…..I would even be happy for future children to be raised in the Church as long as there was no pressure on me. if I was to rejoin…then I would need to do it in my own time. I have joined and left twice already and cant keep yo-yo-ing about!

I suppose it does depend on the couple. I have been reading through some literature though and most of it (well all of it) advises members not to date non-members because of the eternal marriage and getting sealed in the temple etc.

[Anonymous]

NotSure2008 wrote:

I suppose it does depend on the couple. I have been reading through some literature though and most of it (well all of it) advises members not to date non-members because of the eternal marriage and getting sealed in the temple etc.

That is what most of the Church literature is going to talk about really — the doctrinal aspects of it. The Church is going to approach it from the temple sealing and eternal families/exaltation perspective.

We tend to be a little more practical-minded here That “eternal families” perspective is one to consider, depending on how tightly we might decide to align ourselves with a strict position on that matter. That is an angle to consider. Someone here could decide that as a reconciliation strategy — that Church is actually correct on the issue of eternal families. Only Mormons stay together as families in the afterlife, and are the only ones who will see Heavenly Father again (to quote how they say it in Primary). I have my doubts about that, but someone can stick to that if they choose.

The practical reasons are much easier to understand. You don’t have to believe in any church to get the practical, cultural/social implications of a mixed-faith marriage.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

In the end, I also believe that if two people truly can become one in this life, God will not split them up in the hereafter – since “joining the Church” is not the ultimate goal. Becoming one with each other and with God is the ultimate goal – and that happens outside the Church (and even outside Christianity) all the time. It’s just much harder when religious beliefs differ.

My thoughts exactly. If you can grow a beautiful tree with love, God will not chop it down. His purpose is to promote love. The mature and responsible way to make a decision is to consider all the factors involved (type of soil, seed, climate, to continue the analogy) but ultimately it is a healthy mature tree that is the goal – not to use any specific prescribed method to grow it.

[Anonymous]

There are definitely members who are willing to take “the risk” to date a non-member or a questioning member. My DH was actually disfellowshipped and questioning the church a lot when I met him. But what I fell in love with was his true personality. I loved that he valued education and that he had high standards without being “extra mormony”. I felt comfortable around him.

At first he was happy with me going to church and would sometimes go with me. We had the same values. I will tell you that it is hard to be alone at church and see all the other couples sitting together and you are all alone. It gets even harder when your spouse completely changes their values and expects you to go along with them.

I don’t know if this helps, but I am in a relationship that is very similar to what you are speaking of. My advice would be to make sure that the other person really understands what your thoughts and feelings are about the church. You need to understand what is important to them and make sure that, if you leave the church, they will be understanding and that you will be understanding of their reason to stay. It also helps to make sure that you have the same values. It gets even more difficult when you throw children into the mix and you both want to teach them different values.

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