Intro

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am 26 and have been scouring this site I guess to find others who are like minded and make me feel in a small way less alone in my thinking.

I was born into the church, 1 of 5 kids with worthy and dedicated TBM parents. My into is fairly similar to others on this page who have felt they have never received any strong answers to prayer regarding the church since being a young child. I had a short period of inactivity as a 15 yr old to 17. Which I feel came about from wanting to avoid the pressure and stress of being perfect as I felt my parents were. I always felt if I made one small mistake such as going to the milk bar with my brother on a Sunday that God would be extremely dissapointed in me. There were policies from a young age I didn’t agree with and my critical thinking in young women’s landed me in trouble or looked down upon for even asking the questions. As a teenager I never felt 100% comfortable with the whitewashing to my critical thinking questions but ended up pushing that aside so I could be worthy for temple marriage and make my parents proud.

I was married at 19 to a convert who recently returned from serving in Italy. While he had a rock solid testimony he seemed less bothered by my “small stint of inactivity” and made me feel more normal within the church. (My inactivity included drinking a handful of times having a christen boyfriend who was not of the same faith and not attending seminary other than that I still prayed read my scriptures and attended activities and church once a month or more.)

So we were married and left our home town in search of work for him as a pilot. I became much stronger in the gospel and worked hard at going above and beyond in everything I did. Preparing talks, service, callings, study of the gospel. We went through many trials over the next 5 years but my faith was never shaken. I always believed God put me through these things to make me stronger. I still prayed earnestly during this time for answers to prayer or for confirmation that the church was true and never received an answer that I could testify to. My husband would tell me I must not be doing it right. I tried praying many different ways and asking many different questions. Still no result.

2 years ago while my husband was serving as ward mission leader we came across many questions investigators or less active members had and we’re asked by the missionaries whether we had any answers for them. Firstly we have the usual pray and I know it’s true and the stuff on the internet is all lies response but as we grew closer with these people we strongly desired to help them and searched for more reasonable literal non Mormon answers to these questions. This process lead to my husband and I studying church history in more depth and challenging our preconceptions. It broke our faith and trust in not just the church but most things in life.

We tried for the coming 18 months to go with the churches responses and give each concern a faithful apologetic twist. At times I felt I could move on in the church me husband the same and then a couple of months ago I felt that I broke. We have 4 children the oldest 5 and the youngest 8months. My husband is scared to be without the church despite having a new view on some things he continues to go. He feels without he could fall into bad patterns that he was in before he converted. He wants to continue to improve himself and feels that he needs the churches guidelines to do so. I understand this and believe it is a righteous desire. Also him and his mum are the only members in his family and come from a Greek orthodox background. It was a very difficult decision for them to become members and his brothers and dad still feel betrayed that they made that decision so I can see many issues for him if he did have a desire to leave in the future. I do believe the gospel can help you by giving you more situations to serve others and inspiring you to live a good life however I feel that many are able to accomplish these things without the church or in many other churches or ways. Maybe not as successfully but I don’t feel that much would change for me personally living outside of the church.

Life is hard well maybe more so tricky. My husband wants to completely avoid discussing anything negative or factual about the church and just wants to try to forget what we have learnt about history and policy and I don’t feel that I can move forward within the church. He wants to discuss spiritual things but only when related to the lds religion and is looking for excitement in my reaction. Sometimes I try to fake the excitement for him but he can see through it and feels annoyed that I cannot give him support in these conversations the way I once used to. Initially I was terrified that he would go inactive and now it’s the other way around.

Now the question is how do we raise our children in the gospel and what do I teach them. I have been avoiding teaching them book or Mormon stories etc. I guess overtime we will work all of these things out I hope, but currently I feel that everyday of my life that was planned or had direction is now lost and confused.

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and I love the structure of the church bar the temple. But now just loving it doesn’t mean that it is true. I think I am slowly coming to a stage 5. I no longer feel any anger towards the church or my family but now the search is on for what do I believe and can I live in the church but not of it.

I’m grateful for your honesty on this site it has helped me to feel less foreign in my thoughts and feelings. Good luck to everybody I hope we may all find peace within or out of the church.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the forum. As you noticed, your experience is not uncommon here. You are not alone, and this is a good and safe place to discuss your feelings and concerns.

The church teaches and does much good. Just because one doesn’t believe it all, it doesn’t make the whole thing bad. Uchtdorf’s “Come Join With Us” https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/come-join-with-us?lang=eng&_r=1” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/come-join-with-us?lang=eng&_r=1 comes to mind right now. The church does teach the gospel of Jesus Christ. I noticed in your writing that you seem to conflate the church and the gospel. The two are not the same, hence why people in other religions can also find peace and happiness in the gospel.

I haven’t stated this advice in awhile, but here it is: take it slow, don’t dump all at once, and focus on what you do believe.

May you find the peace you seek.

[Anonymous]

Welcome. Yes this is all hard. It is hard for your husband also.

Tell him how hard and confusing this is for you. Ask him for lots of patience while you work this out. Let him know your love of him is the most important thing.

Good luck and keep asking questions here on the forum.

[Anonymous]

Firstly I don’t think the church is bad I don’t think I wrote that but I’m sorry if you got that impression. I have never put the church down but rather praised it. I don’t believe many other churches could effectively teach a person to be better than the Mormon church. I love the idea that the whole complete package of the church is true but unfortunately o can no longer pretend that’s how I feel. Also I believe the gospel of Jesus’s Christ to be separate to the church, I’m also sorry if you got the wrong impression but that is how I feel.

This is something I have been struggling with for the past 2 years with many nights of sincere praying temple attendance complete activity and no result I would feel justified in feeling okay with no longer attending. But I still attend and read, pray, im just trying to figure out where to go from here.

I have no plan to leave the church anytime soon. I’m looking for ways I can remain in a system that teaches good where Ivan continue to try to improve myself without letting the other stuff get to me.

It’s not the most excepting church of people who live or think differently.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts.

You sound positive in your approach to work through these things, that are not easy. Positive and faithfyl will help you. Thanks for your example.

Regarding your children, you don’t need to worry too much yet. They are young. The church at the primary level is very good for kids. It is milk before meat, I love teaching primary because so much makes sense at that level.

The tricky part gets to be when they get older and see the things that don’t make so much sense.

But you and your husband teach truth in your home, as you receive personal inspiration or revelation or just have your personal views…the kids will be blessed by you teaching them so they will not be shocked one day. Your eyes have been opened and you can be better parents in the church or out of the church because of it. It will bless your kids as you embrace truth, even as you don’t have all answers and figure it out as you go.

How you live today as a mormon is more important than any church history.

Thanks for joining the discussion. I look forward to learning more from your posts.

[Anonymous]

Happy never after wrote:

I always felt if I made one small mistake such as going to the milk bar with my brother on a Sunday that God would be extremely dissapointed in me.

This is how I lived my whole life growing up. I tried to never do anything wrong. I was an obedient teenager. As I got older, I gradually saw the inevitability of imperfection. I really wish I had questioned more growing up. I had a good adolescence, just dull.

I’m a little older than you, but I’m in about the same situation as you. My oldest is 6. She came home one day telling me about Noah and the flood. I asked her if she thought it really happened. she told me she knows it really happened because her teacher had a book that had all of the information . My wife and I try to focus on teaching correct principles. We sometimes worry about what she’s learning in church.

I like how positive you were in your post. I’m positive some days and negative others. You give me hope that perhaps I can stay positive. I feel the gospel is worth holding onto, even if I struggle with the vehicle.

Thanks for your great post.

[Anonymous]

Welcome happy never after,

I have been in a similar position. We currently participate in a number of Christian community church activities. I define it as follows: We attend and belong to the COJCOLDS. It is our “Home Church”. However, we participate in any number of other churches’ activities and programs.

Initially my wife was worried. She didn’t want to “confuse” the kids. I told her that if the alternative to being exposed to people with different Christian religious beliefs was being isolated with only one version of the truth then I would choose the former “confusion.”

Admittedly this approach is not without its pitfalls. The more open minded my kids seem to be towards other churches and their perspectives the less they seem to fit in at LDS primary. It also complicates the discussion on morality and choices. I can no longer fall back on the words of the Prophet as a definite appeal to authority. I know that this might make the process of growing up without a black and white framework more muddled.

Again welcome. You are among friends here.

[Anonymous]

Hi, happy never after – I’m glad you’re here and look forward to being part of the sounding board.

[Anonymous]

Welcome, I glad you’re here. Keep posting. You have an interesting intro.

[Anonymous]

Happy never after wrote:

Now the question is how do we raise our children in the gospel and what do I teach them.

The $64,000 question. I try to take after Jesus. It seems like in many instances he used scriptures that people were acquainted with to show them a better way. If I feel like something that was taught at church deviates from the view of the gospel that I’d like for my kids to develop I might find scriptures that follow similar themes and supplement their church instruction with what I feel is the healthier takeaway.

Welcome to StayLDS.

[Anonymous]

Hello

[Anonymous]

Hello and welcome!

[Anonymous]

Happy never after wrote:

Now the question is how do we raise our children in the gospel and what do I teach them. I have been avoiding teaching them book or Mormon stories etc. I guess overtime we will work all of these things out I hope, but currently I feel that everyday of my life that was planned or had direction is now lost and confused.

I understand completely. My “shelf” broke for different reasons than yours, but the history sealed the deal after I started reading it. I have two children in the church now. One I have managed to get all the way through most of the seminary years, and now she is attending BYU in a couple months and wants marriage in the temple. She goes out with the missionaries almost daily now. She is very traditional in her beliefs while I am more like you. I supported her in this for the last five years as I moved through my own commitment crisis. So it is possible to be unorthodox in your beliefs while still inspiring faith in your children.

AS some possible solutions, consider taking what I call an “agnostic view” of Mormonism, Don’t outright reject it all (the history or truth claims) and rely on your own imperfections and humankind’s general lack of knowledge about the afterlife as the reason you don’t reject it all completely. Ultimately, you don’t really know if it’s true or not. That gives you a shred of faith that can make it easier to take part in services when you don’t swallow the whole thing anymore, Hope it’s true and that all this historical stuff is not as important to God as we think it is. You can still accept that it might be true,while hoping any of the objectionable stuff is not as important to God as it seems to be, to you. We can’t see what is beyond this life until we get there, so approach religious topics of any kind with a healthy skepticism.

Second, I too appreciate the structure the church provides for my kids especially. If they grow up as traditional believers, is that so bad? It worked for you and your husband at certain points, and probably brought peace, and kept your husband on the “straight and narrow”. What is so bad about that for your kids? So, embrace what the church is today and raise your kids in it.

Third, place some boundaries on your church service. It is hard to serve full-tilt when you are working on the agnostic model of Mormonism. Full-tilt service requires a certain amount of faith, I have found. So, put boundaries on the kinds of callings you will serve within, if you find they are too stressful given your lack of belief. I refuse to teach classes on most gospel topics anymore, even though I am a teacher by trade. I just can’t teach all that stuff anymore. But I will speak in church on topics if given a choice. There is a lot to talk about that is non-doctrinal. Like, having a positive attitude, finding spirituality, etcetera.

A major reason for my staying was NOT wanting to confuse my kids. So, consider this approach. We can talk with you about other issues that might come up (authenticity is one that people have issues with), dealing with priesthood leaders who want you to do more than you think you can, and getting through the various rites of passage with your children.

And let’s say you left the church (from an attendance perspective, I never advocate name-removal), much of the experience will be the same in a different church. Many churches have objectionable histories (especially the Catholics), and there will likely be things you don’t believe there as well. So, you might as well stay where you are — at least you and your husband are unified in your religion, and he wants to stay. And the structure will be very good for your kids.

I’d also avoid talking about your doubts with your husband if it upsets him. He wants to live a clean life and the LDS church is a good place for that. Post your thoughts here to this interactive journal…

You are at the very beginning, it sounds, of a transition, so you will experience different issues as you move forward with staying in the church without necessarily believing everything.

Good luck, glad you found us.

[Anonymous]

This might be helpful http://www.mormontransitions.org/mindful-parenting/” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.mormontransitions.org/mindful-parenting/

[Anonymous]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful and supportive responses.

I tried posting much earlier on my phone but unfortunately it was not working so I have finally pulled out the old laptop.

I have been continuing to study to find a new path for my beliefs I guess. I’m enjoying watching the mormon stories podcasts. Thanks John Dehlin. Its interesting and sometimes exciting when I find something that sits really well with me. Currently being agnostic sits ok and allows me to feel ok about my inner beliefs and continuing to attend church but having my own views on things. At the moment I’m focusing on basic principles such as the pure teachings of Jesus Christ and not taking them to much further than that whether Jesus Christ was a inspired man or truly the son of God. I’m trying to connect to God through nature and other ways I have not attempted before. I will keep trying to connect with you on here when I have time, it helps allot to share and read your posts.

Thanks to the creators and participators of this site. Awesome experience so far!

[Author]

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