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Today in Sunday school, in front of the entire class, the Sunday school teacher asked my husband who was sitting next to me if my first name was really my name. ( I have an unusual name.) I was blown away. I said, “I am right here! You could ask me.” The Sunday school teacher then just looked at my husband and went back to teaching his lesson. Afterward I went up to him, introduced myself and told him now that he knows me if he wants to ask a question about me he can direct it at me. He apologized and asked me what I did for I living. I think he felt truly bad, but it just bothers me that he didn’t give a second thought about talking about me like I wasn’t in the room.
I spent 12 years in singles wards, so all of this is new to me. It almost feels like when you are single you are in charge of yourself in the church, but when you become a wife they then ask your husband about anything they have a question about instead of you. I got married because I’m in love-not to have someone ‘in charge of me.’
I hope the teacher felt bad. That was stupid, plain and simple. Fwiw, I’ve never heard of that happening anywhere I’ve been or with anyone I know. There are other stupid things that happen, but that one’s a new one for me.
Also fwiw, the letters my wife and I have received from my daughter’s Mission Presidents (Bro. and Sis. K) have been addressed to Brother Old-Timer and Sister Old-Timer – not Brother and Sister Old-Timer – or just Brother Old-Timer – or even Brother and Sister Old Timer. I appreciate that, even if I still am mentioned first each time.
Sorry that happened to you HSAB! It is not unusual though which is sad! I have had a few callings that my husband knew about before me because they asked for his “approval” before extending them!!!! WTH?!?! Bless his heart he told them to talk to me only and that I didn’t need “approval” . I did not accept the last one I was so mad!
I agree with what Old-Timer said about not being churhwide etc….this was only in 2 wards so as usual it is not the same all places, thankfully.
Heck if it isn’t mind numbing and frustrating to be a woman in this church at times though. Sorry it’s not just because you are married but that could play a factor in other situations.
Thanks Old-Timer 🙂 I love hearing encouraging stories like that!Dax, that is ridiculous! I am pretty sure that used to be standard procedure. My friends mom who has been a feminist since the 70’s told me that anyway. Do you know Old-Timer?
Yes, it used to be standard procedure – but, to be fair, wives also were supposed to be asked for their approval in cases when a calling was being extended to their husbands. It generally didn’t happen that way, and callings to men generally were made prior to asking for spousal approval, but it was what was supposed to be. I really dislike the unwritten order of things in many cases.
Every time I’ve been asked in advance for my approval about a calling that someone wanted to extend to my wife, I’ve responded that I would support her in whatever decision she made – that I approved of whatever she wanted to do. I try to phrase everything in a way that the other person can understand without feeling attacked or defensive (to “teach” correct principles, if you will) instead of returning offense for offense. It’s not always possible, since some things are beyond the pale (like, frankly, asking me about my wife’s name when she is sitting beside me), but I try, nonetheless.
Often, a soft answer really does turn away wrath – or a turned cheek – or, even more so, a smile when correction is necessary.
Thanks Old-Timer. I agree with most of that except that I think too many women turn too many cheeks far too often. FWIW, when I received my calling, the SP called in both me and my wife and extended my calling to me with both of us there. Before asking me what I thought of it, he asked my wife what she thought, and then said “can you support your husband in this calling?” Once she’d said yes, he turned to me and said “what do you think?” So, as in many things noted on StayLDS, we’re dealing with personalities. Some people are insensitive wanks, and sometimes they get called as bishops, Sunday school teachers, etc. Don’t let any of them get you down. 🙂 Quote:too many women turn too many cheeks far too often
Amen – and shame on men for making it be required so often. I have a luxury many don’t have (as odd as that might sound to some people when dealing with turning the other cheek), and I am aware of that.
One of my favorite literary quotes comes from a young adult novel – the old neighbor lady says to a young kid – “They probably told you to turn the other cheeks. Pretty soon, though, you run out of cheeks.” Sorry you got upset! However, is it possible that we are reading too much into this guy? Maybe the guy was just trying to be funny and it didn’t go well? That’s what I thought when I originally read the post. Personally, I have learned that I can be hyper sensitive about perceived slights. Especially when it relates to something that is a hot topic with me.
What I don’t understand is why the guy would then ask you about your career? Seems like an odd transition to me!
This is misguided politeness… culturally people are alright with asking somebody else someone’s name, but not so much the person themselves as it’s seen as rude. AngryMormon wrote:Sorry you got upset! However, is it possible that we are reading too much into this guy? Maybe the guy was just trying to be funny and it didn’t go well? That’s what I thought when I originally read the post.
Personally, I have learned that I can be hyper sensitive about perceived slights. Especially when it relates to something that is a hot topic with
What I don’t understand is why the guy would then ask you about your career? Seems like an odd transition to me!
Standard conversation making. I hate meeting people I went to school with, they always ask this. If people are not working it’s difficult for them.
I have also experienced callings extended to me with my wife present so they could get her input. interesting topic—and I’ve seen interesting things over the 50 years of my life when it comes to callings. I had my first church calling when I was still in High school–before the block program, playing the piano in Primary.
I’ve played the piano a lot in church over the years.
after my husband and I got married, they asked him about giving me a calling to lead the Primary music, and he gave them the go ahead—I wanted to beat him!!–I didn’t even know how to lead music and told the counselor that ” he was going to have to talk me in to it, so keep talking”—as I went into a state of vertigo and could feel my head flipping from side- to side—even though I was looking him in the face—-i ended up loving leading the Primary music and have done that job in church 3 or 4 times—I think it has been my favorite.
My husband saved me from being considered for Relief Society President when he was the executive secretary. He was in the meeting when they were discussing a new president—when my name came up, he knew there was no way I could do it.
I have been sustained for a calling,(while I was at home with a child) that I had never been asked to serve in—I was willing to do it, but thought it was pretty funny that the bishop forgot to ask me to play the piano in relief society when he was asking me to be the homemaking leader.
I have also had a calling, and then was asked to take a second calling. They did not intend to release me from the first calling, but they didn’t realize that the two callings required me to be two places at once if I were to do them both properly. When i pointed this out, they wanted me to take the one that was making me a basket case—the RS pres told me to talk to the bishop—He seemed to have no problem with me saying I just could not do the one calling—so left me in the first calling.
I have also been the primary music leader and the primary pianist at the same time!!! We had not had a regular piano player for approx. 6 months, we had just been making do in various ways–the two gals that substituted refused to do it any more because they knew that no one would get called if they kept filling in. The bishop finally asked me to play, but told me he really felt like I belonged as the music leader—so they sustained me as the piano player, but did not release me from being the leader—-and told me to keep doing whatever I had been doing!!!! I finally found them a piano player—-so they released me from playing the piano.
i have tried to explain to a leader why I felt like I could not do a calling, only to have them look at me like they never heard a word i said
so finally asked my husband to tell them I couldn’t do the job.When my husband was put in the Elder’s Quorum Presidency, we were called in together when he was given the calling.
I guess every leader does things different ways, and some are more sensitive than others, and it sounds like the way of doing things has changed over the years. I’ve served in a lot of callings, but I have also turned down a lot of callings that I felt would overwhelm me. We have been told not to walk faster than we can run—-and I am learning that quite often I can’t follow through with my own good intentions—I would love to be doing more than I am, but I am also aware that right now I am struggling just to take care of my family and get on top of my health.
Sounds like the teacher who asked the wife’s name from the husband was a little embarrassed and maybe trying to make polite conversation when asking about the job to get away from his mistake!!!
mom3 wrote:One of my favorite literary quotes comes from a young adult novel – the old neighbor lady says to a young kid – “They probably told you to turn the other cheeks. Pretty soon, though, you run out of cheeks.”
I like that a lot! It’s a good quote.
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